SPIRIT BASKET
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Scene 2: Slaves in 1770"270 Years of an Alaska Family
9 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
MissA... I am so in love with this wonderful story/movie! I do hope you will sell this script to someone who will produce it. Your use of strong verbs and vivid detail help to bring the story to life, and carries the reader along easily. I have so much enjoyed the first two scenes. I look forward to more.
As you know, I'm "way too picky" when it comes to proof reading, but I know you appreciate it more than most, so here are my suggestions:
***INT. SHELTERED UNDER ROOF AND (with) WALLS ON TWO SIDES - MORNING (otherwise, it sounds as if the walls are also over the scene)
***Tumgax, your named (name?) is for walrus. A stubborn and mighty soul lives in you. (Even though I know what Shaman means, I think he would say that first part differently... "You're named for walrus" or perhaps "You are named for the walrus." I do like how the speech often seems authentic for long ago times. This one needs a little help, perhaps.)
***Course a boy like you never (Of course, a boy like you..)
***The man grins with yellow, decaying teeth (More correct: The man grins, displaying yellow, decaying teeth.)(Or 'showing' instead of 'displaying')
***He stops short of a Russian seaman (He stops abruptly, just in front of a Russian seaman)
***replaces ivory chip in basket and pulls outs (out) a silk ribbon)
My suggestions are only that... and of course the final decisions are up to the author, the wise and wonderful MissA. But I've mentioned all the little nits that bothered me, and in such a long piece of writing, this is proportionately quite a small number. Good luck with this wonderful idea. Please give us more.
Hugs, MissM
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
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MissA... I am so in love with this wonderful story/movie! I do hope you will sell this script to someone who will produce it. Your use of strong verbs and vivid detail help to bring the story to life, and carries the reader along easily. I have so much enjoyed the first two scenes. I look forward to more.
As you know, I'm "way too picky" when it comes to proof reading, but I know you appreciate it more than most, so here are my suggestions:
***INT. SHELTERED UNDER ROOF AND (with) WALLS ON TWO SIDES - MORNING (otherwise, it sounds as if the walls are also over the scene)
***Tumgax, your named (name?) is for walrus. A stubborn and mighty soul lives in you. (Even though I know what Shaman means, I think he would say that first part differently... "You're named for walrus" or perhaps "You are named for the walrus." I do like how the speech often seems authentic for long ago times. This one needs a little help, perhaps.)
***Course a boy like you never (Of course, a boy like you..)
***The man grins with yellow, decaying teeth (More correct: The man grins, displaying yellow, decaying teeth.)(Or 'showing' instead of 'displaying')
***He stops short of a Russian seaman (He stops abruptly, just in front of a Russian seaman)
***replaces ivory chip in basket and pulls outs (out) a silk ribbon)
My suggestions are only that... and of course the final decisions are up to the author, the wise and wonderful MissA. But I've mentioned all the little nits that bothered me, and in such a long piece of writing, this is proportionately quite a small number. Good luck with this wonderful idea. Please give us more.
Hugs, MissM
Comment Written 21-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2015
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I'm so glad you reviewed this MissM!! I appreciate your comments. I see most are on the descriptions for the photographer, actors, etc. and are as sloppy as can be. I was told to make them super short, but I agree they should be more accurately worded. This is quite a different experience but I'm determined to get through to the end. Thanks for the examples, MissM.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I like this storyline. You did an excellent job. The story was active and filled with tension that kept it moving. I didn't see any problems. Shirley
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2015
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I like this storyline. You did an excellent job. The story was active and filled with tension that kept it moving. I didn't see any problems. Shirley
Comment Written 11-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 11-Sep-2015
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Thanks for giving time for this one, Shirley. It's great to know you enjoyed it. Marie
Comment from Sasha
You are doing a superb job with this. You have completely captivated me with this story. It is vivid, exciting, and very tense. I am enjoying it immensely.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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You are doing a superb job with this. You have completely captivated me with this story. It is vivid, exciting, and very tense. I am enjoying it immensely.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Oh, Sasha, you are so sweet to me with my experiment. Thank so much for reading this scene.
Comment from robyn corum
Dear AlaskaStory,
I'm sure you know much more about creating scripts than I do, but I did notice a couple of things I thought might be worth bringing to your attention:
1.) Generally, you will be best served by only posting items that range up to about 800-1000 words. We all learn the hard way that FS readers can only handle about that much in one sitting -- remember, everyone is trying to earn $$ to post their own work! *smile*
2.) It MOSTLY does you no good to intimately detail how characters will react in these situations, because any director, producer or reader, for that matter, will interpret it in their own way and 'act it out' or 'cast' it as they choose. Google 'sample scripts' on line to get more of an idea what I mean and how yours might look.
(Example:)
RUSSIAN SEAMAN
That be the Seamaid coming for pelts. Taking them to the Orient. Course a boy like you never heard of places like Irkutsk or Canton. Right?
The man grins with yellow, decaying teeth. Tumgax gives him a shy nod.
3.) Always consider that someone REALLY MIGHT pick this up and create it! In a small community theater or for a huge Broadway production! In reality, how realistic is it that someone could recreate these scenes - as they are presented???
--> In the case of this particular play, that's an issue. Please look at how many scene changes you're requiring - often for only one line or more, and an entire scene change means the audience sits, the cast members work, the costs go UP.
--> Try to stage your scenes to get the most 'bang' for your buck. Do everything possible while you're HERE, THEN move to the next location.
--> And have as few scene changes as possible. Instead of the path - use the exterior of one of the other locations - where they can merely step out an open doorway....make sense?
4.) In a true play, all the words beside the character's name are to be SPOKEN unless they are in parenthesis - which means they are stage or character directions. So, below, the reader is very confused:
NGAYUK
That is above the cover of fog.
(cautiously looked about)
Go. Lead the way.
Tumgax gropes uncertainly along the dark path heading uphill.
Hope this helps!
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Dear AlaskaStory,
I'm sure you know much more about creating scripts than I do, but I did notice a couple of things I thought might be worth bringing to your attention:
1.) Generally, you will be best served by only posting items that range up to about 800-1000 words. We all learn the hard way that FS readers can only handle about that much in one sitting -- remember, everyone is trying to earn $$ to post their own work! *smile*
2.) It MOSTLY does you no good to intimately detail how characters will react in these situations, because any director, producer or reader, for that matter, will interpret it in their own way and 'act it out' or 'cast' it as they choose. Google 'sample scripts' on line to get more of an idea what I mean and how yours might look.
(Example:)
RUSSIAN SEAMAN
That be the Seamaid coming for pelts. Taking them to the Orient. Course a boy like you never heard of places like Irkutsk or Canton. Right?
The man grins with yellow, decaying teeth. Tumgax gives him a shy nod.
3.) Always consider that someone REALLY MIGHT pick this up and create it! In a small community theater or for a huge Broadway production! In reality, how realistic is it that someone could recreate these scenes - as they are presented???
--> In the case of this particular play, that's an issue. Please look at how many scene changes you're requiring - often for only one line or more, and an entire scene change means the audience sits, the cast members work, the costs go UP.
--> Try to stage your scenes to get the most 'bang' for your buck. Do everything possible while you're HERE, THEN move to the next location.
--> And have as few scene changes as possible. Instead of the path - use the exterior of one of the other locations - where they can merely step out an open doorway....make sense?
4.) In a true play, all the words beside the character's name are to be SPOKEN unless they are in parenthesis - which means they are stage or character directions. So, below, the reader is very confused:
NGAYUK
That is above the cover of fog.
(cautiously looked about)
Go. Lead the way.
Tumgax gropes uncertainly along the dark path heading uphill.
Hope this helps!
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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You are a great help, Robyn. I shall take your comments into account, especially in the rapid changes of scenes. Good suggestions. Thanks.
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SOOOO glad you took my comments as intended. THANK YOU!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Marie. So good to see you post again. This is quite a script and well written for the most part. Not an expert on these formats, however from what I have observed of others, I would only suggest that you use complete sentences in your descriptions and dialogue
For instance: "TUMGAX
I will treasure this.
(caresses bone handle and sharp blade, hesitates to speak)
Long time I save a secret for you. (He caresses the bone handle etc...."
Suggestion: "JARED reaches deeply into the basket and pulls out a tiny piece of ivory. (You don't need the adverb "deeply")
Good jog. Blessings. Bob
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Hi, Marie. So good to see you post again. This is quite a script and well written for the most part. Not an expert on these formats, however from what I have observed of others, I would only suggest that you use complete sentences in your descriptions and dialogue
For instance: "TUMGAX
I will treasure this.
(caresses bone handle and sharp blade, hesitates to speak)
Long time I save a secret for you. (He caresses the bone handle etc...."
Suggestion: "JARED reaches deeply into the basket and pulls out a tiny piece of ivory. (You don't need the adverb "deeply")
Good jog. Blessings. Bob
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I appreciate your comments, Bob. I'm trying to follow instruction from a course I took and using sample scripts for example. But I sure to agree that it makes for bumpy reading. Many thanks for reading this one. Marie
Comment from Nosha17
I like the story that the characters relate in the script. Very spiritual aspects of the Alaskan people with good descriptions of their way of life and the setting. Well presented script. One thing, Shaman: Your name means walrus/you are named for a..... Most enjoyable. faye
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I like the story that the characters relate in the script. Very spiritual aspects of the Alaskan people with good descriptions of their way of life and the setting. Well presented script. One thing, Shaman: Your name means walrus/you are named for a..... Most enjoyable. faye
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Many thanks for your reading and commenting, Faye.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Slavery was a very bleak period in the history of this nation we affectionately call the United States. Some times seems like remnants of it's fallout remains in the Modern day racial tensions that are constantly ongoing. Well written script.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Slavery was a very bleak period in the history of this nation we affectionately call the United States. Some times seems like remnants of it's fallout remains in the Modern day racial tensions that are constantly ongoing. Well written script.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I appreciate your comments. Thanks for reading this scene.
Comment from royowen
It seems that the diminishing of the seal population was apparent even in those days, with the seasonal sealers being greedy, historically speaking. Just like the American Bison, although the seals have lasted better than the bison! That is how Russia came to divest itself of Alaska, the diminishing seal population. But well done, I love the names of Alaskan natives, beautifully written, the script would be best used on a serialised historical series, I suppose, well done, great scripting, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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It seems that the diminishing of the seal population was apparent even in those days, with the seasonal sealers being greedy, historically speaking. Just like the American Bison, although the seals have lasted better than the bison! That is how Russia came to divest itself of Alaska, the diminishing seal population. But well done, I love the names of Alaskan natives, beautifully written, the script would be best used on a serialised historical series, I suppose, well done, great scripting, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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Thank you, Roy for reading this scene. I appreciate your comments. Marie
Comment from barkingdog
I assume that the basket is the one Machxisa carried which makes the transition from past to present well done.
I loved the story. The images like the shining stone to locate the boat and then the branch pointing the way like a finger.
Very enjoyable and well written.
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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I assume that the basket is the one Machxisa carried which makes the transition from past to present well done.
I loved the story. The images like the shining stone to locate the boat and then the branch pointing the way like a finger.
Very enjoyable and well written.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 08-Sep-2015
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It is a joy to know the attempted images work for you as a reader. Thanks so much for your comments.
