Texas Dream Catcher
Viewing comments for Chapter 80 "Chapter Veinticuatro, (24) Part Tres"Drug & human trafficking, can romance win?
37 total reviews
Comment from rmj09
The focus the riders leave so Soni and Jacob can leave.
The story line development: after Jacob saluted Soni from the cave a bear come out. Soni thanks Grandfather. The prisoner the two had set free comes and the men shoot him. They go off following the horse and dog prints. Jacob tries to explain to Soni what he was doing but she'll have nothing to do with him. He can hardly wait for the dogs to return with the horses.
The hook will they be safe since the men are following the dogs and horses?
The suspense gets resolved and a new issue arrives will they get back to the ranch safe and what does Littleton have to do with the problems. Is he after the ranch for himself?
Barbara, I'm sorry to be so late but I'm having problems with my lupus fog. Rita
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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The focus the riders leave so Soni and Jacob can leave.
The story line development: after Jacob saluted Soni from the cave a bear come out. Soni thanks Grandfather. The prisoner the two had set free comes and the men shoot him. They go off following the horse and dog prints. Jacob tries to explain to Soni what he was doing but she'll have nothing to do with him. He can hardly wait for the dogs to return with the horses.
The hook will they be safe since the men are following the dogs and horses?
The suspense gets resolved and a new issue arrives will they get back to the ranch safe and what does Littleton have to do with the problems. Is he after the ranch for himself?
Barbara, I'm sorry to be so late but I'm having problems with my lupus fog. Rita
Comment Written 30-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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I am so sorry you're not doing well. Please take care of yourself.
Comment from hollywell
Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. It is always difficult to judge the story from a small sample taken mid-novel. I did find certain areas difficult to read.
I did find the complex Spanish phrases broke the flow for me. I obviously do not know the audience for whom you are writing but do take care not to cause the reader to trip over parts of your passages.
Avoid over wordy sentences. Don't use the -ing form of verbs it at all possible ie.
The sound of dried leaves crunching caused everyone to look south.
The crunch of dried leaves drew their gaze .........
Try to avoid wordy dialogue. In the scene I read I can't image anyone saying
"I'd feel more comfortable if you lowered that knife."
How about:- "Lower your knife, it's makes me nervous.
Back to -ing verb endings. They are in the passive voice. Not a good idea
When Soni heard the sound of footsteps coming closer, she crept around the boulder, hoping to avoid being seen.
"Soni pressed her body closer to the boulder and held her breath. The footsteps were closer now. She slide her trembling body further into the shadows. She mustn't let them find her.
I know my suggestion is longer but also believe it is more dramatic.
But it's not perfect.
I hope my ideas help. You need to concentrate on your descriptions to make them more vivid. I think there is a good story element in your writing and my suggestions are to make it more vivid and more gripping for the reader.
Good luck. I feel you have good potential with this work if you revise the points I have made.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the opportunity to read your work. It is always difficult to judge the story from a small sample taken mid-novel. I did find certain areas difficult to read.
I did find the complex Spanish phrases broke the flow for me. I obviously do not know the audience for whom you are writing but do take care not to cause the reader to trip over parts of your passages.
Avoid over wordy sentences. Don't use the -ing form of verbs it at all possible ie.
The sound of dried leaves crunching caused everyone to look south.
The crunch of dried leaves drew their gaze .........
Try to avoid wordy dialogue. In the scene I read I can't image anyone saying
"I'd feel more comfortable if you lowered that knife."
How about:- "Lower your knife, it's makes me nervous.
Back to -ing verb endings. They are in the passive voice. Not a good idea
When Soni heard the sound of footsteps coming closer, she crept around the boulder, hoping to avoid being seen.
"Soni pressed her body closer to the boulder and held her breath. The footsteps were closer now. She slide her trembling body further into the shadows. She mustn't let them find her.
I know my suggestion is longer but also believe it is more dramatic.
But it's not perfect.
I hope my ideas help. You need to concentrate on your descriptions to make them more vivid. I think there is a good story element in your writing and my suggestions are to make it more vivid and more gripping for the reader.
Good luck. I feel you have good potential with this work if you revise the points I have made.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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You are correct about the ing endings. I used to have a reviewer who kept me honest with them and he left the site. I fell back into my old habit. I will make those corrections.
Comment from Sasha
You got my heart pumping with this one...lots of action too. I agree, Soni may mistrust Jim, but she really does have to lighten up a bit. Great work with this one.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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You got my heart pumping with this one...lots of action too. I agree, Soni may mistrust Jim, but she really does have to lighten up a bit. Great work with this one.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the kind review. I always enjoy hearing from you.
Comment from chasennov
Chapter 80 of the book Texas Dream Catcher The men finally leave. "Chapter Veinticuatro, (24) Part Tres" I am so glad I could review this great chapter you have again created here, Barbara. Very well done.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Chapter 80 of the book Texas Dream Catcher The men finally leave. "Chapter Veinticuatro, (24) Part Tres" I am so glad I could review this great chapter you have again created here, Barbara. Very well done.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this kind review. I always enjoy hearing from you.
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You are most welcome, Barbara.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Barbara.Wilkey,
It's a nice piece of Romance Fiction in continuation.
Wording is simple as well as matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from top to bottom.
"Viste ese hombre aguantado su sombrero de lado a lado desde la cueva?."
Some such sentences give the flavor of originality and hence, are good. Nevertheless, it would have been far better if their English-translation had been given some where or under the Author Notes. I think so.
On the whole, Interesting and carries the story forward.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Hello Barbara.Wilkey,
It's a nice piece of Romance Fiction in continuation.
Wording is simple as well as matching the theme.
Smooth and captivating flow from top to bottom.
"Viste ese hombre aguantado su sombrero de lado a lado desde la cueva?."
Some such sentences give the flavor of originality and hence, are good. Nevertheless, it would have been far better if their English-translation had been given some where or under the Author Notes. I think so.
On the whole, Interesting and carries the story forward.
Comment Written 28-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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I translated it in the next sentence. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from Sis Cat
Action. Action. Action. It is gripping combined with tight dialogue and sparse descriptions that moves your story forward with a galloping momentum.
My only suggestion is to add a subject in this awkward sentence, "Saluting me? What for?"
over his shoulder asked,
Perhaps, "he asked over his shoulder."
Thank you for sharing your entertaining writing.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Action. Action. Action. It is gripping combined with tight dialogue and sparse descriptions that moves your story forward with a galloping momentum.
My only suggestion is to add a subject in this awkward sentence, "Saluting me? What for?"
over his shoulder asked,
Perhaps, "he asked over his shoulder."
Thank you for sharing your entertaining writing.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from foxangie123
Bravo. A great addition to the realm of writing. A really great job you have done here. The topic subject is so real. You put the readers inside like watching a movie. Fantastic.
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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Bravo. A great addition to the realm of writing. A really great job you have done here. The topic subject is so real. You put the readers inside like watching a movie. Fantastic.
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'I'm tired of your constant insults. I made one mistake. I should have told you my real name, but for your safety I couldn't.'
I must say I think Soni had this admonition coming to her. Still, she's learned to be cautious for a reason.
Another fine chapter, Barbara.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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'I'm tired of your constant insults. I made one mistake. I should have told you my real name, but for your safety I couldn't.'
I must say I think Soni had this admonition coming to her. Still, she's learned to be cautious for a reason.
Another fine chapter, Barbara.
:) Bev
Comment Written 27-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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I always enjoy hearing from you. Thank you.
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You're welcome, Barbara :)
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, I'm not sure I like quite so much Spanish, but only because I feel like I might be missing some crumb of this delicious story (even though Soni's dialogue translates somewhat.) LOL. As usual, I see nothing I'd change. :)
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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Well, I'm not sure I like quite so much Spanish, but only because I feel like I might be missing some crumb of this delicious story (even though Soni's dialogue translates somewhat.) LOL. As usual, I see nothing I'd change. :)
Comment Written 26-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2016
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Soni roughly translated it. I figured it needed to Spanish to sound authentic. I try not to use too much. Thank you for the kind review.
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I know - it's good. :)
Comment from ciliverde
Soni's grandfather is a handy guy to have around even from within the hospital - isn't that where he is? It was a bit of a narrow escape for gym but thankfully the bear or I should say grandfathers stepped in to save the day :)
You do a nice job of blending in the Spanish - I do understand a little bit but you're phrasing after the Spanish text makes it easy to understand what was said.
I hope the dogs and the horses get away OK I don't like the thought of those guys following them.
Another enjoyable chapter!
Carol
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
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Soni's grandfather is a handy guy to have around even from within the hospital - isn't that where he is? It was a bit of a narrow escape for gym but thankfully the bear or I should say grandfathers stepped in to save the day :)
You do a nice job of blending in the Spanish - I do understand a little bit but you're phrasing after the Spanish text makes it easy to understand what was said.
I hope the dogs and the horses get away OK I don't like the thought of those guys following them.
Another enjoyable chapter!
Carol
Comment Written 26-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2016
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Grandfather's a very talented person. Thank you for the kind review.
