Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

My dear, Bev,

You are the master (the mistress?) of the whodunit. I find myself barely daring to breathe as I read!

Great chapter, my dear.

Hugs and love,

Sonali :)



[I'd was] no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge... I think you might have a typo here

As I (pushed) off from the bed and moved in the direction of the closet, a thought( pushed) past the haze:... you've got 'pushed' twice in this sentence. Change one of them?

. I dearly wanted to discover to what level he might be involved but had no time to ... how about ... I dearly wanted to discover his level of involvement , but had not time... ?

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks so much for the very helpful review, Sonali. I appreciate your suggestions and the way it improves the flow. As always, so good to hear from you, my friend.

Hugs, Bev

Comment from Cumbrianlass

Exceptional

Excellent. Like it would ever be anything but. :)

The intrigue is building. You create an atmosphere of mystery with such apparent ease.

A few comments, and one possible teeny nit:

I'd was no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge. - I think 'was' needs to be removed.

My thoughts circled like flies around a picnic lunch - excellent

His wrap-around sunglasses reflected my approach and the stern set of my features. - love these little details that you put in. Brilliant.

executed eighty thousand prisoners in one four-day period. - Wow. As much as I love the medieval period in Britain and Europe, I'm also fascinated by the south American civilizations, like the Aztecs and Maya. I visited Chichen Itza, and it was one of the most amazing experiences of my life.

Shit heel, I thought. I'd dealt with his type many times in my classes at the University--passive-aggressive personalities with zero respect for anyone in charge. - so well written, Bev.

Feeling like a classical musician struggling with the contrapuntal nuances of jazz, - superb. I can only sit in admiration for the way you turn out these phrases.

Bravo, my friend. Exceptional work.

Av

xxx

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Hi, Av. Thank you so very much for this wonderful review. I really appreciate you highlighting those few sections. I hope it doesn't sound vain to say that I liked them too! The Aztecs had a very advanced culture until the Spaniards got to them. I would LOVE to visit their pyramids someday. In fact, I've long held a fascination for Mexico, which is why I first felt moved to write this story. I do believe I had at least one past life as part of that culture. I love the food, too, minus the lard, of course.

Thanks for catching that spag. I've had a lot of good help from reviewers, and I appreciate all the care you and others put into your reviewing. Got to start by sending my posts along to Rama before putting them on the site. She's always a great help.

Great to hear from you, as always.

XoX Bev

Comment from Wabigoon

Excellent

Writing--
I get the anxieties of your character better this time, his discomfort.

I have a few "problems" to address:

I'd (was) no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge. -- "was" not necessary but this whole phrase seems clumsy.

Two men waited for a third to tee off. -- How would our hero know this? Is this specific information necessary?

Feeling like a classical musician struggling with the contrapuntal nuances of jazz, --
There's lots of "contapuntalism" in classical music so this does not strike me as the right...word here -- how about..."improvisation?"

Once again I like the flawed character of your "hero." Thanks. enjoyed this, keep it coming.

Wabigoon/Jeff

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Hi, Jeff. Thanks very much for your suggestions and excellent review. In thinking about your suggestions, I agree with the change from contrapuntal to improvisational. However, regarding the golf course scenario, Stefano is a Texan. Lots of golf courses there, and it is something of an elitist past time. Quite a contrast to the background of a Mexican shaman.

I do appreciate your continued support for my story.

:) Bev

Comment from Green Lake Girl

Exceptional

Morales's Mexican pals are short on comments. I guess he'll just have to be patient--just like your readers! LOL

More layers are added to the mystery. Everything seems suspicious. And what is up with the woman driving the clunker? You're a mistress of suspense, Bev. I can't predict what will happen next--nothing obvious here. I'm just enjoying the ride!

Your descriptions are always unique, but I particularly liked these:

"His wrap-around sunglasses reflected my approach... "

"a golf course striving for an emerald green in the midst of a desert." (Why oh why do people insist on golf courses in the desert? Goes agin' Mother Nature!)

Suggestion: Close the quote after the word "anywhere" in paragraph nine.

Excellent chapter, Bev. I was ecstatic to see your name in my inbox!

Marietta

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Hey, Marietta. Thanks for the grand review. Yes, I am pushing the limits of my readers' patience, but laying a good foundation is my priority at this point.

Stefano is being initiated into the Shaman's realm without realizing it. The events thus far are putting him into an altered state where he can't tell up from down. It's a cruel thing to do with people who are very logical by orientation, but he did bring it on himself LOL.

Puente demonstrates something that I happen to believe in quite strongly. People can be very in tune with each other, particularly when you are part of a group with a shared belief system.

I appreciate you highlighting those sections and your suggested correction. Good eye! As always, I appreciate your support and generosity.

:) Bev

reply by Green Lake Girl on 09-Nov-2015

You're welcome. Don't concern yourself with your eager fans--the quality of the story comes first, as you pointed out. That's why you're always six-worthy! :)

reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks, again, Marietta. I appreciate your patience :)

Comment from Joy Graham

Excellent

You have my curiosity in this story line.

I'm amazed that you are taking on a male character and that he is a neuropsychologist. Wow! I'd have to do a lot of research to know anything about that.

My mind keeps wandering to my vacation in Mexico. We went to Playa deal Carman on the Mexican Riviera. We went on a tour bus through the jungle to a Mayan ruins. I didn't experience the desert, though.

Just one not I noticed:

"I'd was no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge." - this sentence makes no sense to me.

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Hi, Joy

Thanks for the kind review. I'll take a look at that particular sentence.

Good to hear from you.

Bev

Comment from Shirley McLain

Exceptional

Tension is building in this piece with the expectation of meeting Pasquale. Now you have the mystery of the woman in the other vehicle to think on. You did a great job and I didn't see any spag. Shirley

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thank you so much, Shirley. I really appreciate your very generous and encouraging review. Stefano is long on questions and short on answers at this point for sure.

Have a good week!

:) Bev

Comment from Tomes Johnston

Excellent

This is yet another interesting post that the author has created with this piece of work. This is an interesting look at a doctor and his dangerous quest to find a killer. This has a sense of realism to it. Well done.

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks so much, Tomes. I appreciate the support for my post.

:) Bev

reply by Tomes Johnston on 09-Nov-2015

My pleasure

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Good continuation of the last episode, they are journeying on an engagement with Senor Pasquale, the mysterious Shaman, with loud music playing Dr Morales wonders wo the person is, who seems to be a woman in the truck and the men escorting Morales. Leave the car to tend her breakdown, well done, building tension upon this story, Bev, well done, blessings, Roy

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks so much, Roy. As always, I appreciate your support and generosity.

:) Bev

reply by royowen on 09-Nov-2015

Most welcome Bev

Comment from Brett Matthew West

Excellent

Well written story that depicts how, although one carefully examines a situation, they do not at first realize what is right before their eyes. Uses terms such as "A detail begged for my attention" to better illustrate this theme.

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks so much, Brett. You are right on point about what we think may be before our eyes. I appreciate the support for this post and the good insights.

:) Bev

Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Excellent deep POV and the chapter drew me in totally. Held my attention start to finish. Superb descriptive detail. good pacing (could be improved slightly with some tightening and trimming in a few select spots noted below). Just a few spag...and a few optional suggestions for your consideration...

NOTES:

* Though I remembered checking in with the assistance of a beautiful young woman who spoke English remarkably well, having dinner and retiring to my room, there was no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge.

This is a long sentence. It is readable and works fine, but I can't help thinking that some alternatives might be optimal. Here are some ideas:

I remembered checking in with the assistance of a beautiful young woman who spoke English remarkably well. I had dinner and retired to my room. I've no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge.


or

Though I remembered checking in (with the assistance of a beautiful young woman who spoke English remarkably well), having dinner and retiring to my room, there was no trace of recall around speaking with Jorge.

or

Though I remembered checking in with the assistance of a beautiful young woman who spoke English remarkably well. Afterwards, I recall having dinner and retiring to my room, tbut not speaking with Jorge.

Great descriptive imagery here:

I ran my hands over the stubble on my chin, up my cheeks and across the top of my head as if to scrub away the cobwebs. My thoughts circled like ants around a picnic lunch,

* Jorge (had) claimed the man on his way to my room was Puente.

*

Opening the door, I was prepared to give Puente hell, but was met by a strange kid with a lazy eye and skin appearing inadequate to the task of covering his facial bones.

Best to avoid using WAS with a verb (especially twice in a row), so here's an idea, which also trims and tightens the flow:

Opening the door prepared to give Puente hell, I was met by a strange kid with a lazy eye and skin appearing inadequate to the task of covering his facial bones.

Please read both ways aloud to decide.

:)

* Furthermore, you look like you should ber attending class at the local high school,
ber--should be BE, no?


*
Puente executed a series of turns(,) and within twenty minutes we were outside the city limits.

* by their accounts, executed 80,000 (eighty thousand) prisoners in one four-day period.
*

For my safety, what's that supposed to mean?

Suggest:
For my safety? what's that supposed to mean?

or


For my safety--what's that supposed to mean?

or

For my safety...what's that supposed to mean?


*I watched as they approached the window of the front cab and spoke to the driver.

Suggest a mild trim to:

I watched them approach the window of the front cab and spoke to the driver.


*A small-boned hand--feminine in appearance--appeared outside the window.

optional suggestion:

A small-boned hand, feminine in appearance, appeared outside the window.

or

A small-boned hand (feminine in appearance) appeared outside the window.

*But she never showed her face and, after a brief cellphone conversation, the two men returned to the Cadillac, and we were back on the road.

Suggest making this two sentences:

But she never showed her face. After a brief cellphone conversation, the two men returned to the Cadillac, and we were back on the road.

or even three:

But she never showed her face. After a brief cellphone conversation, the two men returned to the Cadillac. We were back on the road.

Superb simile:

Feeling like a classical musician struggling with the contrapuntal nuances of jazz, I burned to fit all the pieces together, but would have to settle for going with the flow.

*Puente's sunglasses were back in place(,) and the way he lengthened his neck and held his head steady told me to back off for now.


* So, I went through the steps again(,) and there it was!

*When we'd first gotten close to the truck, nothing (had) seemed amiss. It was only after following it for some distance that the engine blew(had blown). Puente had known something was going to happen to the truck; I was sure of it. But how was that possible?


Excellent tension and development leading to a strong closing. Superb characterization as well.

Bravo. Close to a six, dear.

Proud of you.

Love and hugs,
rd

 Comment Written 09-Nov-2015

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reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

Dear Rama, thank you so very much for this most helpful review. I was under pressure (internally) to get this out since it had been almost two weeks and I'd gotten behind. Next time, I will definitely run it by you first! Your suggestions, as always, are superb.

Thanks so much for your support and encouragement. Working with you is always a pleasure.

Big Hug,

Bev

reply by rama devi on 09-Nov-2015

Thanks for your gracious response, as always, dear Bev. Big hugs, rd

reply by the author on 09-Nov-2015

You're very welcome, Rama. XXOO Bev

reply by rama devi on 09-Nov-2015

xxoo