Comment from Green Lake Girl

Exceptional

Super job on this chapter, Bev. It was necessary to have a little insight into Jujee's life and her backstory. You handled the dissemination of information very well. Good deal of "show" mixed with the perfect amount of "tell." (I'm reading Follett right now--he uses "tell" judiciously, but he definitely uses it to move the story forward. You are doing the same thing in this chapter. Good job.)

It's so sad to think there are teens that find it necessary to install locks on their doors. But, good thinking on Jujee's part.

I think you portray teens quite realistically. They're feeling their way around in an adult world and they make mistakes. You present their inner thoughts very well.

As always, superb writing, Bev.

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015

Hi, Marietta

What a lovely review! Thank you for your kind words of encouragement and your insights. I've had good feedback on this chapter, in that it was helpful to the novel to see what Jujee's life is like and what maybe makes her tick. It doesn't excuse her behavior, but the brains of children this age don't have the necessary development to really understand the reasons for their behavior. Sad to say, they navigate one of the most important phases of their life running on hormones and predominately using the less inhibited part of the brain.

Thanks, too, for mentioning the showing part. I'm glad I was able to do a good job of balancing. Made my day (emoticon if I had one).

Hope you're enjoying your week!

Bev

Comment from TheFlamingo

Excellent

Hi there,
I found myself reading your story first, just to see what happens, then I had another read. Your writing style is quite lyrical and yet succinct. You manage to convey Jujee's dis-ease and neglect subtley, without obviously stating the fact. Will be waiting to see what she does next :)
With respect, I spotted a couple of small errors.
Kind regards, Leanne

para 15....only babysitting
para 19 ...The Devlans never

 Comment Written 12-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 12-Aug-2015

Hi, Leanne

Thanks so much for this great review! I appreciate your editorial suggestions, as well. Will take a look at those two sections pronto. I really should make the screen bigger when I do a last minute check :)
Bev

Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose

Excellent

Jujee's Story
by Writingfundimension

~Mara Devlan is raised in a conservative christian home. Jujee is her friend and she lives in a disfunctional family. Hared is Jujee's mother's boyfriend and she dislikes him. Jujee is a tipical teenager and the story is about her daily ventures. Good job!

 Comment Written 11-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Thanks so much, Gypsy Blue Rose. I appreciate the kind and generous review. :) Bev

Comment from rtobaygo

Exceptional

Good afternoon, Bev

You gave the reader a look into your character's view of her mother's boyfriend...the worry, the concern regarding his behavior towards her. I think you captured the teenager's mindset towards what affects her world.

Three possible nits:
snow(-) laced lilac bushes.
and Jujee winced with every creak (elicited)
to the growing (fabric) pile You didn't want to use clothes three times

Take care and stay safe,

Ray

 Comment Written 11-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Thank you, Ray. I really appreciate the generous and helpful review. You know, I'm going to have to hyphenate lilac laced even though my Grammary/Word programs said to leave it off. You're the second person to mention it :) You take care as well. :) Bev

Comment from Patrick G Cox

Excellent

Hi writingfundimension,

I obviously missed Jujee's father's death, the last I read, he was very much alive and he and her mother were very different in their attitudes and behaviour. Jared is a creep, and sounds like massive trouble, Jujee's mother sounds as if she's gone off the rails here.

Didn't see anything to sughgest for correction. Well done.

Patrick

 Comment Written 11-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Hi, Patrick. Thanks much for the kind review. Actually, the parents in previous chapters were Mara's parents, and your memory of them is correct. They are very different from Jujee's mom. It's been quite a while since the last post, so it's expected the readers will be a little fuzzy on some details. My bad, not yours for taking so long between.

Take care,

Bev

reply by Patrick G Cox on 11-Aug-2015

Ah, that explains a lot!

Patrick

Comment from kriver

Excellent

Hi,
I think this is a wonderful story for the age group it is intended.
I would think it would be something that a young reader could readily identify with and enjoy.

 Comment Written 11-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Hi, Kriver. Thank you for your encouragement and support for this novel. I really appreciate it!

:) Bev

Comment from Annette Gulliver

Excellent

Hi there
After receiving your generous review of my latest post, I have checked out your portfolio, and your latest post.
This is a well written chapter. I have not had time yet to backtrack to the previous chapters yet, but your characters and dialogue in this chapter, gave me a good insight into your story. It sounds like a lbit of teenage girl jealousy going on, and Jujee's mother sounds like a self absorbed woman, and the boyfriend a creep, who ogles young Jujee. Well done. I look forward to following your story.
Annette

 Comment Written 11-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Hi, Anette

Thank you much for taking time to read my chapter and for your generous review. Your insights are right on target! The story has many twists and turns to come--much like the lives of young people today.

Appreciate it!

Bev

reply by Annette Gulliver on 11-Aug-2015

You're welcome, Bev
Annette

Comment from sandragee

Excellent

You packed a lot of information into this chapter without overwhelming the reader with it. The characters were finely drawn through dialogue and action. You placed the reader right there with Jujee. You made us feel what she felt and see what she saw. Good writing.

 Comment Written 10-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015

Hi, Sandragee

Thank you so much for this very gracious and encouraging review. I much appreciate your insights and observations as that helps me so much in going forward.

Take care,

Bev

Comment from Selina Stambi

Excellent

My dear Bev,

I do love this story. What a great way to come back to FS after a brief hiatus. :)

I enjoyed getting to know Jujee better. I have a feeling she snitched on Mara accidentally on purpose. Either consciously or unconsciously she might be jealous of what appears to be the perfect life her friend has. One of my girls had a best friend from a troubled home ... she didn't turn out to be that much of a friend after all.

Anyway, my heart ached as you revealed the details of her homelife.

I can't wait to read more.

Hugs and love,

Sonali xxx

 Comment Written 10-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015

Hi, Sonali

Your insights are most appreciated and right on target. It's great to hear from you and know that you're liking the direction of the story. Also, I love your new FanStory name! Sounds so
exotic.

Hope you'll be posting sometime soon...

Hugs, Bev

reply by Selina Stambi on 10-Aug-2015

It's the same name I'm using on Facebook, Bev.

I don't think I'll be posting for a while. The summer leaves me quite breathless - one tries to cram a year's worth of life into three short months, I think.

I posted a video of my garden on Facebook and on my profile page - I grudge time spent away from it. It'll be gone far too soon. Hugs back, dear. xxx

reply by the author on 11-Aug-2015

Oh, I completely understand about the summer months and, really, time in general. Hope you enjoy the rest of it! XXOO Bev

Comment from 4hisglory

Excellent

Another good chapter to your book. I like how you slowly show Jujee's actions and the thoughts and feeling she has while doing things. Her guilt is getting to her for leaving her friend. Also, her angry feeling toward her mother concerning her boyfriend.

I do have one suggestion in switching "Jujee" with she in this sentence: But Jujee knew her mother would throw a screaming fit if she thought she ...

Good writing. Looking forward to the next chapter. Blessings LaVonne

 Comment Written 10-Aug-2015

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reply by the author on 10-Aug-2015

Hi, Lavonne

Thanks for your insights and suggestion (it's a good one). I really appreciate you taking time out to read and send along this excellent review. Blessings to you as well...

:) Bev