The Breath of Sin
Short Story17 total reviews
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi, Mikey.
You have the great beginnings of a story, one that can be expanded into numerous directions. Your opening line is a great hook and sets up the premise of the story. I like the contrast between "them and us." I look forward to seeing where you go with this story. Very creative.
Bye
Rosalyne:)
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Hi, Mikey.
You have the great beginnings of a story, one that can be expanded into numerous directions. Your opening line is a great hook and sets up the premise of the story. I like the contrast between "them and us." I look forward to seeing where you go with this story. Very creative.
Bye
Rosalyne:)
Comment Written 29-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2016
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Hi, Rosalyne
That's great to hear. I'm still thinking about the best direction to go. I was crossing my fingers on that line. I'm thrilled you like it. YAY! Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from Liberty Justice
5 Stars. Character in story talks about how ladder descends to the sky and one day some creatures come down from sky and greet Earth people but character is very nervous. Full of suspense and intrigue. liberty justice
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2016
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5 Stars. Character in story talks about how ladder descends to the sky and one day some creatures come down from sky and greet Earth people but character is very nervous. Full of suspense and intrigue. liberty justice
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 26-Feb-2016
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Thanks so much, Liberty. You have me thinking I should keep going and see where this leads. :)) mikey
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Yeah go for it!
Comment from country ranch writer
sounds like an adventure in the making Mikey. Might be just what we need a sneak into the future of things to come we always wondered what was up in the clouds above the sky
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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sounds like an adventure in the making Mikey. Might be just what we need a sneak into the future of things to come we always wondered what was up in the clouds above the sky
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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I'm just thrilled that you enjoyed this. I like your outlook too. A sneak into the future. I'll keep that in mind moving forward. I like the sound of it. Thanks so much. mikey
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welcome my dear friend hope things are looking up for you and wifey on the home front
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All's well. If you wake up in the morning and you're both there, that's about all you can ask for. Well, coffee, you gotta have that cup of coffee too. :))
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I HEAR THAT FOR SURE AND COFFEE IS NEEDED THEN ONTO THE DIET PEPSI IT IS MY MAINSTAY FOR THE DAY IT HELPS ME FOCOUS. WE'RE TAKING IT ONE DAY AT A TIME HOPING ISSUES WILL WORK ITSELF OUT
Comment from Gloria ....
You had me at only a fool looks down for answers. What an amazing truism that is.
What an intriguing story you are developing Mikey. The sky dwellers going down to visit the ground dwellers from the point of view of mainly a curious character.
My only suggestion is to include a paragraph in the beginning delineating the setting and why the separation to begin with. What happened, and how have the tales been passed along. Only by word of mouth or perhaps telepathy.
It's an engaging story and I can't wait to find out what happens. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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You had me at only a fool looks down for answers. What an amazing truism that is.
What an intriguing story you are developing Mikey. The sky dwellers going down to visit the ground dwellers from the point of view of mainly a curious character.
My only suggestion is to include a paragraph in the beginning delineating the setting and why the separation to begin with. What happened, and how have the tales been passed along. Only by word of mouth or perhaps telepathy.
It's an engaging story and I can't wait to find out what happens. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 25-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 25-Feb-2016
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Wow. You are entirely too generous, but I'll gladly accept it!
That's an excellent idea and I believe the very first thing on my list. It does need a description of the city in the sky for sure, and some kind of hint as to why there is a separation. Another great idea as well about how the tales have been passed along. That could have a strong influence on the overall tone of the piece.
A lot to think about. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from foxangie123
Don't tell anyone but I get excited when I get to read your writing because I know it's gonna be top notch reading, no joke. You bring much knowledge and entrainment to us readers.
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Don't tell anyone but I get excited when I get to read your writing because I know it's gonna be top notch reading, no joke. You bring much knowledge and entrainment to us readers.
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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You're too sweet. How very nice of you to say. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from busses
I like this mike! There are a lot of what-ifs to play with here. What if the earth dwellers are but a few that can even see the ladder and they govern the rest of the humans on earth. What if the ladder only stays visual for a short time and the humans that can see the ladder were from Stratus at one time and Laurie Ernie and frank aren't aware. What if the bluish mist can change the appearance of the earth dwellers as the ascend the ladder. I love playing the what- if game with story lines hope you don't mind. LOL please let me know if I what -ifed you an idea! lol. Great start!
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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I like this mike! There are a lot of what-ifs to play with here. What if the earth dwellers are but a few that can even see the ladder and they govern the rest of the humans on earth. What if the ladder only stays visual for a short time and the humans that can see the ladder were from Stratus at one time and Laurie Ernie and frank aren't aware. What if the bluish mist can change the appearance of the earth dwellers as the ascend the ladder. I love playing the what- if game with story lines hope you don't mind. LOL please let me know if I what -ifed you an idea! lol. Great start!
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Awesome ideas. Thanks. I appreciate your input. You've guessed right, I haven't written a word beyond the beginning so I've yet to figure out what to do next. This will help a bunch. Thanks so much, mikey
Comment from Dean Kuch
"The ladder exists as a symbol of hope and redemption; it is not used". ---Haha. Sounds a bit like a few things which exist right here on good ol' Terra Firma, Michael...
"Oh my, look at them, everybody. As far as the eye can see. This is nothing like we've been led to believe. This is a forest ..." --------I've heard of "getting the lead out", Michael, but you might want to think twice about doing so here...heh-heh
It is our sense of hearing startled the most.-----It seems to me there might be a few words missing here, Mikey. Perhaps, It is our sense of hearing which startles us the most."...Just an observation...
"We are but Earthlings. We serve the masters of the sky. It has always been so."----Hmmmmmm, indeed it has...
An interesting and quite intriguing tale, Michael, concerning these wayward escapees and adventurous travelers of Stratus. A little sci-fi, and little bit philosophical in nature...
Nicely done, and any nits I've found have been duly noted.
When we wish upon a falling star, we crash, and burn...
~Dean
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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"The ladder exists as a symbol of hope and redemption; it is not used". ---Haha. Sounds a bit like a few things which exist right here on good ol' Terra Firma, Michael...
"Oh my, look at them, everybody. As far as the eye can see. This is nothing like we've been led to believe. This is a forest ..." --------I've heard of "getting the lead out", Michael, but you might want to think twice about doing so here...heh-heh
It is our sense of hearing startled the most.-----It seems to me there might be a few words missing here, Mikey. Perhaps, It is our sense of hearing which startles us the most."...Just an observation...
"We are but Earthlings. We serve the masters of the sky. It has always been so."----Hmmmmmm, indeed it has...
An interesting and quite intriguing tale, Michael, concerning these wayward escapees and adventurous travelers of Stratus. A little sci-fi, and little bit philosophical in nature...
Nicely done, and any nits I've found have been duly noted.
When we wish upon a falling star, we crash, and burn...
~Dean
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Hmm. I wonder about that sentence. It does sound right to me, but I think most people will agree with you. I have a little quirk about leaving words out that sound okay to me, but only me it seems. Hahaha. I'll see how many people are driven crazy by it. If enough are, I'll leave it. HAAAAAAHAHAHA!!!!
I'll take a look at those nits. Thanks for the close review. Love the dude hanging from the star, I can relate. :)) mikey
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Sure thing, Mikey.
Anytime...
~Dean ;)
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Sure thing, Mikey.
Anytime...
~Dean ;)
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for sharing your entertaining beginning to a story that is bound to be filled with questions and answers from what surrounds the ladder. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Thanks for sharing your entertaining beginning to a story that is bound to be filled with questions and answers from what surrounds the ladder. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Yep. I've got a lot to figure out. Glad you liked the beginning. That gives me some incentive to move ahead. mikey
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Mikey,
This is a great opening salvo to the piece. Are you going to finish it as one entire piece for the competition?
There are a lot of potential themes at play here. Shades of 'The Time Machine' I picked up on, above and below. You could easily cross into religious, or at least spiritual territory here.
I had to wonder about the name choices, especially after naming the lead character for Darwin. Fortunada is Spanish and mean fortunate (as they are portrayed as the fortunate ones above the land). Arbor as landscape / gardening connotations leading forn into a perfect forest landscape. Lana has interesting connotations with being a language research chimp and also an acronym for 'latency-associated nuclear antigen! Of course I may well be reading way too much into your name chioice! lol
Did you change the guard's name as he is initially described as Lance but then Frank?
I found this intriguing and well written and look forward to more, no matter what direction you deem to pursue.
great stuff.
G
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Hi Mikey,
This is a great opening salvo to the piece. Are you going to finish it as one entire piece for the competition?
There are a lot of potential themes at play here. Shades of 'The Time Machine' I picked up on, above and below. You could easily cross into religious, or at least spiritual territory here.
I had to wonder about the name choices, especially after naming the lead character for Darwin. Fortunada is Spanish and mean fortunate (as they are portrayed as the fortunate ones above the land). Arbor as landscape / gardening connotations leading forn into a perfect forest landscape. Lana has interesting connotations with being a language research chimp and also an acronym for 'latency-associated nuclear antigen! Of course I may well be reading way too much into your name chioice! lol
Did you change the guard's name as he is initially described as Lance but then Frank?
I found this intriguing and well written and look forward to more, no matter what direction you deem to pursue.
great stuff.
G
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Hey, Gman
Great to hear from you. No, I'll just leave it like this as a beginning. Not sure where I'm going. I was thinking along the same way with the names. Oh, I'll check on Lance/Frank. I may have done that or they are two different characters and I ignored one of them maybe. Great input. It gives me something to think about as far as direction. Thanks so much. mikey
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
wow another side of you that I have to explore...you know what I mean.lol
Nice start to a storyline and quite well written.
Easy to understand and humble at the same time...I like
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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wow another side of you that I have to explore...you know what I mean.lol
Nice start to a storyline and quite well written.
Easy to understand and humble at the same time...I like
Comment Written 24-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 24-Feb-2016
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Glad you liked this. I have to figure out what to do with it now. I guess I should already know. :)) mikey
