Torment and Choices
A man torn between addiction and family54 total reviews
Comment from Michelle Joy
Wow, this poem flowed so nicely I enjoyed it a lot and read over it a couple times. I can definitely relate to it, and you did a phenomenal job writing this. Well done.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Wow, this poem flowed so nicely I enjoyed it a lot and read over it a couple times. I can definitely relate to it, and you did a phenomenal job writing this. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Michelle, it was one of those from the heart kind of poems. I'm glad you took the time to review, and I am sincerely excited to receive a coveted 6 star review. You are the sweetest! Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from Nosha17
You have captured the essence of the devastation of addiction in your words. How sad that it destroys the person and those around him. Well chosen words and excellent rhyming. Faye
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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You have captured the essence of the devastation of addiction in your words. How sad that it destroys the person and those around him. Well chosen words and excellent rhyming. Faye
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Faye. You are right, many are hurt by one person's choices. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from TPAC
My sorrows. To me a direct to the point statement detailing in its conveyance and captivating in thoughts. A perfect read.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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My sorrows. To me a direct to the point statement detailing in its conveyance and captivating in thoughts. A perfect read.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Wow, thank you for the 6 star review, and the uplifting review. I am learning to become concise and I'm finding it rewarding. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from gamay
Hello Rhonda, This is sad and very touching poem. I not suffer in that situation. My father was for me is a perfect father to me. he do a lot to me or the Family. My father before is ( alcoholic0 but even that his so responsible. My friend a father is only one. I value it much and we can't choose. Thanks for sharing gamay
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Hello Rhonda, This is sad and very touching poem. I not suffer in that situation. My father was for me is a perfect father to me. he do a lot to me or the Family. My father before is ( alcoholic0 but even that his so responsible. My friend a father is only one. I value it much and we can't choose. Thanks for sharing gamay
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you for your sweet review, gamay. You are a precious person and I'm glad your father was a good man. Thank you for sharing your story as well. Take care, my friend,
Rhonda
Thank you, also for the beautiful 6 star review!!!
Comment from boxergirl
Glad I had a sixer for this obe, Rhonda. I think we must have had the same father...or at least they shared the same plight in life with addictions and bad choices. Mine broke my heart as well but I finally made peace with it and forgave him even though it was after his death.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Glad I had a sixer for this obe, Rhonda. I think we must have had the same father...or at least they shared the same plight in life with addictions and bad choices. Mine broke my heart as well but I finally made peace with it and forgave him even though it was after his death.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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That's funny, but it took many years for me to just sit back and let the hard feelings go. We always had a relationship, off and on anyway, but all the gaps hurt. I've found several people on this site with abusive or neglectful fathers. Is it what made us what we are, or did we become so in spite of them? Anyway, thanks so much for the beautiful Dix star review. It means a lot to me. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from The Death
Hi davisr,
What a wonderful tribute to your father! Glad to know he was your inspiration, as whatever we write for our loved one...comes directly from our hearts. Your poem is full of emotions, where you have shared his story.
I fully understand and appreciate your sentiments here, and I know you would like this poem to speak at its fullest...so I'd recommend some punctuation suggestions, which would make the flow smoother. As of now, a few if your punctuation choices are distracting.
The greatest man I've almost known,
his heart was troubled, tempest blown.
A father, true, a man beset,
by life's struggle...we almost met.
You don't need to have a comma before "true", as it's supposed to act as an adjective here. It's use as noun would be incorrect as per the current structure of that sentence. Also, no comma after "beset" as it's a transitive verb. Thus, you'd have to rephrase the later half of the last line so that it becomes linked the previous thoughts. The iambic tetrameter is almost fine, except for two spots. In the last line above, "struggle" forms a trochee, not an iamb. As you have not tagged it as a metered poem, I'd leave that up to you. You have sketched his character really well.
I knew him, yes, but not quite well,(.)
His life, alas, was spent in hell.
Addictions steal(stole) both heart and life,
his health, happiness, child and wife.
Loved the use of S sounds and H alliteration in the above stanza. The first line should end with a period, and as you're describing him in past tense, you should have "stole" in the third line. The meter falls off in the last line with HAPpiNESS.
A very poignant closing:
A brilliant mind, an artist's heart,(--)
poor choices made, life torn apart.
What might have been I never saw,
addiction was his fatal flaw.
Use of strong rhyming makes it flow well. A highly emotive poem. Your love for him can be apparently felt here.
Regards,
Anupam
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Hi davisr,
What a wonderful tribute to your father! Glad to know he was your inspiration, as whatever we write for our loved one...comes directly from our hearts. Your poem is full of emotions, where you have shared his story.
I fully understand and appreciate your sentiments here, and I know you would like this poem to speak at its fullest...so I'd recommend some punctuation suggestions, which would make the flow smoother. As of now, a few if your punctuation choices are distracting.
The greatest man I've almost known,
his heart was troubled, tempest blown.
A father, true, a man beset,
by life's struggle...we almost met.
You don't need to have a comma before "true", as it's supposed to act as an adjective here. It's use as noun would be incorrect as per the current structure of that sentence. Also, no comma after "beset" as it's a transitive verb. Thus, you'd have to rephrase the later half of the last line so that it becomes linked the previous thoughts. The iambic tetrameter is almost fine, except for two spots. In the last line above, "struggle" forms a trochee, not an iamb. As you have not tagged it as a metered poem, I'd leave that up to you. You have sketched his character really well.
I knew him, yes, but not quite well,(.)
His life, alas, was spent in hell.
Addictions steal(stole) both heart and life,
his health, happiness, child and wife.
Loved the use of S sounds and H alliteration in the above stanza. The first line should end with a period, and as you're describing him in past tense, you should have "stole" in the third line. The meter falls off in the last line with HAPpiNESS.
A very poignant closing:
A brilliant mind, an artist's heart,(--)
poor choices made, life torn apart.
What might have been I never saw,
addiction was his fatal flaw.
Use of strong rhyming makes it flow well. A highly emotive poem. Your love for him can be apparently felt here.
Regards,
Anupam
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Wow, thank you for your very thoughtful and detailed review. I appreciate the time and effort you took to write it. Are you an English teacher or professor? You seem to have done this before. Thanks, I will revisit the poem. Take care,
Rhonda
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Thanks for your kind reply, Rhonda! No, I'm not an English teacher, for sure. Just sharing what I got to learn from the wonderful people here. Enjoy the day!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
Beautiful poem with a lot of heartache. About a father that the author not really know. But know of his struggles with addictions through family life.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Beautiful poem with a lot of heartache. About a father that the author not really know. But know of his struggles with addictions through family life.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Sandra for your wonderful review. You seemed to have understood the message well. Take care,
Rhonda
Comment from LeannaP
Hi there,
I'm glad you chose to write about
addiction. There are a few lines
here that resonated. Addiction runs rampant like the
stream in rivers. This poem
has great cadence as well. Thanks for posting..
L
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Hi there,
I'm glad you chose to write about
addiction. There are a few lines
here that resonated. Addiction runs rampant like the
stream in rivers. This poem
has great cadence as well. Thanks for posting..
L
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much for your kind remarks, and for taking the time to review. Yes, addiction is rampant, but society today caters to it, I think. We have become a "whatever makes you happy" society and then act surprised when people become selfish.
Take care,
Rhonda
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you are so welcome
Comment from misscookie
I like the photo you choose for your poem,
it is a perfect match.
I can relate oh so well my ex son in-law was and still on the sad road.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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I like the photo you choose for your poem,
it is a perfect match.
I can relate oh so well my ex son in-law was and still on the sad road.
Thank you for sharing.
Cookie
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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So many are. I have a son living in the streets because he has hurt so many people that no one, not even me, can have him in the house. It was a difficult decision, more so than you can imagine, but I was mentally and emotionally going down with him, and he didn't want help, and openly flaunted his decisions with a challenge that there was nothing I could do about it. I did and it still hurts. In so many ways he reminds me of my father, and that is strange since they had very little time to meet each other. Thanks for the review and comments,
Rhonda
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I understand your pain. they don't realize its not just them going through his pain all the people who love him feel it too.
stay on praying grounds
Comment from anabellapongasi
This is such a sad and touching story in a poem about your father who became a stranger to you because of his addiction.
I really like the tone of this write, it is not filled with hate and bitterness. Instead it still has something positive to say about the brilliant artist who was troubled and just made wrong choices. I can see that you still have some fond memories of him that you hold dear.
Very well written. Great job.
Blessings,
Anabella
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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This is such a sad and touching story in a poem about your father who became a stranger to you because of his addiction.
I really like the tone of this write, it is not filled with hate and bitterness. Instead it still has something positive to say about the brilliant artist who was troubled and just made wrong choices. I can see that you still have some fond memories of him that you hold dear.
Very well written. Great job.
Blessings,
Anabella
Comment Written 30-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Anabella. There is no bitterness, but somewhere inside is a need for a relationship he was never really able to provide. It's more a sadness than anything. He was the type of man everyone loved, but no one ever really got close to. Thanks for taking the time to respond with such insight! Take care,
Rhonda
