The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Creepy Sleepover"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
24 total reviews
Comment from Green Lake Girl
I'm so glad to see you back in the saddle, Rhonda! You must be recovering nicely. How is your jaw? More importantly, how's your head? Obviously not too bad or you wouldn't be writing. I hope you're well on the road to recovery.
Loved this chapter. You're starting to get into the old adventures of the Daredevil Girls. You left us with a heck of a cliff hanger. I'm curious if Nancy will 'get the band back together' in her adult years?
I particularly liked this description: "It's contents smelled of harsh times."
I also like the diversity of the girls. Really important for today's young adult audience.
A couple small things:
"fasted kid" should be fastest kid
I think if you used more contractions, (you are/you're, there is/there's) your story would read a bit smoother.
Nicely penned, Rhonda. I look forward to the next adventure. Again, so glad to have you back.
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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I'm so glad to see you back in the saddle, Rhonda! You must be recovering nicely. How is your jaw? More importantly, how's your head? Obviously not too bad or you wouldn't be writing. I hope you're well on the road to recovery.
Loved this chapter. You're starting to get into the old adventures of the Daredevil Girls. You left us with a heck of a cliff hanger. I'm curious if Nancy will 'get the band back together' in her adult years?
I particularly liked this description: "It's contents smelled of harsh times."
I also like the diversity of the girls. Really important for today's young adult audience.
A couple small things:
"fasted kid" should be fastest kid
I think if you used more contractions, (you are/you're, there is/there's) your story would read a bit smoother.
Nicely penned, Rhonda. I look forward to the next adventure. Again, so glad to have you back.
Comment Written 19-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 22-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, and you're right, I do need more contractions. This is a rewrite on my original book, so I'm needed to update it. I've changed a lot so far, but need more suggestions!
Fasted, that's funny! I guess she was dieting!
My health...eeek...I had another surgery, and more hospital time, but hopefully that's all behind me now, or at least headed that way. Writing certainly helps the rehab! Can't wait to check in on the dastardly ghost.
Rhonda
Comment from amahra
I really love this writing, though missed a few, I think. But the dialogue is so real and I love the suspense at the end.
"Pretty much the whole crew, including Sally, since you always made me take her everywhere."
"She was your little sister."
"She was a spy." [Oh, my gosh, I love this. I was the spy for my grandmother when me and my sister were kids. I don't feel the least bad about it. It kept her out of trouble with boys and the wrong crowd. Smile]
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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I really love this writing, though missed a few, I think. But the dialogue is so real and I love the suspense at the end.
"Pretty much the whole crew, including Sally, since you always made me take her everywhere."
"She was your little sister."
"She was a spy." [Oh, my gosh, I love this. I was the spy for my grandmother when me and my sister were kids. I don't feel the least bad about it. It kept her out of trouble with boys and the wrong crowd. Smile]
Comment Written 14-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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Yeah, I was the little sister spy, too! Gotta have one, but you'll find later that she can get in her own trouble, too! Thanks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Well written story depicting what must have been a real fun sleepover for those involved.
Excitement in the air, and the surprise in the box seems to have gotten the better of all the characters in the story.
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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Well written story depicting what must have been a real fun sleepover for those involved.
Excitement in the air, and the surprise in the box seems to have gotten the better of all the characters in the story.
Comment Written 14-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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Thank you for reading and reviewing, Brett!
Happy Valentine's Day,
Rhonda
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Cowgirl! There you go, you've gone and left me in suspense again! You are so good at that. I am hooked on this yarn. I've made a few comments on this chapter, but in no way does it detract anything from the quality of the story. I love this stuff and your father must have had the best time telling it to you. Great job pardna.
"Pretty much the whole crew, including Sally, since you always made me take her to everything."(I would replace "take her to everything with..take her everywhere. Sounds a bit more fluid to me.)
"the girls had nervously told ghost stories, and huddled under covers to ward off chilly March drafts. " (Fortunately the subject of ghosts and spirits and the like are taboo in traditional aboriginal culture or I might have run away from them as well. Bit scary for me that stuff!)
""Yeah," Nancy said. "We heard a terrifying screech that sat us all upright and(-and) and had us grabbing for flashlights and battery operated lanterns."
"She was all spit and fire." (love that expression.)
"Hey, I'm a big sister. I felt it my moral obligation. Anyway, Sally's eyes got big around as saucers. Poor thing edged towards the hole." (Hahahaha! Cop that little one!)
"Daredevil Girls were not just a team, we were cautious" (Doesn't sound very cautious to me lol.)
"With all of their(-their +our) flashlights and lanterns turned on"
Now what's in the bloody box please?
Bring it on.
Delia says, "kumusta baby"
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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G'day Cowgirl! There you go, you've gone and left me in suspense again! You are so good at that. I am hooked on this yarn. I've made a few comments on this chapter, but in no way does it detract anything from the quality of the story. I love this stuff and your father must have had the best time telling it to you. Great job pardna.
"Pretty much the whole crew, including Sally, since you always made me take her to everything."(I would replace "take her to everything with..take her everywhere. Sounds a bit more fluid to me.)
"the girls had nervously told ghost stories, and huddled under covers to ward off chilly March drafts. " (Fortunately the subject of ghosts and spirits and the like are taboo in traditional aboriginal culture or I might have run away from them as well. Bit scary for me that stuff!)
""Yeah," Nancy said. "We heard a terrifying screech that sat us all upright and(-and) and had us grabbing for flashlights and battery operated lanterns."
"She was all spit and fire." (love that expression.)
"Hey, I'm a big sister. I felt it my moral obligation. Anyway, Sally's eyes got big around as saucers. Poor thing edged towards the hole." (Hahahaha! Cop that little one!)
"Daredevil Girls were not just a team, we were cautious" (Doesn't sound very cautious to me lol.)
"With all of their(-their +our) flashlights and lanterns turned on"
Now what's in the bloody box please?
Bring it on.
Delia says, "kumusta baby"
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for your brilliant bit by bit review that makes your reviews so helpful. I've made the corrections, and hope the whole thing is ready to go now!
Thanks for the six star rating, and tell sweet Delia Kumusta, as well (I forgot the proper response) haha,
Take care, Cowboy,
Rhonda
Comment from Douglas Paul
What a great way to end this - you really left me hangig and wanting to know what is in the box. This shole story has been so good. I hope you are planning to publish this
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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What a great way to end this - you really left me hangig and wanting to know what is in the box. This shole story has been so good. I hope you are planning to publish this
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2016
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I do plan to publish it, thanks. It was published once before, but there were so many mistakes I bought the rights back from the publisher, and I am rewriting, revising much along the way. Thank you so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Dav54
Excellent writing. I love the way you develop your characters and the dialogue is perfect. Having taught public high school for over 30 years, I especially like that you have a diverse group of strong females, as that is so important for our young readers to see, boys and girls! (Boys need to learn how to appreciate strong women, in fiction and in life--sorry for the aside, but...) It also appears that you will be able to smash other ethnic and racial stereotypes, especially your Cherokee character, by including her as a vibrant, living person in the present, rather than relegating her entire race as something that lived only in the past. BRAVO!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Excellent writing. I love the way you develop your characters and the dialogue is perfect. Having taught public high school for over 30 years, I especially like that you have a diverse group of strong females, as that is so important for our young readers to see, boys and girls! (Boys need to learn how to appreciate strong women, in fiction and in life--sorry for the aside, but...) It also appears that you will be able to smash other ethnic and racial stereotypes, especially your Cherokee character, by including her as a vibrant, living person in the present, rather than relegating her entire race as something that lived only in the past. BRAVO!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for the brillaint and helpful review. Yes, girls need empowering, and you will find I'll add some boys in as well. The first group ended up with one boy, the brother of one of the girls, and then a new group will form and there will be several young men in that as well.
Good to know you are a fellow teacher. I teach high school as well, even though many of my characters in this series are Middle School.
Thanks, especially, for the wonderful six star rating. That goes a long way to encourage the writer!
Happy Valentine's Day,
Rhonda
Comment from JTStone
Good to have you back...How are you healing and feeling?
I was missing this story. It's a pleasure to read. I love the use of a phone call and dialog to introduce the characters and the story. It was a clever way to take us all back in time and get the story rolling. Great suspenseful break.
One little minor bit to fix...
First sentence, last paragraph, The key, you have (there key)
Jimmy
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Good to have you back...How are you healing and feeling?
I was missing this story. It's a pleasure to read. I love the use of a phone call and dialog to introduce the characters and the story. It was a clever way to take us all back in time and get the story rolling. Great suspenseful break.
One little minor bit to fix...
First sentence, last paragraph, The key, you have (there key)
Jimmy
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Than you for reading, Jimmy. I missed that Spag. Thanks so much for catching it for me!!!
I am doing much better. The jaw still gives me a pain (or more), and I'm still a bit dizzy, but I'm coming along well. I'm just not used to having this much wrong with me, and get a bit impatient!
Thanks again,
Rhonda
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
Rhonda, I really like this exceptional story. I am not versed in the structure of a story, but, this is what I look for. First sentence that grabs my attention. This determines if I continue reading. Second, a plot within the storyline. I feel the plot should be subtle to keep me wondering. Third, dialogue which is important in keeping the story moving forward. Fourth, a very descriptive interaction of all of the characters involved.
Rhonda, I enjoyed reading this chapter because of the conversation between Emily and Nancy. The reminiscing of the early days and this sleepover that led to the hidden room. I like how you left at what was in the box to become a mystery for the next chapter.
So, with all of my ramblings, this is a six star story.
Well done Rhonda. I also hope you are mending well.
Take care and enjoy this great day and Happy Valentines to you my friend,
Jim
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Rhonda, I really like this exceptional story. I am not versed in the structure of a story, but, this is what I look for. First sentence that grabs my attention. This determines if I continue reading. Second, a plot within the storyline. I feel the plot should be subtle to keep me wondering. Third, dialogue which is important in keeping the story moving forward. Fourth, a very descriptive interaction of all of the characters involved.
Rhonda, I enjoyed reading this chapter because of the conversation between Emily and Nancy. The reminiscing of the early days and this sleepover that led to the hidden room. I like how you left at what was in the box to become a mystery for the next chapter.
So, with all of my ramblings, this is a six star story.
Well done Rhonda. I also hope you are mending well.
Take care and enjoy this great day and Happy Valentines to you my friend,
Jim
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for the six star rating, and for the very detailed description of what you look for. That is very helpful, and I am going to make a copy of it for future reference.
I am mending well, even if a bit more slowly than my active mind is happy with. Thanks for asking.
Happy Valentine's Day to you as well, Jim,
Rhonda
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rhonda,
It's a nice piece in continuation having simple and matching the theme wording with smooth as well as captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
It becomes more interesting since the team's entry into the underneath room.
The last paragraph is working as a good hook making a reader look forward for the next part - A good strategy!
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
It's a nice piece in continuation having simple and matching the theme wording with smooth as well as captivating flow from the beginning to the end.
It becomes more interesting since the team's entry into the underneath room.
The last paragraph is working as a good hook making a reader look forward for the next part - A good strategy!
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Thank you for the beautiful 6 star rating. You've put a huge smile on my face (even if it's a bit broken). Thank you for the helpful comments and your continued reading of the story!
Happy Valentine's day,
Rhonda
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Hi Rhonda,
It means you are recovering fast and soon you will start having, as usual, a perfect smile on your face.
With best wishes,
RP.
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes a discovery can cause problems. The daredevil girls makes for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
upright and and (
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Sometimes a discovery can cause problems. The daredevil girls makes for a very interesting read. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme.
Error
upright and and (
Comment Written 13-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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Thank you for reading the story, commenting, and finding the double and. It's funny, no matter how many times you read something, there's always a few things that slip by. Thank goodness for Fanstorians!
Happy Valentine's Day,
Rhonda
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You're welcome, Rhonda. Charlie
