The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "The Story Begins"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
30 total reviews
Comment from Sallyo
Intriguing; I see now how the bracketing works. This is well written and I found just a few tiny nits.
In the beginning, I could not see them like all of you, but now I can.
This line seems odd. It appears to imply the audience CAN see the supernatural. I think it might be better rephrased as,
In the beginning, I could not see them any more than all of you can, but now I do.
The Smyth's. This is a plural and doesn't need an apostrophe.
headstrong is one word without a hyphen.
headstrong is one word
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Intriguing; I see now how the bracketing works. This is well written and I found just a few tiny nits.
In the beginning, I could not see them like all of you, but now I can.
This line seems odd. It appears to imply the audience CAN see the supernatural. I think it might be better rephrased as,
In the beginning, I could not see them any more than all of you can, but now I do.
The Smyth's. This is a plural and doesn't need an apostrophe.
headstrong is one word without a hyphen.
headstrong is one word
Comment Written 31-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for picking up on items to be corrected--such is more helpful than people imagine. I'm glad to have your careful eyes watching!
Rhonda
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I'm a freelance editor in my day job:-)
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Oh, wow, lucky for me, and many thanks!
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Alas, editors are like doctors - we often can't treat our own problems. That's why editors have other editors!
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Too true, and thanks so much!
Comment from Green Lake Girl
Now we're getting into the heart of the adventures. Very eager to hear the girls' story. So, you work your way up to a haunted house by lighting off fireworks?? Wow. These girls play for keeps! Eager for the next installment, Rhonda. Great story and lots of suspense.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Now we're getting into the heart of the adventures. Very eager to hear the girls' story. So, you work your way up to a haunted house by lighting off fireworks?? Wow. These girls play for keeps! Eager for the next installment, Rhonda. Great story and lots of suspense.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much for going back to this chapter. Well, fireworks aren't always a must, but it is, after all, the 4th of July. Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from I am Cat
Awesome chapter, Rhonda! One that I actually started reading and reviewing when it first came out... I'm not sure how I got sidetracked,... at any rate, I'm happy to be back here when I have the correct amount of stars anyway. ;)
some thoughts along the way:
There was once a time in civilization's history when they were accepted, their kind embraced by a trusting world. But those days have long since passed, as the exploits of the evilest betrayed that trust. In the beginning, I could not see them like all of you, but now I can. You simply have to know what you are looking for and where to find them. (I found this so true... especially of human nature and aging. It's so personal... we KNOW, as we age, who the good and bad sorts are... and how and where to find them... so true!)
"My story begins on the 4th of July, in the summer before we started the seventh grade. Our chief intentions that night were to have a good time and to celebrate the Birthday of our country. What could have been more innocent and carefree? But as had begun to happen to us already, the night had different plans.
(this is told so well!)
"There is nothing like the lure of a haunted house to draw a group of young sleuths out on a warm summer night. So, on the evening of my story, we decided to bundle our collective courage and spend the night in the old house. We stuffed our backpacks full of everything we could think of that we might need to survive our adventure. We also packed enough fireworks to start a small war for a front lawn party. Haunted houses can't just be entered straight away, you see. You have to work your way up to them." (perfect ending! Wow I just love this story!)
well done, Rhonda. Awesome book series!
c
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Awesome chapter, Rhonda! One that I actually started reading and reviewing when it first came out... I'm not sure how I got sidetracked,... at any rate, I'm happy to be back here when I have the correct amount of stars anyway. ;)
some thoughts along the way:
There was once a time in civilization's history when they were accepted, their kind embraced by a trusting world. But those days have long since passed, as the exploits of the evilest betrayed that trust. In the beginning, I could not see them like all of you, but now I can. You simply have to know what you are looking for and where to find them. (I found this so true... especially of human nature and aging. It's so personal... we KNOW, as we age, who the good and bad sorts are... and how and where to find them... so true!)
"My story begins on the 4th of July, in the summer before we started the seventh grade. Our chief intentions that night were to have a good time and to celebrate the Birthday of our country. What could have been more innocent and carefree? But as had begun to happen to us already, the night had different plans.
(this is told so well!)
"There is nothing like the lure of a haunted house to draw a group of young sleuths out on a warm summer night. So, on the evening of my story, we decided to bundle our collective courage and spend the night in the old house. We stuffed our backpacks full of everything we could think of that we might need to survive our adventure. We also packed enough fireworks to start a small war for a front lawn party. Haunted houses can't just be entered straight away, you see. You have to work your way up to them." (perfect ending! Wow I just love this story!)
well done, Rhonda. Awesome book series!
c
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much, Cat, you are awesome, and I so appreciate the comments, and support. I love the way you spend so much time detailing your reviews. It is so helpful, and I know it takes a lot of your time, so thanks again.
Of all the stories and books I've written, this really is my favorite series.
Hugs,
Rhonda
Comment from F. Wehr3
Really good set up to a ghost story. I will be looking for the next release. I found two things for your consideration.
In the beginning I could not see them like all of you, but now I can.' You have a introductory clause. I would suggest a comma after beginning.
Suffice to say that we gathered together with the intention of enjoying each other's company and of making our community a better place to live.' I would suggest a comma after say and delete the word 'that'.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Really good set up to a ghost story. I will be looking for the next release. I found two things for your consideration.
In the beginning I could not see them like all of you, but now I can.' You have a introductory clause. I would suggest a comma after beginning.
Suffice to say that we gathered together with the intention of enjoying each other's company and of making our community a better place to live.' I would suggest a comma after say and delete the word 'that'.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 24-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Russel, for taking the time to read and review so carefully. I appreciate your finding and reporting Spag! I'll release another chapter withing the next few days. Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Kassa-Leigh
This was a great chapter of the Daredevil girls. I wonder what the adventure has to offer in the next chapter? Great job and no mistakes as far as I can see.
Cheryl-Lynette
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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This was a great chapter of the Daredevil girls. I wonder what the adventure has to offer in the next chapter? Great job and no mistakes as far as I can see.
Cheryl-Lynette
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for reading and reviewing. I hope to post again, soon!
Rhonda
Comment from Pam (respa)
-The artwork really is a creepy, visual setting for the story.
-You tell the story, through Nancy, very well. The reader believes she is right there with the rest of the audience, enraptured by this tale.
-Good description of the supernatural and the background of the Fur Trader Creek Estate."
-As is very common in stories of good vs. evil, the innocent are often the victims, as is the case with Stewart.
-Ironically, even Smyth and his sons ended up being shot. I am assuming they were going about Stewart's death, but I am not 100% sure on that.
-Then, the next innocent victim is the wife and mother, Maggie.
-I don't know how much, if anything, she had to do with the shady dealings, but now she lost a husband and three sons, and the fourth in war, so she gave in to her despair.
-So now, enter the ghosts of the mansion.
-The reader is led to believe that all did not bode well for the Daredevil Girls on the 4th of July:
"We also packed enough fireworks to start a small war for a front lawn party."
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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-The artwork really is a creepy, visual setting for the story.
-You tell the story, through Nancy, very well. The reader believes she is right there with the rest of the audience, enraptured by this tale.
-Good description of the supernatural and the background of the Fur Trader Creek Estate."
-As is very common in stories of good vs. evil, the innocent are often the victims, as is the case with Stewart.
-Ironically, even Smyth and his sons ended up being shot. I am assuming they were going about Stewart's death, but I am not 100% sure on that.
-Then, the next innocent victim is the wife and mother, Maggie.
-I don't know how much, if anything, she had to do with the shady dealings, but now she lost a husband and three sons, and the fourth in war, so she gave in to her despair.
-So now, enter the ghosts of the mansion.
-The reader is led to believe that all did not bode well for the Daredevil Girls on the 4th of July:
"We also packed enough fireworks to start a small war for a front lawn party."
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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Too true, my friend! They are in for supernatural visitation, and it may not all be ghosts.
Thanks, again, for your detailed review. I always look forward to your remarks!
Rhonda
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Now, the suspense is really building!! You are very welcome for the detailed remarks and am glad you appreciate them. By the way, were the Smyths going to pay respects about Stewart, or is that up to the reader to decide?
Comment from rspoet
So, the story begins in a haunted house
These are brave or foolish young sleuths
to want to spend a night in this house,
The Fur Trader Creek Estate,
haunted by the Symth family
Anyone with a y in their name is already suspect
I suspect the real story will begin post haste
in the next chapter
Very good introduction and slow build
to what awaits, supernatural I presume
Well done
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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So, the story begins in a haunted house
These are brave or foolish young sleuths
to want to spend a night in this house,
The Fur Trader Creek Estate,
haunted by the Symth family
Anyone with a y in their name is already suspect
I suspect the real story will begin post haste
in the next chapter
Very good introduction and slow build
to what awaits, supernatural I presume
Well done
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much! I know I have front loaded this story a bit too much, and will try to change that for a rewrite later, but will have to just go for it now. In the original book, I'm only on chapter 3. It has to be broken up a bit on this site, but I do love the input everyone gives. It is truly helpful!
Rhonda
Comment from Clarekr
This was a fun read. Well written, interesting as well as entertaining. Background story of the haunted house seems very plausible for the 1800s. Good read.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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This was a fun read. Well written, interesting as well as entertaining. Background story of the haunted house seems very plausible for the 1800s. Good read.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much for your comments and review! I like old houses, too!
Rhonda
Comment from Jonesy
Clearly I just read something from a strong writer. No real debate about that. I'm not sure it's my type of story as it seems to be at or near the beginning, and wonder if it's better served to begin the story a little deeper into things instead of something that's entirely exposition.
But that's subjective. Lots of writers do that and can make it work.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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Clearly I just read something from a strong writer. No real debate about that. I'm not sure it's my type of story as it seems to be at or near the beginning, and wonder if it's better served to begin the story a little deeper into things instead of something that's entirely exposition.
But that's subjective. Lots of writers do that and can make it work.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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No, I want to make some changes. This book was once published, as well as it's sequel. I like the sequel better, and bought the rights back from the publisher for the first book so I can rewrite it. I'm definitely open to suggestions. In the sequel, I start with action, but it's from characters that are established in the first book. The thing is, everything links together for the final third of the book, and it's hard to figure a way to lead to the end without all the background.
Thanks for reading, and if you have a chance to glance through the previous chapters, you might have a suggestion that would help me figure it out. Thanks,
Rhonda
Comment from DonandVicki
I made the genius decision to take a girl scout group to a haunted house sleep over at holloween years ago. Lots of loud fun but little sleep. Well written.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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I made the genius decision to take a girl scout group to a haunted house sleep over at holloween years ago. Lots of loud fun but little sleep. Well written.
Comment Written 22-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2016
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Oh, wow. I probably should have gotten you to write this chapter! Funny thing is, one of my first book signings on this original book was at a Girls Scout outing. They bought a bunch of them!!!
Thanks for reviewing,
Rhonda
