Buttons
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Buttons"Revenge for molestation
28 total reviews
Comment from Joyce Long
You've got it! This is great and I'm ready to read the next 7000 words or more. Good luck in the Horror Story Writing Contest. The police are going to have a difficult time with all the unrelated murders. I like the movement between characters. Well done.
Joyce 03-28-16
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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You've got it! This is great and I'm ready to read the next 7000 words or more. Good luck in the Horror Story Writing Contest. The police are going to have a difficult time with all the unrelated murders. I like the movement between characters. Well done.
Joyce 03-28-16
Comment Written 28-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. I have enjoyed writing about these characters. I have much more written. Before I found this website I only shared these with my best friend. Sadly, She passed away from complications of knee surgery. You all are helping make it through these hard times when i miss her so much and would ask her advice ( She was an English Teacher) Thank you so much
Comment from Mabaker
This story should do well in the contest it is very well put together. I don't like horror stories but I read them to tell me about the author and this story showed me a writer who should go far. Good story. Regards Mabaker.
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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This story should do well in the contest it is very well put together. I don't like horror stories but I read them to tell me about the author and this story showed me a writer who should go far. Good story. Regards Mabaker.
Comment Written 23-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 23-Mar-2016
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thank you for making my day. Your words inspire me. I appreciate you reading this. I like to write but have so far to go. To know that you think it is possible is another baby step for me.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
"Asshole" should be "asshole".
Seems the perpetrator got the revenge coming his way.
Molesters deserve the cruelest fate.
Should be a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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"Asshole" should be "asshole".
Seems the perpetrator got the revenge coming his way.
Molesters deserve the cruelest fate.
Should be a good contest entry.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Thank you, I went back and changed the A to a. I appreciate your getting back to me. Earlier I had to spend so much time editing I sure know how to make typos.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think it would be a good idea for you to rethink the formatting a little bit and write in traditional paragraphs rather than talking a separate line for each sentence or two. It makes the work look way longer than it actually is. this will put people off reading it thoroughly no matter how much fake money you offer.
It is also quite long for an opening chapter. You should put art one at the start of the piece as well as there is no indication of this until the author's notes at the very end. I thought I was reading a self-contained work and felt a bit annoyed when I got the end to find out this wasn't the case.
The change from first person narrative to third person was a little jarring between the first and second section. Especially as it wasn't clear from the first line of the second section.
When your born with a name - you're
most seven year old boys truly knew what they were saying. - didn't truly know, or change most to few. what you have written means they did know.
High school - School.
" Can I help you get rid of that " Virgin Image?" - there is a spare speech mark in the middle. If it is intentional then there needs to be double marks at the end.
This voice rang with innocence - this is repetitive as you describe it exactly this way in the previous paragraph. You could delete it from there.
If she insisted on going her own way against his wishes then so be it. But not on my dime" - you close the speech marks off here but they didn't open anywhere previously. Also there needs to be end punctuation.
Mom, would plead with her, - first comma is unnecessary.
Besides,what kind of man is going to want a Detective for a Wife - space needed what. wife doesn't need to be capitalised and it should end with a question mark.
And she sang - needs closing punctuation here.
And sure enough, her mother's prediction came true - closing punctuation needed.
she found a man who claimed to love her - and again here.
Joe stood starring in the mirror - staring at.
You should go through again and try to eliminate as many instances of the use of 'was' 'were' 'had' and 'that' as possible. They are passive and slow down the narrative.
As he starred in the mirror stared.
I was at one of my favorite restaurants. - again there is shift here from third person narrative to first person without any warning or signifies. It is very jarring.
She was more interested in the Jock Table next to me. . - delete one of the full stops.
"What do you boys need from me today," - should end in a question mark.
"Hold on sir, I;ll be right there," - I'll, and it needs to end in a full stop rather than a comma.
get the Jocks attention - need an apostrophe in there.
These examples I've given above continue in one way or another throughout the rest of the piece. You should go through again and keep an eye out for them.
All the best
GMG
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Hi there,
I think it would be a good idea for you to rethink the formatting a little bit and write in traditional paragraphs rather than talking a separate line for each sentence or two. It makes the work look way longer than it actually is. this will put people off reading it thoroughly no matter how much fake money you offer.
It is also quite long for an opening chapter. You should put art one at the start of the piece as well as there is no indication of this until the author's notes at the very end. I thought I was reading a self-contained work and felt a bit annoyed when I got the end to find out this wasn't the case.
The change from first person narrative to third person was a little jarring between the first and second section. Especially as it wasn't clear from the first line of the second section.
When your born with a name - you're
most seven year old boys truly knew what they were saying. - didn't truly know, or change most to few. what you have written means they did know.
High school - School.
" Can I help you get rid of that " Virgin Image?" - there is a spare speech mark in the middle. If it is intentional then there needs to be double marks at the end.
This voice rang with innocence - this is repetitive as you describe it exactly this way in the previous paragraph. You could delete it from there.
If she insisted on going her own way against his wishes then so be it. But not on my dime" - you close the speech marks off here but they didn't open anywhere previously. Also there needs to be end punctuation.
Mom, would plead with her, - first comma is unnecessary.
Besides,what kind of man is going to want a Detective for a Wife - space needed what. wife doesn't need to be capitalised and it should end with a question mark.
And she sang - needs closing punctuation here.
And sure enough, her mother's prediction came true - closing punctuation needed.
she found a man who claimed to love her - and again here.
Joe stood starring in the mirror - staring at.
You should go through again and try to eliminate as many instances of the use of 'was' 'were' 'had' and 'that' as possible. They are passive and slow down the narrative.
As he starred in the mirror stared.
I was at one of my favorite restaurants. - again there is shift here from third person narrative to first person without any warning or signifies. It is very jarring.
She was more interested in the Jock Table next to me. . - delete one of the full stops.
"What do you boys need from me today," - should end in a question mark.
"Hold on sir, I;ll be right there," - I'll, and it needs to end in a full stop rather than a comma.
get the Jocks attention - need an apostrophe in there.
These examples I've given above continue in one way or another throughout the rest of the piece. You should go through again and keep an eye out for them.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Wonderful editing, I am obviously not an English teacher. Thank you for taking so much time on this. I truly appreciate it and take to heart all you have said.
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I made so many of the changes you suggested and it does seem to be better. You have made me a better writer, Thank you.
Comment from RhemaSayers
Okay - this is great. You grabbed me right at the start and kept mesmerized. I love these characters, the plot, the dialogue. It gets a little confusing when you switch narrators, but not for long. But I certainly hope this isn't all of this story because it hasn't come to an end yet. I really want to know what happens. Great work. Do go back and proofread though. There are some minor grammatical and spelling errors.
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Okay - this is great. You grabbed me right at the start and kept mesmerized. I love these characters, the plot, the dialogue. It gets a little confusing when you switch narrators, but not for long. But I certainly hope this isn't all of this story because it hasn't come to an end yet. I really want to know what happens. Great work. Do go back and proofread though. There are some minor grammatical and spelling errors.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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thank you so much. I just spent an hour editing it and I was appalled at how many typos there were. I also tried to clear up a couple of places and added some more. I hope you will read the new part. I truly want to keep writing this. I have many more characters and ideas. You made my day. Please let me know anything that is wrong or unclear, I truly need the help. Sometimes I write too fast and typos flourish. lol.
Comment from winnona
Well written. Lots of good detail and descriptions that make the reader use their imagination and bring the story to life. I think you completed the challenge of the contest well. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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Well written. Lots of good detail and descriptions that make the reader use their imagination and bring the story to life. I think you completed the challenge of the contest well. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 20-Mar-2016
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thanky you, Since you read it I went back and made a bunch of changes. I have a lot to learn about editing. Thank you for taking the time to read it
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a very interesting story, but you need to edit as you have several typos. In one sentence you say (the) was more interested. It should be (she). You used the word (conquest) it should be (conquests) You left out (a) before beautiful young thing. You started one sentence (He's) ego- should be (his). I found an (i)-should be capital (I). He was a (harden) cop- should be (hardened). You said -he had (know) idea-should be (no). what had (happen)-should be (happened). I spotted several other typos too, but I'm sure you can find them if you read it over. It is an excellent story but would do better in the contest if the typos are corrected. Goood luck
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Excellent. This is a very interesting story, but you need to edit as you have several typos. In one sentence you say (the) was more interested. It should be (she). You used the word (conquest) it should be (conquests) You left out (a) before beautiful young thing. You started one sentence (He's) ego- should be (his). I found an (i)-should be capital (I). He was a (harden) cop- should be (hardened). You said -he had (know) idea-should be (no). what had (happen)-should be (happened). I spotted several other typos too, but I'm sure you can find them if you read it over. It is an excellent story but would do better in the contest if the typos are corrected. Goood luck
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. I agree, I need to correct so much. I know better but when I write I hear words and forget to wait a few days and actually read what is written. I still have a long way to go on this story. I have many more characters and ideas. Thank you for taking the time to help me.
Comment from Phoenix Rysing
Wow...wow...Very well written. I loved the way it flowed. This was a very dark piece, but not in a sadistic way...just very artistic and powerful. Very well done. No suggestions, just applause!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Wow...wow...Very well written. I loved the way it flowed. This was a very dark piece, but not in a sadistic way...just very artistic and powerful. Very well done. No suggestions, just applause!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 18-Mar-2016
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Thank you so much. I have many more characters to enter the story. This is new to me and I truly need to learn to edit my work. I have many, many typos. Thank you for taking the time to help .
