The Conjurer, Part Four
A nest of spies35 total reviews
Comment from misscookie
I have no more stars to give.
As always you captured my attention from the start.
I enjoyed reading this chapter very much, you had me spelled bound again.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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I have no more stars to give.
As always you captured my attention from the start.
I enjoyed reading this chapter very much, you had me spelled bound again.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 27-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Thank you Cookie. The excellent five stars is just fine by me. I'm just glad you enjoyed the post.
:) Bev
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you're very welcome, until next time.
Cookie
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you're very welcome, until next time.
Cookie
Comment from boxergirl
Great job, Bev, with the continuation of your storyline. We got to see a little deeper into Stephano's imperfect character which helps the reader connect with him. Tension is still rising. Good stuff!
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Great job, Bev, with the continuation of your storyline. We got to see a little deeper into Stephano's imperfect character which helps the reader connect with him. Tension is still rising. Good stuff!
Comment Written 27-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 27-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much, BG. I really appreciate your continued support and encouragement for this story. Means a lot to me!
:) Bev
Comment from Millibrad
Although I've only read this segment of your story, I'm drawn into it. Your first person narrator does an excellent job of conveying his situation and his feelings. He is very well developed, aware of his his attributes and human weaknesses. He is someone the reader can care about, maybe even relate to. The writing is exceptional and you're moving the story along at a pace that allows for expectation and suspense. I'm glad I had six stars to give you.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Although I've only read this segment of your story, I'm drawn into it. Your first person narrator does an excellent job of conveying his situation and his feelings. He is very well developed, aware of his his attributes and human weaknesses. He is someone the reader can care about, maybe even relate to. The writing is exceptional and you're moving the story along at a pace that allows for expectation and suspense. I'm glad I had six stars to give you.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thank you so very much for this very generous review, Millibrad. I'm especially appreciative of your specific insights, as I can always use the information to become a better writer. I worried about the lack of physical action in this chapter, but felt I needed to flesh out my protagonist a bit more. So your remark on the pacing is really appreciated, as well.
:) Bev
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This is great, Bev, really great writing. I do enjoy this story very much and what an ending. Wow, this meeting will be very interesting and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Two alpha males fronting over dinner should be very interesting - really looking forward to it, Giddy
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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This is great, Bev, really great writing. I do enjoy this story very much and what an ending. Wow, this meeting will be very interesting and I can't wait to read the next chapter. Two alpha males fronting over dinner should be very interesting - really looking forward to it, Giddy
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Giddy. I'm so pleased you're enjoying my rather weird tale. Thanks for the very generous and encouraging review. It's been fun writing this extended short story--rather different than writing a novel and has its own challenges.
I like the alpha male insight. You've hit the nail on the head!
Warmest regards,
Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter and I am enjoying the read. It was active and smooth with the characters and dialogue appropriate. If I had a six I would give it to you. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Excellent chapter and I am enjoying the read. It was active and smooth with the characters and dialogue appropriate. If I had a six I would give it to you. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Shirley. Thank you for taking time to read my post. I really appreciate your support and encouragement. :) Bev
Comment from Dawn Munro
1) "I wondered now if he had induced an alternate state..." _ I've noticed this happens frequently on FS (and have slipped into the habit myself, occasionally) but I don't see it in novels I read by famous authors - this is not a question, hence the punctuation should be a period, I think, and not a question mark. (?? yes??)
2) Next, I noticed something about the continuity that jarred a bit - now it might be just me (as my brain is a bit foggy right now - I'm heading out for physio shortly), but I read it back a couple of times to try to see what I might have missed. The way it reads, with the description of his dinner (which sounds great, btw, LOL), it struck me as a bit of a skip - left me slightly confused - when suddenly he is wondering if he should go down for breakfast...?
All in all, Bev, I must say (with complete honesty, my friend) this reads like any great novel by one of the famous authors I mention earlier! NO KIDDING! I'll return to adjust the rating when I come back from physiotherapy if I can see I've made a mistake. (But I'd be less than honest and helpful if I didn't point out what I thought was a minor plot flaw.) But I didn't want to wait and have you think I wasn't reading your work!!!
That said, however, I only WISH I could write like this!
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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1) "I wondered now if he had induced an alternate state..." _ I've noticed this happens frequently on FS (and have slipped into the habit myself, occasionally) but I don't see it in novels I read by famous authors - this is not a question, hence the punctuation should be a period, I think, and not a question mark. (?? yes??)
2) Next, I noticed something about the continuity that jarred a bit - now it might be just me (as my brain is a bit foggy right now - I'm heading out for physio shortly), but I read it back a couple of times to try to see what I might have missed. The way it reads, with the description of his dinner (which sounds great, btw, LOL), it struck me as a bit of a skip - left me slightly confused - when suddenly he is wondering if he should go down for breakfast...?
All in all, Bev, I must say (with complete honesty, my friend) this reads like any great novel by one of the famous authors I mention earlier! NO KIDDING! I'll return to adjust the rating when I come back from physiotherapy if I can see I've made a mistake. (But I'd be less than honest and helpful if I didn't point out what I thought was a minor plot flaw.) But I didn't want to wait and have you think I wasn't reading your work!!!
That said, however, I only WISH I could write like this!
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Dawn. Thank you for this very generous review. Don't feel you need to adjust it. Your suggestions are very helpful and I've done a bit of tweaking to, hopefully, make the transition a bit easier. Writing flashback is a tricky matter. I know there is quite a bit in this part, and so I appreciate that you mentioned the section that jarred you. I've also changed the punctuation per your suggestion, but it did not come up with Grammarly or with Rama Devi's review. So, I'm wonder if it's one of those things that falls under current prevailing opinion. In any case, I appreciate your honesty AND your support.
Hugs, Bev
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Okay, here's the thing - I have been criticized for using "had" too much, but in tis case I think it makes it much clearer teat e is 'flashing back' to the previous night's events. Just dropping in on the chapter has actually worked to help me to see this, this time I think - you don't say anywhere that he dropped asleep, except saying "blacking out" - for clarity's sake, I think - wait a sec - this is difficult without it in front of me... be right back!
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"...the air in the room as stale and heavy so I (had) adjusted..." and then the same thing with the next statement - THEN t fact that it's a flashback becomes clear as you continue on in "present day". That's just my opinion, of course, but I suggest you try it and see what you think...??? (And it's still some of the very best/professional-calibre writing on this site, IMHO. I'm an avid reader, as you know, and I'm pointing this out because this IS such a good story!
As for the punctuation, I'm not sure, not 100% - I know Margaret does it too, and I'm in love with her writing/stories. I pointed it out to her once too, and she felt it was okay as it was...so I honestly don't know. I DO know I'll be watching far more carefully wit the next bestseller I read! LOL.
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My darn sticky keyboard! Insert "h" where it should be please. HAHAHAHA! Gah!
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Hi, Dawn. Thank you for coming back to read the post again. Your suggestions are excellent, and I've incorporated them. It's so nice to learn new tricks as I was struggling a bit with that transition. Amazes me how a well-placed word here and there can make such a difference.
Much appreciated!
XX Bev
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I don't understand this site anymore. Ever since the new system it seems we are not able to go back and change a five-star rating to a six-star. I'm sorry, Bev - I wanted to, but it won't let me.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I knew I'd need this six for you. Holy moly, Bev, this is some spectacular writing. First of all, there is no doubt we are listening to a man. Since this is being written by a woman, that, in itself, is pretty cool. I've said it before - I read a lot, and your stuff surpasses most - MOST - of what I read in the published world. I've made some comments and a couple of nit-picky suggestions that are just that - suggestions.
This is a superb post, as I would expect from you. I'm in awe.
A tourniquet of pressure ran the perimeter of my skull, and the contents of my stomach warned me they were about to take action. - See, right off the bat you come up with a brilliant (and very strong) line! I'm so jealous.
He had a salt and pepper beard and eyebrows desperate to be tamed, and he held my gaze in the manner of a collector studying an acquisition. Though it lasted but seconds, the encounter left me shaken. - Superb.
I clung to its edges like it was the last oar in the boat. - and again, brilliant.
Also, the sounds coming from my bowels were rising in pitch and frequency.
Lifting my torso, I paused to test my steadiness. Next, I slid my legs over the side of the bed and planted my feet on the floor. My final challenge was to cross to the bathroom without accident. On reaching it, I relieved my insides of their burden and felt better. - I went on holiday to Mexico once, and I remember this sensation well - it lasted all bloody night! LOL!
"This is another example of you trying to own chunks of my life." My voice was cold and my body rigid. "I'm forced to keep secrets because you don't respect my boundaries. It's why we'll never be forever, Elise." - wow.
Her face lost all color, and I (saw) the hurt in her eyes. - suggestion.
The (bedside) telephone () rang, which caught me off-guard. I answered it on the second ring.
Bravo - on a huge scale.
Av
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reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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I knew I'd need this six for you. Holy moly, Bev, this is some spectacular writing. First of all, there is no doubt we are listening to a man. Since this is being written by a woman, that, in itself, is pretty cool. I've said it before - I read a lot, and your stuff surpasses most - MOST - of what I read in the published world. I've made some comments and a couple of nit-picky suggestions that are just that - suggestions.
This is a superb post, as I would expect from you. I'm in awe.
A tourniquet of pressure ran the perimeter of my skull, and the contents of my stomach warned me they were about to take action. - See, right off the bat you come up with a brilliant (and very strong) line! I'm so jealous.
He had a salt and pepper beard and eyebrows desperate to be tamed, and he held my gaze in the manner of a collector studying an acquisition. Though it lasted but seconds, the encounter left me shaken. - Superb.
I clung to its edges like it was the last oar in the boat. - and again, brilliant.
Also, the sounds coming from my bowels were rising in pitch and frequency.
Lifting my torso, I paused to test my steadiness. Next, I slid my legs over the side of the bed and planted my feet on the floor. My final challenge was to cross to the bathroom without accident. On reaching it, I relieved my insides of their burden and felt better. - I went on holiday to Mexico once, and I remember this sensation well - it lasted all bloody night! LOL!
"This is another example of you trying to own chunks of my life." My voice was cold and my body rigid. "I'm forced to keep secrets because you don't respect my boundaries. It's why we'll never be forever, Elise." - wow.
Her face lost all color, and I (saw) the hurt in her eyes. - suggestion.
The (bedside) telephone () rang, which caught me off-guard. I answered it on the second ring.
Bravo - on a huge scale.
Av
x
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Av, this is such an awesome review. I so appreciate your very kind words of encouragement and support. The way you've taken so much time to let me know what you liked as well as suggestions for better flow just blows me away. You are such a generous lady.
I made your suggestion changes as they were, as usual, right on target. Sometimes, I swear I have some sort of dyslexia in that I construct my sentences in a backwards manner. I don't know why this is, and I don't often see it until someone comes along and says, "Do this. It makes more sense!" And it almost always does. So, thanks for being gentle with me :)
Anyway, you've made not only my day, but my week as well.
XoX Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
Dang girl,
I believe you have really turned the page on this writing thing you have always been talented but this new stuff is really good.
Again, I did not lift my eyes from the page my truest test of good writing. I will leave it to others to edit your piece. I am a solid fan and look forward to the next installment. Your character's condition in the morning was pitch perfect and the call from the desk set the tone for the upcoming adventure. My only problem with the piece is there is nothing more to read. I want more LOL.
Well Done Bev
Rob
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Dang girl,
I believe you have really turned the page on this writing thing you have always been talented but this new stuff is really good.
Again, I did not lift my eyes from the page my truest test of good writing. I will leave it to others to edit your piece. I am a solid fan and look forward to the next installment. Your character's condition in the morning was pitch perfect and the call from the desk set the tone for the upcoming adventure. My only problem with the piece is there is nothing more to read. I want more LOL.
Well Done Bev
Rob
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Rob. What a truly lovely review, my friend. I'm so grateful for your encouragement and support. You make me feel like I can really do this writing thing! I had some hesitation about this post only because it didn't get right into the interaction between Morales and the shaman. You've made me think I was right to judge my instincts and deepen the character and prolong the suspense a bit more.
Thanks so very much, Rob. Hope you have a great week!
:) Bev
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
What a treat to find a chapter from you, Bev - so informative and well presented, one can find no fault whatsoever.
Stephano didn't feel good after the night he had. He's
one determined man to learn more about Pasquale, in spite
of warning to return to the States.
like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern. - what a great descriptive line!!
I wish I had a six, but already I'm right out, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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What a treat to find a chapter from you, Bev - so informative and well presented, one can find no fault whatsoever.
Stephano didn't feel good after the night he had. He's
one determined man to learn more about Pasquale, in spite
of warning to return to the States.
like two hands on a clock inexorably linked to the cycles of time, we fell back into our old relationship pattern. - what a great descriptive line!!
I wish I had a six, but already I'm right out, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Hi, Margaret. Thank you for highlighting that section and for your absolutely grand review. I've only got one six left myself, so I fully understand. Stefano has a bit of the machismo and lots of arrogance that is often found among those who are exceptionally bright and have a certain status. It's our American version of royalty, I think.
Great to hear from you, Margaret, as always.
:) Bev
Comment from Joy Graham
Wow, you got the suspense going, Bev :) I fear for the safety of your character, but if he didn't go with the men there'd be no story. Waiting anxiously for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Wow, you got the suspense going, Bev :) I fear for the safety of your character, but if he didn't go with the men there'd be no story. Waiting anxiously for the next chapter.
Comment Written 26-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 26-Oct-2015
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Thanks so much, Joy. Glad you're enjoying my little tale. Your support is much appreciated.
Hugs, Bev
