Tiny Tales of Terror
Viewing comments for Chapter 54 "Scales"Multi-authored book of flash/micro horror fiction
18 total reviews
Comment from Michaelk
This was an excellent case of poetic justice. To die horribly in the same way he had tormented others. In fact the only problem I had with this story is that there was no method. There was no mysterious fog or witch or anything, just 'Bam! He's a fish.'
I think the readers could suspend disbelief a little better if there was some method, even if it was vague and barely defined.
As I was reading, at first I thought maybe he had grabbed a puffer fish and been poisoned.
Maybe just the mention that the fish looked odd or unique would suffice.
This is just my opinion on an otherwise fine story that was well described.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This was an excellent case of poetic justice. To die horribly in the same way he had tormented others. In fact the only problem I had with this story is that there was no method. There was no mysterious fog or witch or anything, just 'Bam! He's a fish.'
I think the readers could suspend disbelief a little better if there was some method, even if it was vague and barely defined.
As I was reading, at first I thought maybe he had grabbed a puffer fish and been poisoned.
Maybe just the mention that the fish looked odd or unique would suffice.
This is just my opinion on an otherwise fine story that was well described.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Yeah, this one was more of an out of the blue kind of retribution. Sometimes I just can't be bothered with the explanation. I appreciate the honest feedback. All the best
G
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Hi Giraffmang: what one plants, one will harvest. Maybe, Gilbert got a taste of his own evil, leaving the innocent fish to die. Now, he is left to die, alone. Harold had compassion. Well written and intense story of good and evil.
Keep flying, my pigeon friend! flylikeaneagle
I'll be watching the butterflies dance! (I'll meet you in another contest soon!)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hi Giraffmang: what one plants, one will harvest. Maybe, Gilbert got a taste of his own evil, leaving the innocent fish to die. Now, he is left to die, alone. Harold had compassion. Well written and intense story of good and evil.
Keep flying, my pigeon friend! flylikeaneagle
I'll be watching the butterflies dance! (I'll meet you in another contest soon!)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Many thanks for sharing your thoughts on this little horror piece. It is always appreciated, my friend. Off to shoot some pigeons. G
Comment from Eigle Rull
HAH! Serves the arsehole right. This was a great little story, my friend. The storyline was very good, as was the dialog and descriptions. I enjoyed reading this one. It was excellent. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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HAH! Serves the arsehole right. This was a great little story, my friend. The storyline was very good, as was the dialog and descriptions. I enjoyed reading this one. It was excellent. Best wishes to you.
Always with respect,
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Many thanks for the great and enthusiastic review. Much appreciated, as always. G
Comment from jpduck
This was a great idea. However, I rather joined Gilbert in the floundering when it came to the penultimate sentence. Unless I have misunderstood it all, it wasn't the hard (fish) scales that were refusing to let his body breath; it was surely the fact that he was turning into a fish and he wasn't submersed in water which would allow his gills to work.
I feel that stories of this kind should be kept very direct and simple. Your wonderful title clearly has a double meaning -- fish scales and the scales of justice. The only thing that matters in the final section is the clarity of his just deserts, and I feel the masturbation and the bleeding penis weakens that crunch somewhat.
Really sorry to be dishing you four stars, but they reflect my honest feelings about this story. I may well have got it all wrong.
Adrian
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This was a great idea. However, I rather joined Gilbert in the floundering when it came to the penultimate sentence. Unless I have misunderstood it all, it wasn't the hard (fish) scales that were refusing to let his body breath; it was surely the fact that he was turning into a fish and he wasn't submersed in water which would allow his gills to work.
I feel that stories of this kind should be kept very direct and simple. Your wonderful title clearly has a double meaning -- fish scales and the scales of justice. The only thing that matters in the final section is the clarity of his just deserts, and I feel the masturbation and the bleeding penis weakens that crunch somewhat.
Really sorry to be dishing you four stars, but they reflect my honest feelings about this story. I may well have got it all wrong.
Adrian
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hi Adrian,
I have no problem with the four stars when delivered in an honest, and justifiable fashion. That sentence is supposed to have a degree of ambiguity about it. To me both aspects work. It should suggest the scales do suffocate Gil and the process of the turn does likewise being out of water.
You may be right about the masturbation sequence.
Much appreciated, as always.
G
Comment from barkingdog
Lol
Gil--Gilbert.
I guess the big Fish in the sea cursed him. Or could it have been the masturbation? No ... going blind is the side affect for that.
Won't Harold be pleased?
The fishing incident was a good lead up to Gil's transformation and leaving the readers to wonder what caused the change makes us use our imagination.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Lol
Gil--Gilbert.
I guess the big Fish in the sea cursed him. Or could it have been the masturbation? No ... going blind is the side affect for that.
Won't Harold be pleased?
The fishing incident was a good lead up to Gil's transformation and leaving the readers to wonder what caused the change makes us use our imagination.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Many thanks for the thoughtful response to this short piece. Much appreciated. G
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, G...
_ LOL...nothing like good ole brotherly love.
_ Used to go fishing all the time when I was in kid in Ohio. Thankfully, they went much better than Harold's and Gilbert's trip went, and ended.
_ Good story for this book.
_ I noticed some SPAG: [] delete ()add
_ As always, no disrespect intended, so use or lose as you see fit.
>>> Delete comma.
_ crisp spring morning[,] as Harold cast
>>> By adding 'and,' you can get rid of one 'He' for a smoother read.
_ It wasn't long before he got a nibble[.] [He](and reeled in a tiddler
>>> Incorrect punctuation.
>>> Use comma with dialogue tag.
>>> Use period when sentence stands on its own.
_ "Watch this[.](,)" instructed Gilbert as he laid the fish on a large flat stone.
_ "Gil, you're an arsehole[.](,)" Harold spat out at his brother.
>>> Redundant verbiage: in glee
>>> Grinning is telling the reader of his glee.
_ He grinned [in glee] as the fish flopped about,
>>> Missing word?
_ Gilbert died on the bathroom (floor), flipping and floundering like a fish.
_ I suggest trying to get rid of redundant verbiage. It makes for a smoother, clean read.
_ Also, repeating the 'same word' close together. That also makes for a choppy read. Use the dictionary and us 'like' words.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hi, G...
_ LOL...nothing like good ole brotherly love.
_ Used to go fishing all the time when I was in kid in Ohio. Thankfully, they went much better than Harold's and Gilbert's trip went, and ended.
_ Good story for this book.
_ I noticed some SPAG: [] delete ()add
_ As always, no disrespect intended, so use or lose as you see fit.
>>> Delete comma.
_ crisp spring morning[,] as Harold cast
>>> By adding 'and,' you can get rid of one 'He' for a smoother read.
_ It wasn't long before he got a nibble[.] [He](and reeled in a tiddler
>>> Incorrect punctuation.
>>> Use comma with dialogue tag.
>>> Use period when sentence stands on its own.
_ "Watch this[.](,)" instructed Gilbert as he laid the fish on a large flat stone.
_ "Gil, you're an arsehole[.](,)" Harold spat out at his brother.
>>> Redundant verbiage: in glee
>>> Grinning is telling the reader of his glee.
_ He grinned [in glee] as the fish flopped about,
>>> Missing word?
_ Gilbert died on the bathroom (floor), flipping and floundering like a fish.
_ I suggest trying to get rid of redundant verbiage. It makes for a smoother, clean read.
_ Also, repeating the 'same word' close together. That also makes for a choppy read. Use the dictionary and us 'like' words.
Cheers & Blessings
Keep Smilin'... Jax (*:*)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Many thanks for the great review. it was very helpful. Some of them I had already got but others I hadn't Truly appreciate the aid. All the best. G
Comment from rama devi
Second review
Good edits!
the large pebbles that made up the beach
On second read, this flows fine and the wordiness does not affect the acing. I'd trim and tighten it, but it's not mandatory.
One typo:
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" he giggled.
Action tag needs a cap
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" He giggled.
First review (FOUR stars)
Great characterization and plot development leading to a memorable conclusion. There are some spag nits and quite a bit of unnecessary wordiness or repetition (not advisable for flash fiction, in particular, or for prose in general).
Excellent, true-to-life-sounding dialog and good pacing (which would be improved further with trimming and tightening).
NOTES:
An eerie whistling sound over the surface of the lake was the only sound on that crisp spring morning, as Harold cast his line.
Good opening. I suggest trimming the first SOUND so that the word is not repeated twice in one sentence, Whistling stands fine on its own. All readers know it is a sound without being told. Also, the comma after morning is not required--it's grammatically inaccurate.
*
The water rippled gently as his line penetrated the water.
Trim THE WATER...no need to tell readers what you already told them. using water twice weakens this sentence.
* He quickly and expertly unhooked the small fish
Quickly is not needed. Expertly implies it. Best to avoid using unnecessary adverbs or two in a row. Expertly is a good one...but using quickly along with it weakens the voicing.
*Gilbert looked at Harold with that glint in his eye.
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" Gilbert giggled.
These should all be in one paragraph, and use a pronoun instead of repeating the character's names unnecessarily:
Gilbert looked at Harold with that glint in his eye. "Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" He giggled.
* No comma after and:
but that was nothing compared to his treatment of fish, and other animals.
*
Harold tried to grab the floundering fish from Gilbert, but Gilbert pushed him over onto the large pebbles that made up the beach.
trim FROM GILBERT (it's implied) and tighten large pebble that made up the beach (it's wordy).
Example:
Harold tried to grab the floundering fish, but Gilbert pushed him over onto the large beach pebbles.
*
"Watch this.(,)" instructed Gilbert as he laid the fish on a large flat stone.
*
He grinned in glee as the fish flopped about, suffocating in the air. It flipped several times before Gilbert's gleeful gaze, before finally coming to rest, still and lifeless.
Nice alliteration of G. Using before twice in a row weakens the voicing. Suggest replacing the first one with UNDER
It flipped several times under Gilbert's gleeful gaze, before finally coming to rest, still and lifeless.
* He had a great evening planned of masturbation curtesy (COURTESY -spelling)
*He fell to the floor writhing as small, hard scales pierced his body, refusing to let his body breathe.
(rather than repeating it)
This is very good but needs fine tuning.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Second review
Good edits!
the large pebbles that made up the beach
On second read, this flows fine and the wordiness does not affect the acing. I'd trim and tighten it, but it's not mandatory.
One typo:
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" he giggled.
Action tag needs a cap
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" He giggled.
First review (FOUR stars)
Great characterization and plot development leading to a memorable conclusion. There are some spag nits and quite a bit of unnecessary wordiness or repetition (not advisable for flash fiction, in particular, or for prose in general).
Excellent, true-to-life-sounding dialog and good pacing (which would be improved further with trimming and tightening).
NOTES:
An eerie whistling sound over the surface of the lake was the only sound on that crisp spring morning, as Harold cast his line.
Good opening. I suggest trimming the first SOUND so that the word is not repeated twice in one sentence, Whistling stands fine on its own. All readers know it is a sound without being told. Also, the comma after morning is not required--it's grammatically inaccurate.
*
The water rippled gently as his line penetrated the water.
Trim THE WATER...no need to tell readers what you already told them. using water twice weakens this sentence.
* He quickly and expertly unhooked the small fish
Quickly is not needed. Expertly implies it. Best to avoid using unnecessary adverbs or two in a row. Expertly is a good one...but using quickly along with it weakens the voicing.
*Gilbert looked at Harold with that glint in his eye.
"Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" Gilbert giggled.
These should all be in one paragraph, and use a pronoun instead of repeating the character's names unnecessarily:
Gilbert looked at Harold with that glint in his eye. "Are you soft in the head? Where's the fun in that?" He giggled.
* No comma after and:
but that was nothing compared to his treatment of fish, and other animals.
*
Harold tried to grab the floundering fish from Gilbert, but Gilbert pushed him over onto the large pebbles that made up the beach.
trim FROM GILBERT (it's implied) and tighten large pebble that made up the beach (it's wordy).
Example:
Harold tried to grab the floundering fish, but Gilbert pushed him over onto the large beach pebbles.
*
"Watch this.(,)" instructed Gilbert as he laid the fish on a large flat stone.
*
He grinned in glee as the fish flopped about, suffocating in the air. It flipped several times before Gilbert's gleeful gaze, before finally coming to rest, still and lifeless.
Nice alliteration of G. Using before twice in a row weakens the voicing. Suggest replacing the first one with UNDER
It flipped several times under Gilbert's gleeful gaze, before finally coming to rest, still and lifeless.
* He had a great evening planned of masturbation curtesy (COURTESY -spelling)
*He fell to the floor writhing as small, hard scales pierced his body, refusing to let his body breathe.
(rather than repeating it)
This is very good but needs fine tuning.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Many thanks for this detailed review. It helps a lot. I have been lax in my proofreading recently! It is always good to get a constructive review like this. I have implemented most of the changes. Many thanks.
G
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Happy to help, dear G. On my way to re-review.
Warm Smiles, rd
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow, this was excellent. A scaly fish revenge story. I hesitated reading this before bedtime, but I am glad I did. The writing is good and held my attention, even though I should be going to bed right now. Gilbert got his comeuppance, "died on the bathroom, flipping and floundering like a fish."
Thank you for scaring.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Wow, this was excellent. A scaly fish revenge story. I hesitated reading this before bedtime, but I am glad I did. The writing is good and held my attention, even though I should be going to bed right now. Gilbert got his comeuppance, "died on the bathroom, flipping and floundering like a fish."
Thank you for scaring.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
-
Many thanks for the great review. I always appreciate your input and feedback. Sleep well!
G
