Soldier in the Rain
Rain washes out a block party.19 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Wow! Powerful scene. You've shown us so much in this simple scene of some neighbors on Rainey Street (good name). Chaney is the enemy still... some can't let it go. A lot of reality here shown only by their comments. Well done! :)
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Wow! Powerful scene. You've shown us so much in this simple scene of some neighbors on Rainey Street (good name). Chaney is the enemy still... some can't let it go. A lot of reality here shown only by their comments. Well done! :)
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Phyllis, for sharing my story and your very kind praise.
Comment from Patricia Brooks
Fine chapter, perfectly ended. It doesn't say what number chapter it is in the whole, but it feels pivotal. Your characterizations, especially by actions, are well done, using lively verbs to set the tone of people's involvement in the party and in the neighborhood -- and ultimately in the country. The dialog is virtually flawless; only a few minor matters of terms and punctuation. I've been a copy editor much of my life, so forgive the minutia:
I couldn't help but chuckle..;
shook his head is always used to signify the negative, nod the positive. So maybe "bobbed his head up and down" would work best;
listening now (comma) as both...
onto Billy, not on to
listening now (comma) as both...
"What (comma) Billy? The war?" I wanted to ask...
But in general it's a polished work. I especially liked "I could almost feel a wave of air from his sigh of relief."
Is the novel finished? Clearly you're committed to it. GOOD LUCK!
Patricia Brooks
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Fine chapter, perfectly ended. It doesn't say what number chapter it is in the whole, but it feels pivotal. Your characterizations, especially by actions, are well done, using lively verbs to set the tone of people's involvement in the party and in the neighborhood -- and ultimately in the country. The dialog is virtually flawless; only a few minor matters of terms and punctuation. I've been a copy editor much of my life, so forgive the minutia:
I couldn't help but chuckle..;
shook his head is always used to signify the negative, nod the positive. So maybe "bobbed his head up and down" would work best;
listening now (comma) as both...
onto Billy, not on to
listening now (comma) as both...
"What (comma) Billy? The war?" I wanted to ask...
But in general it's a polished work. I especially liked "I could almost feel a wave of air from his sigh of relief."
Is the novel finished? Clearly you're committed to it. GOOD LUCK!
Patricia Brooks
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much, Patricia, for this incisive review and terrific editing. I am delighted you enjoyed the characters and their interactions. Yes, the novel (YA) is long-finished. Perhaps someday I will post the rest of it.
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I'm not sure I replied to your response yesterday, but will now in case I didn't. I have novels whose chapters I will post in the future and will appreciate your responses to them. I would also ask you to review the poem I just entered in the Free Verse contest, "The Poet's Journey". They tell me it's at the 139th spot on the list, and no one will ever find it there. Yesterday was my first on the site, and I could only review so many in one day and don't know how many member points/dollars/whatever they're called to promote it upward on the list. I'd appreciate your seeking it out on page 3 and reviewing it so I know what you think.
Thanks, Patricia
Comment from Sun
This is a great story. The narration and dialog is great and it almost transported me to this fictional village.
The only critique I have is that the story does not perfectly fit the writing prompt, it feels like the approaching storm is 1 of the things happening in the background and not an important part of the story.
I still give it 5 stars for the structure and the depth of all the characters in the story.
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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This is a great story. The narration and dialog is great and it almost transported me to this fictional village.
The only critique I have is that the story does not perfectly fit the writing prompt, it feels like the approaching storm is 1 of the things happening in the background and not an important part of the story.
I still give it 5 stars for the structure and the depth of all the characters in the story.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for sharing my story and your very kind praise. Indeed the storm is in the background until the end. Because the story is part of a novel (see my notes), the storm is also used to symbolize what would happen to Billy, Clarissa, and Micki later in the story as well as the storm brewing nationally regarding Nixon and Watergate.
Comment from Bill O'Bier
Bravo- very well done. I enjoyed reading it. It was concise and well written. The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks for writing and sharing this piece.
Bill~
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reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Bravo- very well done. I enjoyed reading it. It was concise and well written. The descriptive language flowed well. Thanks for writing and sharing this piece.
Bill~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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Thank you for sharing my story, but I am curious. You say it was "very well done" and "concise and well-written," so why only four stars?
Comment from trumby
fantastic story.
I'm learning so much about other cultures on this site.
It was strongly educational to see Billy's protective attitude towards the flag.
No slow spots or spags.
Thanks for sharing
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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fantastic story.
I'm learning so much about other cultures on this site.
It was strongly educational to see Billy's protective attitude towards the flag.
No slow spots or spags.
Thanks for sharing
Comment Written 08-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 08-Feb-2016
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I am delighted you found the story both enjoyable and educational. Thanks so much for sharing and your kind praise.
Comment from robyn corum
1.) I couldn't help (but) chuckle as he loped back to his house.
2.) (H)ave you ever seen a man about
3.) "Who said?" (blurted?) Uncle Frank, not wanting to go unheard.
4.) Soon quiet dialogs began. I vaguely heard the women talking about TV shows. Mary Tyler Moore and her friend Rhoda and that fool Ted Baxter. I turned toward the men and heard something about Hank Aaron hitting 700 homers and Nolan Ryan pitching no-hitters. I was tired of both subjects, but enjoyed the music of their conversation. I knew the sound of our voices must be carrying to other streets, and I wondered if the neighbors on other blocks envied Rainey Avenue,
-> fabulous job! Creates a wonderful sense of reality and home. Lovely imagery!
Dear Mystery Writer,
I'm anxious to know who this is, because it's some of the best writing I've seen here in a bit. Kudos to you for the job done here. Great (and not-so great) memories returned while reading! Thanks - and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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1.) I couldn't help (but) chuckle as he loped back to his house.
2.) (H)ave you ever seen a man about
3.) "Who said?" (blurted?) Uncle Frank, not wanting to go unheard.
4.) Soon quiet dialogs began. I vaguely heard the women talking about TV shows. Mary Tyler Moore and her friend Rhoda and that fool Ted Baxter. I turned toward the men and heard something about Hank Aaron hitting 700 homers and Nolan Ryan pitching no-hitters. I was tired of both subjects, but enjoyed the music of their conversation. I knew the sound of our voices must be carrying to other streets, and I wondered if the neighbors on other blocks envied Rainey Avenue,
-> fabulous job! Creates a wonderful sense of reality and home. Lovely imagery!
Dear Mystery Writer,
I'm anxious to know who this is, because it's some of the best writing I've seen here in a bit. Kudos to you for the job done here. Great (and not-so great) memories returned while reading! Thanks - and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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Thank you so much for sharing this story and for your wonderful feedback and comments. I am especially gratified by the he kudos.
Comment from damommy
This is a very good story. You made the characters so real, I felt I knew them. I love your choice of photo. It's just what I pictured as I read your story. (I always look at photos last).
I'm eager to find out why Billy didn't want Mr. Chaney to touch the flag. If I start from the first, will I find out?
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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This is a very good story. You made the characters so real, I felt I knew them. I love your choice of photo. It's just what I pictured as I read your story. (I always look at photos last).
I'm eager to find out why Billy didn't want Mr. Chaney to touch the flag. If I start from the first, will I find out?
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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Thank you for this fabulous review and rating. I am delighted you like my characters so much. Early in the novel we discover that Billy and his step-father do not get along. Billy comes home from the war now feeling very much like an outsider in the neighborhood (Rainey Avenue) he grew up in.
Comment from DonandVicki
A good start to your story. well written and easy to follow along. I like your stlye as it flows with no mind twisters. Good character development.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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A good start to your story. well written and easy to follow along. I like your stlye as it flows with no mind twisters. Good character development.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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Thank you for sharing my story and your kind praise. I am writing this as a YA novel, so I am especially pleased you like the style.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
I really loved your imagery. Made me wish I had a porch and a cup of java right now to enjoy. Having a brother who served in Nam on the riverboats, your story spoke to me. I was ten when he returned a different person. Backfires from cars, vacuum cleaners turned on, it was at times terrifying for us to witness the instant rage. I also remember Watergate well. I found this very interesting, and honestly,
the picture you chose pulled me into the story immediately. Great choice!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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I really loved your imagery. Made me wish I had a porch and a cup of java right now to enjoy. Having a brother who served in Nam on the riverboats, your story spoke to me. I was ten when he returned a different person. Backfires from cars, vacuum cleaners turned on, it was at times terrifying for us to witness the instant rage. I also remember Watergate well. I found this very interesting, and honestly,
the picture you chose pulled me into the story immediately. Great choice!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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I am delighted you enjoyed my story and would like to share a cup of coffee with the residents of Rainey Avenue. Thanks for sharing and your interesting comments.
