Castaway
An ekphrastic Minute poem- contest entry16 total reviews
Comment from honeytree
Very interesting art work
for the words written here
Our emotions can be hurt
Our tears fall like drops
into the ocean.
When we know someone is not coming
back is sad.
Honeytree
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Very interesting art work
for the words written here
Our emotions can be hurt
Our tears fall like drops
into the ocean.
When we know someone is not coming
back is sad.
Honeytree
Comment Written 08-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 08-Mar-2016
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Thank you for the exceptional review, Annie. I appreciate you always taking the time to read and comment.
Kim
Comment from Pearl Edwards
I love this artwork Kim and your Minute poem goes perfectly with it. I do like to write from a specific pic, but didn't know it had such a special word attached to it.
Great opening lines -
Storm of emotion, an ocean
set in motion
cheers, valda.
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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I love this artwork Kim and your Minute poem goes perfectly with it. I do like to write from a specific pic, but didn't know it had such a special word attached to it.
Great opening lines -
Storm of emotion, an ocean
set in motion
cheers, valda.
Comment Written 06-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 07-Mar-2016
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Hi Valda,
I'm thrilled with the delightful six star review. Thank you so much for noting the lines you enjoyed the most. I appreciate you always reading and reviewing!
Kim
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Oh, I really like this one, Kim. I sure can relate to everything you've expressed in this poem. I was married for 37 years to someone I thought I knew ... turns out I didn't! Enough said!
You have perfectly captured the raw feelings that one goes through when a cheating spouse "you went astray" lets the bomb drop. One is flooded by tears "When dam would break" and left speechless "no words to speak", and one just doesn't know what to say or to do with themselves "or solace seek".
I'm glad to hear that no hearts were broken in the writing of this piece. :)
Terrific artwork and title. "Castaway" ... so very appropriate, as one feels as if they have been cast aside and kicked to the curb.
A perfect Minute poem ... I think you have a winner here! Good luck in the contest, Kim!
Connie
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Oh, I really like this one, Kim. I sure can relate to everything you've expressed in this poem. I was married for 37 years to someone I thought I knew ... turns out I didn't! Enough said!
You have perfectly captured the raw feelings that one goes through when a cheating spouse "you went astray" lets the bomb drop. One is flooded by tears "When dam would break" and left speechless "no words to speak", and one just doesn't know what to say or to do with themselves "or solace seek".
I'm glad to hear that no hearts were broken in the writing of this piece. :)
Terrific artwork and title. "Castaway" ... so very appropriate, as one feels as if they have been cast aside and kicked to the curb.
A perfect Minute poem ... I think you have a winner here! Good luck in the contest, Kim!
Connie
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Connie!
Thank you for this most exceptional review! I am sad to hear you found out something like that after such a long marriage. I hope life is all good now! :) I appreciate you noting the passages in this piece which you relate to. I haven't written a minute poem in years, and I just let that picture take my poem where the words would go.
Thank you so much for all the kind comments.
Kim
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You are most welcome, Kim. Isn't it just great when a picture takes your poem where the words want to go?!
Thanks Kim, my life is all good now ... one door closed, but another one opened. :)
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That is fantastic, Connie!
Comment from CD Richards
Perfect rhyme and meter, syllable count spot on. The image fits the story beautifully as well. A very strong entry. The only thing I'm not certain of is why you chose to capitalise some letters, like the A in the last line of the first stanza, the W in the 2nd line of 2nd stanza and the S at the beginning of the 2nd bottom line. That's neither here nor there, it just doesn't seem clear to me.
Best of luck in the contest,
Craig.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Perfect rhyme and meter, syllable count spot on. The image fits the story beautifully as well. A very strong entry. The only thing I'm not certain of is why you chose to capitalise some letters, like the A in the last line of the first stanza, the W in the 2nd line of 2nd stanza and the S at the beginning of the 2nd bottom line. That's neither here nor there, it just doesn't seem clear to me.
Best of luck in the contest,
Craig.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Craig,
I started with it being highly punctuated and after a couple of reviews decided to remove most of the punctuation and let it flow free. The capitalizations were my compromise to a having no structure. lol (It was one of the things also suggested.) Thanks for a great review!
Kim
Comment from DragonSkulls
Hey, Kim, hello. This is a fantastic entry for the minute contest. I think the iambic meter is off a touch in the first line but it's no biggie. Or maybe it's just me. I just got home from work and I'm tired. Lol. Excellent picture you chose to go with it, K. I wish you the best of luck with this great piece. Have a great night.
;)
Ron
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hey, Kim, hello. This is a fantastic entry for the minute contest. I think the iambic meter is off a touch in the first line but it's no biggie. Or maybe it's just me. I just got home from work and I'm tired. Lol. Excellent picture you chose to go with it, K. I wish you the best of luck with this great piece. Have a great night.
;)
Ron
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Ron,
The contest didn't require that the entries be traditional (with iambic meter) and even specified that it wasn't necessary, so I took creative license to heart and just let the poem flow where it would from the picture. Thanks for dropping by and taking the time to review. It is always a pleasure to hear from you. :)
Kim
Comment from LIJ Red
looks like you followed the requirements of the prompt and created
a genuine Minute Poem, right down to the sixty syllables. Excellent.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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looks like you followed the requirements of the prompt and created
a genuine Minute Poem, right down to the sixty syllables. Excellent.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi LIJ!
Thanks for taking the time to read and review. I appreciate you stopping by to leave your kind comments.
Kim
Comment from frogbook
This was a very compelling read with it's captivating phrasing and the compelling artwork. I especially enjoyed the 1st stanza as it drew me into the well written poem.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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This was a very compelling read with it's captivating phrasing and the compelling artwork. I especially enjoyed the 1st stanza as it drew me into the well written poem.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi frogbook!
I appreciate you stopping by to take the time to read and review. Thank you for the kind comments.
Kim
Comment from William Ross
very good a great job on this good rhyming and rhythm a wonderful read has good meaning. good luck on this and have a wonderful day.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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very good a great job on this good rhyming and rhythm a wonderful read has good meaning. good luck on this and have a wonderful day.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thank you for taking the time to read and comment, William. I appreciate the wonderful review. :)
Kim
Comment from Pantygynt
It is the internal rhyme in those eight syllable lines that raises this above the level of the usual minute poem. That one piece of extra rhyme - and you you further strenthen it with feminine rhyme in the first stanza - is like well applied make up on a beautiful woman. Puts it in a different class altogether.
I also appreciate the "cruelty" disclaimer in your notes. I do so like to smile in these dark days of winter.
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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It is the internal rhyme in those eight syllable lines that raises this above the level of the usual minute poem. That one piece of extra rhyme - and you you further strenthen it with feminine rhyme in the first stanza - is like well applied make up on a beautiful woman. Puts it in a different class altogether.
I also appreciate the "cruelty" disclaimer in your notes. I do so like to smile in these dark days of winter.
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Hi Pantygynt,
I can already tell that this will be my best review of the day :) Thank you for returning the smile, and for the beauty in the comments of your review. I appreciate you stopping by.
Kim
Comment from rama devi
I love Ekphrastic poetry too! This one is super, dear Kim. This is powerful and emotionally intense. Excellent rhyme and internal rhyme and slant rhyme. Good flow in spite of avoiding formal meter (which is not easy to achieve in this form--bravo!)
One spag is that NOR is not grammatically apt after NO (only after neither). So i recommend using OR instead.
The only other critique I have is that all those commas clutter the work, IMHO. Some of them are grammatically unnecessary but I think this would read smoothly without any end line punctuation. Please see how it looks cleaner visually and is still as easy to read--or even easier, I think:
Storm of emotion, an ocean
Set in motion
Pent up for years
A flood of tears
Composure's fake - weak gate at stake
When dam would break
No words to speak
Nor solace seek
'Twas clear to see, when you left me
It had to be
Stone cast the day
You went astray
Another option, if you like, is to use caps to show new sentences and not cap each line. This is a style I often choose when opting for no punctuation. Example (how I would edit--but it's my interpretation and might not align with your intent):
Storm of emotion, an ocean
set in motion
pent up for years
A flood of tears
Composure's fake - weak gate at stake
When dam would break
no words to speak
or solace seek
'Twas clear to see, when you left me
it had to be
Stone cast the day
you went astray
A strong entry for the contest...good luck!
Read aloud, without punctuation, I love the fluid flow! Also, the alliteration plus consonance of S and consonance of C-K is well achieved.
Love, rd
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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I love Ekphrastic poetry too! This one is super, dear Kim. This is powerful and emotionally intense. Excellent rhyme and internal rhyme and slant rhyme. Good flow in spite of avoiding formal meter (which is not easy to achieve in this form--bravo!)
One spag is that NOR is not grammatically apt after NO (only after neither). So i recommend using OR instead.
The only other critique I have is that all those commas clutter the work, IMHO. Some of them are grammatically unnecessary but I think this would read smoothly without any end line punctuation. Please see how it looks cleaner visually and is still as easy to read--or even easier, I think:
Storm of emotion, an ocean
Set in motion
Pent up for years
A flood of tears
Composure's fake - weak gate at stake
When dam would break
No words to speak
Nor solace seek
'Twas clear to see, when you left me
It had to be
Stone cast the day
You went astray
Another option, if you like, is to use caps to show new sentences and not cap each line. This is a style I often choose when opting for no punctuation. Example (how I would edit--but it's my interpretation and might not align with your intent):
Storm of emotion, an ocean
set in motion
pent up for years
A flood of tears
Composure's fake - weak gate at stake
When dam would break
no words to speak
or solace seek
'Twas clear to see, when you left me
it had to be
Stone cast the day
you went astray
A strong entry for the contest...good luck!
Read aloud, without punctuation, I love the fluid flow! Also, the alliteration plus consonance of S and consonance of C-K is well achieved.
Love, rd
Comment Written 03-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 03-Mar-2016
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Thanks, rd! I believe you are correct, it does look so much cleaner without the commas... I'm heading to make the changes now. Thank you for always being so helpful in your reviews.
*Hugs*
Kim
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Thanks for your gracious response to my review, dear Kim. Happy to help. Glad you liked the idea!
Hugs and Love, rd
