Witness to Doomsday
an astronaut witnesses Doomsday9 total reviews
Comment from Tessa Kay
Excellent entry and a very worthy winner.
Love the parallel with the gumbo. Gives it a real nostalgic feel.
I stumbled over a couple little things I'll share with you if I may. Just my observations, but as English teacher, you probably have good reasons to keep as is:
-And remembered those last words and actions that dreadful day. - of that dreadful day? To me, the sentence would have better cadence (hope, that's the right word) with 'on' or 'of' here. Just me.
-We've wept and roared, but seldom talk. - if the connection is we've, then seldom talk should be talked. Or else add 'but we seldom talk'?
Thanks for this thrilling and at the thought of it, chilling post. Let's hope it will remain science fiction.
:) Tessa
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
  |
Excellent entry and a very worthy winner.
Love the parallel with the gumbo. Gives it a real nostalgic feel.
I stumbled over a couple little things I'll share with you if I may. Just my observations, but as English teacher, you probably have good reasons to keep as is:
-And remembered those last words and actions that dreadful day. - of that dreadful day? To me, the sentence would have better cadence (hope, that's the right word) with 'on' or 'of' here. Just me.
-We've wept and roared, but seldom talk. - if the connection is we've, then seldom talk should be talked. Or else add 'but we seldom talk'?
Thanks for this thrilling and at the thought of it, chilling post. Let's hope it will remain science fiction.
:) Tessa
Comment Written 06-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015
-
Thank you so much, Tessa, for sharing my story and your very close reading. I truly appreciate each suggestion and will definitely consider them. Rod
-
Phew, I was a little scared suggesting anything to an English teacher. Thanks so much for your gracious answer. Loved your story. :)
Comment from frogbook
Excellent. Easy to understand. Evokes emotion. Good idea and we'll written. The beginning grabbed my interest right away and the ending was gripping.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Excellent. Easy to understand. Evokes emotion. Good idea and we'll written. The beginning grabbed my interest right away and the ending was gripping.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
I am delighted you enjoyed the story so much. Thank you for sharing.
Comment from royowen
Well written, during the 50s 60s and seventies, these possibilities were rife, a nuclear holocaust seemed entirely possible, It seems to have diminished somewhat in the years since, but really still remains a distinct, the bible talks of the heavens melting in fervent heat, in end days. Well done, nicely written in articulate language, good scripting, good characters and engaging tension, enjoyable, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Well written, during the 50s 60s and seventies, these possibilities were rife, a nuclear holocaust seemed entirely possible, It seems to have diminished somewhat in the years since, but really still remains a distinct, the bible talks of the heavens melting in fervent heat, in end days. Well done, nicely written in articulate language, good scripting, good characters and engaging tension, enjoyable, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
Hi Roy. I am delighted you enjoyed the story so much. Thanks so much for sharing. Rod
Comment from mvbrooks
This story is very realistic in portraying the emotions of someone witnessing destruction but being too far away to stop it. It also seems ready for a sequel (what happens in a year as the food runs out?). The dialogue rings true and realistic.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
This story is very realistic in portraying the emotions of someone witnessing destruction but being too far away to stop it. It also seems ready for a sequel (what happens in a year as the food runs out?). The dialogue rings true and realistic.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
I am thrilled you found the story realistic AND worthy of a sequel. Thanks so much for sharing. Rod
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Hi, A riveting write. Nicely enjoyed because of effective sentence format and a great plot. I could feel Todd's anguish as he logs in the story. The point that he thinks of gumbo while the earth is being destroyed is interesting. It represents his culture also being destroyed. The duality of destruction. I liked how you also said, they were now orphans..indeed, orphans of the human race. Wow..Fabulous job my friend. Cheers.
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
|
Hi, A riveting write. Nicely enjoyed because of effective sentence format and a great plot. I could feel Todd's anguish as he logs in the story. The point that he thinks of gumbo while the earth is being destroyed is interesting. It represents his culture also being destroyed. The duality of destruction. I liked how you also said, they were now orphans..indeed, orphans of the human race. Wow..Fabulous job my friend. Cheers.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 05-Oct-2015
-
Hi Benajamin. I am thrilled you found this story "riveting." Thanks so much for the high praise. Rod
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello :)
Excellent short story about the end of the human race, or is it? I hope they get contact before their year is over, but the forecast is not good. Good job!
gypsy
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
|
Hello :)
Excellent short story about the end of the human race, or is it? I hope they get contact before their year is over, but the forecast is not good. Good job!
gypsy
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
-
I, too, hope contact is made, but my skepticism overpowers my optimism. Thanks so much for sharing my story, GBR, and for your very kind praise.
Comment from Spiritual Echo
This is brilliant. The imagery, and author;s imagination, is superb. I'll watch for the contest vote on this as I'd like to read more of your work. Some minor problems shown below. I'm certain you will win, so you might just as well have a spag-free entry. Edit suggestions shown in parenthesis.
For the record(,) should human or alien ever read this, my official designation on ISS is, or was, LT. Commander Todd Selman, Communications XO.
Selman stared out the huge window at Earth 249 million miles below. At any one moment(,) he could see almost half a continent. At this precise second, he saw most of northeast Africa and the Middle East and . . .
HERE I ALSO HAVE A PLOT PROBLEM. THE SUN IS ONLY 93M MILES FROM EARTH AND IT IS HIGHLY DOUBTFUL YOU COULD SEE EARTH, LET ALONE PLANET DETAILS FROM THIS DISTANCE
Barry had always been calm, always in control, even (CHANGE TO THE--that) day Selman almost floated off into space while trying to mend the arch-strut antennae and listen to directions simultaneously.
That first day, Europe, Asia, and (TYPO--NORTH--Noirth) America boiled and bubbled like that gumbo. Small craters appeared and only increased in number over time.
I love the analogy and the intimacy of the gumbo pot.
Superb story!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
|
This is brilliant. The imagery, and author;s imagination, is superb. I'll watch for the contest vote on this as I'd like to read more of your work. Some minor problems shown below. I'm certain you will win, so you might just as well have a spag-free entry. Edit suggestions shown in parenthesis.
For the record(,) should human or alien ever read this, my official designation on ISS is, or was, LT. Commander Todd Selman, Communications XO.
Selman stared out the huge window at Earth 249 million miles below. At any one moment(,) he could see almost half a continent. At this precise second, he saw most of northeast Africa and the Middle East and . . .
HERE I ALSO HAVE A PLOT PROBLEM. THE SUN IS ONLY 93M MILES FROM EARTH AND IT IS HIGHLY DOUBTFUL YOU COULD SEE EARTH, LET ALONE PLANET DETAILS FROM THIS DISTANCE
Barry had always been calm, always in control, even (CHANGE TO THE--that) day Selman almost floated off into space while trying to mend the arch-strut antennae and listen to directions simultaneously.
That first day, Europe, Asia, and (TYPO--NORTH--Noirth) America boiled and bubbled like that gumbo. Small craters appeared and only increased in number over time.
I love the analogy and the intimacy of the gumbo pot.
Superb story!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
-
I could not be more thrilled or delighted that you like this story so much. I truly appreciate your taking the time to point out my errors (I corrected them). I really blew it with that statistic. After consulting my notes, I discovered that the ISS is only 249 MILES (not million) above earth, so yes the view could be spectacular. Again many thanks.
-
Good luck. You got my vote.
Comment from mauial
I thought this was a very imaginative piece of writing. It's a sad commentary on human nature, that we are so destructive. Glad that this is fiction and I have faith that God will intervene before some idiots destroy us.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
|
I thought this was a very imaginative piece of writing. It's a sad commentary on human nature, that we are so destructive. Glad that this is fiction and I have faith that God will intervene before some idiots destroy us.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
-
Thank you so much for sharing my story and for your kind praise.
Comment from Nosha17
That is really funny you should include a picture of the International Space station as my daughter is working on a mission-the Cold Atom Lab at NASA and it is being launched to land on the ISS in 14 months. Well written story, rather scary scenario to witness the destruction of our planet. Well described, good amounts of drama and tension. Good luck in the contest. faye
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
|
That is really funny you should include a picture of the International Space station as my daughter is working on a mission-the Cold Atom Lab at NASA and it is being launched to land on the ISS in 14 months. Well written story, rather scary scenario to witness the destruction of our planet. Well described, good amounts of drama and tension. Good luck in the contest. faye
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
-
It must be thrilling for your daughter to work on such a project. I am delighted the movie "Martian" is getting good reviews as hopefully it will stir new interest in the space program. Thanks for sharing my story and your kind comments.
