Romantic Story
Love Breaks all boundaries2 total reviews
Comment from Nosha17
That was a very nice story, especially as we found out her mistake at the end. All's well that ends well! Your characters are well described and likeable, the dialogue is good. But, I feel you need to edit your story quite a lot. I have made some suggestions for you about two thirds of the story. You should also split up the first Para into two, it is too long. Para 1, avoid repeating neighbourhood: familiar with the area and no longer needed the sketched........................ better to say: as she used her skills to blend in with her surroundings. Para 2 starts with" The place.............
She paid attention to her driving speed..............street corner, expecting to find.......................ironically, instead she put........
heart-warming. It struck at her very core............a prick of conscience washed away those thoughts. Para 5, since her last..........Para 6, who immediately served up some rather tasty dishes.............. I hope you find my corrections helpful. Good luck in the contest. Faye
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That was a very nice story, especially as we found out her mistake at the end. All's well that ends well! Your characters are well described and likeable, the dialogue is good. But, I feel you need to edit your story quite a lot. I have made some suggestions for you about two thirds of the story. You should also split up the first Para into two, it is too long. Para 1, avoid repeating neighbourhood: familiar with the area and no longer needed the sketched........................ better to say: as she used her skills to blend in with her surroundings. Para 2 starts with" The place.............
She paid attention to her driving speed..............street corner, expecting to find.......................ironically, instead she put........
heart-warming. It struck at her very core............a prick of conscience washed away those thoughts. Para 5, since her last..........Para 6, who immediately served up some rather tasty dishes.............. I hope you find my corrections helpful. Good luck in the contest. Faye
Comment Written 31-Aug-2015
Comment from lancellot
You have good story idea here. I would like to suggest that you take some time and re-edit this some more. Spacing is needed, plus separation of different speakers into their own paragraphs. I made some notes of a few others things to look for. hope it helps.
notes:
She subjectively viewed herself as an exceptional police officer when she skillfully managed to blend with [the]neighborhood.
- add missing word
She passed many silent streets and the prevailing night peace compensated [for] the usual daylight pattern of crimes.
- add
She swiftly parked her Jeep near a {sports} bar by the street corner.
- lower case, not a proper name.
She noted the movement of the figure turning towards her and (as she) anticipated (the man's) [an] unwelcoming attitude.
- Think you should delete the two and add: an
" Mr. Travis I want to make myself clear why I am here[,]" she said slowly,
- add
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You have good story idea here. I would like to suggest that you take some time and re-edit this some more. Spacing is needed, plus separation of different speakers into their own paragraphs. I made some notes of a few others things to look for. hope it helps.
notes:
She subjectively viewed herself as an exceptional police officer when she skillfully managed to blend with [the]neighborhood.
- add missing word
She passed many silent streets and the prevailing night peace compensated [for] the usual daylight pattern of crimes.
- add
She swiftly parked her Jeep near a {sports} bar by the street corner.
- lower case, not a proper name.
She noted the movement of the figure turning towards her and (as she) anticipated (the man's) [an] unwelcoming attitude.
- Think you should delete the two and add: an
" Mr. Travis I want to make myself clear why I am here[,]" she said slowly,
- add
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
