Story beginnings/No titles
A little variety. (5)19 total reviews
Comment from michaelcahill
These are all killer. I love they seem character driven which makes them all great possibilites for novels.
I should have reviewed these a long time ago, sorry.
The rule is for two sentences. I don't know if you have time to fix before the committee gets a hold of this. Most of the people are sticking in commas, semi-colons or simply "and" to kind of stretch their sentences. Or you could leave the third sentence off and still have strong entries. Hope you get this in time. Sorry again I wasn't on top of things. I'm surprised none of your reviewers didn't point it out. Good luck. A strong scary field, yes? mikey
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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These are all killer. I love they seem character driven which makes them all great possibilites for novels.
I should have reviewed these a long time ago, sorry.
The rule is for two sentences. I don't know if you have time to fix before the committee gets a hold of this. Most of the people are sticking in commas, semi-colons or simply "and" to kind of stretch their sentences. Or you could leave the third sentence off and still have strong entries. Hope you get this in time. Sorry again I wasn't on top of things. I'm surprised none of your reviewers didn't point it out. Good luck. A strong scary field, yes? mikey
Comment Written 12-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 13-Sep-2015
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Thanks, Michael. Not sue when the voting is, may have already passed but I corrected anyhow.
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Cool. It's in the booth now. One for the good guys. :)
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Thanks, again.
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Uh oh! too late as I was correcting received the disqualification. But thanks, anyhow.
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Crap! Well, Humpwhistle is thrashing us, so you're not missing much. :)
You still have some some great story beginnings. mikey
Comment from write hand blue
This is a difficult one here, they are all so good.
I think three has a lot going for it. An unusual start to a story an man with an empty celestial bag. Lost his wrinkles...
Good luck in the competition.
:) Mel.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2015
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This is a difficult one here, they are all so good.
I think three has a lot going for it. An unusual start to a story an man with an empty celestial bag. Lost his wrinkles...
Good luck in the competition.
:) Mel.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from light
At first I didn't know this was a contest so I read it twice. These are all attention grabbing, but I like the first one best.
I wish you success in the contest.
Elaine
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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At first I didn't know this was a contest so I read it twice. These are all attention grabbing, but I like the first one best.
I wish you success in the contest.
Elaine
Comment Written 28-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 28-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi...wow I never saw this neat contest...good one...and I like you lines. Ummmm, which one would I read first?
I figure the wolves.
Good luck.
padumachitta
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Hi...wow I never saw this neat contest...good one...and I like you lines. Ummmm, which one would I read first?
I figure the wolves.
Good luck.
padumachitta
Comment Written 27-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Thanks you for reviewing. Glad you foud them interesting.
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Think you got them all! I wonder, on second read, if Huntress should be capped? I think not, as it is not a proper noun.
First review (FOUR stars)
Wow--all of these are fantastic openings and rally draw the reader in. Vivid--visceral even. Good active tone, (except for the use of passive voicing noted below). This flows well and is engaging...and the only room for improvement I can see (other than passive voicing mentioned above and noted below) are a few typos and spags.
Notes and suggestions:
Mike studied the scrawny teenager from behind the one- way mirror.
No space after hyphen
*
She was pacing back and forth like a caged animal,
She paced back and forth like a caged animal,
* licking the wounds beneath her blood(-)encrusted nails.
*whipping her black, tattered cape through the ashes,(no ,) in the opposite direction.
*
An invisible force was dragging Jana into the mist.
An invisible force dragged Jana into the mist.
*Beneath her tracks, leaves, bled crisp by the devil's breath, crackled a warning.
This us finely voiced and has nice alliteration and consonance. It is grammatically accurate, but I do have one suggestion for alternative punctuation that would be slightly more dramatic and fluid (imho):
Beneath her tracks, leaves--bled crisp by the devil's breath--crackled a warning.
*Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus was etched in her fear.
Visions is plural, so the verb needs to reflect this. Example:
Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus were etched in her fear.
*
It was 2: a.m. when the call came.
either:
It was two a.m. when the call came.
or
It was 2 a.m. when the call came.
or
It was 2:00 a.m. when the call came.
*and headed for Mout Sinai
mount is missing an 'n'
* his grandfather;(consider dash here) a man he had never met, a man ostracized by his family, and a man deported from his homeland.
Love the originality in all of these but especially here:
Jonah fumbled around in his star-studded bag marked YOUR FUTURE for what seemed like an eternity. He decided he would dress in wrinkles for the final challenge. But his bag was empty.
Each one of these sparkles with intensity. Impressive work!
Happy to upgrade when spag is fixed.
Love,
rd
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Second review
Think you got them all! I wonder, on second read, if Huntress should be capped? I think not, as it is not a proper noun.
First review (FOUR stars)
Wow--all of these are fantastic openings and rally draw the reader in. Vivid--visceral even. Good active tone, (except for the use of passive voicing noted below). This flows well and is engaging...and the only room for improvement I can see (other than passive voicing mentioned above and noted below) are a few typos and spags.
Notes and suggestions:
Mike studied the scrawny teenager from behind the one- way mirror.
No space after hyphen
*
She was pacing back and forth like a caged animal,
She paced back and forth like a caged animal,
* licking the wounds beneath her blood(-)encrusted nails.
*whipping her black, tattered cape through the ashes,(no ,) in the opposite direction.
*
An invisible force was dragging Jana into the mist.
An invisible force dragged Jana into the mist.
*Beneath her tracks, leaves, bled crisp by the devil's breath, crackled a warning.
This us finely voiced and has nice alliteration and consonance. It is grammatically accurate, but I do have one suggestion for alternative punctuation that would be slightly more dramatic and fluid (imho):
Beneath her tracks, leaves--bled crisp by the devil's breath--crackled a warning.
*Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus was etched in her fear.
Visions is plural, so the verb needs to reflect this. Example:
Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus were etched in her fear.
*
It was 2: a.m. when the call came.
either:
It was two a.m. when the call came.
or
It was 2 a.m. when the call came.
or
It was 2:00 a.m. when the call came.
*and headed for Mout Sinai
mount is missing an 'n'
* his grandfather;(consider dash here) a man he had never met, a man ostracized by his family, and a man deported from his homeland.
Love the originality in all of these but especially here:
Jonah fumbled around in his star-studded bag marked YOUR FUTURE for what seemed like an eternity. He decided he would dress in wrinkles for the final challenge. But his bag was empty.
Each one of these sparkles with intensity. Impressive work!
Happy to upgrade when spag is fixed.
Love,
rd
Comment Written 27-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Thanks rd will get to it some time today. Realy appreciate the corrections.
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Happy to help, dear. Hugs, rd
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Think I got them all. Thanks again.
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Most welcome! :)
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Alice. Excellent what we novelists call "hooks" for openers. You are very good and should write a book. I liked this one the best, I think:
"An invisible force was dragging Jana into the mist. Beneath her tracks, leaves, bled crisp by the devil's breath, crackled a warning. Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus was etched in her fear."
Good luck in the contest, my friend. Bob
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Hi, Alice. Excellent what we novelists call "hooks" for openers. You are very good and should write a book. I liked this one the best, I think:
"An invisible force was dragging Jana into the mist. Beneath her tracks, leaves, bled crisp by the devil's breath, crackled a warning. Visions of her Father's signature scribbled on the ancient papyrus was etched in her fear."
Good luck in the contest, my friend. Bob
Comment Written 26-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Thanks, Bob. That was my favorite.
Comment from Louise Michelle
Hi Dalla,
This is the third entry I'm reading and I think all your examples are very strong, make the reader want to read more.
In Five you wrote 2: am. I believe that should read 2:00 a.m.
Lou
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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Hi Dalla,
This is the third entry I'm reading and I think all your examples are very strong, make the reader want to read more.
In Five you wrote 2: am. I believe that should read 2:00 a.m.
Lou
Comment Written 26-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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Thank you for reviewing. Time always gets me in trouble. Did a grammar check and added periods to the a.m. the 00 were optional. Thanks for the heads up.
Comment from jpduck
This is a varied entry for this unusually (for FS) interesting contest. The key, for the voters, I guess, will be to assess how good the hook is in each opening.
In this case, I felt 3 and 4 provided good, strong hooks. 5 was OK. But, I'm afraid I felt that 1 and 2 were seriously weak, partly because they were too long and wordy. Sorry!
Adrian
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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This is a varied entry for this unusually (for FS) interesting contest. The key, for the voters, I guess, will be to assess how good the hook is in each opening.
In this case, I felt 3 and 4 provided good, strong hooks. 5 was OK. But, I'm afraid I felt that 1 and 2 were seriously weak, partly because they were too long and wordy. Sorry!
Adrian
Comment Written 26-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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Sorry they didn't grab your attention. Limited to a few sentences so they may have been too wordy. Thanks for the review.
Comment from ravenblack
One and four have my vote. They are all quite good, but something about ancient papyrus. And two, a lycanthropic matador. It seems like there may be a connection between one and two. Hell, I like them all. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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One and four have my vote. They are all quite good, but something about ancient papyrus. And two, a lycanthropic matador. It seems like there may be a connection between one and two. Hell, I like them all. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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Thanks for the great review.
Comment from MsPetra
All of them seemed like stories I would give at least a few paragraphs or pages to.
I would like to see where they were going before I decided to stop reading or keep going.
I liked best the one about the person running to the hospital for their grandfather.
I hope you develop at leas one of them.
Best of luck.
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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All of them seemed like stories I would give at least a few paragraphs or pages to.
I would like to see where they were going before I decided to stop reading or keep going.
I liked best the one about the person running to the hospital for their grandfather.
I hope you develop at leas one of them.
Best of luck.
Comment Written 25-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the kind review.
