Comment from rama devi

Excellent

Outstanding entry! Great thematic depth and I totally resonate with your message. It's quite spiritual, actually...smiling and accepting life as it is. eloquently expressed with flawless form (meter and rhyme) and fine phonetics too (you know I noticed all the nuances, so won't list them but I especially liked the medley of L sounds complemented by S and C--both hard and soft--in the first stanza).

I would be ruled by those who smile
at all their dreams, and reconcile
themselves to life, a lapsed ideal,
and concentrate on what is real.

Extremely well chosen words: lapsed ideal


Slight stumble here:

I fear when passion holds the rein,
sustained by gods who feed on pain.

shouldn't rein be plural? reins? It sounds to me like is is forced to singular to fit the pure rhyme, but there are many reins if there are many gods (Gods in plural). Great rhyme pair, by the way, as are the rhymes in first stanza...superb!

Witty:
Such gods, if true, should surely heal
and concentrate on what is real.


Favorite stanza (so intensely relevant right now):

May all our leaders love this earth,
beguiled by what it's really worth.
May they feel wonder, not just zeal,
and concentrate on what is real.

Perfect closing repeat:

I would be ruled by those who smile
and concentrate on what is real.


Best of luck in the contest.

Warmly, rd

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2015

---

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015

Many thanks, RD, for your review. I have to admit that you are right about 'hold the rein'. Perhaps I shall have to forego the pun on 'reign'! In my defence, there is only one passion, but my case is weak!

reply by rama devi on 07-Oct-2015

I forgot to mention that the pun on reign works well...but I think those who would 'get it would also get it with reins. :)

Comment from ravenblack

Excellent

Tony, I have to tell you, your poem brought tears to my eyes (no joke). The child's picture, her hopeful smile drives home what is real and what is at stake if we continue to be ruled by zeal. As you know, our government is constantly mired in inaction due to zeal on both sides (well, mainly one). May they feel wonder- yes. They have to for all kids, for my kids. Enough! I would be ruled by those who smile/ and concentrate on what is real. Superb! I regret not having a six.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2015

---

reply by the author on 07-Oct-2015

Thanks, Ed. Unfortunately, almost by definition, our leaders are driven by a thirst for power rather than benevolence.

Comment from kiwijenny

Excellent

I would be ruled by those who smile
and concentrate on what is real.
Oh I wish this too
We need to all get more real...precious photo
God bless

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 03-Oct-2015

---

reply by the author on 06-Oct-2015

Thanks so much for your review, Jenny. God bless.