Comment from strandregs

Excellent

That wind might be a godly fart.
aren't I disgusting?
Out of bounds?
Out on a limb?
Do I have a limbic brain at all?
So many questions.
just joking.
it is a beautiful verse
and I'm too terse :-)) Z.

 Comment Written 25-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

Thanks, Zelick!

Your reviews are always a little different!

Steve

reply by strandregs on 02-Apr-2016

Hey Steve its ok . I have an official diagnosis now.
:-))

Comment from Domino 2

Excellent

Excellent middle pivotal line, Steve, that could, as necessary in tanka, be read in conjunction with either the 1st or last 2 lines.

Excellent alliteration and iambic meter in 1st three lines, but I then slipped on 4th line that doesn't scan to me - maybe abbreviated ['gainst], and the last line seems to switch to trochaic meter with the 1st syllable emphasised.

I suspect I'll be the only nit-picker to mention that, and maybe you don't care, OR it's intentional anyway. :-)

Of course, meter isn't a requirement in tanka, but as you incorporated it as a BONUS to start, I thought I'd mention it.

An excellent read.

Cheers, Ray

ADDED - I JUST TRIED TO WRITE A TANKA AND RETAIN A REGULAR METER WITHIN ITS RESTRICTIONS, AND I GAVE UP! MIND YOU, I DON'T HAVE MUCH PATIENCE. ;-)

THEREFORE, I TAKE BACK MY SUGGESTIONS YOU DO SO, TOO.

 Comment Written 25-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 25-Mar-2016

Thanks, Ray - glad you enjoyed.

You are right that I don't care about the meter - not a feature of this form and I was surprised you found any meter in the piece!

Steve

reply by Domino 2 on 25-Mar-2016

Thanks for your gracious reply, Steve. I did add to my review, though it may have crossed with your reply.

I'm meter-obsessed, mate. ;-)

I gave up on my tanka, but I wish you luck with your top entry.

Cheers, Ray.

Comment from Sandra du Plessis

Excellent

A well written tanka. The falling leaves in fall make all kinds of patterns on the lawn. The wind comes from nowhere to dance on the shutters to tugs a lonely heart.

 Comment Written 23-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Sandra.

Steve

Comment from ciliverde

Excellent

Here you are, knocking on winter's door, whilst we in the northern hemisphere are ruminating about the Green Man (hint, hint, my latest is about him).

I LOVE your words, starting with the third line. What wind is this? (great question - why wasn't it in the forecast? Sick of me yet?) But seriously, these last lines speak to the great feeling of wistfulness that seems to come with the fall.

Great entry, I'd vote for you...
Carol

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, again, Carol.

I know a little about the Green Man - I shall ty to remember to look up your piece. Our autumn has arrived very quickly and very definitely. Quite stormy today and we are promised the same for tomorrow, and you know I have great faith in weather forecasters...

Steve

reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, again, Carol.

I know a little about the Green Man - I shall ty to remember to look up your piece. Our autumn has arrived very quickly and very definitely. Quite stormy today and we are promised the same for tomorrow, and you know I have great faith in weather forecasters...

Steve

Comment from Leineco

Excellent

What a delightfully stealthy connection you have strung between
the upper and lower poems! The playthings and the lonely heart
dancing in the winds of falling.

Totally enjoyed this tanka :-)
(great artwork addition too)

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thank you.

Autumn is upon us, here at the bottom of the world.

Steve

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Well, you're in a better mood than ol' Percy B. who called them "Pestilence Stricken Multitudes." Johnny Cash sang "round my door the leaves are fallin'." Hey, it's springtime up here. Excellent tanka, in my untrained opinion

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thank you.

If course, autumn is upon us, here at the bottom of the world.

Steve

Comment from RGstar

Excellent

Lovely...even if I must say so again and again. Perfect for so few words. Affairs of the heart. You elaborate with essences of beauty and movement.


fall's

playthings

pirouette

wind

dances
shutters

This must win.

I have no sixes or this would have received such.

Very good, very good indeed.
Best of luck in the competition.

RGstar

tugging at a lonely heart

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, RG

Not sure where this one came from, but I like it.

Steve

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

I am definitely not a poet and the rules of the Tanks often confuse me. However, this a beautiful entry for this contest, a marvelous treat to read. I sincerely wish you all the best in the contest.

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks again, Sasha.

Steve

Comment from nancy_e_davis

Excellent

The winds of Autumn, feel the change, and hear the lullaby they bring. For it is time again to rest. For us the middle of September brings a new song on the wind and you can feel it and hear it. Lovely Tanka Steve. Good luck. Nancy

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Nancy.

Autumn has come very definitely for us.

Steve

Comment from Dean Kuch

Exceptional

Perfect, Steve-oh.
This is tanka poetry at it's very best, my friend.
Strong verb choices denoting action, such as "pirouette", great sense of season (fall, quite obviously), and a simple yet elegant presentation.

I think you may have a winner here...

Best of luck!

 Comment Written 22-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016

Thanks, Dean.

Feeling good about this one.

Steve

reply by Dean Kuch on 23-Mar-2016

As well you should, Steve.
You're very welcome.
~Dean

reply by Anonymous Member on 26-Mar-2016

As well you should, Steve.
You're very welcome.
~Dean