The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Story Begins"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
30 total reviews
Comment from MelB
What a sad story of Tom Smuth and his family. It's funny, but haunted house stories do seem to attract people. I saw no errors and the chapter flowed smoothly.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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What a sad story of Tom Smuth and his family. It's funny, but haunted house stories do seem to attract people. I saw no errors and the chapter flowed smoothly.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for taking the time to read and review. Yes, the story is sad, but gets sadder...
Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from chasennov
Nancy begins her first Daredevil Girl story. A chapter in the book The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hill. The Story Begins.' What a story you have created here in this fine chapter. The Smyth's were certainly destined to expire the way they did. Very well told.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Nancy begins her first Daredevil Girl story. A chapter in the book The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hill. The Story Begins.' What a story you have created here in this fine chapter. The Smyth's were certainly destined to expire the way they did. Very well told.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Chaz, for reading and reviewing! I appreciate the comments, as well. Take care,
Rhonda
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You are so welcome, Rhonda. Take care.
Comment from Brewster
Again I found myself reading the notes almost as much as the story. Well written but I though not enough action for Superheros and villians-but well written and hill in your description has only one "l". Good work. ****stars
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reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Again I found myself reading the notes almost as much as the story. Well written but I though not enough action for Superheros and villians-but well written and hill in your description has only one "l". Good work. ****stars
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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There isn't action yet because I didn't want to make the chapter too long for people to want to read, so I broke it up. Action will come.
Thank you for your review. and comments,
Rhonda
Comment from country ranch writer
love the old houses like the one in the picture so grace and yet so sinister. A lot goes on behind those walls no one knows about only what the people have said
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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love the old houses like the one in the picture so grace and yet so sinister. A lot goes on behind those walls no one knows about only what the people have said
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Too true. Thanks for the review!
Rhonda
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s m I l e s----memories---
Comment from JTStone
Excellent lead in to the meat and potatoes.
You have a smooth style going with Nancy telling the story. I am curious to see how you are going to work the other characters into the story telling. Transitions can be tricky, so far you seem quite capable. So I am looking forward to it.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Excellent lead in to the meat and potatoes.
You have a smooth style going with Nancy telling the story. I am curious to see how you are going to work the other characters into the story telling. Transitions can be tricky, so far you seem quite capable. So I am looking forward to it.
Jimmy
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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I hope the transitions will work well, but if they don't, I can do without the change outs. It's tricky at best. Please let me know how you think it goes. I am definitely open to suggestions!
Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I like the start of this story. What I think is truly good is the open story telling. I like her beginning about supernatural beings and what they could be about. Good or bad and moving the story to the Fir Trader Creek Estate. How the family of Smyth's owned this three story mansion with an attic and eerie basement.
The story of when the youngest was killed and his father and brothers were ambushed by the balloon owner and his boys. Intriguing how death can and will dismantle a family. So, Rhonda, I can say that I am pleased with this story so far. Keep up the good writing my friend.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Rhonda, I like the start of this story. What I think is truly good is the open story telling. I like her beginning about supernatural beings and what they could be about. Good or bad and moving the story to the Fir Trader Creek Estate. How the family of Smyth's owned this three story mansion with an attic and eerie basement.
The story of when the youngest was killed and his father and brothers were ambushed by the balloon owner and his boys. Intriguing how death can and will dismantle a family. So, Rhonda, I can say that I am pleased with this story so far. Keep up the good writing my friend.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much, Jim! I am now going into the story, and lots of changes will take place, so I appreciate suggestions. Don't be afraid to speak up if something isn't working!
Rhonda
Comment from Mike Stevens
Another fine chapter, Rhonda--boy, talk about you scariss interruptus--I was all set to be scared, then NOTHING! Oh well--next time!
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Another fine chapter, Rhonda--boy, talk about you scariss interruptus--I was all set to be scared, then NOTHING! Oh well--next time!
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Yeah, I had the whole thing at first, but it was like 3000 words long, so I broke it up. I'll post the other half in a few days, sorry for the almost scare. It's coming, thanks so much,
Rhonda
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Looking forward to it!
Comment from Douglas Paul
Another good chapter Rhonda. Your writing is smooth as always and I saw no errors. You set up the next part of the story very well and I am ready to believe the mansion is indeed haunted for good reason
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Another good chapter Rhonda. Your writing is smooth as always and I saw no errors. You set up the next part of the story very well and I am ready to believe the mansion is indeed haunted for good reason
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you. maybe the girls need a fiesty Badger to help them on the quest!
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LOL maybe so - PB would probably love it
Comment from lancellot
This interesting, the story and the dialogue within a recounting. A very good idea and a different way to tell a first person story.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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This interesting, the story and the dialogue within a recounting. A very good idea and a different way to tell a first person story.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. It is hard telling stories withing stories, and where to put quotation marks is a much debated topic. I appreciate the review!
Rhonda
Comment from Lettyphall
Your content is interesting especially for students. I used to teach, and I would have recommended your work for students to read.
This is what I would consider for changes:
"I always add conversation in as I remember it or imagine it was said.
Suggestion: omit the "in"
In the beginning I could not see them, like all of you, but now I can.
Suggestion: omit the comma after them
not completely unaware - - this may be double negative. It bugged me the way it was worded.
Suggestion: somewhat aware
They laughed off his fears, ordering him to return without them.
Suggestion: They laughed off his fears and ordered him to return . . . .
Keep the same verb tense.
Her ghost, and the ghosts of her husband and sons, was rumored to haunt the decaying mansion.
Suggestion: It was rumored that her ghost and the ghosts of her husband and sons haunt the decaying mansion.
The flow of your writing keeps a reader interested. I enjoyed reading it.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Your content is interesting especially for students. I used to teach, and I would have recommended your work for students to read.
This is what I would consider for changes:
"I always add conversation in as I remember it or imagine it was said.
Suggestion: omit the "in"
In the beginning I could not see them, like all of you, but now I can.
Suggestion: omit the comma after them
not completely unaware - - this may be double negative. It bugged me the way it was worded.
Suggestion: somewhat aware
They laughed off his fears, ordering him to return without them.
Suggestion: They laughed off his fears and ordered him to return . . . .
Keep the same verb tense.
Her ghost, and the ghosts of her husband and sons, was rumored to haunt the decaying mansion.
Suggestion: It was rumored that her ghost and the ghosts of her husband and sons haunt the decaying mansion.
The flow of your writing keeps a reader interested. I enjoyed reading it.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for the wonderful 6 star rating. It is encouraging. Also, your suggestions are helpful and meaningful for the flow of the story. All is much appreciated!
Rhonda
