Tiny Tales of Terror
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "The Miner's Daughter"Multi-authored book of flash/micro horror fiction
13 total reviews
Comment from judiverse
You give a lot of warning about the dangers of going down in the mine. Miners come down with emphysema or die in accidents. But the warning here is about the danger of a woman going down into the mine. Her father is reluctant for her to go. Their fear is based more superstition but on that has a basis, as we learn when the creature devours her. You might play up the supernatural earlier in the story, maybe describing something in the mine that hints of a creature inhabiting the place. judi
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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You give a lot of warning about the dangers of going down in the mine. Miners come down with emphysema or die in accidents. But the warning here is about the danger of a woman going down into the mine. Her father is reluctant for her to go. Their fear is based more superstition but on that has a basis, as we learn when the creature devours her. You might play up the supernatural earlier in the story, maybe describing something in the mine that hints of a creature inhabiting the place. judi
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hello Judi, thank you so much for the excellent review. I would add more to the story but then it would not be a tiny tale of terror. Dean wants to keep the stories short. I know what you mean though, I will give it some thought and see if I can work something in without adding to much.
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You're welcome. It's a challenge to keep to a word limit. judi
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
Ok no mines for me.
I made it through Happy Valentines DAy about a mine and this one just made it all come back.
N icely done
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Ok no mines for me.
I made it through Happy Valentines DAy about a mine and this one just made it all come back.
N icely done
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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thank you Barb :)
Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson
Gypsy Blue Rose,
That may be a tiny tale, but it contains lots of horrors. Starting with the fact that we all know how terrifying a mining accident can be. Then moving onto the accident. Then the attack. Eating brains just grosses me out. Fantastic writing and artwork.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Gypsy Blue Rose,
That may be a tiny tale, but it contains lots of horrors. Starting with the fact that we all know how terrifying a mining accident can be. Then moving onto the accident. Then the attack. Eating brains just grosses me out. Fantastic writing and artwork.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Mom :)
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Your welcome
Comment from barkingdog
It looks like what ever survived down there, maybe the miner that was never found, made a tasty meal of Nichole's brain.
But she won't need it any more anyway. He writing days are over. Father told her not to come.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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It looks like what ever survived down there, maybe the miner that was never found, made a tasty meal of Nichole's brain.
But she won't need it any more anyway. He writing days are over. Father told her not to come.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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thank you barking dog :)
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I've written quite a lot about early mining in my books, and as soon as I read "she" wanted to go down, I remember in my research that it was considered unlucky for a woman to go down a mine.
"That superstition is a bunch of nonsense[.](,)" John retorted. - comma
Oh, my goodness, that was a gruesome end - not expected at all - well penned, Gypsy.
Margaret
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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I've written quite a lot about early mining in my books, and as soon as I read "she" wanted to go down, I remember in my research that it was considered unlucky for a woman to go down a mine.
"That superstition is a bunch of nonsense[.](,)" John retorted. - comma
Oh, my goodness, that was a gruesome end - not expected at all - well penned, Gypsy.
Margaret
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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thank you Margaret, I appreciate your feedback :)
Comment from Michaelk
Mmm...a tasty tale of heady goodness. :)
Isn't that the way kids are? They never want to listen to reason until a carnivorous, cave dwelling, monster munches on their brain.
Great story. I think we all knew she was going to die. The big surprise for me was that you didn't drag it out for a long, horrible suffocation. This ending may have been more merciful.
Great job.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Mmm...a tasty tale of heady goodness. :)
Isn't that the way kids are? They never want to listen to reason until a carnivorous, cave dwelling, monster munches on their brain.
Great story. I think we all knew she was going to die. The big surprise for me was that you didn't drag it out for a long, horrible suffocation. This ending may have been more merciful.
Great job.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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LOL you cracked me up. Thank you Michael, your feedback means a lot to me.
Comment from pbroussard209
Wow, you have really embraced the short horror stories. This is a great story, but I think it could be better if you did a little more showing and less telling. I wrote a couple of examples down below to show you what I mean.
(Your paragraph)
Nichol walked behind the miners when the main pillar collapsed. She was trapped in a small space between the walls of rubble. She had barely enough room to tilt her head up and see the dark cavity ahead.
(my paragraph)
A loud rumble shattered the dark silence. Debris rained down from above, trapping her between the wall and a pile of rubble. She craned her neck trying to peer into the dark cavity ahead.
(Your paragraph)
The last thing Nichol saw was a pair of shiny eyes inches away from her face, and then she felt the razor sharp teeth as it crunched into her head, in search of the tasty brain.
(My paragraph)
A pair of shiny eyes stared back at her, only inches from her face. Her heart clogged her throat as razor sharp teeth sunk into her skull.
"help..." the word lost for eternity as the creature feasted on her tasty brain.
I hope this helps some. by all means your story is great, I am just asking you to really crawl inside Nichol's mind, and feel, see and show us what is going on inside it.
Put yourself in her place. Write your fears, and emotions. Think about how your body would react to what is happening to her. Show us the scene, the rock walls, the darkness, the choking dust.
I know this is hard when the story is limited to a few words. I feel for you, mini stories are really hard and not something I'm good at. I think I have said that before. As you can see I'm very wordy, lol.
Trish
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Wow, you have really embraced the short horror stories. This is a great story, but I think it could be better if you did a little more showing and less telling. I wrote a couple of examples down below to show you what I mean.
(Your paragraph)
Nichol walked behind the miners when the main pillar collapsed. She was trapped in a small space between the walls of rubble. She had barely enough room to tilt her head up and see the dark cavity ahead.
(my paragraph)
A loud rumble shattered the dark silence. Debris rained down from above, trapping her between the wall and a pile of rubble. She craned her neck trying to peer into the dark cavity ahead.
(Your paragraph)
The last thing Nichol saw was a pair of shiny eyes inches away from her face, and then she felt the razor sharp teeth as it crunched into her head, in search of the tasty brain.
(My paragraph)
A pair of shiny eyes stared back at her, only inches from her face. Her heart clogged her throat as razor sharp teeth sunk into her skull.
"help..." the word lost for eternity as the creature feasted on her tasty brain.
I hope this helps some. by all means your story is great, I am just asking you to really crawl inside Nichol's mind, and feel, see and show us what is going on inside it.
Put yourself in her place. Write your fears, and emotions. Think about how your body would react to what is happening to her. Show us the scene, the rock walls, the darkness, the choking dust.
I know this is hard when the story is limited to a few words. I feel for you, mini stories are really hard and not something I'm good at. I think I have said that before. As you can see I'm very wordy, lol.
Trish
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Trish, you gave me very good feedback, I appreciate it. :)
Comment from K. Lorraine
I know the theory of FS is if you can't find something positive, then pass the story by and don't review. But, I think it is important to share thoughts with our fellow writers about what went wrong and maybe ways to improve a story. I get it... the evil thing whose fangs bit into Nichol's skull was the lost miner never found. I realize this was a flash story, but I think the story would have been much better if you would have filled in the gaps. I didn't find the story scary or even very entertaining. There was just too little to satisfy my curiosity. Thank you for sharing.
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reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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I know the theory of FS is if you can't find something positive, then pass the story by and don't review. But, I think it is important to share thoughts with our fellow writers about what went wrong and maybe ways to improve a story. I get it... the evil thing whose fangs bit into Nichol's skull was the lost miner never found. I realize this was a flash story, but I think the story would have been much better if you would have filled in the gaps. I didn't find the story scary or even very entertaining. There was just too little to satisfy my curiosity. Thank you for sharing.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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thank you
Comment from Mystic Angel 7777
This is technically sound as I could find no SPAG to speak of. The characters are developed nicely. I thought the topic of using a mine as the venue creative. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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This is technically sound as I could find no SPAG to speak of. The characters are developed nicely. I thought the topic of using a mine as the venue creative. Nicely done and I thank you very much for sharing it.
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Mystic Angel, I appreciate your excellent review. :)
Comment from Jackarrie
Hi Gypsy, I loved the first part of the story, when Father and daughter were bonding and catching up on Dads experiences in the mining world.
Unlucy to bring a woman down, this probably was the belief. I felt the end came too quickly, but that may have been the intention of an abrubtly shocking ending. Certainly a tale of horror.
Mary
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Hi Gypsy, I loved the first part of the story, when Father and daughter were bonding and catching up on Dads experiences in the mining world.
Unlucy to bring a woman down, this probably was the belief. I felt the end came too quickly, but that may have been the intention of an abrubtly shocking ending. Certainly a tale of horror.
Mary
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Thank you Mary, I appreciate your positive review. :)
