The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 15 "The Witch"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
33 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
Rhonda,
Another chapter to keep me wanting more! lol
freaky stuff happening here... you didn't say it would be supernatural stuff... Well, I"m already in, so I won't leave now... I'm not skeered off easily. lol
I enjoyed this one as well... I have a few nits, but mostly, I just enjoyed reading it... and can't wait to get to the next one, so here I gooooooo.....
"Concerned, she might have gotten lost, I screamed out her name. (is the first comma needed here? I know that the words: Concerned, I screamed out her name. work together, but so do: Concerned she might have gotten lost...
so I'm not sure you need a comma after concerned... (what do you think?)
We began our journey, once more, toward[s] the haunted house, and this time, it was no game. (tell me if you want me to leave these alone? lol)
With no further word, she joined Tabby on the path back toward[s] camp.
As though as one person, we ran toward[s] it, unconcerned for our own safety.
You think you're better than everyone, and that your ineffective little antics matter. They do not. You are just little children trying to play warriors in a grown up world.
(I'm not a fan of this sentence... but then, I guess she's not a nice person, or not a person at all... but it just seems odd to me. I think the next sentence says plenty, you know? just a thought)
;)
Mwah...
Love ya!
Cat
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Rhonda,
Another chapter to keep me wanting more! lol
freaky stuff happening here... you didn't say it would be supernatural stuff... Well, I"m already in, so I won't leave now... I'm not skeered off easily. lol
I enjoyed this one as well... I have a few nits, but mostly, I just enjoyed reading it... and can't wait to get to the next one, so here I gooooooo.....
"Concerned, she might have gotten lost, I screamed out her name. (is the first comma needed here? I know that the words: Concerned, I screamed out her name. work together, but so do: Concerned she might have gotten lost...
so I'm not sure you need a comma after concerned... (what do you think?)
We began our journey, once more, toward[s] the haunted house, and this time, it was no game. (tell me if you want me to leave these alone? lol)
With no further word, she joined Tabby on the path back toward[s] camp.
As though as one person, we ran toward[s] it, unconcerned for our own safety.
You think you're better than everyone, and that your ineffective little antics matter. They do not. You are just little children trying to play warriors in a grown up world.
(I'm not a fan of this sentence... but then, I guess she's not a nice person, or not a person at all... but it just seems odd to me. I think the next sentence says plenty, you know? just a thought)
;)
Mwah...
Love ya!
Cat
Comment Written 03-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Cat. I am definitely going to watch those (s)es.
You are so right on the commas. I'm going to have to go back through all the earlier chapters for those little buggers! I have, since, had some pretty helpful instruction on them. Feel free to point the out to help me on that journey, and, for that matter, the awkward sentences, too.
Yeah, there's lots of supernatural, but only one ghost. Scary factor should be at a minimum, as its for young adults, but they are a bit scary. If it gets too much, feel free to bail out, it won't hurt my feelings,.
Thanks, again, for your careful eye, all help means improved ability!!
Big hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from Green Lake Girl
"We may have just fought our way into a trap." No truer words were ever spoken! Yikes. The ghostly lady sure has plenty to say--very verbose for a spirit. She and Alejandro would get along just fine!
Can't wait for the next chapter. It's kind of nice reading your story chapter-to-chapter; shows the continuity of the story. Well done, Rhonda.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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"We may have just fought our way into a trap." No truer words were ever spoken! Yikes. The ghostly lady sure has plenty to say--very verbose for a spirit. She and Alejandro would get along just fine!
Can't wait for the next chapter. It's kind of nice reading your story chapter-to-chapter; shows the continuity of the story. Well done, Rhonda.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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It's funny you should mention it, but Maggie was looking for a seagoing man, herself, just the other day. She said life in the mansion was just too, well, bland. We should pair them up....
Thanks for your marathon reading. I do appreciate the comments and advice!
Rhonda
Comment from Gone but not forgotten
A compelling read about the band of sisters trying to fight evil, albeit unsuccessfully, at least in this installment! More compelling, however, is how much you and I look alike! (Well, at least I USED to look like you, much older now). AND how much you look like my mother in her younger years, except she was dark where you are light. Interesting, huh? So we're all beautiful, at least that much is known! Best.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
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A compelling read about the band of sisters trying to fight evil, albeit unsuccessfully, at least in this installment! More compelling, however, is how much you and I look alike! (Well, at least I USED to look like you, much older now). AND how much you look like my mother in her younger years, except she was dark where you are light. Interesting, huh? So we're all beautiful, at least that much is known! Best.
Comment Written 14-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2016
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Oh, wow, you'll have to send some pictures so I can see! We may be related somehow. Never know!
Thanks for reading and leaving comments. I appreciate is so much,
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from c_lucas
It appears as if the girls had gotten more than they bargain for This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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It appears as if the girls had gotten more than they bargain for This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for an interesting read.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much! The witch may have gotten more than she bargained for as well...
Have a great day,
Rhonda
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, Very good chapter which is well written and highly entertaining. I like the story a lot.
Yes, it's correct that you put quotation marks at the start of each paragraph, when the same person continue to speak, but when the person stops speaking you need to close with quotation marks.
Looking forward to what is next. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Hi Rhonda, Very good chapter which is well written and highly entertaining. I like the story a lot.
Yes, it's correct that you put quotation marks at the start of each paragraph, when the same person continue to speak, but when the person stops speaking you need to close with quotation marks.
Looking forward to what is next. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 13-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Thank you, Ulla, for the clarification on the quotation marks! If you see me slip up, feel free to tell me so.
Have a good day,
Rhonda
Comment from MTF1955
Excellent! Another great chapter. I just love these girls. Look forward to how they are going to been the witch at her own game. Mary
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Excellent! Another great chapter. I just love these girls. Look forward to how they are going to been the witch at her own game. Mary
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. They will soon engage her and a couple of other characters in the mansion. I appreciate you keeping up, my friend,
Rhonda
Comment from robyn corum
Rhonda,
Another fascinating chapter. Thanks for sharing!
Just one small note:
1.) 'I just wish we had more light, and better tools. It (wouldn't?) be hard [d - 'enough'] to do this if we had what we needed.'
--> curious about this line
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Rhonda,
Another fascinating chapter. Thanks for sharing!
Just one small note:
1.) 'I just wish we had more light, and better tools. It (wouldn't?) be hard [d - 'enough'] to do this if we had what we needed.'
--> curious about this line
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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I'll check it, Robyn, thanks. I struggled with that line as well. I appreciate the support,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-A good picture for this chapter.
-Very well written, as Sally had to finish her part of the story, and Nancy took over.
-You created a very somber mood in the beginning to let everything sink in for Sally, Nancy, and the audience.
-The hag's effects on people continues with the girls, as they feel a cold sensation when trying the door.
-I like the introduction of the cell phone; I didn't know they were available this early.
-It sounded like a great plan, but then, it would have been too easy!
-The hag had created a miserable situation for the two girls, and they had to get back to the others without a phone.
-The hag makes an appearance on her balcony with the green glow surrounding her.
-She has heard of the Daredevil Girls, but has a low opinion of them--they think they are better than everyone else, in her estimation.
-It makes one wonder if she, or someone close to her, had been thwarted by the Daredevil Girls, and that is the reason for her disdain.
-Then, it seems Tabby and Elizabeth have some kind of plan.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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-A good picture for this chapter.
-Very well written, as Sally had to finish her part of the story, and Nancy took over.
-You created a very somber mood in the beginning to let everything sink in for Sally, Nancy, and the audience.
-The hag's effects on people continues with the girls, as they feel a cold sensation when trying the door.
-I like the introduction of the cell phone; I didn't know they were available this early.
-It sounded like a great plan, but then, it would have been too easy!
-The hag had created a miserable situation for the two girls, and they had to get back to the others without a phone.
-The hag makes an appearance on her balcony with the green glow surrounding her.
-She has heard of the Daredevil Girls, but has a low opinion of them--they think they are better than everyone else, in her estimation.
-It makes one wonder if she, or someone close to her, had been thwarted by the Daredevil Girls, and that is the reason for her disdain.
-Then, it seems Tabby and Elizabeth have some kind of plan.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Thank you, so much, for the brilliant shining stars! They have made my morning!
I appreciate, once more, the care you spend on detail.
The witch, and her associates have their wands dipped in more than a haunted house, and, yes, the Daredevil Girls have been a thorn in her side for some time. They will continue to be.
Thank you, most sincerely,
Rhonda
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You are very welcome for the stars and review. Glad it made your morning. Thank you for your continued appreciation. It means a lot. Interesting comments on the witch--her associates? So, things will not go "gently into the night," it seems:)
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Indeed not...
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Didn't think so, or it wouldn't be a mystery.
Comment from rspoet
Another very fine addition to your story
The image of a witch implanted in my brain since
well, many years ago, is that of Margret Hamilton
the Wicked Witch of the West, in all her Greenness
so your green witch is very satisfying
and her powers over the environment scary
enough to frighten young readers (and some older ones, too)
Perhaps, a little "water" would help
melt Her Wickedness
This reminds me of Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys mysteries
with an old time feel,
of course, video games and cell phones brings it in to the present
Well done
I saw nothing to change,
except, hurry up and post the next chapter
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Another very fine addition to your story
The image of a witch implanted in my brain since
well, many years ago, is that of Margret Hamilton
the Wicked Witch of the West, in all her Greenness
so your green witch is very satisfying
and her powers over the environment scary
enough to frighten young readers (and some older ones, too)
Perhaps, a little "water" would help
melt Her Wickedness
This reminds me of Nancy Drew or Hardy Boys mysteries
with an old time feel,
of course, video games and cell phones brings it in to the present
Well done
I saw nothing to change,
except, hurry up and post the next chapter
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Thank you, my friend! Your reviews are a,ways personal and detailed and that's so helpful.
The witch is a bit like the Wizard of Oz, isn't she? Hmm, maybe she could use some flying monkey!
Thanks, again, and especially for the beautiful six stars, which makes all of us writers smile.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Rookette
Wow! What an intriguing story! You are truly artistic with your words. This is such a fantastic, enticing read. Now I must go back to the beginning! Great work! xoLeslie
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Wow! What an intriguing story! You are truly artistic with your words. This is such a fantastic, enticing read. Now I must go back to the beginning! Great work! xoLeslie
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Awww, thank you so much. I would be thrilled if you would go back and read, and I am so glad you decided to read this one!
Take care,
Rhonda
