Short Stories and Flash
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "in a Tin Can-Part 1"Misc Fiction
13 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Nan and Blake had more will power than I would have had. But now that one of them is free, I guess half a sin is okay under the circumstances. LOL! Good story so far. :)
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Nan and Blake had more will power than I would have had. But now that one of them is free, I guess half a sin is okay under the circumstances. LOL! Good story so far. :)
Comment Written 06-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Yeah, goody two shoes. I wouldn't have made it out of Earth's atmosphere. HAHAHA!!!! Yay. I'm pleased and thrilled you like it. I've got to get them in bed and then return to some kind of story. Hmmm. I haven't written stories in a long time. I've been busy blathering about stuff. This is fun. mikey
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
I thought you handled this piece very well without overly sensationalising any aspect of it. Everything comes across very 'used' and matter-of-factly. The tone is good and consistent throughout. A different way of looking at it.
the Forbes Fortune 500 number two richest man in the world. - no a big thing here but second richest I think sounds better.
It was Lavenders one hundred and twenty-second year at the top - possibly Lavenders needs an apostrophe here?
the monitors alarm - monitor's, I think.
Good stuff
G
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Hi Mikey,
I thought you handled this piece very well without overly sensationalising any aspect of it. Everything comes across very 'used' and matter-of-factly. The tone is good and consistent throughout. A different way of looking at it.
the Forbes Fortune 500 number two richest man in the world. - no a big thing here but second richest I think sounds better.
It was Lavenders one hundred and twenty-second year at the top - possibly Lavenders needs an apostrophe here?
the monitors alarm - monitor's, I think.
Good stuff
G
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Good calls on all your suggestions, thanks a bunch for the good eye. I'm pleased you liked this. I'm thinking about how to proceed. I don't want to focus on space sex. Ha! Cool you like the tone, that's what I was wondering. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from seaglass
Well, this is a brand new setting for a love story...I have never been able to get my mind around potty time methods in space and sexual intercourse without gravity never entered my mind. It will be interesting to learn how it will be accomplished
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Well, this is a brand new setting for a love story...I have never been able to get my mind around potty time methods in space and sexual intercourse without gravity never entered my mind. It will be interesting to learn how it will be accomplished
Comment Written 05-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 06-Mar-2016
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Now, you've put that in my mind. HAHAHA. I hadn't thought about "without gravity". I picked space mainly for the time factor and the distance but now I have the gravity factor so I'm REALLY going to have to think about part two, because they're just about to experience it. :)) These are the moments where I think I should be plotting things out before hand. mikey
Comment from country ranch writer
EVEN CLOSE FRIENDS LEAN ON EACH OTHER AND SOME END UP LOVERS AFTER SOMETHING HAPPENS. IT IS THE NEED TO BE NEEDED THEIR WHOLE WORLD WAS TORN APART
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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EVEN CLOSE FRIENDS LEAN ON EACH OTHER AND SOME END UP LOVERS AFTER SOMETHING HAPPENS. IT IS THE NEED TO BE NEEDED THEIR WHOLE WORLD WAS TORN APART
Comment Written 02-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2016
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Yes. You have it exactly, it isn't something terrible, just needs and one of those things. Great insight. Thanks, mikey
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S M I L E S
Comment from DonandVicki
You certainly do know how to spice up a good space odyssey don't you Mike. Always so fun to read and I get new erotic ideas from you work.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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You certainly do know how to spice up a good space odyssey don't you Mike. Always so fun to read and I get new erotic ideas from you work.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Wow, really? Cool, that's great to hear that the little erotic blurbs worked okay. I'm a total novice at it. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from Realist101
Okay, Mikey! Give an old woman a heart attack! No, not really. I'm too dead inside for that. You should have entered that contest for a new word? Googlepidiad? Lol! good one. :) In the para starting with 'She would imagine', I would combine some of these sentences to eliminate so many 'He'd', 'She'd? And add an (l) to filed to make it filled? Nice work all in all. I just think since this is a real story rather than a flash, just combine some of your fragmented sentences. I'm guilty of this too. Funny, I see it in others, and blind to my own! ;/ Suse
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Okay, Mikey! Give an old woman a heart attack! No, not really. I'm too dead inside for that. You should have entered that contest for a new word? Googlepidiad? Lol! good one. :) In the para starting with 'She would imagine', I would combine some of these sentences to eliminate so many 'He'd', 'She'd? And add an (l) to filed to make it filled? Nice work all in all. I just think since this is a real story rather than a flash, just combine some of your fragmented sentences. I'm guilty of this too. Funny, I see it in others, and blind to my own! ;/ Suse
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Okay, I see what you mean. I'll go in and do just that. I know what you mean, I see clearly when someone else does what I do. It doesn't stop me from doing it for some reason though. Ha! I'm glad you liked this. I realized I hadn't written a story in a long, long time. So ... Thanks so much. I'm glad it didn't come across as silly. This is a little outside of the norm for me. :)) mikey
Comment from Scarbrems
OK, so just about the only way to get me to read romance is to set it in space, lol. It's not a favourite genre for me, but the novelty of the setting, and the naturalness of the blossoming relationship draws me in. So well done on that.
Interesting to see you in straight prose mode, with less 'poetickiness' than usual. You do it well. Good hook, nice pace.
My main issue is a technical one, and there's more than one opinion on this, so don't take my word as gospel. You rely rather heavily on 'was'. This gives your writing a 'passive voice', and it is interesting that, in your more poetical prose, you don't exhibit this tendency.
You could do with a few more commas. I've inserted them for you below:
'How could it be considering the circumstances(,) and the obvious pain involved'
'They were friends and were before they'd even left the solid ground of earth' - in this sentence, I'd remove 'and were'. It isn't necessary.
'He'd stop(,) and instead of a finger rhythmically stimulating her pulsating spot(,) it would be his tongue'
Hope these suggestions help.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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OK, so just about the only way to get me to read romance is to set it in space, lol. It's not a favourite genre for me, but the novelty of the setting, and the naturalness of the blossoming relationship draws me in. So well done on that.
Interesting to see you in straight prose mode, with less 'poetickiness' than usual. You do it well. Good hook, nice pace.
My main issue is a technical one, and there's more than one opinion on this, so don't take my word as gospel. You rely rather heavily on 'was'. This gives your writing a 'passive voice', and it is interesting that, in your more poetical prose, you don't exhibit this tendency.
You could do with a few more commas. I've inserted them for you below:
'How could it be considering the circumstances(,) and the obvious pain involved'
'They were friends and were before they'd even left the solid ground of earth' - in this sentence, I'd remove 'and were'. It isn't necessary.
'He'd stop(,) and instead of a finger rhythmically stimulating her pulsating spot(,) it would be his tongue'
Hope these suggestions help.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Oh no, have I lapsed back into the world of "was". Rats. Thanks so much for pointing it out. I have soooo many bad habits, I concentrate on one and another one sneaks out. Geesh. I'll go over it. I have the most trouble with was. It's funny because the solutions when I see them are so obvious. I'm laughing out loud at the sentence with "and were" in it. Goodness, I bet I never would've have noticed. Ha! But I read it and it's soooo right I can't believe I never saw it. I'm so pleased with the compliments too. Wow, that's very encouraging. I am a novice so it gives me incentive to forge ahead. Thanks a million. mikey
Comment from foxangie123
Listen if I can't have xes I don't wanna read about it and make me want it more:) lol. You have an amazing pen my brother. I think we came from the same era. You rock the writing world. This book is gonna be awesome because you are writing it...
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Listen if I can't have xes I don't wanna read about it and make me want it more:) lol. You have an amazing pen my brother. I think we came from the same era. You rock the writing world. This book is gonna be awesome because you are writing it...
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Aww, you're always way too sweet. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from robina1978
I thoroughly enjoyed the setting for this first part of your love story. Even though coming closer was bound to happen, both of them stuck to their marry vows. But then his wife dies, you can nearly guess what will happen next. Look forward to the next chapter. No mistakes found.
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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I thoroughly enjoyed the setting for this first part of your love story. Even though coming closer was bound to happen, both of them stuck to their marry vows. But then his wife dies, you can nearly guess what will happen next. Look forward to the next chapter. No mistakes found.
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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I think you are probably right as to future events, but I am thinking about it still. Maybe she'll come to her senses after one night. We'll see. Thanks a bunch, Ine. mikey
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well . . . Mikey, you write a whole lot of things that are meant to get the reader to thinking. They all are well written, and achieve their goals, at least for me, for whom only I can answer. I can't imagine a man or a women under such circumstances leaving their families for celibacy in space, or why two more compatible people wouldn't have been chosen as flight mates. But I must admit, you have my attention. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Well . . . Mikey, you write a whole lot of things that are meant to get the reader to thinking. They all are well written, and achieve their goals, at least for me, for whom only I can answer. I can't imagine a man or a women under such circumstances leaving their families for celibacy in space, or why two more compatible people wouldn't have been chosen as flight mates. But I must admit, you have my attention. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 01-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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A good question about compatibility. I would expect that scientists wouldn't consider such a thing. I think I would go into a project like that confident in myself. Foolishly perhaps. But, I wouldn't ever leave a true love for any reason. Great insights. Thanks, mikey
