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Viewing comments for Chapter 28 "Don't Smoke"Shorter stories
12 total reviews
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
LOL! I'm sure the fire was like nothing compared to what he saw in the bathroom! That is probably the best way to be put off smoking, catching fire to yourself leads to the most awful consequences! Lol! You're terrible, Bill!! :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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LOL! I'm sure the fire was like nothing compared to what he saw in the bathroom! That is probably the best way to be put off smoking, catching fire to yourself leads to the most awful consequences! Lol! You're terrible, Bill!! :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 07-May-2022
reply by the author on 07-May-2022
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This happens a lot. Not the mom scene, but a small fire quickly becoming a five alarmer.
Comment from dmt1967
Smoking kills and dampens your sex life lol. The boy will have nightmares after seeing his mother do that. He won't smoke again lol. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2015
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Smoking kills and dampens your sex life lol. The boy will have nightmares after seeing his mother do that. He won't smoke again lol. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2015
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Thank you, John, for the excellent review. Bill
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi...
_ Your story is good, BUT to me, it lacks authenticity.
_ WHY?... Here are some insight from one readers pov.
1) You say this is a boy, so it's highly doubtful a boy is going to know what a 'douche' is.
2) Even if he did, it's a far reach for him to know what a douche consists of---much less 'thinking' it could be vinegar.
3) Having said that, by not having his mother react is a bit far-fetched as well---she at least should gasp and say a little something--yell at him for barging in----then when she see's his injured, come running to his aid.
4) You have introduced a lot for only having 150 word limit to write your story. I would suggest simplifying it a bit. Sometimes less is more.
5) Even with this categorized as 'Fiction,' you still want to lend 'authenticity' to your work.
_ This is just a few things I noticed. All suggested with respect, so use or lose as you see fit.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Hi...
_ Your story is good, BUT to me, it lacks authenticity.
_ WHY?... Here are some insight from one readers pov.
1) You say this is a boy, so it's highly doubtful a boy is going to know what a 'douche' is.
2) Even if he did, it's a far reach for him to know what a douche consists of---much less 'thinking' it could be vinegar.
3) Having said that, by not having his mother react is a bit far-fetched as well---she at least should gasp and say a little something--yell at him for barging in----then when she see's his injured, come running to his aid.
4) You have introduced a lot for only having 150 word limit to write your story. I would suggest simplifying it a bit. Sometimes less is more.
5) Even with this categorized as 'Fiction,' you still want to lend 'authenticity' to your work.
_ This is just a few things I noticed. All suggested with respect, so use or lose as you see fit.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 19-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Jax, for the thorough review. I figured, especially in a micro piece like this, I'd let the reader fill in all the OMG's and inner monologues. The scene of poor Mom, the kid with smoke wafting from his hoodie, and the pregnant silence of the moment would be enough.
Comment from Dean Kuch
Good God, it's a wonder that the poor kid wasn't rendered blind at the sight of seeing his poor mum in such a...compromising position, heh-heh. Well, it would have served him right. After all, wasn't he aware of how non-chic it is to be considered a smoker these days? Drink till you puke, but whatever you do, God forbid you light up a fag in public.
Poor kid...great story.
Good luck. ~Dean ;}
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Good God, it's a wonder that the poor kid wasn't rendered blind at the sight of seeing his poor mum in such a...compromising position, heh-heh. Well, it would have served him right. After all, wasn't he aware of how non-chic it is to be considered a smoker these days? Drink till you puke, but whatever you do, God forbid you light up a fag in public.
Poor kid...great story.
Good luck. ~Dean ;}
Comment Written 19-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Dean, for giving this a look.
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Yeah, anytime.
Comment from Benjamin Valencia
Wow..Talk about a bad day! Your seems a bit far-fetched but then again, stranger things have happened. I enjoyed the story because of your description. I pictured all of this in slow motion and the flow is excellent because you allowed the reader to use all of their senses with this write. Hope that kid stops smoking...Good luck and cheers.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Wow..Talk about a bad day! Your seems a bit far-fetched but then again, stranger things have happened. I enjoyed the story because of your description. I pictured all of this in slow motion and the flow is excellent because you allowed the reader to use all of their senses with this write. Hope that kid stops smoking...Good luck and cheers.
Comment Written 19-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Benjamin, for the excellent review.
Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson
Well I guess that is one way to make a person quit. Shock the life out of them. Mom in the shower mid squeeze would do it. Best wishes in the contest. Kudos on a job well done.
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Well I guess that is one way to make a person quit. Shock the life out of them. Mom in the shower mid squeeze would do it. Best wishes in the contest. Kudos on a job well done.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 19-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Darlene, for the excellent review.
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Your welcome.
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Don't Smoke
The story is well written but the thought of a boy walking in to his mother's douching scene is just wrong in so many ways. What were you thinking?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Don't Smoke
The story is well written but the thought of a boy walking in to his mother's douching scene is just wrong in so many ways. What were you thinking?
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Thank you for reviewing. The joke here is the pitch for not smoking. A boy sets fire to his house, burns his hand, and sees what should never be seen. The scene with him in the bathroom, smoke rising from his clothes and in this compromising position should be hysterical. Sorry you were apparently offended.
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I think you could change your story a little bit and make it much better. The scene of seeing his mother douching is not good, is not funny either, it just makes your readers uncomfortable. You write well, that is what is important. If I was you I would change that scene.
Comment from lancellot
Um... well that was certainly an interesting and unexpected way to introduce the word vinegar. I give you credit. I bet no one else will think of it. Well done.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Um... well that was certainly an interesting and unexpected way to introduce the word vinegar. I give you credit. I bet no one else will think of it. Well done.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Comment from mommerry
You were successful in using all the required words and still have a story that is complete and shall we say interesting? You did a good job. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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You were successful in using all the required words and still have a story that is complete and shall we say interesting? You did a good job. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the excellent review.
Comment from mermaids
Your use of words has created harsh images, douching, burning, appearance of a horror movie. Your vivid descriptive words make a clear scene and the reader is surprised by the story.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Your use of words has created harsh images, douching, burning, appearance of a horror movie. Your vivid descriptive words make a clear scene and the reader is surprised by the story.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Thank you for the excellent review. I was hoping this presented a unique series of events.
