Prosetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Grief "Story telling poems
40 total reviews
Comment from DonandVicki
It is amazing how a human being can endue such grief and still have the will to go on. It seems likely that you have a lot of faith to continue, Well written.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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It is amazing how a human being can endue such grief and still have the will to go on. It seems likely that you have a lot of faith to continue, Well written.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. It has helped me to write. it truly makes life easier. I do believe in people and life. I am an optimitt
Comment from I am Cat
First of all, I'm so sorry for your losses. So sorry for that. Your pain is evident in this. The emotions come through. My thoughts are that you emote very well, but this seems to be more of a prose piece, than poetry, you know? And even though you've written it in verses, or well... broken lines, you still need to punctuate. And I've done a little here, but there are far too many to go back and do. So if you choose NOT to punctuate, then my suggestion is to at least show where the sentences start and end, by using capitalization ONLY on the first word of sentences, and on proper nouns. That would make more sense.
some fixes in verb tense:
That despite the pain all of the adults in his life ha(ve) caused
punctuation:
To be successful, though not rich(,)
verb tense:
Knowing that they were loved and care(d for)
(that might work better?)
and capitalization:
At the young age of 37, (a) (h)eart (a)ttack?
I do wish you great luck in the contest...
I'm happy to help with editing, if you like. Just let me know, ok? I don't want to assume you want help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Cat
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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First of all, I'm so sorry for your losses. So sorry for that. Your pain is evident in this. The emotions come through. My thoughts are that you emote very well, but this seems to be more of a prose piece, than poetry, you know? And even though you've written it in verses, or well... broken lines, you still need to punctuate. And I've done a little here, but there are far too many to go back and do. So if you choose NOT to punctuate, then my suggestion is to at least show where the sentences start and end, by using capitalization ONLY on the first word of sentences, and on proper nouns. That would make more sense.
some fixes in verb tense:
That despite the pain all of the adults in his life ha(ve) caused
punctuation:
To be successful, though not rich(,)
verb tense:
Knowing that they were loved and care(d for)
(that might work better?)
and capitalization:
At the young age of 37, (a) (h)eart (a)ttack?
I do wish you great luck in the contest...
I'm happy to help with editing, if you like. Just let me know, ok? I don't want to assume you want help.
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
Cat
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. I truly want help. I have only been on the website a couple of weeks and so much of what people tell me extremely helpful. I also have been writing a novel, Buttons and I received a very long critique that made it so much better. That is what this is about helping each other. Thank You.
Comment from Kaydoe
You certainly met the criteria for "FeelingPoetry". My heartbreaks when things
happen, especially when good people die young. My step-son died in 2010 at age 45, it was so sad, and hard on my husband. I am glad your doing better. Thanks for sharing with us.
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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You certainly met the criteria for "FeelingPoetry". My heartbreaks when things
happen, especially when good people die young. My step-son died in 2010 at age 45, it was so sad, and hard on my husband. I am glad your doing better. Thanks for sharing with us.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. It must have been very hard on your husband. i need people like you who understand. Life is getting better and I appreciate you.
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If you ever need to talk or write feel free!
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I wish you so much comfort. Thank you for helping me with mine.
Comment from Lancer1979
OMG! I'm not usually one that is at a loss for words, but after reading this I'm speechless and I'm not sure what to say, because "thank you" seems totally inadequate. I could feel your pain throughout. The last stanza and then the last line hit me like being hit by a wall. You have my deepest condolences. :(
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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OMG! I'm not usually one that is at a loss for words, but after reading this I'm speechless and I'm not sure what to say, because "thank you" seems totally inadequate. I could feel your pain throughout. The last stanza and then the last line hit me like being hit by a wall. You have my deepest condolences. :(
Comment Written 29-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 29-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. It hurt to write but it helped to write. Thank you so much for understanding. I am growing so much from writing on Fanstory.
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You're welcome. I wish you well on your writing journey. You have inspired me to write something tomorrow. It's very late, almost 1AM, and I should have been asleep hours ago. :D
Comment from Douglas Paul
This is a powerful and insightful poem about a double tragedy in your life. I hope your writing helps you sort out your feelings. I know it does that for me. I wish you well
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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This is a powerful and insightful poem about a double tragedy in your life. I hope your writing helps you sort out your feelings. I know it does that for me. I wish you well
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Writing truly does help and so do all of you that read it and respond. Thank you so much
Comment from edieas
An emotion-packed poem, full of pain, and thankfully, anger. Why am I glad you got angry? Because you didn't bury it somewhere deep where it can hurt you forever. A shoe at the wall is good relief. I hope you find the other one and give it hell, too! Loving you, edieas
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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An emotion-packed poem, full of pain, and thankfully, anger. Why am I glad you got angry? Because you didn't bury it somewhere deep where it can hurt you forever. A shoe at the wall is good relief. I hope you find the other one and give it hell, too! Loving you, edieas
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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I love your response and I agree sometimes we just have to get angry so that we can move on. You truly touched me with your response.
Comment from LishaG
Your use of genuine emotion and honesty makes this a powerful piece. Grief puts us into another plane of existence, so it makes sense that for a time, the mourner has difficulty functioning in the everyday world. You did a nice job using a lost shoe to express this disconnection. I like that you ended the piece with an action rather than a philosophical statement. One question - I'm not sure what you meant in the second line with the word "adjective." Take care.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Your use of genuine emotion and honesty makes this a powerful piece. Grief puts us into another plane of existence, so it makes sense that for a time, the mourner has difficulty functioning in the everyday world. You did a nice job using a lost shoe to express this disconnection. I like that you ended the piece with an action rather than a philosophical statement. One question - I'm not sure what you meant in the second line with the word "adjective." Take care.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Thank you for reading and letting me know your confusion. It was the use of the word Step in front of son. When i felt like he was truly my son. Do you think I should have used something different, Like Descriptive word. Anyway let me know because I love your honest.
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Thank you for the explanation. Would you consider deleting the phrase that contains "adjective"? That would mean that your first stanza would end with the word "son." This would be followed by a blank line. This creates a more poignant opening, and some readers might even equate the stanza break with a piece that's missing from your life. Later in the poem you mention a friend who has daughters with adjectives. Then you talk about your son. Here it makes sense to keep the adjective references because the two stanzas mirror each other. As I'm writing this, I don't have access to your poem, so please forgive me if I missed some of the details.
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I did it and I believe the edit truly made it more powerful. I introduced his descriptor after introducing it with Krissie" daughters . It made much more sense. Thank you so much.
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Thanks for the update. I'm glad you like the changes.
Comment from mfowler
This is both very sad and very well done. Condolences to you for your losses. One is hard enough, but two loved ones is crushing.
The shoe motif which begins your poem and returns at the end to complete your narrative arc, is very original and extremely effective in demonstrating loss of normal function. For some reason, it's what people commonly throw when frustrated, hence I lost my shoe.
Your poem follows through the back history of your step-son and the tragi-comedy that is your friend's death. (I mean tragi/comedy as a way of saying it sounds laughable, but it's really - tragic. the verse cascades, capturing in snippets details and feelings, each with their own connection to the lost shoe. Excellent use of metaphor and free verse to express this deep emotion of grief.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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This is both very sad and very well done. Condolences to you for your losses. One is hard enough, but two loved ones is crushing.
The shoe motif which begins your poem and returns at the end to complete your narrative arc, is very original and extremely effective in demonstrating loss of normal function. For some reason, it's what people commonly throw when frustrated, hence I lost my shoe.
Your poem follows through the back history of your step-son and the tragi-comedy that is your friend's death. (I mean tragi/comedy as a way of saying it sounds laughable, but it's really - tragic. the verse cascades, capturing in snippets details and feelings, each with their own connection to the lost shoe. Excellent use of metaphor and free verse to express this deep emotion of grief.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Wow, thank you for the very thoughtful reply. I miss them both but am doing much better. So nice to throw out truth instead of pretending to be strong. You helped me today. Thank you.
Comment from damommy
First let me say how sorry I am for your losses. I lost my oldest son and a grandson, so I know what you're going through. You're right, we have to cherish the memories and let the rest go.
You have expressed feeling grief so very well. To say I enjoyed reading it seems crass, but I did enjoy reading. I could tell everything you said came from your heart. I'm glad to see that you're doing better. God bless you. 8-)
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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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First let me say how sorry I am for your losses. I lost my oldest son and a grandson, so I know what you're going through. You're right, we have to cherish the memories and let the rest go.
You have expressed feeling grief so very well. To say I enjoyed reading it seems crass, but I did enjoy reading. I could tell everything you said came from your heart. I'm glad to see that you're doing better. God bless you. 8-)
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Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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I am so sorry for your loss too. I do agree that writing about it and reading others stories really do help. With this fanstory site I can express my truly feelings and not pretend to be ok when I am not. Your review truly helped me.
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I'm so glad. Keep in touch. 8-)
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I'm so glad. Keep in touch. 8-)
Comment from C.J. 16
This poem is filled with emotion. I am so sorry for what you have experienced.
Your poem is very well written, with a great flow of words. I enjoyed reading it, though the subject is so very sad.
Great work on this. Best wishes to you.
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reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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This poem is filled with emotion. I am so sorry for what you have experienced.
Your poem is very well written, with a great flow of words. I enjoyed reading it, though the subject is so very sad.
Great work on this. Best wishes to you.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for reading it. Writing is helping me heal.
