Texas Dream Catcher
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "Chapter Dieciocho, (18) Part Dos "Drug & human trafficking, can romance win?
36 total reviews
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Barbara. Your story continues to flow nicely. I feel like I've been with this story for since it's inception and know trhe characters well. Good images throughout, like: "Soni yanked the tubes from her arm and ran to her grandfather. She wiped a tear rolling down her cheek as she knelt beside him, taking his hand in hers."
Natural-sounding dialogue too.
Suggestions: He pushed his way through four growling large dogs, trying to (For some reason this would sound better if it was "four large growling dogs.)
And:"A young doctor and two nurses burst into the room. "Move back!" ordered the doctor. "he ordered sounds better than repeating by using "ordered the doctor"
Also: "He has a pulse. That's a good thing." (This seems a bit off. (like no fooling)..perhaps he has a STRONG pulse might sound better, Barbara)
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Hi, Barbara. Your story continues to flow nicely. I feel like I've been with this story for since it's inception and know trhe characters well. Good images throughout, like: "Soni yanked the tubes from her arm and ran to her grandfather. She wiped a tear rolling down her cheek as she knelt beside him, taking his hand in hers."
Natural-sounding dialogue too.
Suggestions: He pushed his way through four growling large dogs, trying to (For some reason this would sound better if it was "four large growling dogs.)
And:"A young doctor and two nurses burst into the room. "Move back!" ordered the doctor. "he ordered sounds better than repeating by using "ordered the doctor"
Also: "He has a pulse. That's a good thing." (This seems a bit off. (like no fooling)..perhaps he has a STRONG pulse might sound better, Barbara)
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the suggestions and I will take them. I appreciate your help.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the privilege of reading another chapter from your enjoyable and entertaining book. I look forward to reading every chapter. I do have one tiny little suggestion in this chapter, and please, understand that it is fine as it is, I just think that it might sound a smidgeon better to knowledgeable horse people if this one part read a little differently. You wrote about Midnight having some nice colts coming from him. Well, not to sound picky, but colts come from mares, not the stud. I just thought it might be more convincing if it said that, Midnight will sire some nice colts, or however you want the wording. Just a thought, as who I am to question a teacher. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Thanks for the privilege of reading another chapter from your enjoyable and entertaining book. I look forward to reading every chapter. I do have one tiny little suggestion in this chapter, and please, understand that it is fine as it is, I just think that it might sound a smidgeon better to knowledgeable horse people if this one part read a little differently. You wrote about Midnight having some nice colts coming from him. Well, not to sound picky, but colts come from mares, not the stud. I just thought it might be more convincing if it said that, Midnight will sire some nice colts, or however you want the wording. Just a thought, as who I am to question a teacher. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the sure suggestion. You are correct and it was an over sight. I appreciate the help
Comment from rtobaygo
Hello
The conflict between the traditional Apache culture as it finds itself in conflict with general American cultural norms is well-played, a prime example of the Shaman having to undergo treatment for possible cardio problems.
Well done.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
anybody,()but
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Hello
The conflict between the traditional Apache culture as it finds itself in conflict with general American cultural norms is well-played, a prime example of the Shaman having to undergo treatment for possible cardio problems.
Well done.
Take care and stay safe,
Ray
anybody,()but
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging review. I appreciate your support.
Comment from Shirley McLain
I don't like that agent, he is a trouble maker. You did a great job as usual and kept me reading every word. Now I want to read more. Shirley
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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I don't like that agent, he is a trouble maker. You did a great job as usual and kept me reading every word. Now I want to read more. Shirley
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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He is a trouble maker. Thank you for the kind review.
Comment from rmj09
The focus Littleton trying to arrest anyone.
The storyline development back at the ranch Alex hears a ruckus outside.To his surprise ranch-hand Gus had also heard it and shot one of the preps. Alex decides he needs to move Midnight to 7 Lobos until things settle down. At the hospital Kuruk is in an unconscious state possibly from a heart attack and is being moved to ICU. Littleton feels he is faking this when the doctor tells him he isn't. When Jim goes to be with Kuruk Littleton tells him he is under-arrest for hitting a federal agent.
Emotions felt anger I want to pop Littleton on the nose or another place it would hurt.
The dialog is developing a strong mental image of the characters.
The narration shows Gus having shot a prep, the dogs letting themselves out of the house, Kurek unconscious and being moved to ICU, and Jim by-passing Littleton.
The hook is Littleton stupid enough to think he can arrest Jim?
The suspense continue and at times increases. The preps trying to take Midnight, Kuruk falling down, Littleton trying to arrest Jim for hitting him.
Keep on writing.
Barbara, this story makes me want to punch Littleton for his disrespect of American Natives. Keep up the excellent writing I really appreciate your hard work.^J^Rita
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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The focus Littleton trying to arrest anyone.
The storyline development back at the ranch Alex hears a ruckus outside.To his surprise ranch-hand Gus had also heard it and shot one of the preps. Alex decides he needs to move Midnight to 7 Lobos until things settle down. At the hospital Kuruk is in an unconscious state possibly from a heart attack and is being moved to ICU. Littleton feels he is faking this when the doctor tells him he isn't. When Jim goes to be with Kuruk Littleton tells him he is under-arrest for hitting a federal agent.
Emotions felt anger I want to pop Littleton on the nose or another place it would hurt.
The dialog is developing a strong mental image of the characters.
The narration shows Gus having shot a prep, the dogs letting themselves out of the house, Kurek unconscious and being moved to ICU, and Jim by-passing Littleton.
The hook is Littleton stupid enough to think he can arrest Jim?
The suspense continue and at times increases. The preps trying to take Midnight, Kuruk falling down, Littleton trying to arrest Jim for hitting him.
Keep on writing.
Barbara, this story makes me want to punch Littleton for his disrespect of American Natives. Keep up the excellent writing I really appreciate your hard work.^J^Rita
Comment Written 29-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging review. I'm glad the emotion I'm trying to write is coming through.
Comment from AvL
Mrs. Wilkey knows how to set a scene, and has mastered the nuances of characterization pretty thoroughly. In addition, she uses crisp, plausible dialogue between her characters to advance the plot of her story. My only question is, what happens next?
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Mrs. Wilkey knows how to set a scene, and has mastered the nuances of characterization pretty thoroughly. In addition, she uses crisp, plausible dialogue between her characters to advance the plot of her story. My only question is, what happens next?
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging review.
Comment from Sefiros
I like it when the authority figures believe that the world revolves around them. It's a classic. But too much of his attitude will run the risk of making him a bit of a clicque. Perhaps you can introduce a new agent to off-set his negativity: you know, good cop and bad cop. But this is a suggestion. Keep writing like this. It's very good.
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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I like it when the authority figures believe that the world revolves around them. It's a classic. But too much of his attitude will run the risk of making him a bit of a clicque. Perhaps you can introduce a new agent to off-set his negativity: you know, good cop and bad cop. But this is a suggestion. Keep writing like this. It's very good.
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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I have plans for Littleton. Thank you for the idea, I appreciate you taking time to read my post.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Nice, tight writing in this scene, Barbara. The drama continues at a very good pace--I guess Jim probably knew he'd get arrested for assaulting that creep Littleton. Too bad, just when he needs to keep an eye on Kuruk for Soni's sake.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Nice, tight writing in this scene, Barbara. The drama continues at a very good pace--I guess Jim probably knew he'd get arrested for assaulting that creep Littleton. Too bad, just when he needs to keep an eye on Kuruk for Soni's sake.
:) Bev
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the encouraging review and taking time to read my post.
Comment from country ranch writer
sounds like trouble brewing big time for the ranch and hope Grandpa will be on the mend soon he is a stubborn old man and he will fight to get well
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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sounds like trouble brewing big time for the ranch and hope Grandpa will be on the mend soon he is a stubborn old man and he will fight to get well
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thank you for the kind review.
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s m i l e s
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s m i l e s
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
Kuruk will need to trust the white-man's medicine if he wants to get well. I hope nothing serious happens to Jim - afterall, he was provoked.
Who is trying to steal Midnight? I'm really looking forward to finding out just who is behind this.
Well penned chapter, Barbara.
Margaret
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Kuruk will need to trust the white-man's medicine if he wants to get well. I hope nothing serious happens to Jim - afterall, he was provoked.
Who is trying to steal Midnight? I'm really looking forward to finding out just who is behind this.
Well penned chapter, Barbara.
Margaret
Comment Written 28-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jul-2015
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Thank you for leaving this kind review.
