The Autumn Of Our Years
a sonnet contest entry22 total reviews
Comment from William Ross
Very good nice rhymes and a great rhythm when read good though and great meaning in this. Good luck in the contest, have a great day.
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Very good nice rhymes and a great rhythm when read good though and great meaning in this. Good luck in the contest, have a great day.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the good review.
Comment from MelB
This is a lovely sonnet for the contest. It flows really well. I think it is so easy to crave our youth. It is kind of amazing to look back and see the different trials and storms we have survived and how they have strengthened us.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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This is a lovely sonnet for the contest. It flows really well. I think it is so easy to crave our youth. It is kind of amazing to look back and see the different trials and storms we have survived and how they have strengthened us.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the good review, my friend. I am glad my thoughts have resonated with you.
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You're welcome:)
Comment from Joan E.
I DID NOT KNOW WE HAD A MUTUAL FS FRIEND IN SWEET LINDA UNTIL SHE RECENTLY WROTE ABOUT YOU. (SORRY ABOUT ALL THE CAPS--I'M WORKING ON A NEW COMPUTER.)
I ADMIRED YOUR RHYMED SONNET ABOUT AGING. YOUR "BARREN COALS" AND "BROOM" METAPHORS ARE QUITE COMPELLING. BEST WISHES IN THE CONTEST AND SWEET DREAMS- JOAN
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I DID NOT KNOW WE HAD A MUTUAL FS FRIEND IN SWEET LINDA UNTIL SHE RECENTLY WROTE ABOUT YOU. (SORRY ABOUT ALL THE CAPS--I'M WORKING ON A NEW COMPUTER.)
I ADMIRED YOUR RHYMED SONNET ABOUT AGING. YOUR "BARREN COALS" AND "BROOM" METAPHORS ARE QUITE COMPELLING. BEST WISHES IN THE CONTEST AND SWEET DREAMS- JOAN
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the superb review and the exceptional rating, dear Joan. I am glad you enjoyed my sonnet and its metaphors.
Yes, Linda (Sweet Linda) and I met in Vegas in 2009 when I was living there. I brought her to FS and suggested the opseydonym of SweetLinda, as she is really sweet. She is a very talented woman - when she joined, she never wrote poetry before. And in a year to write the work of that caliber (I refer to her poem about God being the best poet) is amazing.
Good luck with new computer, thank you for stopping by. Love, Yelena
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Good for you to introduce Linda to poetry, rename her and recruit her for FS. The caps problem seems intermittent (as you can see) and I be patient with the learning curve. Here's to a terrific 2016- Joan
Comment from arelby
This is a model of form, rhythm, rhyme, and story line. I have just two questions:
1) Why did you capitalize 'Our' in the seventh line, since you did not end the preceding complete thought with a period?
2) Why do you use the adjective 'lifelong' in a construction which calls for a noun? I can't quite see 'lifelong' as a substitute for 'lifetime.'
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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This is a model of form, rhythm, rhyme, and story line. I have just two questions:
1) Why did you capitalize 'Our' in the seventh line, since you did not end the preceding complete thought with a period?
2) Why do you use the adjective 'lifelong' in a construction which calls for a noun? I can't quite see 'lifelong' as a substitute for 'lifetime.'
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the good review. I did edit the last line.
Comment from Realist101
An excellent rendition ? / description of life and death Yelena. I guess I've never thought of Death being a broom sweeping me away! Lol! Tho your style here is not funny, it's something to think about. Lovely poem my friend! x.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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An excellent rendition ? / description of life and death Yelena. I guess I've never thought of Death being a broom sweeping me away! Lol! Tho your style here is not funny, it's something to think about. Lovely poem my friend! x.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for the fun review, Susan. Yes, I guess, Death does have a broom it carries around, old crone (lol). Glad you stopped by, blessings and love, Y.
Comment from Sis Cat
I have read several sonnets in this contest. Yours resonated with me the deepest because of your insight and compassion. You always have a spiritual energy about your writing which electrifies my consciousness and sinks deep into the well of my being. You tap into the universal, into a common experience felt by all. Your sonnet exemplifies the best that a sonnet can be--an instrument for reflections and contemplation. Thank you for sharing and for caring. I wish you success in the contest.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I have read several sonnets in this contest. Yours resonated with me the deepest because of your insight and compassion. You always have a spiritual energy about your writing which electrifies my consciousness and sinks deep into the well of my being. You tap into the universal, into a common experience felt by all. Your sonnet exemplifies the best that a sonnet can be--an instrument for reflections and contemplation. Thank you for sharing and for caring. I wish you success in the contest.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the six stars and the exceptional review. It moved me deeply. It is a treat for any writer to receive such a compliment of his work. And I am honored.
Blessings and love, Y.
Comment from rama devi
Awesome introspective, contemplative sonnet, dear friend, exploring the folly of youth leading to the wisdom of aging. I like how you begin with a negative outlook and transform it, through the volta, to a positive note of wisdom delivering insight. Superb phonetics in phrasing with alliteration and other devices deftly woven in every line (not listing them all since i know you know I noticed each one). Flawless meter. Superb rhyming--especially the fresh and inventive rhyme pairs of coals and souls, gone and dawn, lure and endure!
Outstanding opening:
As we approach the autumn of our years,
our ardor slowly turns to barren coals.
Insightful perspective, universal to those of us who are midlife or beyond (I will turn fifty less than a week):
We crave our youth, alas! the time is gone -
Creative expressiveness in this marvelous mixed-metaphor (finely alliteration):
Our energy's metastasized, and death
is waiting with its broom at early dawn
to mark the doomed ones with its icy breath.
Exceptionally effective volta:
Yet we have inner strength, and we survived
the trials and errors that we did endure.
Our egos at full blast, we make the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!
I love the voicing. Just one tiny nit--I think MAKE would be best as MADE in line three, since the wisdom of aging helps one stop 'making the dive'--so past tense on that makes more sense (to me) in this context.
* pitch perfect closing couplet theme:
And when our journey ends at heaven's gate,
we rest and pause - a lifelong was the wait.
But note two suggestions:
1) Heaven's instead of heaven's (since it is a place 'with a gate', it is a proper noun)
2) we rest and pause - a lifelong was the wait.
This line is acceptable as it is, though i personally do not favor reversed syntax, I can see how some readers find it 'poetic'... but I can't help thinking it could be improved with minor tweaking. Some ideas:
we rest and pause - how lifelong was the wait.
we rest and pause - as lifelong was the wait.
we rest and pause - a long life we did wait.
mmmm--I don't like any of my suggestions either! I think this closing line is fine but could be stronger if revised.
Otherwise, this sonnet leans toward a six caliber work. Bravo.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Awesome introspective, contemplative sonnet, dear friend, exploring the folly of youth leading to the wisdom of aging. I like how you begin with a negative outlook and transform it, through the volta, to a positive note of wisdom delivering insight. Superb phonetics in phrasing with alliteration and other devices deftly woven in every line (not listing them all since i know you know I noticed each one). Flawless meter. Superb rhyming--especially the fresh and inventive rhyme pairs of coals and souls, gone and dawn, lure and endure!
Outstanding opening:
As we approach the autumn of our years,
our ardor slowly turns to barren coals.
Insightful perspective, universal to those of us who are midlife or beyond (I will turn fifty less than a week):
We crave our youth, alas! the time is gone -
Creative expressiveness in this marvelous mixed-metaphor (finely alliteration):
Our energy's metastasized, and death
is waiting with its broom at early dawn
to mark the doomed ones with its icy breath.
Exceptionally effective volta:
Yet we have inner strength, and we survived
the trials and errors that we did endure.
Our egos at full blast, we make the dive
for Midas' gold - how potent is its lure!
I love the voicing. Just one tiny nit--I think MAKE would be best as MADE in line three, since the wisdom of aging helps one stop 'making the dive'--so past tense on that makes more sense (to me) in this context.
* pitch perfect closing couplet theme:
And when our journey ends at heaven's gate,
we rest and pause - a lifelong was the wait.
But note two suggestions:
1) Heaven's instead of heaven's (since it is a place 'with a gate', it is a proper noun)
2) we rest and pause - a lifelong was the wait.
This line is acceptable as it is, though i personally do not favor reversed syntax, I can see how some readers find it 'poetic'... but I can't help thinking it could be improved with minor tweaking. Some ideas:
we rest and pause - how lifelong was the wait.
we rest and pause - as lifelong was the wait.
we rest and pause - a long life we did wait.
mmmm--I don't like any of my suggestions either! I think this closing line is fine but could be stronger if revised.
Otherwise, this sonnet leans toward a six caliber work. Bravo.
Good luck in the contest.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for this superb review and constructive suggestions, dear Rama - I adhered to them all. I replaced "a lifelong" with "a lifetime" [was the wait] in the last line. I am so happy you enjoyed my sonnet, dear friend. Love, Yelena
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Thanks for your gracious response. Good edit, dear friend! Tons of Love, rd
Comment from tfawcus
A pretty pessimistic view of old age in the first two stanzas. "Our ardor slowly turns to barren coals". I'm intending to stay young for a bit longer! Nice turn of perspective in the third. Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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A pretty pessimistic view of old age in the first two stanzas. "Our ardor slowly turns to barren coals". I'm intending to stay young for a bit longer! Nice turn of perspective in the third. Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you for your review and feedback, Tony. Blessings and love, Y.
Comment from krys123
Yelena'
-the proper spelling or metastasize and you have an i as in metast(i)sized.
-Otherwise than this small faulty your rest of your writing is absolutely wonderfully written.
-I find your rhyming to be well done and each of your rhyming words are supportive and contingent to the meaning and concept of each of your lines therefore making your rhythm to flow so smoothly.
-Neither of your rhyming's are forced nor labored which was also helpful in your rhythmic flow.
-Your rhythm is absolutely well done as your rhythmic meter is iambic pentameter and your cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making your reading clear, fluid and very easy.
-The structural content of your sonnet follows the requirements for the structural verses of your sonnet.
-The picture is very relative metaphorically and very appropriate for your contextual and conceptual theme.
-You speak of light is not having longevity so we must prepare for our ending days that we may righteously be accepted into heaven: "And what our journey ends at Heaven's Gate, we rest and pause-a lifelong was the wait."
-Good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Yelena'
-the proper spelling or metastasize and you have an i as in metast(i)sized.
-Otherwise than this small faulty your rest of your writing is absolutely wonderfully written.
-I find your rhyming to be well done and each of your rhyming words are supportive and contingent to the meaning and concept of each of your lines therefore making your rhythm to flow so smoothly.
-Neither of your rhyming's are forced nor labored which was also helpful in your rhythmic flow.
-Your rhythm is absolutely well done as your rhythmic meter is iambic pentameter and your cadence, timing and tempo wall helpful in making your reading clear, fluid and very easy.
-The structural content of your sonnet follows the requirements for the structural verses of your sonnet.
-The picture is very relative metaphorically and very appropriate for your contextual and conceptual theme.
-You speak of light is not having longevity so we must prepare for our ending days that we may righteously be accepted into heaven: "And what our journey ends at Heaven's Gate, we rest and pause-a lifelong was the wait."
-Good luck in the contest and may the good Lord be with you always my friend.
Alex
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Alex,
Thanks for the great review and editing suggestion - it has been implemented. I am glad you enjoyed my sonnet.
Blessings and love, my friend, Yelena
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You are very welcome Yelena;
Alex
Comment from foxangie123
Oh my this brought tears to my eyes. I'm not even sure what to say beyond the fact it is exceptional. This is open ended hope even unstoppable as we journey to the next life. Awesome.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Oh my this brought tears to my eyes. I'm not even sure what to say beyond the fact it is exceptional. This is open ended hope even unstoppable as we journey to the next life. Awesome.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for the exceptional review and the honor of six stars, dear friend. Your review moved me deeply. Blessings and love, Y.
