LORD ABRAM
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Dawn of the Nordoxz"Land of the Angels
26 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
This looks like it will be quite the fantasy epic. You are off to a good start. I felt as disappointed as the children when they story had to stop so they could retire. You are good at the gruesome details of the battle. It sounds like a dangerous place to live.
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2016
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This looks like it will be quite the fantasy epic. You are off to a good start. I felt as disappointed as the children when they story had to stop so they could retire. You are good at the gruesome details of the battle. It sounds like a dangerous place to live.
Comment Written 21-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 21-Feb-2016
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Aw, thank you for reading. I'm sorry you only got 2 cents. Yesterday, it was 1.16. I'm writing chapter two now. It's much shorter.
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No problem. I read what I want and don't pay much attention to what it pays.
Comment from foxangie123
Did I tell you your name is beautiful? Anyways you are very talented and make your lines as read like they are a movie being watched. Never stop writing.
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2016
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Did I tell you your name is beautiful? Anyways you are very talented and make your lines as read like they are a movie being watched. Never stop writing.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much foxangie. I really appreciate it. You're beautiful too.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I think it a unique story, Amara... intriguing and quite gruesome in places - cleverly told.
however, it does need a bit of tweaking here and there.
I've added inverted commas, altho it is not clear (to me) why sometimes you use singles and other times doubles.
Also I've made a few suggestions for you to consider, but if not in agreement, just ignore them, my friend.
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god. For though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any man's half his age, and his eyes were as clear as an eagle's - HERE - these 2 sentences need to be connected - i.e
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god, for though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any MAN half his age, and his eyes as clear as an eagle's - NOTE: man - and I've left out "were" after eyes (not necessary)
(')Who are you?(') I asked.......
(')Told by whom?(') - add inverted commas
(')Then I will come into the light and meet you,(') I said.
(')What does god want of me?(') I asked him.
Then with a straight face(,) he continued[.](,) - NOTE: comma not period
The children were led single-filed out of camp and into their various homes and were prepared by the servants for bed.
The children were led single-file out of camp, into their various homes where the servants prepared them for bed. (NO d on file)
The Bohaus were wolf-like, long-fanged creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long snouts. They were eight-legged and foamed at the mouth. Their foam was poisonous. They would spit the foam on their prey, which acted like acid.
The Bohaus were eight-legged, wolf-like creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long fangs and snouts. They foamed at the mouth; the foam, which they spat at their prey, was poisonous and acted like acid.
still gripped their boney fingers --- bony
One other minor thing: you might want to consider using some alternative to "said" and "asked" from time to time.
i.e. stated - mentioned - offered - expressed - respnded //// questioned - enquired - just to break it up a little.
Good luck, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2016
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I think it a unique story, Amara... intriguing and quite gruesome in places - cleverly told.
however, it does need a bit of tweaking here and there.
I've added inverted commas, altho it is not clear (to me) why sometimes you use singles and other times doubles.
Also I've made a few suggestions for you to consider, but if not in agreement, just ignore them, my friend.
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god. For though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any man's half his age, and his eyes were as clear as an eagle's - HERE - these 2 sentences need to be connected - i.e
Many claimed he bore the blessings of his god, for though his hair was white like sheep's wool, his back was as straight as any MAN half his age, and his eyes as clear as an eagle's - NOTE: man - and I've left out "were" after eyes (not necessary)
(')Who are you?(') I asked.......
(')Told by whom?(') - add inverted commas
(')Then I will come into the light and meet you,(') I said.
(')What does god want of me?(') I asked him.
Then with a straight face(,) he continued[.](,) - NOTE: comma not period
The children were led single-filed out of camp and into their various homes and were prepared by the servants for bed.
The children were led single-file out of camp, into their various homes where the servants prepared them for bed. (NO d on file)
The Bohaus were wolf-like, long-fanged creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long snouts. They were eight-legged and foamed at the mouth. Their foam was poisonous. They would spit the foam on their prey, which acted like acid.
The Bohaus were eight-legged, wolf-like creatures with dark, coarse fur, and long fangs and snouts. They foamed at the mouth; the foam, which they spat at their prey, was poisonous and acted like acid.
still gripped their boney fingers --- bony
One other minor thing: you might want to consider using some alternative to "said" and "asked" from time to time.
i.e. stated - mentioned - offered - expressed - respnded //// questioned - enquired - just to break it up a little.
Good luck, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 19-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Margaret, many great suggestions.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Gangus Abram was a hundred and four. A seasoned, well traveled man, he fought and was severely wounded in the Great War against the Nordoxz.
Father Abram heard a voice--much as Abraham of the Bible in Old Testament times heard angels voices, and the voice of God. "'Rise quickly,' , the voice said, 'and seek a man called Naman who lives at the north end of the forest. There--you will find a single cottage.'
And so, the quest was on, as Father Abram rose, dressed, then grabbed his cloak and a lantern, then headed for the north end of the forest.
This story's like reading a long lost chapter of the Old Testament, Amada. I especially enjoyed how you your primary protagonist and lead character in this story, Abram, is telling the story to the all of little children all gathered 'round as he conveys the adventures of his travels. Meanwhile the children sit attentively, listening and squirming with anticipation... Great imagery.
"Where you frightened, Great GrandFather?"
Let's just say old Great Grand was as scared as a caterpillar riding the back of a Jay Bird, he said with a chuckle. The children giggled and squirmed. -----Haha, this was good, Amada...
I thought the following passage was endearing--as I pictured all the little ones sitting around a huge campfire while a tribal elder told of his adventures...
'I am the oracle Naman. I was told of your coming.'
Told by whom? I asked boldly.
'No one knows his name,' he said.
Then, as all good things usually do, it was getting late and time for all the little ones to be tucked in bed.
"I want to hear it now," said a little girl tearing herself away from her nurse.
"Aw goose feathers," said a pouting five-year-old...
Excellent writing, Amada.
I was really intrigued all the way through.
Good luck with this one!
~Dean
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Gangus Abram was a hundred and four. A seasoned, well traveled man, he fought and was severely wounded in the Great War against the Nordoxz.
Father Abram heard a voice--much as Abraham of the Bible in Old Testament times heard angels voices, and the voice of God. "'Rise quickly,' , the voice said, 'and seek a man called Naman who lives at the north end of the forest. There--you will find a single cottage.'
And so, the quest was on, as Father Abram rose, dressed, then grabbed his cloak and a lantern, then headed for the north end of the forest.
This story's like reading a long lost chapter of the Old Testament, Amada. I especially enjoyed how you your primary protagonist and lead character in this story, Abram, is telling the story to the all of little children all gathered 'round as he conveys the adventures of his travels. Meanwhile the children sit attentively, listening and squirming with anticipation... Great imagery.
"Where you frightened, Great GrandFather?"
Let's just say old Great Grand was as scared as a caterpillar riding the back of a Jay Bird, he said with a chuckle. The children giggled and squirmed. -----Haha, this was good, Amada...
I thought the following passage was endearing--as I pictured all the little ones sitting around a huge campfire while a tribal elder told of his adventures...
'I am the oracle Naman. I was told of your coming.'
Told by whom? I asked boldly.
'No one knows his name,' he said.
Then, as all good things usually do, it was getting late and time for all the little ones to be tucked in bed.
"I want to hear it now," said a little girl tearing herself away from her nurse.
"Aw goose feathers," said a pouting five-year-old...
Excellent writing, Amada.
I was really intrigued all the way through.
Good luck with this one!
~Dean
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thank you Dean, for taking the time to read my first chapter. I really appreciate it. Thanks for pointing out the parts you liked.
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Sure thing, Amada. Thank you for recommending it. It's a very entertaining read.
~Dean
Comment from Ulla
Hi There, I need to make this short because my Internet keeps crashing. I think you have a great story going here. In honesty it is not the genre I would normally read but it is very well written. Your main character is formidable, and the imagery is just amazing. I will definitely be following this. Have you managed to publish your previous book you released here on FS? All the best. Ulla :))
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Hi There, I need to make this short because my Internet keeps crashing. I think you have a great story going here. In honesty it is not the genre I would normally read but it is very well written. Your main character is formidable, and the imagery is just amazing. I will definitely be following this. Have you managed to publish your previous book you released here on FS? All the best. Ulla :))
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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No, Dark Covenant won't be ready for publishing for a while. But my romance novel, The Animal Doctor has just been released on Amazon.com. Just type the initials...H L Randall.
Thank you for your support on my books.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very well written as always. I just cannot get interested in this genre. I have tried reading this kind of story, but it just doesn't hold my attention. No offense meant. I know many here read and write this sort of thing, and the stories are quite popular. They just don't work for me. Sorry to let you down.
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Very well written as always. I just cannot get interested in this genre. I have tried reading this kind of story, but it just doesn't hold my attention. No offense meant. I know many here read and write this sort of thing, and the stories are quite popular. They just don't work for me. Sorry to let you down.
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Okay. Thanks for your review.
Comment from TallySally
This is an intriguing write. It pulled me into the story and kept me guessing. There was enough retelling of prior events and flashbacks to inform the story - hard to do but done well.
Looking forward to see more from you.
God bless and my best,
Relda
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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This is an intriguing write. It pulled me into the story and kept me guessing. There was enough retelling of prior events and flashbacks to inform the story - hard to do but done well.
Looking forward to see more from you.
God bless and my best,
Relda
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thank you foe reading. I'm so glad you enjoyed.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
Absolutely brilliant beginning to a story that promises to be spellbinding. I'm glad to get in so early in your story so I can keep up. Hopefully I won't fall behind again. Wonderful story within a story, and great action scenes and suspense.
Look forward to the next installment,
Rhonda
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Absolutely brilliant beginning to a story that promises to be spellbinding. I'm glad to get in so early in your story so I can keep up. Hopefully I won't fall behind again. Wonderful story within a story, and great action scenes and suspense.
Look forward to the next installment,
Rhonda
Comment Written 18-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Rhonda.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Amahra,
Interesting piece of Spiritual Fiction beautifully depicting its theme, especially the role of Abram!
Wording is lucid and matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout from the beginning to the end.
The last paragraph is particularly noteworthy.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Hello Amahra,
Interesting piece of Spiritual Fiction beautifully depicting its theme, especially the role of Abram!
Wording is lucid and matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow almost throughout from the beginning to the end.
The last paragraph is particularly noteworthy.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thank you very much.
Comment from zacharymanzano
I am very familiar with the bible. I was raised very religious and have read the bible probably 30 times in 17 years of dedicated homage. It is a part of me that will always reside deep in my soul. Some may say blasphemy. As for me, I enjoyed this interpretive twist. I was able to relate certain paragraphs and it brought back great memories of worship and dedication. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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I am very familiar with the bible. I was raised very religious and have read the bible probably 30 times in 17 years of dedicated homage. It is a part of me that will always reside deep in my soul. Some may say blasphemy. As for me, I enjoyed this interpretive twist. I was able to relate certain paragraphs and it brought back great memories of worship and dedication. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2016
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Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter.
