A Serpent Watching-Part 3
Short Story15 total reviews
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
And now we get to some more meat on the bone (as it were!). A murder, no 'eye'-witnesses. All these tensions, something's gotta blow.
Darby's eyes protruded more like dinner plates than saucers. - nice subversion of the old cliché.
Christ, what now. What's this. - I think there should be a couple of question marks in here.
inserted it between her legs and inserted it deep, much further - maybe to avoid the use of 'inserted it' the second could be replaced with something like 'far deeper'?
Very advantageous for old Darby, pleasuring in public, in full view but behind closed doors.
"They had no relationship ... as I've tried to impart to you-- " - this actually ends with an opening speech mark in your test caused by the em-dash. The easiest rectification is to delete the dashes, put in the closing speech mark then reinsert the dashes, I think.
Another good instalment.
G
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Hi Mikey,
And now we get to some more meat on the bone (as it were!). A murder, no 'eye'-witnesses. All these tensions, something's gotta blow.
Darby's eyes protruded more like dinner plates than saucers. - nice subversion of the old cliché.
Christ, what now. What's this. - I think there should be a couple of question marks in here.
inserted it between her legs and inserted it deep, much further - maybe to avoid the use of 'inserted it' the second could be replaced with something like 'far deeper'?
Very advantageous for old Darby, pleasuring in public, in full view but behind closed doors.
"They had no relationship ... as I've tried to impart to you-- " - this actually ends with an opening speech mark in your test caused by the em-dash. The easiest rectification is to delete the dashes, put in the closing speech mark then reinsert the dashes, I think.
Another good instalment.
G
Comment Written 19-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 19-Mar-2016
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Yeah, "far deeper" is better.
I'll fix those em dash things. Sorry, there's more coming. :))
Glad you're liking this. I'll make some edits when you're done, all at once. It's 4am. Maybe I'll sleep at some point. HAHAHA. mikey
Comment from Sankey
Wow! I obviously missed earlier chapters f this. Getting worser and worser I reckon. You naughty boy. have you sunk so low? Ok I came in for a look in spite of the warnings. Guess I might hang around a while. No spags shock horror!
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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Wow! I obviously missed earlier chapters f this. Getting worser and worser I reckon. You naughty boy. have you sunk so low? Ok I came in for a look in spite of the warnings. Guess I might hang around a while. No spags shock horror!
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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Yep, some craziness a foot. Not sure how this story went off in this crazy direction, but we'll see. Good to see you. How the book coming. I went to review your last posting, but I already had. mikey
Comment from barkingdog
You need to identify your speakers in the opening scene, so that when the girls refer to them we know which boy is which.
And is there a reason we aren't told who the victims are?
Otherwise, the plot is clear.
:) e
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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You need to identify your speakers in the opening scene, so that when the girls refer to them we know which boy is which.
And is there a reason we aren't told who the victims are?
Otherwise, the plot is clear.
:) e
Comment Written 16-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2016
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No reason. I should have IDd them, true. I am in the next chapter after the fact. I may have to go back and add it in. Maybe not. I thought it sounded too unnatural at the time is all. The victims are named pretty soon. I hadn't quite decided yet to be honest. I had a couple options. :)) Thanks so much. mikey
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The victims are incidental except for motive. Was it jealousy? Was one of the victims bi-sexual and when the boys came to the school, her partner killed them both during a threesome. LOL That would be quite a back story for the detectives to uncover.
Over and out.
Read you again soon.
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Another thought.
You don't have to use speech tags. It's better to give the scene movement and have the characters do something.
This way you add to the visual component of the scene.
"Damn you, Peter. Your always saying that." John threw his book.
John ducked, "Fuck you," and shot the annoyance between the eyes.
Wasn't that fun? lol
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Yes! I'm trying to do more of that. I have to REMEMBER to do that. I'm a lot better at leaving them out now. But I tend to have a lot of talk with no action. Good point. I need to add some more yellow post-its. They're getting better. They used to say, "Stop using was" mikey
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I haven't notice passive tense. You may have that conquered. I still slip into it occasionally.
MS Word will alert you to it if you slip.
Speech tags are the worst and occasionaly 'said' is okay when you have a large group speaking and you don't want to keep describing movement which can sometime interrupt flow. Two people can talk forever without any tags.
Comment from krprice
"Your death. . . "Besides, 'your' should be 'you're'.
"Adrianna. . . 'What' should be 'Why'.
An excellent chapter. The sex doesn't bother me as long as it isn't too kinky, gory, or excessive.
Karlene
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2016
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"Your death. . . "Besides, 'your' should be 'you're'.
"Adrianna. . . 'What' should be 'Why'.
An excellent chapter. The sex doesn't bother me as long as it isn't too kinky, gory, or excessive.
Karlene
Comment Written 15-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2016
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It took me an hour to find, "Your". HA! I knew it was there though or you wouldn't have mentioned it. Goodness, twenty reads before I found it. So strange. Hopefully it will head towards more of a murder mystery now, though Hannah is a little freaky, so she'll no doubt be up to something. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Mike,
The Briarwood University for the Blind should be called-t Briarwood University for the Horny.
Everyone seems to be obsessed with sex. How to get it, where to get it, how often.
darby is a perv, Adriana is having sex with Loyd so can have sex with the roommate, Hannah is a total masochist freak. In my catholic school, a lot of the teachers were a bunch of Flagellant religious fanatics. One teacher told us in detail what they did to their bodies. She wore a belt with inward pointed nails and tight and tightened throughout the day. These were the lovely creatures in charge of my education.
I think Hannah and Derby should get married. She is such a masochist kinky in a religion soft of manner. I had teacher like that Hannah is quite a pervert too.sheriff
I am not the right person to give you feedback on the book. I do like it.. Well done my Irish friend. LOL *gypsy hugs.
Gypsy
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2016
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Hello, Mike,
The Briarwood University for the Blind should be called-t Briarwood University for the Horny.
Everyone seems to be obsessed with sex. How to get it, where to get it, how often.
darby is a perv, Adriana is having sex with Loyd so can have sex with the roommate, Hannah is a total masochist freak. In my catholic school, a lot of the teachers were a bunch of Flagellant religious fanatics. One teacher told us in detail what they did to their bodies. She wore a belt with inward pointed nails and tight and tightened throughout the day. These were the lovely creatures in charge of my education.
I think Hannah and Derby should get married. She is such a masochist kinky in a religion soft of manner. I had teacher like that Hannah is quite a pervert too.sheriff
I am not the right person to give you feedback on the book. I do like it.. Well done my Irish friend. LOL *gypsy hugs.
Gypsy
Comment Written 15-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 16-Mar-2016
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I think the book is going to head towards more of a murder mystery thing now. But, they're pretty horny, so I imagine there will be some dalliances along the way, I don't think nearly as much though. mikey ((Irish Hugs with things I best not mention :)) LOL
Comment from Dawn Munro
First, let' get the edits out of the way - there are three:
1) "...dark, thick bush. Oh, my(!)" You have a comma, which needs to be replaced with either a period or an exclamation mark. In this case I think the latter works best.
2) "...should he be; do you..." - this is a question - needs a question mark
3) "...nature of their relationship(--)ongoing?"
Excellent, Mike. Sizzling stuff, and the scene changes are accomplished brilliantly. The dialogue I realistic too, and you're building suspense wonderfully as well. You know I have no sixes left, right? :((
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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First, let' get the edits out of the way - there are three:
1) "...dark, thick bush. Oh, my(!)" You have a comma, which needs to be replaced with either a period or an exclamation mark. In this case I think the latter works best.
2) "...should he be; do you..." - this is a question - needs a question mark
3) "...nature of their relationship(--)ongoing?"
Excellent, Mike. Sizzling stuff, and the scene changes are accomplished brilliantly. The dialogue I realistic too, and you're building suspense wonderfully as well. You know I have no sixes left, right? :((
Comment Written 15-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Good catches. I fixed all of them. I've been trying to edit at a higher level than I have been in the past, going over it and changing it word by word etc. I'm much happier with this than I've been with me previous work. :))
Wow. I don't need a six when I have all of this praise to motivate me. I'm so delighted. I can't thank you enough. mikey
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My pleasure. :)
Comment from Gloria ....
Uh oh, behind the veil is good. So my sense is this is a crime novel or novelette?
The opening is hilarious with the duck pond and quacking for joy.
Besides, your (you're) blind, how do you have a clue what a black bush even resembles.
Ha, what a little manipulator that Adriana is, hoping for the roommate even if she has to give a blow job to get it.
though clearly pulling (pulsating, managing) the handle in and out of herself. Either that or that parallelism of pushing and pulling is needed. This lady is crazy wild. Guess that's why she's the headmistress.
no expression, not even appearing to breath (breathe) or blink.
he's the only possible witness who in fact (can)see anything -- another word is needed in there.
Excellent dialogue, and what an intro, but necessary to expose the moral corruption of the institution and its leaders.
Great job with this story. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Uh oh, behind the veil is good. So my sense is this is a crime novel or novelette?
The opening is hilarious with the duck pond and quacking for joy.
Besides, your (you're) blind, how do you have a clue what a black bush even resembles.
Ha, what a little manipulator that Adriana is, hoping for the roommate even if she has to give a blow job to get it.
though clearly pulling (pulsating, managing) the handle in and out of herself. Either that or that parallelism of pushing and pulling is needed. This lady is crazy wild. Guess that's why she's the headmistress.
no expression, not even appearing to breath (breathe) or blink.
he's the only possible witness who in fact (can)see anything -- another word is needed in there.
Excellent dialogue, and what an intro, but necessary to expose the moral corruption of the institution and its leaders.
Great job with this story. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 15-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2016
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Crime, yes. Novel, I hope not. Hopefully, a short story maybe seven or eight thousand words tops, if I can shut up, which is debatable. I fixed those nits, thank you. Jeesh. I've been editing too. Good catch on that on that word, I went with plunging, a big improvement.
Thanks for the help. I actually feel somewhat in control of where I'm going with this. A first for me. mikey
Comment from Ric Myworld
A stiff member definitely has no conscience, and any chance of jamming it to a sweet little buttercup isn't likely to be turned down. As a matter of fact, it damn sure wouldn't. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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A stiff member definitely has no conscience, and any chance of jamming it to a sweet little buttercup isn't likely to be turned down. As a matter of fact, it damn sure wouldn't. Thanks for another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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It sounds logical to me and I would say a biological imperative fueled by intellectual justifications unnecessary to refute for the sake of propriety. As long as everyone is smiling the whole world smiles with you. mikey
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
OH wow what a turn.
Very nicely done.
I love the story line and I was taken back with a murder already.
written very well please keep going
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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OH wow what a turn.
Very nicely done.
I love the story line and I was taken back with a murder already.
written very well please keep going
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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YAY! I'm tickled that you're enjoying this. I'm having a great time writing it. Thanks bunches, mikey
Comment from nordicgirl
This is a huge step forward for you. I feel like I am reading professional work here for the first time from you. I always enjoy your talent, bur this seems polished and tight. You are starting to get there, where ever there is. YES!!!!!! NG
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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This is a huge step forward for you. I feel like I am reading professional work here for the first time from you. I always enjoy your talent, bur this seems polished and tight. You are starting to get there, where ever there is. YES!!!!!! NG
Comment Written 14-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 14-Mar-2016
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Really? That's awesome to hear and I know you're not just blowing smoke. I feel more like a writer than I ever have. Actually I've never felt like one until now. Maybe there is a writer in me. Thanks so much for your support. I won't even make a joke. michael
