Immaculate
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Clubbing"A killer is on the loose
5 total reviews
Comment from Joy Graham
Oh my goodness! You're off to a great start with this story. This is a different theme for you. Well written, I didn't spot any nits. I'm not nanoing this year. I still haven't finished edits from last year's story. I think I'll make November my edit project whether I like it or not lol! Maybe I'll nano next year.
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Oh my goodness! You're off to a great start with this story. This is a different theme for you. Well written, I didn't spot any nits. I'm not nanoing this year. I still haven't finished edits from last year's story. I think I'll make November my edit project whether I like it or not lol! Maybe I'll nano next year.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, my dear :-). I don't know whether to call you Joy or Reen any more, lol. Using November as an editing month sounds like a good idea. I'm taking it as an opportunity to get myself back into writing with something fresh and unencumbered by plans or early drafts. I'm really glad you like the opening chapter!
Mike
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You can call me whatever you like, my friend :)
Comment from rama devi
Nice to see you posting here again, dear Mike. Missed your presence on site. I think this needs a warning for sexuality as well as violence, don't you? It didn't other me, but some readers may flinch at the sensuality being somewhat graphic.
Exceptional job on the deep POV and swift, intense pacing. Outstanding descriptive detail. Masterful sentence mechanics too. The closing is amazing--indicating how the 'second voice' in her head had won...hinting at her being possessed, perhaps? Anyway, thrilling and chilling!
NOTES
Awesome descriptive: audible napalm and a riot of revellers
*over-ride the body,
Override is one word, I think.
* It tasted of chemicals(,) and the cords were too springy.
AWESOME PORTRAIT HERE: Only in the centre of her black calm did she realise a bole of panic was forming in her stomach. Taking a deep breath, she smiled and hummed gently, feeling it dissipate in her spent breath. In the midst of anarchy, she was coolness personified. Such was the mind of one committed.
While this is not a genre I usually read (nor my cup of tea) I bow my head to the mastery of the write. Utterly engaging and riveting. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Nice to see you posting here again, dear Mike. Missed your presence on site. I think this needs a warning for sexuality as well as violence, don't you? It didn't other me, but some readers may flinch at the sensuality being somewhat graphic.
Exceptional job on the deep POV and swift, intense pacing. Outstanding descriptive detail. Masterful sentence mechanics too. The closing is amazing--indicating how the 'second voice' in her head had won...hinting at her being possessed, perhaps? Anyway, thrilling and chilling!
NOTES
Awesome descriptive: audible napalm and a riot of revellers
*over-ride the body,
Override is one word, I think.
* It tasted of chemicals(,) and the cords were too springy.
AWESOME PORTRAIT HERE: Only in the centre of her black calm did she realise a bole of panic was forming in her stomach. Taking a deep breath, she smiled and hummed gently, feeling it dissipate in her spent breath. In the midst of anarchy, she was coolness personified. Such was the mind of one committed.
While this is not a genre I usually read (nor my cup of tea) I bow my head to the mastery of the write. Utterly engaging and riveting. Bravo.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, RD. I wanted to open the story with something sensory and punchy - hopefully grab the reader's attention. I'm leaving the second voice open to interpretation for the moment. I'll see where the character(s) take(s) me ;-).
Apologies if I unintentionally tricked you into read something you'd have avoided, but I'm very grateful for the feedback!
I hope all things are going well for you.
Mike
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Thanks for your gracious response, dear Mike. You never trick me! I always read your posts, my friend, as you're one of the more talented and skilled writers. All is well, thanks! (ind is blissful; health is improving). Hope the same for you.
Warmly, rd
Comment from gamay
HI Fleedleflump.
This very nice and intriguing story.
Its so interesting to read.
I really enjoyed it.
Keep on coming my friend.
Have a nice day to you.
gamay
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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HI Fleedleflump.
This very nice and intriguing story.
Its so interesting to read.
I really enjoyed it.
Keep on coming my friend.
Have a nice day to you.
gamay
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Thank you, gamay :-)
Mike
Comment from Sasha
You certainly captured my full attention with this one. Lots of unanswered questions, who is she, why did she kill him, but I am sure you will eventually provide all the answers. You should know me well enough to know that I am the last person to ask to critique your work. What you call a draft always comes across as polished and perfect when I read it. I look forward to reading more of this fascinating story.
Are you still working on your other book, Lupo Dexus? I was really enjoying that one.
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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You certainly captured my full attention with this one. Lots of unanswered questions, who is she, why did she kill him, but I am sure you will eventually provide all the answers. You should know me well enough to know that I am the last person to ask to critique your work. What you call a draft always comes across as polished and perfect when I read it. I look forward to reading more of this fascinating story.
Are you still working on your other book, Lupo Dexus? I was really enjoying that one.
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 01-Nov-2015
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Greetings, my wonderful friend :-). Yes, Lupe Dexus is almost complete. I'll be posting more chapters here once NaNoWriMo is finished. For now I wanted to writer something different. This is actually a reworking of Immaculate Darkness, which I started on here some time ago. I'm so glad you liked it!
Mike
Comment from barkingdog
This is quite an introduction to your protagonist. Are we to root for her or see her as a villian? It could go either way. We don't know who he was or why she killed him. Is he a casual victim or a mark?
Lots of questions. All the more reason to read on.
:) e
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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This is quite an introduction to your protagonist. Are we to root for her or see her as a villian? It could go either way. We don't know who he was or why she killed him. Is he a casual victim or a mark?
Lots of questions. All the more reason to read on.
:) e
Comment Written 01-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 02-Nov-2015
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Hehe, thank you :-). If I've managed to intrigue, then my opening chapter has definitely done its job!
Mike
