The Daredevil Girls From Bunker Hil
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "The Proposition"A fantasy novel about good fighting evil.
21 total reviews
Comment from cflorian8
The difficulty with keeping personal secrets is terrifying for anyone because of the possible consequences that might result due to the reveal. This fact of Nancy's life makes her relatable to many people. Rhonda, your description of Nancy was well planned and well executed. I love the build up and the concept of Science teacher turned superhero. The icing on the cake was the lead up to the next chapter, what is the principal's secret mission for Nancy and what is her motivation? This chapter was an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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The difficulty with keeping personal secrets is terrifying for anyone because of the possible consequences that might result due to the reveal. This fact of Nancy's life makes her relatable to many people. Rhonda, your description of Nancy was well planned and well executed. I love the build up and the concept of Science teacher turned superhero. The icing on the cake was the lead up to the next chapter, what is the principal's secret mission for Nancy and what is her motivation? This chapter was an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2016
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Hmm, funny you should ask about her mitivation. Not everyone caught that tidbit.
Thank you for going back to read as it does help with the overall flow. I am so happy to have you reading and reviewing my work. You are appreciated,
Rhonda
Comment from Ric Myworld
I see the worms crawling every where all ready. But, I don't see you getting out of telling these stories for the school. Thanks for the pleasure of reading another fine chapter. :-)
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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I see the worms crawling every where all ready. But, I don't see you getting out of telling these stories for the school. Thanks for the pleasure of reading another fine chapter. :-)
Comment Written 25-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2016
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It's true, poor Nancy is going to have to face many of her fears in the upcoming days, including having to tell her stories. Thaks for the review,
Rhonda
Comment from Shirley McLain
Love the story line and you wrote it very well. I didn't see a thing I would change. You held my interest to the end by keeping it active and moving. I'd like to read more. Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Love the story line and you wrote it very well. I didn't see a thing I would change. You held my interest to the end by keeping it active and moving. I'd like to read more. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much, Shirley. I will post the next chapter this weekend. Thanks for taking the time to read, and I do hope you follow!
Rhonda
Comment from mfowler
This is great, Rhonda. The whole premise as it is revealed in this chapter, is fascinating. A supernatural child detective trying to escape the burdens of being a member of the Daredevil Girls, becomes a teacher in adulthood, but her industrious principal tracks her down and exposes her secret with a devious little face saving trick involving a student in Nancy's class. Her nervousness and embarrassment at being sprung are shown powerfully in her actions and dialogue. There's a great blend of purposeful SHOW and well composed TELL used to move the narrative along. Your denouement is perfect as the principal asks her to speak at assemblies, something she's very reticent about.
One suggestion:
In the air hung an air of heaviness...awkward...suggest: but something hung heavy in the air.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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This is great, Rhonda. The whole premise as it is revealed in this chapter, is fascinating. A supernatural child detective trying to escape the burdens of being a member of the Daredevil Girls, becomes a teacher in adulthood, but her industrious principal tracks her down and exposes her secret with a devious little face saving trick involving a student in Nancy's class. Her nervousness and embarrassment at being sprung are shown powerfully in her actions and dialogue. There's a great blend of purposeful SHOW and well composed TELL used to move the narrative along. Your denouement is perfect as the principal asks her to speak at assemblies, something she's very reticent about.
One suggestion:
In the air hung an air of heaviness...awkward...suggest: but something hung heavy in the air.
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Wow, your review is better than the story. Can I use this on the book cover? Wow, thanks for the six stars and the beautiful and detailed review. You're right, I did use "air" twice. Thanks for pointing it out. I love for people to find the mistakes. It sure helps clean things up.
Rhonda
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Rhonda,
What a wonderful piece of Fantasy Science Fiction this is! It beautifully and transparently depicts its theme.
Wording is simple, impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth, spontaneous and captivating flow from the beginning to the end, scattering positive waves all around us.
Description of Nancy, the classroom activities and the Principal's healthy attitude are particularly noteworthy.
Interesting and educative - WHOLESOME!
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Hello Rhonda,
What a wonderful piece of Fantasy Science Fiction this is! It beautifully and transparently depicts its theme.
Wording is simple, impressive and perfectly matching the theme.
Smooth, spontaneous and captivating flow from the beginning to the end, scattering positive waves all around us.
Description of Nancy, the classroom activities and the Principal's healthy attitude are particularly noteworthy.
Interesting and educative - WHOLESOME!
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Thank you, first for the absolutely flowing description, and review! Details are so helpful to an author, as I'm sure you know. Thank you, also, for the six stars, especially this late in the week. You review is appreciated and respected. Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A well written chapter, Rhonda - the characters
now established and the speech flowing naturally..
one little typo:
hung in air of heaveieness -
...............heaviness
Surgery is over and now I'm relaxing all I can to build
up my energy - just thought I'd pop in for a short while.
Blessings,
Margaret
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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A well written chapter, Rhonda - the characters
now established and the speech flowing naturally..
one little typo:
hung in air of heaveieness -
...............heaviness
Surgery is over and now I'm relaxing all I can to build
up my energy - just thought I'd pop in for a short while.
Blessings,
Margaret
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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I am so glad to know that you are doing well. I know that energy is the hardest thing to recover afterwards. I'm glad you decided to pop in and check on us. Maybe if will keep your mind off the pain.
Thanks for noticing the Spag. It's funny what slips by when you are trying to edit. Even microsoft didn't catch it. You're the best.
Hopes and prayers for your quick recovery,
Rhonda
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day mate. I love the way this is heading. You let this build from the beginning very nicely with mystery and intrigue and did it with great finesse and style.
"Nancy's hope that ten years had been long enough for people to forget was now completely and irrevocably, disproved." (I know exactly how she feels lol.)
""Who do you think gave me the newspaper article?"(Damn! You have to love a traitor!)
"What was it about a principal's office that could cause even a grown woman panic?" (I hear ya!)
"She had only been there once before, and that (was) when she interviewed for her job."
I'm looking forward to reading more of your brilliant crafstmanship my friend. Bring it on!
Lovely work.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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G'day mate. I love the way this is heading. You let this build from the beginning very nicely with mystery and intrigue and did it with great finesse and style.
"Nancy's hope that ten years had been long enough for people to forget was now completely and irrevocably, disproved." (I know exactly how she feels lol.)
""Who do you think gave me the newspaper article?"(Damn! You have to love a traitor!)
"What was it about a principal's office that could cause even a grown woman panic?" (I hear ya!)
"She had only been there once before, and that (was) when she interviewed for her job."
I'm looking forward to reading more of your brilliant crafstmanship my friend. Bring it on!
Lovely work.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much for reviewing, Fez, especially with your internet issues! I also like the way you detail your responses after the parts you like or think needs correcting. That is so helpful.
Take care, and keep up your own writing. We miss you when you aren't here!
Rhonda
Comment from frogbook
This is the first chapter I have seen but I found it quite intriguing and certainly a tribute to your father to continue his stories. Great read that held my interest throughout with it's captivating characters.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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This is the first chapter I have seen but I found it quite intriguing and certainly a tribute to your father to continue his stories. Great read that held my interest throughout with it's captivating characters.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I am so glad you read the chapter. There have only been two before this, and you are welcome to check them out on my profile page, but there's not much in the way of story to catch up on. You can pretty much take it from here. Thanks so much,
Rhonda
Comment from P1
i am not a huge fan of si fi but i
really enjoyed this one. your background
notes made it easy to follow having not
read previous chapters, i look forward
to reading more of this
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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i am not a huge fan of si fi but i
really enjoyed this one. your background
notes made it easy to follow having not
read previous chapters, i look forward
to reading more of this
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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I am so glad you decided to read it, Paige, and it isn't Sci Fi in the sense many are. It's more fantasy, but it's hard sometimes to know what category to put book in. Thanks for taking the time to read and review,
Rhonda
Comment from William Ross
Excellent, this is the 2nd or 3rd I've read and these are just great. I hope you have a lot of success on this. They are written great, Great story. i enjoy reading them i'm sure young people will all over.
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Excellent, this is the 2nd or 3rd I've read and these are just great. I hope you have a lot of success on this. They are written great, Great story. i enjoy reading them i'm sure young people will all over.
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jan-2016
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Thank you so much, William, and as it is just the third chapter, you haven't missed any. I hope you read the rest. I appreciate your interest and attention.
Rhonda
