Second Chances
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Apologies"Who is Zoe Vann? A second chance or a reminder?
4 total reviews
Comment from shaffer40
I began reading a chapter that included the name "Penleigh". I had to quit, and I saved some of my suggestions on a document, but now I can't find that section among your writings.
Anyway, I thought this was an interesting interchange. I liked the dialogue and the dynamics between the two people. I had some suggestions for this section that I hope you will find helpful.
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east and south asian -- should be capitalized
"Let's walk and talk," I said, walking toward the back exit to Gould Plaza.
Suggest: heading toward the back exit
OR
urging him toward the back exit
to avoid repeating "walk"
There would be less people walking around west 3rd street than 4th by the library entrance.
Suggest: There would be fewer people
West 3rd Street -- capitalized
We walked in silence for two blocks, before Tyler couldn't stay silent another moment.
Suggest: We'd walked in silence for two blocks, until Tyler couldn't stay silent for another moment.
He probably looked so sincere, so full of regret.
Suggest: I was sure he'd look sincere, full of regret.
How he'd grabbed my phone, looked through the rest of my texts, then threw the phone across the room and stormed out.
Suggest: then had thrown -- to continue past participle
Tyler touched -- extra space between two words
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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I began reading a chapter that included the name "Penleigh". I had to quit, and I saved some of my suggestions on a document, but now I can't find that section among your writings.
Anyway, I thought this was an interesting interchange. I liked the dialogue and the dynamics between the two people. I had some suggestions for this section that I hope you will find helpful.
******************************************
east and south asian -- should be capitalized
"Let's walk and talk," I said, walking toward the back exit to Gould Plaza.
Suggest: heading toward the back exit
OR
urging him toward the back exit
to avoid repeating "walk"
There would be less people walking around west 3rd street than 4th by the library entrance.
Suggest: There would be fewer people
West 3rd Street -- capitalized
We walked in silence for two blocks, before Tyler couldn't stay silent another moment.
Suggest: We'd walked in silence for two blocks, until Tyler couldn't stay silent for another moment.
He probably looked so sincere, so full of regret.
Suggest: I was sure he'd look sincere, full of regret.
How he'd grabbed my phone, looked through the rest of my texts, then threw the phone across the room and stormed out.
Suggest: then had thrown -- to continue past participle
Tyler touched -- extra space between two words
Comment Written 21-Dec-2019
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2020
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Hi - Thank you so, so much for your thoughtful and generous review! I am so sorry that I didn't respond sooner; I originally wanted to make the corrections before I responded and then I accidentally cleared my reviews and just saw this again now. I really appreciate you taking the time for such thoughtful feedback!
And also, I think you were reading my pirate story! (well, my story about Sam, before he became a pirate!) It's here, if you wanted to read it! https://www.fanstory.com/displaystory.jsp?id=493458
Thank you again! Hope you're well
Comment from RShipp
She's too easy on him... maybe? But an out-burst is an out-burst...
Another well written scene in the saga of Zo and Tyler.
Looking forward to more.
I'll try to notice when they come up. (Sorry, stupid of me. I just clicked 'fan', I think that means I will get you writings?)
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She's too easy on him... maybe? But an out-burst is an out-burst...
Another well written scene in the saga of Zo and Tyler.
Looking forward to more.
I'll try to notice when they come up. (Sorry, stupid of me. I just clicked 'fan', I think that means I will get you writings?)
Comment Written 17-Dec-2019
Comment from robyn corum
This was an interesting piece. I gathered a lot about both characters from this short story/chapter. My only recommendation is that you do consider doing a bit of editing to get rid of excess verbage. (Not trying to be rude, just sincere.) Consider that she 'walked up to him' and then in the next paragraph, he walked toward her. (Sounded like she had already closed that distance.) Figure out what you're trying to say and just say it, eliminate the excess.
I don't know if that helps -- sorry.
Otherwise, the writing was great, well-done and shows a great deal of talent. Kudos!
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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This was an interesting piece. I gathered a lot about both characters from this short story/chapter. My only recommendation is that you do consider doing a bit of editing to get rid of excess verbage. (Not trying to be rude, just sincere.) Consider that she 'walked up to him' and then in the next paragraph, he walked toward her. (Sounded like she had already closed that distance.) Figure out what you're trying to say and just say it, eliminate the excess.
I don't know if that helps -- sorry.
Otherwise, the writing was great, well-done and shows a great deal of talent. Kudos!
Comment Written 07-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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Thank you for reading and commenting! That was helpful to me, as I must have overlooked some things! Thanks again
Comment from Cletus Hardiman
Good job, my friend..... I've missed the first chapter. I will have to go back and read it, too! Thanks for sharing with all of us! Cletus Hardiman
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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Good job, my friend..... I've missed the first chapter. I will have to go back and read it, too! Thanks for sharing with all of us! Cletus Hardiman
Comment Written 07-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 07-Nov-2015
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Thank you for reading! Glad you've enjoyed it and hope you enjoy the rest of the story!
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You are most welcome, my friend! Clete
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I am sure that I will enjoy it! I looked at your site! You are a beautiful lady! :) Keep on writing! Clete
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You are welcome for my review anytime! Clete
