The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Inside the Haunted House"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
37 total reviews
Comment from I am Cat
Rhonda,
Hello my dear friend... I'm back (I think) and wanting to catch up on some stories and poems of writers I have missed most... this book, one of my favorites, I hope to catch up to fairly quickly. ;) I may even end up reading through some without reviewing too indepth if they don't need it (which I'm sure they don't) lol
But you know me, I have to put in my two cents worth) lol
And of course, I want you to know I've been here. ;)
So here I go...
some thoughts... (I LOVE this book, you must know by now)
(from the other story)
"Something inside me made me turn and point the beam of my flashlight toward[s] the mansion. It was so close... I began to walk forward and away from the safety of my friends. Closer and closer I crept toward the sinister house.
(I've looked up 'toward/towards, seems as if this is a difference in cultures... Americans don't use the word, 'towards' much... it's more of a cultural thing... I always stop and look when I see towards and forwards... they don't look correct to me... you have both 'towards' and 'toward' in this paragraph, if I were you, I'd stick with one... (my preference would be toward, because you are, after all... American) lol
I wanted to turn around and run back to her, boldly declaring the trophy as mine, but that same force that pulled me toward[s] the house now held me in its powerful grasp."
"Against my better judgment, and ignoring the cries of those older and wiser, I stepped through the heavy door into what once must have been an elegant foyer. A cold draft hit my face like an open-handed slap and pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger. A pungent odor followed reeking of filth and decay.
(spellbinding first paragraph!)
Amazing opening! First few paragraphs are just so well written!
Once colorful patterns were muted with time like a sad memory of prosperous days. It felt soft and plush under my sandaled feet, lending the illusion of comfort and hospitality.
The entire description of inside the place with the witch-like creature is VERY well done!
this:
I slowly backed toward[s] the door, my eyes trained on the witch-like creature, until I could feel an ice cold handle touch my back.
(shows again, the 's' on towards... you can choose to ignore me at this point if you don't want to continue on this game with me. lol)
Panicked, I whirled, grabbed the handle with both hands and jerked frantically. (I wonder... would an adverb work better for the beginning of this sentence? Panicking....)? just a thought)
Quickly after this, my entire body seized with violent shaking, and then(...) all turned dark.
(suggest ellipses here? Because it feels like your body all turned dark the way it's written?)
Great job honey... can't wait to catch up!
Love you! (and we need to talk sometime this summer about a collaboration... ;)
mwah
Cat
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Rhonda,
Hello my dear friend... I'm back (I think) and wanting to catch up on some stories and poems of writers I have missed most... this book, one of my favorites, I hope to catch up to fairly quickly. ;) I may even end up reading through some without reviewing too indepth if they don't need it (which I'm sure they don't) lol
But you know me, I have to put in my two cents worth) lol
And of course, I want you to know I've been here. ;)
So here I go...
some thoughts... (I LOVE this book, you must know by now)
(from the other story)
"Something inside me made me turn and point the beam of my flashlight toward[s] the mansion. It was so close... I began to walk forward and away from the safety of my friends. Closer and closer I crept toward the sinister house.
(I've looked up 'toward/towards, seems as if this is a difference in cultures... Americans don't use the word, 'towards' much... it's more of a cultural thing... I always stop and look when I see towards and forwards... they don't look correct to me... you have both 'towards' and 'toward' in this paragraph, if I were you, I'd stick with one... (my preference would be toward, because you are, after all... American) lol
I wanted to turn around and run back to her, boldly declaring the trophy as mine, but that same force that pulled me toward[s] the house now held me in its powerful grasp."
"Against my better judgment, and ignoring the cries of those older and wiser, I stepped through the heavy door into what once must have been an elegant foyer. A cold draft hit my face like an open-handed slap and pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger. A pungent odor followed reeking of filth and decay.
(spellbinding first paragraph!)
Amazing opening! First few paragraphs are just so well written!
Once colorful patterns were muted with time like a sad memory of prosperous days. It felt soft and plush under my sandaled feet, lending the illusion of comfort and hospitality.
The entire description of inside the place with the witch-like creature is VERY well done!
this:
I slowly backed toward[s] the door, my eyes trained on the witch-like creature, until I could feel an ice cold handle touch my back.
(shows again, the 's' on towards... you can choose to ignore me at this point if you don't want to continue on this game with me. lol)
Panicked, I whirled, grabbed the handle with both hands and jerked frantically. (I wonder... would an adverb work better for the beginning of this sentence? Panicking....)? just a thought)
Quickly after this, my entire body seized with violent shaking, and then(...) all turned dark.
(suggest ellipses here? Because it feels like your body all turned dark the way it's written?)
Great job honey... can't wait to catch up!
Love you! (and we need to talk sometime this summer about a collaboration... ;)
mwah
Cat
Comment Written 02-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 02-Jul-2016
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Oh, wow, I'm so glad to 'see you" back. Those are some great suggestions, and I appreciate the time you are taking for it!! I'm on my iPad right now, but later I'll get on the computer to make changes.
I get in trouble for adverbs, and I'm not sure why. Supposedly they are taboo in prose??
That funny about the "towards". Sometimes you don't even know things are wrong until someone points it out.
Love and hugs,
Rhonda
PS, I'm looking forward to the collaboration!!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Wow. Quite a dramatic chapter. Very chilling when encountering an inhospitable spirit.
I loved this line: "I was not fooled, but I was beguiled, and that's almost the same."
You do a great job of setting up your reader to see and feel the old woman's spirit. You want to say out loud, "Don't go in that house!" but, of course, you want to see inside!
Good job, Rhonda!
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Wow. Quite a dramatic chapter. Very chilling when encountering an inhospitable spirit.
I loved this line: "I was not fooled, but I was beguiled, and that's almost the same."
You do a great job of setting up your reader to see and feel the old woman's spirit. You want to say out loud, "Don't go in that house!" but, of course, you want to see inside!
Good job, Rhonda!
Comment Written 25-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Yes, just like we watch NASCAR to watch the guys crash! Right? Okay, my husbands just likes racing, but I watch to see who's going to crash. Any rate, thanks, once again, for reading the chapters to catch up. JT is doing the same thing. It sure helps me to have people keep the continuity to help with alignment issues. It's so embarrassing to have a character speak up when they are supposed to have taken off and gone a different way. I'm only saying that because it's happened. Right?
Anyway, thanks so much, this is fun for me, too!
Rhonda
Comment from A.A.A.EXHILARATING RIDE
Wowee! Six from me! You moved me with growing tension, step by step. Yet, there were so many detailed old granny home memories that aged with value. Like intricately worked brass pots that can be made shiny again. Not to last long, but enough to relive a life working fondly and living in their day. Experiences maybe taken over by TV for most these days; days when one has rarely just spent weeks engrossed in literature only to be disappointed when `the film' is out!
So well done! I just love it! And the way I now wait in dim green illumined, tension whirring, glow for the next speaker to jump in.
Great writing! What a privileged and joy to absorb your expertise as your story evolves into a book! Thank you, Maureen*&*
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Wowee! Six from me! You moved me with growing tension, step by step. Yet, there were so many detailed old granny home memories that aged with value. Like intricately worked brass pots that can be made shiny again. Not to last long, but enough to relive a life working fondly and living in their day. Experiences maybe taken over by TV for most these days; days when one has rarely just spent weeks engrossed in literature only to be disappointed when `the film' is out!
So well done! I just love it! And the way I now wait in dim green illumined, tension whirring, glow for the next speaker to jump in.
Great writing! What a privileged and joy to absorb your expertise as your story evolves into a book! Thank you, Maureen*&*
Comment Written 08-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 09-Apr-2016
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Awww, thanks for the wonderful and appreciated 6 star review. On top of that, you are so good at giving detailed reviews. Thank you so much!
Rhonda
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Thank you for adding to precious Sunday blessings, enjoy a great week, Maureen*&*
Comment from Authorsue
Well written as always (smile). The story is moving along nicely.
But, as always I did find a few glitches. (nothing major)
I reached a tiny hand up and knocked. (I don't think she'd think of her own hand as tiny).
pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger, Gulping audibly (these draw a kind of crass picture for a woman's actions).
I would only use quote marks for actual dialogue.
Quickly after this, (you don't need this. Tense scenes need to be short, quick, and to the point).
I will return the story to my sister, Nancy, as my memory of the rest of the night is shrouded in a dark and disturbing mist. (I would save this until the background of the next chapter).
You did very well with this. Kudos.
Sue
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Well written as always (smile). The story is moving along nicely.
But, as always I did find a few glitches. (nothing major)
I reached a tiny hand up and knocked. (I don't think she'd think of her own hand as tiny).
pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger, Gulping audibly (these draw a kind of crass picture for a woman's actions).
I would only use quote marks for actual dialogue.
Quickly after this, (you don't need this. Tense scenes need to be short, quick, and to the point).
I will return the story to my sister, Nancy, as my memory of the rest of the night is shrouded in a dark and disturbing mist. (I would save this until the background of the next chapter).
You did very well with this. Kudos.
Sue
Comment Written 06-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, Sue. You have put a lot of thought into this review, and I greatly appreciate that. Several really good suggestions, and I will go bacK and make those corrections!
This is actually the end of that chapter in my original book, funny you picked up on it. The next few will be parts of the next.
Again, thank you for the hard work,
Rhonda
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You're very welcome.
Sue
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Rhonda, thank you for the reviewer vote.
Sue
Comment from Ulla
Hi Rhonda, this is another fine chapter to your story that I thoroughly enjoyed. It's well written a well told. Just a suggestion. A the very end: I will return the story.....
I would separate this from the paragraph all together and let it stand alone.
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Hi Rhonda, this is another fine chapter to your story that I thoroughly enjoyed. It's well written a well told. Just a suggestion. A the very end: I will return the story.....
I would separate this from the paragraph all together and let it stand alone.
I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 06-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 07-Apr-2016
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Oh, good idea for the ending. That does help set that part off. Thank you so much for the review!
Rhonda
Comment from robyn corum
Rhonda,
Another well-crafted chapter in your story! I enjoyed this piece and felt you did a great job conveying the eerieness of the old place. Kudos!
One note:
From your description:
'Sally (enters) the haunted house warily.'
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2016
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Rhonda,
Another well-crafted chapter in your story! I enjoyed this piece and felt you did a great job conveying the eerieness of the old place. Kudos!
One note:
From your description:
'Sally (enters) the haunted house warily.'
Comment Written 06-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2016
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Thanks so much for the review and tip. It's funny the things you miss!
Have a great day,
Rhonda
Comment from Chris Walker
Oh I liked this! What a fun and captivating read. I need to find the rest of the chapters you've written about the Daredevil Girls. Smooth and well written, this is was easy to become engrossed in. Chris
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Oh I liked this! What a fun and captivating read. I need to find the rest of the chapters you've written about the Daredevil Girls. Smooth and well written, this is was easy to become engrossed in. Chris
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, Chris. What a delightful review. I do hope you go back and read the beginning. You don't have to review them, but reading them would be fun for me. I'd love to have you follow it!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
You've really put Sally in the poo in this chapter. She enters the house and is immediately beseiged by fearsome events and objects. The action in this is first class and your descriptions of the horror are very present and scary. The witch like ghost that traps her is really well described, quite chilling. Excellent writing.
This is being picky, but the first line caught my attention. Just a thought...
my own better judgment..simpler, just as accurate...my better judgment
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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You've really put Sally in the poo in this chapter. She enters the house and is immediately beseiged by fearsome events and objects. The action in this is first class and your descriptions of the horror are very present and scary. The witch like ghost that traps her is really well described, quite chilling. Excellent writing.
This is being picky, but the first line caught my attention. Just a thought...
my own better judgment..simpler, just as accurate...my better judgment
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Thank you for the suggestion, and you're right, it does sound better. It's always good to look through other's eyes!
Yes, Sally is knee deep in it. But....she is a Daredevil Girl!!!
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from CDyer
I'm enjoying your story! It's about time for some of those good supernatural creatures to appear -- just sayin'! I would have never attained membership in a group like this at that age. I wouldn't want to at this age. Your scenes are so descriptive. I can visualize what the character is seeing. Though I would not want to feel or smell, you're able to draw the reader in with those descriptions as well. Can't wait for more.
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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I'm enjoying your story! It's about time for some of those good supernatural creatures to appear -- just sayin'! I would have never attained membership in a group like this at that age. I wouldn't want to at this age. Your scenes are so descriptive. I can visualize what the character is seeing. Though I would not want to feel or smell, you're able to draw the reader in with those descriptions as well. Can't wait for more.
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, yes, they are an adventurous lot! Not me at that age, or any other, for that matter. Gotta live vicariously through the characters!
Thank you for the comments on being descriptive, because that's what I was hoping for.
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-This is an excellent chapter!
-A good image for this chapter; I like how you use a different one each time.
-Sally continues her story well; she certainly takes a big risk, but it makes for great suspense.
-The progression in the plot is excellent, step by step after she has entered the mansion.
-Good use of imagery:
"A cold draft hit my face... and pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger."
-Excellent description of the room as Sally observes it.
-Then, Sally meets the old woman. Great description, so the reader can picture her very well.
-I like the paragraph about trying the door, and it wouldn't budge and the handle was cold.
-A great segue to the end when the old woman touched Sally, and the cold from the witch crept onto Sally, just like the feel of the door, only worse.
-And now we have to wait for Nancy to continue because Sally doesn't remember from there.
-I have one question, how does the green glow that seems to pulsate through
the walls become ooze later, or are we just to assume that's what it did?
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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-This is an excellent chapter!
-A good image for this chapter; I like how you use a different one each time.
-Sally continues her story well; she certainly takes a big risk, but it makes for great suspense.
-The progression in the plot is excellent, step by step after she has entered the mansion.
-Good use of imagery:
"A cold draft hit my face... and pulled the air from my lungs like a plunger."
-Excellent description of the room as Sally observes it.
-Then, Sally meets the old woman. Great description, so the reader can picture her very well.
-I like the paragraph about trying the door, and it wouldn't budge and the handle was cold.
-A great segue to the end when the old woman touched Sally, and the cold from the witch crept onto Sally, just like the feel of the door, only worse.
-And now we have to wait for Nancy to continue because Sally doesn't remember from there.
-I have one question, how does the green glow that seems to pulsate through
the walls become ooze later, or are we just to assume that's what it did?
Comment Written 05-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful six star rating! It is as generous as your comments! I still love the way you take care to be very detailed in your reviews. It is so very helpful!
I think ooze was probably too strong a word for that description. It sort of makes it sound gelatinous, which it's not. I'll go back and fix it, thanks!
Rhonda
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You are so welcome for the *'s and the review. They are very deserved, as this was an excellent chapter. It means a lot that you appreciate the effort, as I enjoy putting it into good writing. I almost didn't say anything about the ooze, but it didn't seem to "gel" with what you had said earlier. Glad it helped.
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Gel, that's good!!
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Thought you would like it:)
