Dark Covenant
Viewing comments for Chapter 23 "Dream Walker"The Berwick Witches Series: Book One
22 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
You left off at an interesting place in the story. It will be hard to wait till you can post the next, but I do understand how busy you must be with your other books. Good luck with both of them! :)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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You left off at an interesting place in the story. It will be hard to wait till you can post the next, but I do understand how busy you must be with your other books. Good luck with both of them! :)
Comment Written 27-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2015
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thank you,Phyllis.
Comment from royowen
Hmm, this is a new thing, I've heard of a succubus before, some demon in voluptuous form, seducing the incubus in dreams, no wonder Jessie can't get a decent night's sleep, but fancy the.signs of seduction appearing when he was active with his girlfriend, then disappearing when he was inactive, causing her to storm out, justly angered, well done, Amahra, good luck, and success follow you Ipoh your publishing venture, well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hmm, this is a new thing, I've heard of a succubus before, some demon in voluptuous form, seducing the incubus in dreams, no wonder Jessie can't get a decent night's sleep, but fancy the.signs of seduction appearing when he was active with his girlfriend, then disappearing when he was inactive, causing her to storm out, justly angered, well done, Amahra, good luck, and success follow you Ipoh your publishing venture, well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks, roy for the review and for blessings. But the male counter part is not seduced by the succubus, the incubus is the male demon that seduces human females.
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Aha.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is an excellent chapter, amahra, but I hate the cliffhanger you have left me with, lol. now it will be weeks before I get to read some more. I hope the edits go well and the selling does great too
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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this is an excellent chapter, amahra, but I hate the cliffhanger you have left me with, lol. now it will be weeks before I get to read some more. I hope the edits go well and the selling does great too
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much. I hope it goes well also.
Comment from c_lucas
Demons come in all shapes and sizes, each with their own specialty. Some are driven with sexual needs. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Your post has good imagery. Good luck with your marketing.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Demons come in all shapes and sizes, each with their own specialty. Some are driven with sexual needs. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Your post has good imagery. Good luck with your marketing.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Charlie. I'm going to put everything I have into making my books a success.
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Wishing you the best of success.
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Thank you, Charlie.
Comment from Pantygynt
This is moved along at a great pace through the medium of conversation in direct speech, which is supposed to be the way to write these days.. My critics always tell me i'm doing too much telling. I've only got one piece of SPAG to point out:
"The longer Karl drove, the less and less houses were visible from the roadside,"
The word "less" should not be used with count nouns, nouns that can be pluralized. The word you need is "fewer" because the "less" applies to "houses" but this doesn't sound right either. I think what you mean to say is:
"The longer Karl drove, fewer and fewer became the houses visible from the roadside,"
or:
"The longer Karl drove, less and less visible from the roadside became the houses"
The seconis acceptable because the "less" is applied to the visibility, not a count noun, rather than the houses. The meaning is not quite the same; in the first there were not as many houses. In the second something was masking the houses , trees or whatever. Take your pick.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This is moved along at a great pace through the medium of conversation in direct speech, which is supposed to be the way to write these days.. My critics always tell me i'm doing too much telling. I've only got one piece of SPAG to point out:
"The longer Karl drove, the less and less houses were visible from the roadside,"
The word "less" should not be used with count nouns, nouns that can be pluralized. The word you need is "fewer" because the "less" applies to "houses" but this doesn't sound right either. I think what you mean to say is:
"The longer Karl drove, fewer and fewer became the houses visible from the roadside,"
or:
"The longer Karl drove, less and less visible from the roadside became the houses"
The seconis acceptable because the "less" is applied to the visibility, not a count noun, rather than the houses. The meaning is not quite the same; in the first there were not as many houses. In the second something was masking the houses , trees or whatever. Take your pick.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Wow, you're right. Thank you, Pantygynt. This is why I wouldn't give anything for posting my work on here.
Comment from Jay Squires
First of all, a great summary you wrote!
A wildly entertaining chapter, Ama. Well-told, believable.
A few things to consider:
a young man dreamed he was dreaming. [What is the significance of this here? I know in real life, it would signal the onset of a lucid dream, but nothing seems to come of it that couldn't have more easily been said, "a young man dreamed."
"Hm smells good," she said [This is so picky and so not a nit, but I'd add another "m" to "hm". Otherwise it sounds like a retort, rather than an expression of pleasure. Told you it was picky.]
They ate and toasted each other--drank, talked and laughed. [A marvelous description of the preliminaries.]
Rebeca hopped off the bed. [REBECCA hopped...]
him and Rebeca and the marks on his [Second instance of same. I don't know now, which one is correct. You may want to do a find/replace search for the incorrect spelling. I won't point them out again for the sake of time.]
a Gypsy palm reading parlor. [a Gypsy PALM-READING >> needs to be combined by dash.]
Jessie immediately told Ward about his strange dreams. ["immediately" is an unnecessary word. Doesn't add anything.]
Jessie asked pointing at finger at the page. [pointing HIS ? finger at the page.]
in order to seduce men usually through sexual activity. [If you meant "seduce" literally, then it would ALWAYS be through sexual activity; if you meant "seduce" figuratively, I would choose a different verb to avoid an obvious redundancy.]
Ward frowned at Karl. [Paragraph spacing error.]
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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First of all, a great summary you wrote!
A wildly entertaining chapter, Ama. Well-told, believable.
A few things to consider:
a young man dreamed he was dreaming. [What is the significance of this here? I know in real life, it would signal the onset of a lucid dream, but nothing seems to come of it that couldn't have more easily been said, "a young man dreamed."
"Hm smells good," she said [This is so picky and so not a nit, but I'd add another "m" to "hm". Otherwise it sounds like a retort, rather than an expression of pleasure. Told you it was picky.]
They ate and toasted each other--drank, talked and laughed. [A marvelous description of the preliminaries.]
Rebeca hopped off the bed. [REBECCA hopped...]
him and Rebeca and the marks on his [Second instance of same. I don't know now, which one is correct. You may want to do a find/replace search for the incorrect spelling. I won't point them out again for the sake of time.]
a Gypsy palm reading parlor. [a Gypsy PALM-READING >> needs to be combined by dash.]
Jessie immediately told Ward about his strange dreams. ["immediately" is an unnecessary word. Doesn't add anything.]
Jessie asked pointing at finger at the page. [pointing HIS ? finger at the page.]
in order to seduce men usually through sexual activity. [If you meant "seduce" literally, then it would ALWAYS be through sexual activity; if you meant "seduce" figuratively, I would choose a different verb to avoid an obvious redundancy.]
Ward frowned at Karl. [Paragraph spacing error.]
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thanks, Jay; I had 'hmm' but removed it. I'll put it back. Yeah, I didn't show anything about the dream his was dreaming. I'll remove that. I have dreamed that I was dreaming and woke up only to find I was still dreaming. It's a horrible experience, like you can't wake up. But you're right, I didn't show the difference, so I'll remove the extra dreaming. Also, I knew something was wrong with that definition, of seduce and sexual activity, but it was in the online dictionary, so I thought it was okay to keep it. But I guess it does make sense not to have both. I guess I got too much faith in online dictionaries. Anyway, thanks again, Jay.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
A fascinating, exciting chapter, Amahra.
The speech flowing naturally throughout.
You've left us all wondering just why a succubus is after Jessie... as he has no idea.
Such a well presented chapter, my friend.
Man , forget - close space before comma
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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A fascinating, exciting chapter, Amahra.
The speech flowing naturally throughout.
You've left us all wondering just why a succubus is after Jessie... as he has no idea.
Such a well presented chapter, my friend.
Man , forget - close space before comma
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, Margaret. I'll make that correction.
Comment from pbroussard209
Awesome chapter, I loved the whole idea of being seduced by a demon, and Karl's reaction to the whole thing is great - typical man. I hope Jessie and uncle Ward figure this out.
Congratulations on the book being published, I'm still trying, I'm in the process of re-writing the beginning of one of mine, to see if I can catch an agents eye. If I don't in this go around, I will just self publish it. I know the beginning of the book is the problem, so I'm hoping this may help.
Trish
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Awesome chapter, I loved the whole idea of being seduced by a demon, and Karl's reaction to the whole thing is great - typical man. I hope Jessie and uncle Ward figure this out.
Congratulations on the book being published, I'm still trying, I'm in the process of re-writing the beginning of one of mine, to see if I can catch an agents eye. If I don't in this go around, I will just self publish it. I know the beginning of the book is the problem, so I'm hoping this may help.
Trish
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Just in case you go the self-pub route, there's lots of online professional editors, book cove designers and etc. Just do a google search for online professionals for every aspect of your book. Amazon.com is the only seller that I know will let you keep 70% of your book sales with an angent, you're lucky to walk away with 10%. But if you can get an agent, well -- good luck. And thank you so much for the six star review. Bless you.
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I can't afford an editor, I wish I could but both me and my husband are currently unemployed. Even when we were working every extra penny was going into our future, thank god, because that is what we are living on at the moment. I went through KDP the first time, it's amazon kindle. but I couldn't get the exposure I wanted. I gave away over two thousand books on my free promotional, but I only sold a few after that. I want an agent so I can get the book edited, and they can do most of the promoting. I'm clueless, lol.
Comment from barkingdog
That's a good place to leave us hanging--wanting to find out why a succubus is after Jessie. It's good that Ward had an uncle that has studied the occult.
Rebeca needs an explanation. Somehow, the supernatural doesn't sound like something she'll believe.
Have a nice break, marketing and editing. Did I say break? Oops. lol
:) ellen
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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That's a good place to leave us hanging--wanting to find out why a succubus is after Jessie. It's good that Ward had an uncle that has studied the occult.
Rebeca needs an explanation. Somehow, the supernatural doesn't sound like something she'll believe.
Have a nice break, marketing and editing. Did I say break? Oops. lol
:) ellen
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you, Ellen. I've go ta lot of work to ahead.
Comment from Brett Matthew West
Interesting story that draws readers into the scene being written and allows them to much better experience all the sights and sounds unfolding around them. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Interesting story that draws readers into the scene being written and allows them to much better experience all the sights and sounds unfolding around them. Well done.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thankyou.
