The Quest
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Quest Part Four"Finding My Roots
32 total reviews
Comment from Tessa Kay
Talk about a cliffhanger...
Very much enjoyed the continuation of your story. I've been to Heidelberg once. It's a beautiful place. One of my favourites in Germany.
Here's a few notes. Hope they make sense to you.:
-and I realised that I was ravenous. - The sentence is tighter if you leave out 'I realised'. We are in the character's head, so phrases like 'I saw', I heard, I realised, I thought, I noticed, I reckoned should be used only rarely, and only if it is important to mention. Tighter is to put a full stop or semicolon and then say, 'I was ravenous. Or else consider if you need that at all, since the rumble in the stomach already shows she was hungry. You decide.
-and I could feel my heart pounding, surprised about my strong reaction. - this doesn't quite work as a sentence.
Last thing mentioned is the heart, which links the surprise to the heart, not to the speaker. But you can swap it around: My heart was pounding. I held my breath, surprised about my strong reaction. Actually, this isn't it yet either, because surprise doesn't result in holding breath. Best to make the last part a separate sentence. : I held my breath and my heart was pounding. I was surprised at my strong reaction - sorry for my rambling. I'm just writing as I'm thinking it...
-And I could breathe again - very nice. Often writers leave their characters holding the breath and never releasing it :)
-looked at the time, and thought I had just -(see above) leave out the 'I thought'. Split with full stop or semicolon and start with 'I had just time...
-I looked at the time, and realised that my lunch break was only - I looked at the time. My lunch break was only...
-Not knowing what to do next. - I didn't know what to do next. --ing constructions show that something is simultaneous with something else, so they can't stand on their own. They need a continuation, like 'Not knowing what to do next, I went to...' so we have the knowing and the going simultaneous.
Most the things I have mentioned are minor and easily rectified. But apart from them, your story kept me going adn I am looking forward to the next instalment.
Very well done.
:) Tessa
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2015
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Talk about a cliffhanger...
Very much enjoyed the continuation of your story. I've been to Heidelberg once. It's a beautiful place. One of my favourites in Germany.
Here's a few notes. Hope they make sense to you.:
-and I realised that I was ravenous. - The sentence is tighter if you leave out 'I realised'. We are in the character's head, so phrases like 'I saw', I heard, I realised, I thought, I noticed, I reckoned should be used only rarely, and only if it is important to mention. Tighter is to put a full stop or semicolon and then say, 'I was ravenous. Or else consider if you need that at all, since the rumble in the stomach already shows she was hungry. You decide.
-and I could feel my heart pounding, surprised about my strong reaction. - this doesn't quite work as a sentence.
Last thing mentioned is the heart, which links the surprise to the heart, not to the speaker. But you can swap it around: My heart was pounding. I held my breath, surprised about my strong reaction. Actually, this isn't it yet either, because surprise doesn't result in holding breath. Best to make the last part a separate sentence. : I held my breath and my heart was pounding. I was surprised at my strong reaction - sorry for my rambling. I'm just writing as I'm thinking it...
-And I could breathe again - very nice. Often writers leave their characters holding the breath and never releasing it :)
-looked at the time, and thought I had just -(see above) leave out the 'I thought'. Split with full stop or semicolon and start with 'I had just time...
-I looked at the time, and realised that my lunch break was only - I looked at the time. My lunch break was only...
-Not knowing what to do next. - I didn't know what to do next. --ing constructions show that something is simultaneous with something else, so they can't stand on their own. They need a continuation, like 'Not knowing what to do next, I went to...' so we have the knowing and the going simultaneous.
Most the things I have mentioned are minor and easily rectified. But apart from them, your story kept me going adn I am looking forward to the next instalment.
Very well done.
:) Tessa
Comment Written 12-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2015
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Hi Tessa, sorry it's taken such a long time to come back to you. I so appreciate your review and I agree with you. I 'm going back an revise right now. No excuse, but been so busy doing other thing in life and continue writing. Please do keep putting me right. I so want to learn to get it right. English is not my first language but I'm working very hard at it. All best. Ulla
Comment from ellie6
Wow! what a cliffhanger. I can almost feel Ulla's excitement and frustration, now I have to wait for the next chapter to know what it was that she remembered as a teenager.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Wow! what a cliffhanger. I can almost feel Ulla's excitement and frustration, now I have to wait for the next chapter to know what it was that she remembered as a teenager.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much for a lovely review. Next one coming on soon. All the best. Ulla
Comment from Writingfundimension
I so admire your courage and determination in the search for your birth mother. I think the first thing on my mind was if she married two years later then there might be the possibility of siblings.
I look forward to reading more of your fascinating account, Ulla.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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I so admire your courage and determination in the search for your birth mother. I think the first thing on my mind was if she married two years later then there might be the possibility of siblings.
I look forward to reading more of your fascinating account, Ulla.
:) Bev
Comment Written 11-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Bev, thank you so much for your lovely review. It was indeed a fascinating thing to do. Soon more to come. All the best. Ulla
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You're very welcome, Ulla. :)
Comment from OLA THOMAS
Great progress, encouraging and very leading clues. I follow this with passion and eager to see how it turns out. Nice work.
ola thomas
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Great progress, encouraging and very leading clues. I follow this with passion and eager to see how it turns out. Nice work.
ola thomas
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Thank you Ola, for your encouraging review. All best Ulla
Comment from Jackreese
As always, another excellent read. I find myself so engulfed In your story every time I read it. I don't know how I would've reacted to Marrianne's email part of me would've wanted to go all out right there and then the reasonable part of me would pump the breaks. It must've a been a trying time for you as well. Looking forward to the next part.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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As always, another excellent read. I find myself so engulfed In your story every time I read it. I don't know how I would've reacted to Marrianne's email part of me would've wanted to go all out right there and then the reasonable part of me would pump the breaks. It must've a been a trying time for you as well. Looking forward to the next part.
Comment Written 10-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much. Yes emotionally it was like a roller coaster. I am so pleased that you like it. More to come soon. All best. Ulla
Comment from Serendipity!
Wow this is fascinating. I'm with you all the way. It makes it so much easier that you catch your own typos and editing needs so I can whip right through it, and eagerly wait to read what happens next.
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Wow this is fascinating. I'm with you all the way. It makes it so much easier that you catch your own typos and editing needs so I can whip right through it, and eagerly wait to read what happens next.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much for an endearing review. Soon is more to come. All best. Ulla
Comment from alexisleech
This was a wonderful chapter, Ulla. As my eyes shot down the page I could feel the excitement building inside you, and the cliff-hanger ending was excellent. Isn't it strange how we keep things in the dark recesses of our mind until one day they emerge like a lightbulb being switched on? No spag that I could see, but a couple of suggestions below.
A well deserving six!
Alexis xxx
, a fare I [only] ate [on rare occasion] rarely,
I sat down at my desk eyeing the overloaded in-box, and sighed.
suggest;
I sighed when I sat down at my desk and eyed the overloaded in-box.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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This was a wonderful chapter, Ulla. As my eyes shot down the page I could feel the excitement building inside you, and the cliff-hanger ending was excellent. Isn't it strange how we keep things in the dark recesses of our mind until one day they emerge like a lightbulb being switched on? No spag that I could see, but a couple of suggestions below.
A well deserving six!
Alexis xxx
, a fare I [only] ate [on rare occasion] rarely,
I sat down at my desk eyeing the overloaded in-box, and sighed.
suggest;
I sighed when I sat down at my desk and eyed the overloaded in-box.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Oh Alexis, you don't know how happy you make me!! Thank you so much, and I am sittting her with tears in my eyes. It means that much to me. I will go in and correct, cause I can see it will read that much better. Thanks ever so much.
And you are right. It was somewhere all the time, and then I knew what it was. Ulla xxx
Comment from c_lucas
Sometimes, the success of a search is based upon something irrelevant when it first happens. This is very well written with a interesting flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Sometimes, the success of a search is based upon something irrelevant when it first happens. This is very well written with a interesting flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much. I am pleased you like it. The continuation soon to follow. Ulla
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You're welcome, Ulla.
Comment from Bryana
Ullaaaaa you left me in suspense, I really
think Marianne has been great help, they
know your mother went to Heidelberg, I
believe you are going to find her soon.
I can imagine what's going through your
mind.
Dear friend, I will be waiting for the next
chapter.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Ullaaaaa you left me in suspense, I really
think Marianne has been great help, they
know your mother went to Heidelberg, I
believe you are going to find her soon.
I can imagine what's going through your
mind.
Dear friend, I will be waiting for the next
chapter.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Thank you so much Bryana. Something is to happen, but I keep you in suspense until then. Thanks again. All best.Ulla
Comment from Christof McTarnahan
Like the last chapter, I thoroughly enjoyed this.The dialogue is great and I am really starting to like your style of writing. Very vibrant and full of life. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Like the last chapter, I thoroughly enjoyed this.The dialogue is great and I am really starting to like your style of writing. Very vibrant and full of life. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 08-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2015
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Oh, That is a lovely review an comment. I am so pleased that you like it and more is soon to follow. Ulla
