Comment from Zinnia48

Excellent

Well, Dean--You know how much I adore your work. Never mind that I started reading this during supper (fried chicken no less). You have such a "homesy" way of spinning a yarn. I aspire to have that clarity and simplicity/directness. Your descriptions are so visual, and the sounds added another layer of intensity. Which brings me to the ending which feels a little weak. Usually I feel broadsided by your endings, but this was really predictable. However--an enjoyable read! Caroline

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you for telling me what worked and what didn't work so well, Caroline. This was a bit tame but only because it's for a Dark Side of Christmas Contest.
I appreciate your comments very much. Perhaps I'll spice it a bit, huh?
~Dean

reply by Zinnia48 on 07-Dec-2015

Not so much spice as a surprise ending. I know you are struggling. Quaker's have a saying about holding people in the Light! Which is where I am holding you as you work your way through this heartache. I am thrilled to be able to be part of your creative process. Caroline

reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

When we stop listening to those who care enough to read what we've written and who offer suggestions for improvements, then we may as well close the lid to our laptops, put away the pen and paper, and simply walk away.

I did do my best to keep the horror until the very end.

However, I don't know how you could have made the connection between mannequins being possessed by the burned spirits and ghosts of the dead who perished in the Mulberry because I didn't mention mannequins until almost the very end of the story.

I had to mention them at some point. They're an integral part of the story.~Dean

reply by Zinnia48 on 08-Dec-2015

What can I say--you are one of my favorite Fan Story writers, and I appreciate being in conversation with you! Caroline

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

And I you, Caroline.
Thank you!
Hugs...
~Dean :)

Comment from I am Cat

Excellent

well...that's pretty dark... especially when the lights are off... ;)
heheheh, you always make me go... MY TURN!
;)
yeah, I know,,, i"m thinking, I'm thinking... lol
love it.

well done .. .just a couple of thoughts below!
Cat

Talk about puttin' a damper on your holidays. I can't think of nothin' worse than havin' your kid hauled out on a stretcher on Christmas Eve lookin' like some reject from an Easy-Bake Oven.
(I absolutely LOVED these lines! )

I'll give you one good guess who's 'sposed to have the Christmas displays in Sportswear set( )up in time for the grand opening tomorrow on Christmas morning? (I think this should be two words, because of the way it's used?)

Cat

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thanks for reading, cat, and for pointing out the error in punctuation.
Much obliged...
~Dean

Comment from write hand blue

Excellent

A nice BBQ tale for Christmas, Dean. You have weaved an atmosphere of supernatural dread with the expectation of some demonic activity.

Charlie finds a couple of talkative, walking, mannequins and takes them over to the City Convention Centre. That would liven up the party no end. Heh! Heh!

That's the sort of thing I would write. Black humour.

Best of luck in the competition. :) Mel.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Mel. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

reply by write hand blue on 07-Dec-2015

Dean, I've just read your story again. And I think you have succeeded as well as can be expected in a short story.
The sir name Münchhausen caught my eye. I thought the story was going to be about that murderous mental disease;- Münchhausen by proxy. I would imagine you have heard of it.
:) Mel.

reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Yes, I certainly have, that's why I chose that particular last name. Was Charlie crazy, or was what he experiencing real?

Hard to say, really...

~Dean

Comment from Unspoken94

Excellent

This is choice! Imagining mannequins carrying the souls of all those who perished in the fire the year before. That's an eerie feeling if you're alone with many of them and you are working close to so many.
When I was in college, I worked security for a large department store and I can
remember walking past certain mannequins and suddenly a chill would come over me. Well you just described this for me. -Bill

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Bill. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

Comment from Muffins

Excellent

The joys of the holidays are about to miss Charlie and send him a hellfire of pain. This story has all the stuff that makes Christmas time a , hush don't speak on it, ugly time, no bonus, greedy shoppers, greedy bosses, underpaid anger employees and mannequins looking to have some bloody fun.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Muffins. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

Comment from Rosalyne

Excellent

Hi, Dean.
This is a great story that sure describes the dark side of Christmas. The story is wonderfully dark and eerie, a perfect horror that leaves the reader looking over their shoulder. You are truly a master of horror.
Best of luck in the contest.
Bye
Rosalyne :)

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Rosalyne. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

reply by Rosalyne on 08-Dec-2015

Hi, Dean.
Your story is great! You did everything you set out to do and more. I'm sorry if my review indicated else wise. Your writing is excellent and a treat to read!
Bye
Rosalyne :)

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

No worries, Ros. I thought your comments were more than fair, I simply wasn't feeling particularly wordy yesterday. I do appreciate your feedback and reviews.
Hugs!
~Dean :}

Comment from krys123

Excellent

Dean;
-I miraculously love how you leave the imagination to the reader to think the worst enter let the reader see things that isn't there and to hear things that isn't heard. You must relish with the thought of scaring the daylights out of people and you do a exceptional job in doing so.
-now old Charlie on Christmas Eve is left with a bunch of manikins probably coming alive with the souls of who died the year before during that Christmas fire. Manikins were possessed by the souls of the dead who burn the year before. Now that makes a heck of a story and a scary one at that.
-I also like how you arrange the pictures within the story so one can elevate their senses by looking at the pictures and reading the words.
-thanks for sharing and posting this my friend and may the good Lord be with you always.
Alex

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Alex. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

reply by krys123 on 08-Dec-2015

Yes Dean, you accomplish that very well. And you are so very welcome and also have a very happy holiday.
Alex

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

Thanks, and you do the same, Alex.
~Dean

reply by krys123 on 09-Dec-2015

you are most welcome Dean.
Alex

Comment from Michaelk

Excellent

At least he wont have to worry about unwrapping them. Just hand them their out fits and tell them where to stand. If they get mouthy, have a lighter and several cans of spray paint ready to torch 'em.
Great entry. You really drew me in with the narrative. I could picture poor Charlie sitting in his guard shack.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Mike. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another creepy tale from the author here. I wonder if Charlie Munchausen is anything to Baron Munchausen. This is a bloody way to ring in Christmas. Merry Christmas.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Tomes. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean

reply by Tomes Johnston on 08-Dec-2015

My pleasure.

Comment from giraffmang

Excellent

Hi Dean,

A suitably eerie tale for this competition. Quite restrained, it felt like an old fashioned story. the kind I love for this time of the year.

Good stuff, and good luck in the competition.

G

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you, Gareth. I didn't want the story to be overtly violent or bloody, but to convey more of a sense of dread than anything else.
Hopefully I've succeeded in doing so.
Time will tell...
Thank you for your comments. ~Dean