The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Inside the Haunted House"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
37 total reviews
Comment from rspoet
This is a very fine episode in the story
You've created the atmosphere perfectly:
"the old heavy door slammed shut behind me like the lid on a coffin"
"an eerie, green glow exuded as if from the wall themselves"
yet anchor the scene with the calm of familiarity:
"I noticed was a large intricately woven rug spread across the entrance"
"an old cupboard like so many grandmothers have in their houses"
Yet, still the tension and danger increase
"grabbed my arm in a death-like grip as cold as the handle on the door"
The entire scene is beautifully written
if "beauty" can be used in a haunted house
Very nicely done
Six eerie, green stars
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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This is a very fine episode in the story
You've created the atmosphere perfectly:
"the old heavy door slammed shut behind me like the lid on a coffin"
"an eerie, green glow exuded as if from the wall themselves"
yet anchor the scene with the calm of familiarity:
"I noticed was a large intricately woven rug spread across the entrance"
"an old cupboard like so many grandmothers have in their houses"
Yet, still the tension and danger increase
"grabbed my arm in a death-like grip as cold as the handle on the door"
The entire scene is beautifully written
if "beauty" can be used in a haunted house
Very nicely done
Six eerie, green stars
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Thank you for the six eerie stars! I'll take them gladly! You are a kind and careful reader, making sure to point out all the details so I can learn from what you've said! I always appreciate your taking the time,
Rhonda
Comment from GeraldS
This is a well-written story that engages the reader and holds his/her interest. I like your writing style with descriptions that invoke visual images in the minds of readers.
For your information, I only use blanket quotation marks when a narrator is telling the story to the reader.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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This is a well-written story that engages the reader and holds his/her interest. I like your writing style with descriptions that invoke visual images in the minds of readers.
For your information, I only use blanket quotation marks when a narrator is telling the story to the reader.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Do you have examples of this? I would really like to simplify. Thanks for the review!
Rhonda
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Yes.
The one story I wrote using blanket quotation marks starts off:
"Hi!
"My name is Merlin, and I'd like to tell you my story.
"Now I know what you're thinking... "
It's no longer posted unfortunately. But it's a case where the narrator is talking directly to the reader.
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So, you use the quotations marks throughout? Even if it goes to a new chapter? And what about when he quotes someone else?
Thanks, I know it's a lot of questions, but you are being very helpful.
Your story sounds good, too bad it's not still on here.
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In my story (told by a narrator) I started each paragraph with quotation marks ("), but only ended the last paragraph by closing the quotation ("). Where the narrator quoted someone else I used single quotes ('...'). In the case where the narration goes on for multiple chapters, I think I'd be inclined to close the last paragraph at the end of the chapter and start anew in the next chapter. Just my opinion. I'm not holding myself out as an expert on this.
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Thanks, that's great help!!
Comment from seaglass
This is another interesting segment and continues to hold my attention. I'm wondering it this is a ghost a real live maniac. I also learned something from your notes regarding quotation marks.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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This is another interesting segment and continues to hold my attention. I'm wondering it this is a ghost a real live maniac. I also learned something from your notes regarding quotation marks.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much. I'm finally getting to some action on this story! Keeps me motivated, too. Again, thank you for your time and comments,
Rhonda
Comment from aryr
This writing kept me almost clued to the computer to continue reading line after line. You were very descriptive of both the house and what she was feeling and experiencing. I found myself holding my breath in a couple of spots and felt chills in others. Thank you, I really enjoyed it.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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This writing kept me almost clued to the computer to continue reading line after line. You were very descriptive of both the house and what she was feeling and experiencing. I found myself holding my breath in a couple of spots and felt chills in others. Thank you, I really enjoyed it.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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What an incredibly moving review. Thank you so much! I am encouraged to keep going in the same vein, so that's useful feedback. I look forward to your reading more!
Rhonda
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welcome
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Rhonda,
Great job with your descriptive details! I was barely breathing the whole time I was reading. And the ending was nightmarish. ..can't wait to see what Nancy has in store for us. But I need to catch my breath first. ;-)
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Great job with your descriptive details! I was barely breathing the whole time I was reading. And the ending was nightmarish. ..can't wait to see what Nancy has in store for us. But I need to catch my breath first. ;-)
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much! I'm glad it's building the action and intrigue people were wanting!
Rhonda
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rhonda,
It's a nice piece in continuation beautifully depicting its theme.
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching with the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout from top to bottom.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
It's a nice piece in continuation beautifully depicting its theme.
Wording is impressive and perfectly matching with the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout from top to bottom.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much for the support and comments. Your thoughts are helpful for further development!
Rhonda
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Rhonda,
Great writing here. Clear, concise, spellbinding--you really manage to draw the reader in and make him care about the fate of your characters. Your similes are fantastic as well. They're refreshingly original. Well done!
I look forward to reading more.
Best to you,
Lana
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Hi Rhonda,
Great writing here. Clear, concise, spellbinding--you really manage to draw the reader in and make him care about the fate of your characters. Your similes are fantastic as well. They're refreshingly original. Well done!
I look forward to reading more.
Best to you,
Lana
Comment Written 04-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, Lana. I hope to have you read more!
Rhonda
Comment from jusylee72
I don't want to go to that house but I do want to read the rest of this story. Vivid descriptions and it is building up to a new conflict. So interesting that we don't listen to our instincts and still walk through doors to turmoil.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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I don't want to go to that house but I do want to read the rest of this story. Vivid descriptions and it is building up to a new conflict. So interesting that we don't listen to our instincts and still walk through doors to turmoil.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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Too true. We go where we shouldn't over and over. Thanks for following!
Rhonda
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Another good chapter. I am really enjoying these instalments.
A cold draft hit my face like an open handed slap - open-handed. and a great description.
it just exuded as an eerie green glow from the walls themselves. - maybe re-work this to just an eerie, green glow exuded as if from the wall themselves.
The lamp was not turned on, but was bathed in the same eerie green light emanating from the walls.
- perhaps the eerie green glow could be bouncing off or reflecting from the crystals here rather than repeating the 'from the walls' description.
A little to the left of the table was an open hallway. It was to there my attention was drawn - this is quite long and could be made smoother with something like - A shadowed hallway to the left of the table drew my attention.
It may be an idea to read through the green ooze / light descriptions and try to find some alternatives for them. The atmosphere is great as is the tone, but perhaps a little too much sameness in this aspect of the description?
All the best
G
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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Hi there,
Another good chapter. I am really enjoying these instalments.
A cold draft hit my face like an open handed slap - open-handed. and a great description.
it just exuded as an eerie green glow from the walls themselves. - maybe re-work this to just an eerie, green glow exuded as if from the wall themselves.
The lamp was not turned on, but was bathed in the same eerie green light emanating from the walls.
- perhaps the eerie green glow could be bouncing off or reflecting from the crystals here rather than repeating the 'from the walls' description.
A little to the left of the table was an open hallway. It was to there my attention was drawn - this is quite long and could be made smoother with something like - A shadowed hallway to the left of the table drew my attention.
It may be an idea to read through the green ooze / light descriptions and try to find some alternatives for them. The atmosphere is great as is the tone, but perhaps a little too much sameness in this aspect of the description?
All the best
G
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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Thanks for the suggestions, and I agree with each one. Also good to vary the description. I have a bad habit of overstating and being repetitive. I'm glad you went back to look into the details!
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from William Ross
I just love the way you write, like every detail made so visual in your head as you are there with them. Really love this story. wonderful read.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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I just love the way you write, like every detail made so visual in your head as you are there with them. Really love this story. wonderful read.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, William, for your constant input. It is useful and encouraging!
Rhonda
