Drinking Problem -- The Book
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "Mandolin Rain"Alcohol destroys life long friendhip
15 total reviews
Comment from Shirley E Kennedy
Wow! Pure evil indeed.
I like the way you show that even an innocent act of disobedience
can lead to dire consequences.
Cold , calculating and chilling.
It sure creeped me out.
:-) Shirley
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
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Wow! Pure evil indeed.
I like the way you show that even an innocent act of disobedience
can lead to dire consequences.
Cold , calculating and chilling.
It sure creeped me out.
:-) Shirley
Comment Written 12-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Stay tuned. So much more to come. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from CobiDawn
The way you tell this story keeps the reader guessing as to what's going to happen next. You paint a very vivid scene. What order should the series be read in so I can really get into it and give more feedback.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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The way you tell this story keeps the reader guessing as to what's going to happen next. You paint a very vivid scene. What order should the series be read in so I can really get into it and give more feedback.
Comment Written 11-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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This Series started out with a short story called Drinking Problem.
Many FanStorians took a vested interest in that story, and this series began in response to their reaction to that little tale.
A collection of short stories called Drinking Problem - The Book ensued, and contains, in order:
Wild Blue Yonder
Fast Friends
Fist City
Teen Scene - Part 1
Teen Scene - Conclusion
Funeral Pyre
Runaway
Golden Gardens
Deranged
Mandolin Rain
Not sure if this will indeed become a full length book or not.
Many FanStorians have asked me to write one.
However, do appreciate your comments and support.
Hope this helps answer your question.
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Thanks
Comment from Linda Engel
Intense for sure. You've taken the story into the dark side. Poor Jonathan. Wait till he realizes you has kidnapped him. You have a very descriptive imagery of setting and intention as you leave you reader anxious about how Tone thinks he will pull this off without someone getting hurt. A very good chapter, intense and kept me on the edge.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Intense for sure. You've taken the story into the dark side. Poor Jonathan. Wait till he realizes you has kidnapped him. You have a very descriptive imagery of setting and intention as you leave you reader anxious about how Tone thinks he will pull this off without someone getting hurt. A very good chapter, intense and kept me on the edge.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale.
Have not decided yet if Jonathan will live to see his fifteenth birthday, or be pushing up daisies by then.
He is really good at building model airplanes. Will be find something to build to help him escape?
So many unanswered questions.
Stay tuned. Much more to come.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Very nicely written.
No problems noted.
Wording and descriptions are excellently used adding to the excitement and intrigue you are trying to present.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Very nicely written.
No problems noted.
Wording and descriptions are excellently used adding to the excitement and intrigue you are trying to present.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MelB
An intense chapter with the kidnapping of Jonathan by Tone Jenner. Great descriptions of the boy's confusion and symptoms when waking from the blow to the head.
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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An intense chapter with the kidnapping of Jonathan by Tone Jenner. Great descriptions of the boy's confusion and symptoms when waking from the blow to the head.
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from barkingdog
Good story, Brett. Too many commas. LOL
Fine build up of tension. Internal thought would have worked in places where you explain some things. Remember to show not tell.
-He liked checking (out) the skimply clad girls.[out]
-very familiar to him(, or) that danger lurked nearby.
-He needed Jonathan alive[,](--) for now. (A comma turns the word 'for' into a 'because'. An em dash gives you the pause you want.)
-colder than a block of ice(, but) he managed to survive the harsh strike.
-Just for the thrill of the chase(,) he had knocked off
-Tone was indeed brazen[,] and becoming more callous[,] with each setting sun.
- Perhaps, he would even pull its tail[,] for good measure.
- the beach[,] and unceremoniously toss
-sprawled out body[,] that lay draped across
- would be suitable(, at) least, for the short term.
-Getting the message to Professor Dungston about Jonathan's little excursion[,] and his urgent need to cough up the ransom cash[,] in exchange for the safe return of his lone progeny, occupied Tone's thoughts as he climbed into the truck.
-Then[,]he ... lot[,] and headed
-like a newborn baby(, but tears) would not come.
-Only, Jonathan wanted somebody, anybody[,] to stop the spinning world(,) so he could get off.
-side of his head(and) felt his matted(,) blonde hair.
-relentless nausea(nauseous)
symptoms
- do but lay where he was [at]
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Good story, Brett. Too many commas. LOL
Fine build up of tension. Internal thought would have worked in places where you explain some things. Remember to show not tell.
-He liked checking (out) the skimply clad girls.[out]
-very familiar to him(, or) that danger lurked nearby.
-He needed Jonathan alive[,](--) for now. (A comma turns the word 'for' into a 'because'. An em dash gives you the pause you want.)
-colder than a block of ice(, but) he managed to survive the harsh strike.
-Just for the thrill of the chase(,) he had knocked off
-Tone was indeed brazen[,] and becoming more callous[,] with each setting sun.
- Perhaps, he would even pull its tail[,] for good measure.
- the beach[,] and unceremoniously toss
-sprawled out body[,] that lay draped across
- would be suitable(, at) least, for the short term.
-Getting the message to Professor Dungston about Jonathan's little excursion[,] and his urgent need to cough up the ransom cash[,] in exchange for the safe return of his lone progeny, occupied Tone's thoughts as he climbed into the truck.
-Then[,]he ... lot[,] and headed
-like a newborn baby(, but tears) would not come.
-Only, Jonathan wanted somebody, anybody[,] to stop the spinning world(,) so he could get off.
-side of his head(and) felt his matted(,) blonde hair.
-relentless nausea(nauseous)
symptoms
- do but lay where he was [at]
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Much more to come. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi Brett. This is an interesting story and kept my interest as it was quite descriptive and you have set the scene for the next chapter only comment ( this time lol) when you told us that Johnathon had forced his hand up up to reach his hand up to touch his sore head and then in a couple of sentences later he suddenly realized he had chains around his wrists and ankles I wondered how he could have 'lifted his hand up' in the previous sentence if they were chained? and then suddenly realize they were chained further down the story ,sorry but this seemed an oversight Cheers Christine
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Hi Brett. This is an interesting story and kept my interest as it was quite descriptive and you have set the scene for the next chapter only comment ( this time lol) when you told us that Johnathon had forced his hand up up to reach his hand up to touch his sore head and then in a couple of sentences later he suddenly realized he had chains around his wrists and ankles I wondered how he could have 'lifted his hand up' in the previous sentence if they were chained? and then suddenly realize they were chained further down the story ,sorry but this seemed an oversight Cheers Christine
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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The chains were long enough to allow him some movement. Not so restrictive they pinned him to the floor. Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Brett
_ Boy, this is so sad for Jonathan.
_ You painted a much too often occurrence these days.
_ Nice end hook. Great job.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline // Jackie // Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Hi, Brett
_ Boy, this is so sad for Jonathan.
_ You painted a much too often occurrence these days.
_ Nice end hook. Great job.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jacqueline // Jackie // Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale.
Jonathan's situation will change... (for better, or for worse, is the question though?)
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from doggymad
This was an interesting write. Nice summery feel at the start that lulls the reader into a sense of peace and safety.
Great build up to the incident with Tone lurking in the background. His character is shaping up well, a nasty piece of work.
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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This was an interesting write. Nice summery feel at the start that lulls the reader into a sense of peace and safety.
Great build up to the incident with Tone lurking in the background. His character is shaping up well, a nasty piece of work.
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Tone has a long way to go. So, stay tuned. Much more to come. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
Thanks for posting another interesting read that held my attention all of the way through. You sure are a wonderful writer. I sure hope that Jonathan will get away
somehow, someway and as soon as possible, but I doubt that he will.
Kat
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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Hi Brett,
Thanks for posting another interesting read that held my attention all of the way through. You sure are a wonderful writer. I sure hope that Jonathan will get away
somehow, someway and as soon as possible, but I doubt that he will.
Kat
Comment Written 10-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 11-Nov-2015
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It is said "No matter what may be your lot in life build something on it".
Jonathan is real good at building model airplanes.
Can be build something, anything at all, to help get himself out of this situation?
Will he live to see his fifteenth birthday?
Time will tell.
So much more to come.
Stay tuned.
Your comments and support appreciated.
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I think your going to write something unusual and he will build something to get out of this situation. Why? Because you are so great at writing stories. Kat
