Drinking Problem -- The Book
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Drinking Problem"Alcohol destroys life long friendhip
21 total reviews
Comment from Green Lake Girl
A very sad tale, indeed. You describe very well how events spiral out of control. Bad goes to worse. And the answer is never in a bottle of alcohol.
The drinking and driving laws are so much more strict than they used to be. I believe it must've cut down on a lot of accidents. However, the die-hard drinkers are usually not your average law abiding citizens.
Well told, Brett.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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A very sad tale, indeed. You describe very well how events spiral out of control. Bad goes to worse. And the answer is never in a bottle of alcohol.
The drinking and driving laws are so much more strict than they used to be. I believe it must've cut down on a lot of accidents. However, the die-hard drinkers are usually not your average law abiding citizens.
Well told, Brett.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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It is not just the "die-hard" drinkers who get behind the wheel and drive this could happen to.
It is anyone who drinks, no matter how little it is, and then takes it upon themselves to drive.
And there-in lies the "drinking problem".
Everybody saying it will never happen to them.
Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MelB
Wow! This is a well written piece, Brett. I was drawn in right away to the story, as my father is an alcoholic. I could feel the heartache, anger, and resentment this guy was feeling. How terrible to lose his wife and then his son by a careless person. This hits home the dangers of drinking and driving.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Wow! This is a well written piece, Brett. I was drawn in right away to the story, as my father is an alcoholic. I could feel the heartache, anger, and resentment this guy was feeling. How terrible to lose his wife and then his son by a careless person. This hits home the dangers of drinking and driving.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Drinking and driving is a major social issue that I felt needed to be addressed. So, it was. Your comments and support appreciated.
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It continues to be a problem!
Comment from Tessa Kay
Wow, this is a hard-hitting story. Both characters' lives get messed up through drinking, one way or another.
Strong stuff, very well delivered.
I've made a few notes along the way, which you may want to consider. I very much like your writing, but I hate adverbs, as you will notice. Maybe some of my notes will make sense to you.
-knock down-drag out fight, - knock-down, drag-out fight
-long before I'm done with you tonight, any way - anyway
-and will do precisely what I state I would. - tighter without the 'I would'
-he nervously questions my intentions. - can you show his nervousness, rather than tell us he's nervous? LIke a lopsided smile, looking away after glancing up, etc.
-"That was a tragic accident," he curtly tells me - better without the adverb (curtly). It is not needed as it already shows in the dialogue. Adverbs tell. Better to show only.
- from the bottle I held in my hand. - I hold in my hand
-Coldheartedly..snidely..solidly..rapidly.. -cut as many adverbs as you can. It will make for better writing. Like Coldheartedly e.g. comes out in his actions. Snidely not needed, rapidly push off in a hurry -you can't slowly push off in a hurry, so no need for rapidly. Only use adverbs if you really need to and show by actions/ body language/ viscerals instead
-Ever since we were six or seven years old. We had always been inseparable companions. - make into one sentence? Ever since we were six or seven years old, we had been inseparable companions (no need for always, as that already is implied in 'ever since')
-Nor(no comma) did the fact
-But(no comma) there is no rest
-And(no comma) the cause of all my anguish
-The other children see the vehicle bearing down on them. They manage to escape harm's way. My son never saw it coming. He was run over. Crushed beneath the impact. He dies alone. With me in Chicago. - a bit of a mix of present and past tense. Kind of ok, but may be more comfortable if stay in one tense
-Dead as a doornail - cliche. Can you think of a more original expression maybe?
Sorry, once I put my making-notes hat on, I just keep going. Toss whatever you don't like.
Thanks again for this thought-provoking tale. You've captured the character's voice so well, I'm sure, many will think this was for real.
Well done. Much enjoyed. :)
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2015
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Wow, this is a hard-hitting story. Both characters' lives get messed up through drinking, one way or another.
Strong stuff, very well delivered.
I've made a few notes along the way, which you may want to consider. I very much like your writing, but I hate adverbs, as you will notice. Maybe some of my notes will make sense to you.
-knock down-drag out fight, - knock-down, drag-out fight
-long before I'm done with you tonight, any way - anyway
-and will do precisely what I state I would. - tighter without the 'I would'
-he nervously questions my intentions. - can you show his nervousness, rather than tell us he's nervous? LIke a lopsided smile, looking away after glancing up, etc.
-"That was a tragic accident," he curtly tells me - better without the adverb (curtly). It is not needed as it already shows in the dialogue. Adverbs tell. Better to show only.
- from the bottle I held in my hand. - I hold in my hand
-Coldheartedly..snidely..solidly..rapidly.. -cut as many adverbs as you can. It will make for better writing. Like Coldheartedly e.g. comes out in his actions. Snidely not needed, rapidly push off in a hurry -you can't slowly push off in a hurry, so no need for rapidly. Only use adverbs if you really need to and show by actions/ body language/ viscerals instead
-Ever since we were six or seven years old. We had always been inseparable companions. - make into one sentence? Ever since we were six or seven years old, we had been inseparable companions (no need for always, as that already is implied in 'ever since')
-Nor(no comma) did the fact
-But(no comma) there is no rest
-And(no comma) the cause of all my anguish
-The other children see the vehicle bearing down on them. They manage to escape harm's way. My son never saw it coming. He was run over. Crushed beneath the impact. He dies alone. With me in Chicago. - a bit of a mix of present and past tense. Kind of ok, but may be more comfortable if stay in one tense
-Dead as a doornail - cliche. Can you think of a more original expression maybe?
Sorry, once I put my making-notes hat on, I just keep going. Toss whatever you don't like.
Thanks again for this thought-provoking tale. You've captured the character's voice so well, I'm sure, many will think this was for real.
Well done. Much enjoyed. :)
Comment Written 11-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments, support, and the edits are appreciated.
Comment from MaBaker
Yes this has happened so many sad times. Here in Australia with our gun laws you would have get a gun and shoot the bastard somewhere dark and private. It would give an immense amount of pleasure before the cops arrived. Regards MaBaker
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Yes this has happened so many sad times. Here in Australia with our gun laws you would have get a gun and shoot the bastard somewhere dark and private. It would give an immense amount of pleasure before the cops arrived. Regards MaBaker
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Glad you see things in that light. Works every time. Also glad you enjoyed this little story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from barkingdog
I guess that the courts considered it an accident. How wrong.
The drunk driver got what he deserved.
I'm just as adamant about texting while driving or reading texts.
I was with the father all the way. Perfect depiction of his anguish and anger.
Excellent piece, Brett.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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I guess that the courts considered it an accident. How wrong.
The drunk driver got what he deserved.
I'm just as adamant about texting while driving or reading texts.
I was with the father all the way. Perfect depiction of his anguish and anger.
Excellent piece, Brett.
:) ellen
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from MizKat
Hi Brett,
I enjoyed reading your story which I found to be really interesting. This must me one of the books you're writing. You always write things so well. I look forward to the next read.
Kat
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Hi Brett,
I enjoyed reading your story which I found to be really interesting. This must me one of the books you're writing. You always write things so well. I look forward to the next read.
Kat
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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This is a stand alone story. Not part of a book. Although some asked me to consider expanding this into a book. Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciatedl
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I thought it was very interesting. It was good at "stand alone", but I think it would make a good book too.
Comment from Cindy Warren
The main character is an asshole, but you make him human. It's sad. Prison is probably going to make him worse. His former buddy deserved more than three years. I knew someone who drove drunk and rolled his van. He broke his neck and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, but he says he's glad he didn't hurt anyone else.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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The main character is an asshole, but you make him human. It's sad. Prison is probably going to make him worse. His former buddy deserved more than three years. I knew someone who drove drunk and rolled his van. He broke his neck and he'll be in a wheelchair for the rest of his life, but he says he's glad he didn't hurt anyone else.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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He was one of the fortunate few that he only hurt himself. Glad you enjoyed this story. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from OLA THOMAS
This is a very well done realistic post. Done with minimal characters and subtle dialogues to allow a reader for easy comprehension. Nicely done, but I wish you can expand this into a book of many chapters.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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This is a very well done realistic post. Done with minimal characters and subtle dialogues to allow a reader for easy comprehension. Nicely done, but I wish you can expand this into a book of many chapters.
ola thomas
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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I may just have to take your suggestion for a book under consideration. Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Your comments and support appreciated.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. This is a very well written story and, unfortunetly, it is so very true. How many innocent children, and adults, are killed every day by drunk drivers? This is very good work.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Excellent. This is a very well written story and, unfortunetly, it is so very true. How many innocent children, and adults, are killed every day by drunk drivers? This is very good work.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Thank you. Glad you enjoyed this. Some FanStorians have completely missed the boat about what the context of this article is. Can not seem to get past the first third of the story, for some reason. Your comments and support most appreciated.
Comment from mvbrooks
This has a strong story-line and is believable. The reader can easily picture the action. It's interesting how the main character is very unlikable at first (a braggart), becomes sympathetic (on learning of his son's death) and then leaves it to the reader to decide if he is still sympathetic at the end.
Watch the grammar and voice change (contractions vs formal speech) as they distract from the story-telling. One corrected, this would likely be a six-star story.
editing note:
" Every bar needs a real good, knock down-drag out, fight, now and then, that tears the joint up. "
--omit the comma after "drag-out" as drag-out describes fight and the reader does not need to pause here.
--omit the remaining commas after "then," as it interrupts the story's flow.
-------------
"A small group of youngsters were milling around outside, after the rain subsides."
--"were milling" is past tense, so "subsides" need to be past tense -- subsided.
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"You do not murder a five year old and walk away. At least, not my five year old! "
--five-year-old is a compound adjective and needs hyphens.
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"The other patrons in the place continue minding their own affairs. "
--omit "in the place" as it's redundant.
A thought:
Your narrator goes back and forth between talking with contractions--which seem to fit his character--and talking more formally like in the sentence "The night is still young, and there is plenty of time to chill...and drink. "
--it seems more in his character to say "the night's still young and there's plenty..." The "shift" in his speaking voice was confusing in imagining his persona.
--" I want to smack him off the chair he is sitting on." again, consider "...the chair he's sitting on."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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This has a strong story-line and is believable. The reader can easily picture the action. It's interesting how the main character is very unlikable at first (a braggart), becomes sympathetic (on learning of his son's death) and then leaves it to the reader to decide if he is still sympathetic at the end.
Watch the grammar and voice change (contractions vs formal speech) as they distract from the story-telling. One corrected, this would likely be a six-star story.
editing note:
" Every bar needs a real good, knock down-drag out, fight, now and then, that tears the joint up. "
--omit the comma after "drag-out" as drag-out describes fight and the reader does not need to pause here.
--omit the remaining commas after "then," as it interrupts the story's flow.
-------------
"A small group of youngsters were milling around outside, after the rain subsides."
--"were milling" is past tense, so "subsides" need to be past tense -- subsided.
--------------
"You do not murder a five year old and walk away. At least, not my five year old! "
--five-year-old is a compound adjective and needs hyphens.
--------------
"The other patrons in the place continue minding their own affairs. "
--omit "in the place" as it's redundant.
A thought:
Your narrator goes back and forth between talking with contractions--which seem to fit his character--and talking more formally like in the sentence "The night is still young, and there is plenty of time to chill...and drink. "
--it seems more in his character to say "the night's still young and there's plenty..." The "shift" in his speaking voice was confusing in imagining his persona.
--" I want to smack him off the chair he is sitting on." again, consider "...the chair he's sitting on."
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2015
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Glad you enjoyed this little tale. Appreciate your comments, support, and the edits.
