The Diving Board
A daring rescue goes unthanked27 total reviews
Comment from doggymad
Great entry for the contest. I wonder as you do why nobody else climbed the ladder. The father's response was typical of many people. Well done on your bravery
Good luck with the contest
hugs
Freda
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Great entry for the contest. I wonder as you do why nobody else climbed the ladder. The father's response was typical of many people. Well done on your bravery
Good luck with the contest
hugs
Freda
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you, Freda for your comments. I never have figured out why the just stood there staring and let a 14 year old do what they should have done. That was about 40 years ago, so I cant blame the times. Maybe they were as panicked as the little boy.
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That is a possibility I know that I couldn't have done that, can't do heights
hugs
Freda
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Well, there are some strange people about, and
the father was definitely one - so ungrateful..
I had never climbed this particular diving board, myself, being terrified of heights, but now was not the time to give in to phobias.
Being terrified of heights, I had never climbed this particular diving board myself, but now was not the time to give in to phobias. Just a suggestion
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Well, there are some strange people about, and
the father was definitely one - so ungrateful..
I had never climbed this particular diving board, myself, being terrified of heights, but now was not the time to give in to phobias.
Being terrified of heights, I had never climbed this particular diving board myself, but now was not the time to give in to phobias. Just a suggestion
Good luck with the contest.
Margaret
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you, Margaret. Brilliant suggestion!
Comment from humpwhistle
I like the basics of your story. You have a dire situation, and two characters who complement each other.
But I think you can make the story more compelling by mirroring the action with you style.
I made a few comments. I hope they prove helpful.
Peace, Lee
I turned my head in time to see a crowd standing around a high diving board. At the top sat a toddler dangerously close to the edge.--The opening clause of this sentence 'I turned my head in time to see' seems unnecessary to me. You heard a commotion, you witnessed a crowd.
Without thinking, I scaled the fence and ran towards them. I looked at the people frozen with fear and wondered how they could just stand and watch. Quickly I headed for the ice cold steps and began my assent. I had never climbed this particular diving board, myself, being terrified of heights, but now was not the time to give in to phobias.--I think you're saying too much. Describe your actions. You're desperate. You're trying to save a little girl. Do it. Save the analysis for later. Give the reader a chance to feel your adrenalin rush.
Write breathlessly!
Once at the bottom, the crowd cheered, and a disheveled man came running up.--Let me suggest an alternative sentence structure: The crowd cheered when I reached the bottom. A man ran up.
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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I like the basics of your story. You have a dire situation, and two characters who complement each other.
But I think you can make the story more compelling by mirroring the action with you style.
I made a few comments. I hope they prove helpful.
Peace, Lee
I turned my head in time to see a crowd standing around a high diving board. At the top sat a toddler dangerously close to the edge.--The opening clause of this sentence 'I turned my head in time to see' seems unnecessary to me. You heard a commotion, you witnessed a crowd.
Without thinking, I scaled the fence and ran towards them. I looked at the people frozen with fear and wondered how they could just stand and watch. Quickly I headed for the ice cold steps and began my assent. I had never climbed this particular diving board, myself, being terrified of heights, but now was not the time to give in to phobias.--I think you're saying too much. Describe your actions. You're desperate. You're trying to save a little girl. Do it. Save the analysis for later. Give the reader a chance to feel your adrenalin rush.
Write breathlessly!
Once at the bottom, the crowd cheered, and a disheveled man came running up.--Let me suggest an alternative sentence structure: The crowd cheered when I reached the bottom. A man ran up.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much for the comments, Lee. I will go back and revisit it! Of course my second response was why the heck aren't these adults doing anything? I was 14!
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What you did was remarkable.
Telling it pales by comparison. But maybe I can help you tell it the way you felt it.
That's what you want to do. Make the reader feel it like you did.
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I've changed it a bit now, but am at a birthday party at my mother's and haven't had time to do a whole lot. I'll try again after I get home. I do thank you for the advice. It has spiced it up a bit already.
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Okay, changes made. Would you mind reading it again and telling me what you think? Thanks so much!
Comment from anabellapongasi
After risking your own life just to save his little boy, the man treated you like that? How ungrateful. That must have made you feel so bad. But the crowd saw what you did and you were a hero and that must have made you feel good too.
This is a very well written biographical flash fiction. Best wishes to you in the contest.
Blessings,
Anabella
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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After risking your own life just to save his little boy, the man treated you like that? How ungrateful. That must have made you feel so bad. But the crowd saw what you did and you were a hero and that must have made you feel good too.
This is a very well written biographical flash fiction. Best wishes to you in the contest.
Blessings,
Anabella
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you so much, and, yes, I did feel like a hero, so that part went well. I just hope the father learned something from it!
Comment from robyn corum
That is so true! (The no accounting part!) and OI'm sure you have it right about the father, too, especially since everyone there SAW the rescue! Ugh - some people! Nice job -- then AND now!
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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That is so true! (The no accounting part!) and OI'm sure you have it right about the father, too, especially since everyone there SAW the rescue! Ugh - some people! Nice job -- then AND now!
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thank you, Robyn, and people can be stupid. Think of all those babies that keep getting left in hot cars.
Comment from Nosha17
The parent, if he had been a proper parent would not have allowed his child out of his sight-he had the cheek to blame the saviour of his child! Interesting story, how some human being can be so apathetic and others so brave. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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The parent, if he had been a proper parent would not have allowed his child out of his sight-he had the cheek to blame the saviour of his child! Interesting story, how some human being can be so apathetic and others so brave. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Thanks, Faye, and you're right. He told some of the people while I was climbing down that the boy had slipped out while he was asleep, but I still don't know why he blamed me. I guess he was trying to defer blame.
Thanks for the review!
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent. I commend you for your good deed. How strange that no one told the father what had happened. If it hadn't been for you the child could have been killed. Good work
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reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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Excellent. I commend you for your good deed. How strange that no one told the father what had happened. If it hadn't been for you the child could have been killed. Good work
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-Oct-2015
reply by the author on 03-Oct-2015
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They did tell him, but he ignored everyone. Very grumpy man!
Thanks for the review!
