The Conjurer, Part Six
Shaman and Scientist Meet34 total reviews
Comment from Wabigoon
Writing--
I think this is excellent. I wish I knew more about Stefano's neuropsychology. The meeting between the two worlds should be fun, could be cataclysmic.
Your writing is without problems or spags, something I think neuropsychologists found in the human brain, particularly of artists and writers. I read with ease, pleasure. Stefano is, I must say, brave for going in here. I've had some dreams like this -- presenting me with this kind of choice whether to go forward or not.
Attended an Ojibwa sweat lodge ceremony in this spirit many years ago and was...rather disappointed to discover it a fundamentalist event in many respects.
I look forward to more and may read back to get some of the background.
Thanks, I look forward to each episode. What you want, I think.
Jeff
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Writing--
I think this is excellent. I wish I knew more about Stefano's neuropsychology. The meeting between the two worlds should be fun, could be cataclysmic.
Your writing is without problems or spags, something I think neuropsychologists found in the human brain, particularly of artists and writers. I read with ease, pleasure. Stefano is, I must say, brave for going in here. I've had some dreams like this -- presenting me with this kind of choice whether to go forward or not.
Attended an Ojibwa sweat lodge ceremony in this spirit many years ago and was...rather disappointed to discover it a fundamentalist event in many respects.
I look forward to more and may read back to get some of the background.
Thanks, I look forward to each episode. What you want, I think.
Jeff
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, Jeff. You are a man of your word! Thanks for the great review and generous rating.
You've made a good point, and I plan to address it more in the next two parts. Since this is a short story, albeit a long one, I can't delve into the psyche as much as I'd like. But Stefano's scientific viewpoint will be more obvious as the situation gets more threatening to his ego. Hopefully, it will
satisfy your curiosity.
Glad you're on board...
Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
Great story and I can't wait to read more. I want to find out more about the Shaman. You kept the chapter active and filled with tension. Excellent job. Shirley
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Great story and I can't wait to read more. I want to find out more about the Shaman. You kept the chapter active and filled with tension. Excellent job. Shirley
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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I'm glad you enjoyed the chapter, Shirley. The shaman is a character I'm enjoying very much, too. His quirks will be more apparent in the next part.
Thank you so much for the generous and encouraging review. I appreciate it!
:) Bev
Comment from Adri7enne
In your previous chapter ending: "Puente had KNOWS something was going to happen to the truck...." KNOWN.
I enjoyed your descriptions of his reactions to the hawk. I'm sure if one were having some strange kind of spiritual experience, the mind would quickly search for rational explanations. "Resorting to reason helped calm me." Made sense.
You seem very familiar with this terrain and you describe it well. You must have lived near the desert at one point, or you've done extensive research. It sounds very authentic.
"STRICT close! " STICK.
You sure do build tension in this chapter, Bev. Looks like the shaman is taking over Doctor Morales' life. Well done, Bev!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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In your previous chapter ending: "Puente had KNOWS something was going to happen to the truck...." KNOWN.
I enjoyed your descriptions of his reactions to the hawk. I'm sure if one were having some strange kind of spiritual experience, the mind would quickly search for rational explanations. "Resorting to reason helped calm me." Made sense.
You seem very familiar with this terrain and you describe it well. You must have lived near the desert at one point, or you've done extensive research. It sounds very authentic.
"STRICT close! " STICK.
You sure do build tension in this chapter, Bev. Looks like the shaman is taking over Doctor Morales' life. Well done, Bev!
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much for your superb review and suggestions, Adrienne. I hate making dumb mistakes. It's those last minute changes that do me in every time.
So glad you're still following the story. Your encouragement has been very helpful. And your generosity is much appreciated.
Happy Thanksgiving!
:) Bev
Comment from Paul Greatrix
I sense you have been writing a good while. Your style feels very well practiced. It has a tempo about it that one only achieves through hours of crunching words. A very professional, polished piece of writing indeed. And the first person perspective suits you perfectly.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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I sense you have been writing a good while. Your style feels very well practiced. It has a tempo about it that one only achieves through hours of crunching words. A very professional, polished piece of writing indeed. And the first person perspective suits you perfectly.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you, Paul. I appreciate your really kind words of encouragement. I've been on FanStory for nearly five years, have talken a number of classes here, and do try to read books and continue to improve. From where I started, I've come a long way. Thanks, especially, for the mention of the first person perspective. That's especially nice as it scared the heck out of me for a long time!
I appreciate your generosity and support.
:) Bev
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting post that the author has created with this piece of writing. Indeed Shamans are mystics, conjurers and medicine men and the female protégé is a nice touch.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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This is an interesting post that the author has created with this piece of writing. Indeed Shamans are mystics, conjurers and medicine men and the female protégé is a nice touch.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, Tomes. Thanks for your great review. Yes, the female protege will be making an appearance very soon!
:) Bev
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Well done
Comment from rama devi
Excellent, dear. I notice the changes you've made since our edit yesterday...much improved. I'm impressed with your efforts! I especially like how you added to the opening...works well! MUch better than the 'knee-line'. Much more descriptive with word choices like perplexing, grabbed, thumping, Rousing
Outstanding simile: Flipping through its pages was like making my way across a frozen pond.
Much better phrasing here:
My extensive experience in dealing with delusional personalities would serve me well in my next meeting with the shaman.
Good insight: It was my belief he'd deliberately created a scenario foreign to the average American, resulting in disorientation.
God expansion and fleshing out of the internal landscape:
I had to admire the masterful way he pulled this off. But I would insist on a straight answer as to how he was able to accomplish this feat as well as his over-the-top disappearing act. Admittedly, better odds of winning the lotto.
Optional comma for pause effect:
Internally, I was caught up in the picture of how he might react to this challenge(,) when a dark shape pulled my attention away from the pages.
This is far superior to yesterday's version:
It took me a minute to absorb what I was seeing through the window. That's a red-tailed hawk. It's keeping pace with the Cadillac as if we're in a race together!
Fun simile: I wanted to giggle like a four-year-old finding Santa's milk glass empty,
Bev, dear--I'm so deeply proud of the progress in this opening! You ROCK!
Nice simile modification: much like a sojourner looking up just as a falling star traces a line through the desert sky.
Eloquently voiced! :)
Love this simile too:
Then, quick as the spark of a firefly, the hawk disappeared.
*
We crested a hill and halfway down the other side, Puente swerved to the right.
We crested a hill, and halfway down the other side, Puente swerved to the right.
*At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor, and I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
Great SIMILE there! It's optimal to avoid two ANDS in this semi-long sentence, IMHO. Some alternative ideas for your consideration:
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor; I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
Or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. I rolled from side to side like rocks in a box.
or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. Everything in the car rolled from side to side like rocks in a box.
Since rocks is plural, this last one makes most sense to me.
*the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled atop each like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
I think it sounds odd to have EACH without OTHER there. I suggest either trimming out EACH or adding in OTHER. See if other reviewers stumble on that line or not. I did yesterday and today as well. Two ideas:
the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled atop each other like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
Awesome description:
Puente's cold smile accentuated the scar marring the symmetry of his right cheek. "
* The mid-day temperature
midday is one word, I believe.
* By this time, I was heaving with anger.
This is a bit telling. it would be good to elaborate with a simile here...or a deeper description of what heaving with anger feels like either physically (describing sensations in in the body) or emotionally (via simile). Not mandatory, as heaving gives some 'show' effect there. Also, there are plenty of similes in this chapter. Still, I think using another one here would be ideal. Just my two cents, dear. :)
*His features evened out, and his eyes, once again, sparkled with humor.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this phrasing and it flows well. However, since it is ideal to use varying sentence-lengths for pacing and interest, and since so many sentences in this chapter use AND linking clauses, I think this would be a good place to trim out the AND and have a couple of short sentences:
His features evened out. His eyes, once again, sparkled with humor.
* "Strick close!
STICK (spelling typo)
This borders on a six, my dear Beb. BRAVO!
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Excellent, dear. I notice the changes you've made since our edit yesterday...much improved. I'm impressed with your efforts! I especially like how you added to the opening...works well! MUch better than the 'knee-line'. Much more descriptive with word choices like perplexing, grabbed, thumping, Rousing
Outstanding simile: Flipping through its pages was like making my way across a frozen pond.
Much better phrasing here:
My extensive experience in dealing with delusional personalities would serve me well in my next meeting with the shaman.
Good insight: It was my belief he'd deliberately created a scenario foreign to the average American, resulting in disorientation.
God expansion and fleshing out of the internal landscape:
I had to admire the masterful way he pulled this off. But I would insist on a straight answer as to how he was able to accomplish this feat as well as his over-the-top disappearing act. Admittedly, better odds of winning the lotto.
Optional comma for pause effect:
Internally, I was caught up in the picture of how he might react to this challenge(,) when a dark shape pulled my attention away from the pages.
This is far superior to yesterday's version:
It took me a minute to absorb what I was seeing through the window. That's a red-tailed hawk. It's keeping pace with the Cadillac as if we're in a race together!
Fun simile: I wanted to giggle like a four-year-old finding Santa's milk glass empty,
Bev, dear--I'm so deeply proud of the progress in this opening! You ROCK!
Nice simile modification: much like a sojourner looking up just as a falling star traces a line through the desert sky.
Eloquently voiced! :)
Love this simile too:
Then, quick as the spark of a firefly, the hawk disappeared.
*
We crested a hill and halfway down the other side, Puente swerved to the right.
We crested a hill, and halfway down the other side, Puente swerved to the right.
*At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor, and I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
Great SIMILE there! It's optimal to avoid two ANDS in this semi-long sentence, IMHO. Some alternative ideas for your consideration:
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor; I found myself rolling from side to side like rocks in a box.
Or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. I rolled from side to side like rocks in a box.
or
At one point, my notebook lifted off my lap and fell to the floor. Everything in the car rolled from side to side like rocks in a box.
Since rocks is plural, this last one makes most sense to me.
*the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled atop each like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
I think it sounds odd to have EACH without OTHER there. I suggest either trimming out EACH or adding in OTHER. See if other reviewers stumble on that line or not. I did yesterday and today as well. Two ideas:
the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
the terrain changed to clay-colored boulders piled atop each other like dice tossed by the hands of the gods.
Awesome description:
Puente's cold smile accentuated the scar marring the symmetry of his right cheek. "
* The mid-day temperature
midday is one word, I believe.
* By this time, I was heaving with anger.
This is a bit telling. it would be good to elaborate with a simile here...or a deeper description of what heaving with anger feels like either physically (describing sensations in in the body) or emotionally (via simile). Not mandatory, as heaving gives some 'show' effect there. Also, there are plenty of similes in this chapter. Still, I think using another one here would be ideal. Just my two cents, dear. :)
*His features evened out, and his eyes, once again, sparkled with humor.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this phrasing and it flows well. However, since it is ideal to use varying sentence-lengths for pacing and interest, and since so many sentences in this chapter use AND linking clauses, I think this would be a good place to trim out the AND and have a couple of short sentences:
His features evened out. His eyes, once again, sparkled with humor.
* "Strick close!
STICK (spelling typo)
This borders on a six, my dear Beb. BRAVO!
Love,
rd
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Dear Rama, thank you so much for your continued good advice. I definitely will make sure future editing projects are in Word because I probably did not see all the edit changes you made yesterday.
You've offered some great further suggestions which I've gladly incorporated.
I'm out of nominations for ROM as you surely deserve one.
Thanks again!
Hugs, Bev
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Thanks for your gracious reply, dear Bev and the virtual nom too. I sent the edits in Word...so am wondering why not all would show up? Shall I send again? IN track changes, you can choose a viewing mode...so it needs to be selected iwth the option to show mark up of changes.
Lots of Love and Hugs,
rd
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Oh, that probably explains why it was all in the text. I do know it's been highlighted before. With your two edits, I think we've got the bases covered this time. Thanks for the reminder, and for all your help, Rama. The encouragement is most heart-warming.
XOO Bev
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My pleasure, dear. So glad to be of help. Your receptivity is most heartwarming too! xxxx0000 Light & Love, rd
Comment from royowen
Apparently Dr. Morales thinks that he was going to depart for Texas the next day, but Puerto gone to settle the bill and pick up the Doctor's belongings, earlier there had been a hawk flying alongside his vehicle, mysterious. I'm enjoying the sheer mystique sorrounding this story, and particularly Pasquale, well done, Bev, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Apparently Dr. Morales thinks that he was going to depart for Texas the next day, but Puerto gone to settle the bill and pick up the Doctor's belongings, earlier there had been a hawk flying alongside his vehicle, mysterious. I'm enjoying the sheer mystique sorrounding this story, and particularly Pasquale, well done, Bev, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, Roy. I really appreciate the way you've continued to support my story. Means a lot to me!
:) Bev
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Most welcome. Bev
Comment from Ulla
This is a wonderful write,and your descriptions of the characters and places is so vividly told that I feel I'm virtually there. The story line is intriguing and you've got me hooked on this story.
Two small things:
In your 'previous chapter ending' : Puente had knows something...= Puente had known...
Universidad Professorvier = profesor de la Universidad in Spanish
I am enjoying this story. All the best. Ulla
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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This is a wonderful write,and your descriptions of the characters and places is so vividly told that I feel I'm virtually there. The story line is intriguing and you've got me hooked on this story.
Two small things:
In your 'previous chapter ending' : Puente had knows something...= Puente had known...
Universidad Professorvier = profesor de la Universidad in Spanish
I am enjoying this story. All the best. Ulla
Comment Written 22-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, Ulla. Thank you so much for this grand review. I, especially, appreciate the correct term for University Professor. So grateful you know Spanish! Using the online translator is pretty much useless.
It's great to know you have my back.
:) Bev
Comment from fafa
The supernatural histories have a specialdelight, a very good plate and the highcapacity of the author, my congratulationsand greetings
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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The supernatural histories have a specialdelight, a very good plate and the highcapacity of the author, my congratulationsand greetings
Comment Written 21-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Thank you so much, fafa. I appreciate you taking time to review this post.
:) Bev
Comment from Jay Squires
Exceptional, Bev. You are a fine writer, and it's easy to see how your chapter won the award this month. I, for one, am hooking by this book. I trust you won't lead me deeper and deeper into its mysteries and drop in and me off. LOL, it is astonishingly good!
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Exceptional, Bev. You are a fine writer, and it's easy to see how your chapter won the award this month. I, for one, am hooking by this book. I trust you won't lead me deeper and deeper into its mysteries and drop in and me off. LOL, it is astonishingly good!
Comment Written 21-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2015
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Hi, Jay. Thank you, once again, for your great insights and supportive comments. I promise I won't drop the story before bringing it to my desired end. But since it is a short story, I do need to start wrapping up sometime soon.
Hope you have a great Thanksgiving.
:) Bev
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You too, Bev.
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Thanks!
