The Almond Trees
Blank Verse52 total reviews
Comment from country ranch writer
beautiful presentation, I have never seen an almond tree so It is a treat to read about the history you have ortrayed of this adventure
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2015
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beautiful presentation, I have never seen an almond tree so It is a treat to read about the history you have ortrayed of this adventure
Comment Written 09-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2015
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Thanks, CRW. Glad you enjoyed it. Tony
Comment from visionary1234
This is beautiful free verse Tony! Is this your home?
Some notes as I was reading - any place I had to pause, re read, or have questions:
A line of trees upon the eastern slope
extend arthritic arms towards the dawn
their blackened limbs bend painfully to catch
OKAY - HERE ON FIRST READING, THERE WAS SOME SINGULAR/PLURAL CONFUSION. THE SUBJECT IS 'LINE' (SINGULAR) NOT 'TREES' (PLURAL), SO THEREFORE THE LINE 'EXTENDS' (NOT EXTEND) ... BUT WHEN IT COMES TO 'THEIR' BLACKENED LIMBS IT GETS MORE CONFUSING OF COURSE ... I'd suggest some modifications to line it all up with consistency
BELOW: SUDDEN JUMP FROM PRESENT TO PAST TENSE? SO 'WOVE' TAKES US BY SURPRISE
from webs
that wove their silver strands in birds' nest hair.
BELOW: BUMP IN METER?
to make way -- but make way for what? Too steep
to my ear:
da da dum - da da dum dum da dum
too much departing from the iambic, especially as it's pretty well smooth everywhere else?
and half the leaves. (I STOPPED FOR A MOMENT, WONDERING IF YOU WERE MEANING TO USE THE VERB 'HALVE', THEN RE-READ AS THE CORRECT 'HALF' ... )
a scratching post for kine, (ok - you've got me - what the heck is 'kine'???
LOVE LOVE LOVE!:
They also have their place upon the hill
to cheer the hearts of lovers down below,
who honeymoon in winter by the fire,
and kindle caves of passion in its flames.
The gardens waft their narcissistic scents
(OH DEAR - I'M KINKY - WHEN I READ 'NARCISSISTIC' I READ AS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF CENTEREDNESS - OOPS - NOW YOU CAN SEE MY AMERICANISM COMING OUT!
WOULD SUGGEST:
The gardens waft their sweet narcissus scents
SO I'M NOT SCRATCHING MY HEAD WONDERING WHAT IS WRONG WITH FLOWERS' HEADS
yet they will survive. Bushfires burnt the farm
SORRY - I'M AN IAMBIC PURIST - I'D PREFER TO KEEP THE IAMBIC BUT I KNOW SOME PEOPLE WOULD DISAGREE WITH ME
I LOVE ASSONANCE USED IN BLANK VERSE, BY THE WAY, AND TOTALLY TELL CRITICS TO STICK IT WHERE THIS IS CONCERNED.
I LOVED THIS PIECE!
:) SHARYN
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2015
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This is beautiful free verse Tony! Is this your home?
Some notes as I was reading - any place I had to pause, re read, or have questions:
A line of trees upon the eastern slope
extend arthritic arms towards the dawn
their blackened limbs bend painfully to catch
OKAY - HERE ON FIRST READING, THERE WAS SOME SINGULAR/PLURAL CONFUSION. THE SUBJECT IS 'LINE' (SINGULAR) NOT 'TREES' (PLURAL), SO THEREFORE THE LINE 'EXTENDS' (NOT EXTEND) ... BUT WHEN IT COMES TO 'THEIR' BLACKENED LIMBS IT GETS MORE CONFUSING OF COURSE ... I'd suggest some modifications to line it all up with consistency
BELOW: SUDDEN JUMP FROM PRESENT TO PAST TENSE? SO 'WOVE' TAKES US BY SURPRISE
from webs
that wove their silver strands in birds' nest hair.
BELOW: BUMP IN METER?
to make way -- but make way for what? Too steep
to my ear:
da da dum - da da dum dum da dum
too much departing from the iambic, especially as it's pretty well smooth everywhere else?
and half the leaves. (I STOPPED FOR A MOMENT, WONDERING IF YOU WERE MEANING TO USE THE VERB 'HALVE', THEN RE-READ AS THE CORRECT 'HALF' ... )
a scratching post for kine, (ok - you've got me - what the heck is 'kine'???
LOVE LOVE LOVE!:
They also have their place upon the hill
to cheer the hearts of lovers down below,
who honeymoon in winter by the fire,
and kindle caves of passion in its flames.
The gardens waft their narcissistic scents
(OH DEAR - I'M KINKY - WHEN I READ 'NARCISSISTIC' I READ AS THE PSYCHOLOGICAL SELF CENTEREDNESS - OOPS - NOW YOU CAN SEE MY AMERICANISM COMING OUT!
WOULD SUGGEST:
The gardens waft their sweet narcissus scents
SO I'M NOT SCRATCHING MY HEAD WONDERING WHAT IS WRONG WITH FLOWERS' HEADS
yet they will survive. Bushfires burnt the farm
SORRY - I'M AN IAMBIC PURIST - I'D PREFER TO KEEP THE IAMBIC BUT I KNOW SOME PEOPLE WOULD DISAGREE WITH ME
I LOVE ASSONANCE USED IN BLANK VERSE, BY THE WAY, AND TOTALLY TELL CRITICS TO STICK IT WHERE THIS IS CONCERNED.
I LOVED THIS PIECE!
:) SHARYN
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2015
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Thanks, Sharyn, for this most thorough and helpful review? Yes, this is where I live. 65 acres of paradise by the sea. I can't believe that schoolboy howler got through at the beginning! I'v now changed the first line to 'these trees aligned...' I chopped and changed between weave and wove, but decided on the past tense, as the webs had been woven the night before. There are a couple of places where I've deliberately deviated from iambic rhythm for emphasis. 'Kine' is a good old Anglo-Saxon word for cattle ( that has the advantage of being monosyllabic!).
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I accidentally hit the save button before I'd finished. Just to say how much I valued the time and care you took with this review. Now I'm trying to work out how to get back, to nominate!
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Oh how funny! No sweat, Tony! :)S
