LORD ABRAM
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dawn of the Nordoxz"Land of the Angels
26 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I thought you were going in another direction when you wrote the name Abram, but you've introduced toxic creatures called Bohaus with acid spume from their mouths. But well done, I do like science/fiction/fantasy genres, this is off to a good start with some marvellous action, Amhara, but well done, excellent beginning, good characters, well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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I thought you were going in another direction when you wrote the name Abram, but you've introduced toxic creatures called Bohaus with acid spume from their mouths. But well done, I do like science/fiction/fantasy genres, this is off to a good start with some marvellous action, Amhara, but well done, excellent beginning, good characters, well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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thank you, roy. I'm glad you liked it.
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Most welcome ,
Comment from robyn corum
1.)
Who are you? I asked with a strong voice, masking my fear.
'
'I am the oracle Naman. I was told of your coming.'
--> looks like one of your quotation marks jumped out of place.
Amahra,
It may not have been intended, but I saw a clever relationship between the beginning of the story, when Abram is given a map that will lead him where he's supposed to go - and the end of the story, when we see he's been through much in his long life. Many battles and loves and has many stories to tell. When he lies down to sleep, his body acts like a map -- completing that circle.
very cool. I look forward to more!
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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1.)
Who are you? I asked with a strong voice, masking my fear.
'
'I am the oracle Naman. I was told of your coming.'
--> looks like one of your quotation marks jumped out of place.
Amahra,
It may not have been intended, but I saw a clever relationship between the beginning of the story, when Abram is given a map that will lead him where he's supposed to go - and the end of the story, when we see he's been through much in his long life. Many battles and loves and has many stories to tell. When he lies down to sleep, his body acts like a map -- completing that circle.
very cool. I look forward to more!
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much, robyn. Wow, no it wasn't intended. Thanks for pointing it out. I guess that's one of the miracles of writing.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Harriett,
I think this is going to be a rousing good read! Father Abram called out of the land of Mesopotamia in Ur of the Chaldes ... I see some similarities. ::
I look forward to seeing where the next chapters are going to take your reader.
Very creative. Best wishes for what's to come. Intrigued. :)
Sonali
and sparks (dispersed) into the night air like
overflowed with every kind of edible (creature),
uch a splendid land, Great (Grandfather)?
I asked with a strong voice(,) masking my fear.
(')What does god want of me(?') I asked him.
scars (etching his body/ etched across his body) like a ma
Grandfather(,) it is our fault that you started the story so
No! No!" the children yell(ed) one by one.
said a little girl snatching away from her nurse. ... not sure that 'snatching away' is an expression. ... tearing herself away from her nurse ..? ... perhaps?
"(Aw,) goose feathers," said a pouting
The children were (led) (single-file) out of camp an
It was his grandson Glinas, who(m) god spoke to now
Abram was rudely awakened (by) screams, and shout
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Hello Harriett,
I think this is going to be a rousing good read! Father Abram called out of the land of Mesopotamia in Ur of the Chaldes ... I see some similarities. ::
I look forward to seeing where the next chapters are going to take your reader.
Very creative. Best wishes for what's to come. Intrigued. :)
Sonali
and sparks (dispersed) into the night air like
overflowed with every kind of edible (creature),
uch a splendid land, Great (Grandfather)?
I asked with a strong voice(,) masking my fear.
(')What does god want of me(?') I asked him.
scars (etching his body/ etched across his body) like a ma
Grandfather(,) it is our fault that you started the story so
No! No!" the children yell(ed) one by one.
said a little girl snatching away from her nurse. ... not sure that 'snatching away' is an expression. ... tearing herself away from her nurse ..? ... perhaps?
"(Aw,) goose feathers," said a pouting
The children were (led) (single-file) out of camp an
It was his grandson Glinas, who(m) god spoke to now
Abram was rudely awakened (by) screams, and shout
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much. I made those changes and it sounds a whole lot better. Bless you. I haven't been reading you because I keep forgetting who you are. I keep thinking, Reachingforthestars. But I got it now.
Comment from Marykelly
This story makes me think I am stepping into the Old Testament. I like the format of the protagonist being the story teller who is passing along his history to the children who sit with such attention and anticipation. Oral history is rich in the information but also in the telling. Abram makes me think of the Abraham that God called to leave his land and begin life with new promise in a new place. This story is well told in its differing formats and holds the reader's attention.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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This story makes me think I am stepping into the Old Testament. I like the format of the protagonist being the story teller who is passing along his history to the children who sit with such attention and anticipation. Oral history is rich in the information but also in the telling. Abram makes me think of the Abraham that God called to leave his land and begin life with new promise in a new place. This story is well told in its differing formats and holds the reader's attention.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much for reading me and for this wonderful review. I'm so glad you saw the similarities and enjoyed the first chapter.
Comment from Ricky1024
hi Frank Sinatra works on Sabbath Sunday this was very enjoyableyes this is very well written on this reviews coming through on Android LG cell phone there will be a grandma cuz like I didn't see Frank Sinatra I haven't got anything else in there again so I hope you enjoy this review I'll give it a 100 piece on semen imagery on a scale of 1 to 100 thanks 24 out
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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hi Frank Sinatra works on Sabbath Sunday this was very enjoyableyes this is very well written on this reviews coming through on Android LG cell phone there will be a grandma cuz like I didn't see Frank Sinatra I haven't got anything else in there again so I hope you enjoy this review I'll give it a 100 piece on semen imagery on a scale of 1 to 100 thanks 24 out
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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I have no idea what you are saying. Frank Sinatra? Grandma? Did you write this after you fell from your motor cycle?
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
I truly believe that I will be reading a very good and entertaining book of fiction. Everything that I need to be gripped from the beginning is in this story. Plots with sub plots, a story within a story. Dialogue and very descriptive actions were of a high level.
It was a little lengthy, but, I felt this was needed to set the book in motion. I could go on and on, but, I think you understand what I feel about this chapter.
This is so well done and your excellent talent comes to the forefront. I look forward to your next chapter.
Take care and have a great day,
Jim
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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I truly believe that I will be reading a very good and entertaining book of fiction. Everything that I need to be gripped from the beginning is in this story. Plots with sub plots, a story within a story. Dialogue and very descriptive actions were of a high level.
It was a little lengthy, but, I felt this was needed to set the book in motion. I could go on and on, but, I think you understand what I feel about this chapter.
This is so well done and your excellent talent comes to the forefront. I look forward to your next chapter.
Take care and have a great day,
Jim
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Jim.
Comment from Dav54
Interesting concept--quite a fascinating world that you are building here! I especially like the main character Abram and how his personality comes through. I see that you explain that you use a different font when he is speaking...I wonder if that is really necessary? Perhaps you want to indicate a special sense of reverence, but I think that can come from other characters' reactions to him just as well. I personally found it a little distracting.
There were just an item or two I might point out:
Perhaps another word besides "snatching" in the line,
"...said a little girl snatching away from her nurse." (The nurse might snatch her away from something, but perhaps the girl herself might "pull" away?)
Abram reaches across the bed and remembers his late wife, and you wrote,
"He felt the empty pillar next to him..." I see you use the word "pillar" again so this is deliberate. Is it a special usage to indicate the dialect of the culture. Is it another word for "pillow"? If so, maybe you could reserve "pillar" for dialog.
The Bohaus are an interesting, scary species of creatures! Perhaps rather than providing an explanation of what they are when they appear, you could simply provide descriptive details as Abram and others encounter individual creatures in battle, and extend that attack a bit more. These are some monsters deserving of such attention!
Thanks for offering such an interesting glimpse of this fascinating world! I can tell Abram would be a favorite character of mine. (I love old mage-types!)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Interesting concept--quite a fascinating world that you are building here! I especially like the main character Abram and how his personality comes through. I see that you explain that you use a different font when he is speaking...I wonder if that is really necessary? Perhaps you want to indicate a special sense of reverence, but I think that can come from other characters' reactions to him just as well. I personally found it a little distracting.
There were just an item or two I might point out:
Perhaps another word besides "snatching" in the line,
"...said a little girl snatching away from her nurse." (The nurse might snatch her away from something, but perhaps the girl herself might "pull" away?)
Abram reaches across the bed and remembers his late wife, and you wrote,
"He felt the empty pillar next to him..." I see you use the word "pillar" again so this is deliberate. Is it a special usage to indicate the dialect of the culture. Is it another word for "pillow"? If so, maybe you could reserve "pillar" for dialog.
The Bohaus are an interesting, scary species of creatures! Perhaps rather than providing an explanation of what they are when they appear, you could simply provide descriptive details as Abram and others encounter individual creatures in battle, and extend that attack a bit more. These are some monsters deserving of such attention!
Thanks for offering such an interesting glimpse of this fascinating world! I can tell Abram would be a favorite character of mine. (I love old mage-types!)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thanks.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Some very effective world building on display here. Good development of backstory interspersed with the current day action.
You started off using his speech in italics which is fine but the tags were ordinary text. This then changes to bold text, as does some of the children's speech. This was a little confusing and not consistent. It is also a little distracting from the piece. I think you might want to go through and make this more consistent.
Grandfather it is our fault that you started the story so late - need opening speech marks here.
of this nameless deity; and knew through - I don't think the semi-colon is necessary here.
killing off every famer's herd - farmer's?
creatures stood like statures - statues?
Good luck with this
GMG
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Hi there,
Some very effective world building on display here. Good development of backstory interspersed with the current day action.
You started off using his speech in italics which is fine but the tags were ordinary text. This then changes to bold text, as does some of the children's speech. This was a little confusing and not consistent. It is also a little distracting from the piece. I think you might want to go through and make this more consistent.
Grandfather it is our fault that you started the story so late - need opening speech marks here.
of this nameless deity; and knew through - I don't think the semi-colon is necessary here.
killing off every famer's herd - farmer's?
creatures stood like statures - statues?
Good luck with this
GMG
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you. But that's the way the type came out on this cite. It's a technical problem.
Comment from Jay Squires
Fascinating and entertaining beginning to your novel, Ama. It has a distinctly Biblical feel about it, right down to naming the main character Abram. A very ambitious undertaking. I like your courage. I'll be looking forward to how you add to it.
A few things:
sparks disburse into the night air like red fireflies. Great image, Ama.
The lakes overflowed with every kind of eatable creatures, [... kind of EDIBLE (?) creatures.]
But, before I could knocked, a voice called me [...I could KNOCK...]
Oh, how she missed their eldest son, [To whom does this "she" refer. You were speaking of Brehira as being dead]
"They'll be back, god help us," Abram said. [ You need punctuation other than a comma after "back". You can't have two complete sentences separated by a comma.]
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Fascinating and entertaining beginning to your novel, Ama. It has a distinctly Biblical feel about it, right down to naming the main character Abram. A very ambitious undertaking. I like your courage. I'll be looking forward to how you add to it.
A few things:
sparks disburse into the night air like red fireflies. Great image, Ama.
The lakes overflowed with every kind of eatable creatures, [... kind of EDIBLE (?) creatures.]
But, before I could knocked, a voice called me [...I could KNOCK...]
Oh, how she missed their eldest son, [To whom does this "she" refer. You were speaking of Brehira as being dead]
"They'll be back, god help us," Abram said. [ You need punctuation other than a comma after "back". You can't have two complete sentences separated by a comma.]
Comment Written 16-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much.
Comment from Joan E.
Congratulations on launching a new book. I liked your idea of a story within a story and your use of two fonts to differentiate between the speakers. Your opening paragraph tells a great deal about who Abram was, and the children's questions and Abram's explaining how he was driven by a voice were great devices to allow us to learn more about him. I think it would be good to break this chapter into two parts, since it is long and contains so much information. Nevertheless, I admired your imaginative storytelling. In particular, I cannot imagine being married for 90 years (I've been married for 45) and never seeing my adult child again! I believe your story would make a great television series--the battle with Bohaus alone would make for compelling drama. Cheers- Joan
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2016
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Congratulations on launching a new book. I liked your idea of a story within a story and your use of two fonts to differentiate between the speakers. Your opening paragraph tells a great deal about who Abram was, and the children's questions and Abram's explaining how he was driven by a voice were great devices to allow us to learn more about him. I think it would be good to break this chapter into two parts, since it is long and contains so much information. Nevertheless, I admired your imaginative storytelling. In particular, I cannot imagine being married for 90 years (I've been married for 45) and never seeing my adult child again! I believe your story would make a great television series--the battle with Bohaus alone would make for compelling drama. Cheers- Joan
Comment Written 15-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 15-Feb-2016
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Oh thank you so much, Joan. I wasn't sure how the story was going to be accepted with two stories going at the same time. I really appreciate this review and the many stars. Bless you.
