Finding Daisy
Viewing comments for Chapter 49 "What to do"Another Ess and Oz comic fantasy
2 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Good writing, as usual, my friend. Drew me in. Riveting intensity.
Excellent detail and deep POV. Personally, I'd use italics for some lines of internal dialog in those longer paragraphs. But it works fine as deep POV style. Good pacing Great characterization. Plot sounds interesting, but I've not read enough consecutive chapters to comment on it.
The dialog is awesome--authentic-sounding and the diction, rhythms and voicing styles enhance characterization. Bravo.
NOTES
* A flask, probably coffee, strong and bitter(,) if she knew Shades.
Love the musical references--percussive sounds...crying out 'in counterpoint' Well voiced!
*
Fear filled her stomach,
Panic flooding through her
Both of these are descriptive but slightly telling rather than showing. I recommend describing VISCERALLY what feel and panic feel like rather than naming them. otherwise, keep the naming and add in a simile to enhance the descriptive narrative and make the reader feel what she feels.
Examples:
Fear filled her stomach and tied it in knots.
Panic flooding through her like ocean tides filling sea caves
*An age later(,) she reached the vehicle.
* Seconds later(,) Whitmarsh emerged from the basement area,
*He opened a car door and threw her in, then climbed into the front.
He opened a car door, threw her in, and then climbed into the front.
*Moments later(,) she heard the engine cough into life.
*
She watched as the headlights swept across the road, swept back and approached.
Consider not using SWEPT twice in a row but use a synonym. Fine to keep both, if you prefer.
*
Somerton Street was a narrow residential street in a pre-war estate, fed by identical streets that criss-crossed the road.
Please read this aloud and notice the use of STREETS three times sounds overdone.
I recommend trimming the first one (let it be implied). Also crisscrossed is on word, I think.
Somerton was a narrow residential street in a pre-war estate, fed by identical streets that crisscrossed the road.
Great closing line:
Ess faced front, her mouth a thin line and her knuckles white on the wheel.
She stamped on the accelerator.
With edits and fine tuning, this would lean towards a six, so five stars for you--but a strong recommendation to tweak the nits noted above.
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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Good writing, as usual, my friend. Drew me in. Riveting intensity.
Excellent detail and deep POV. Personally, I'd use italics for some lines of internal dialog in those longer paragraphs. But it works fine as deep POV style. Good pacing Great characterization. Plot sounds interesting, but I've not read enough consecutive chapters to comment on it.
The dialog is awesome--authentic-sounding and the diction, rhythms and voicing styles enhance characterization. Bravo.
NOTES
* A flask, probably coffee, strong and bitter(,) if she knew Shades.
Love the musical references--percussive sounds...crying out 'in counterpoint' Well voiced!
*
Fear filled her stomach,
Panic flooding through her
Both of these are descriptive but slightly telling rather than showing. I recommend describing VISCERALLY what feel and panic feel like rather than naming them. otherwise, keep the naming and add in a simile to enhance the descriptive narrative and make the reader feel what she feels.
Examples:
Fear filled her stomach and tied it in knots.
Panic flooding through her like ocean tides filling sea caves
*An age later(,) she reached the vehicle.
* Seconds later(,) Whitmarsh emerged from the basement area,
*He opened a car door and threw her in, then climbed into the front.
He opened a car door, threw her in, and then climbed into the front.
*Moments later(,) she heard the engine cough into life.
*
She watched as the headlights swept across the road, swept back and approached.
Consider not using SWEPT twice in a row but use a synonym. Fine to keep both, if you prefer.
*
Somerton Street was a narrow residential street in a pre-war estate, fed by identical streets that criss-crossed the road.
Please read this aloud and notice the use of STREETS three times sounds overdone.
I recommend trimming the first one (let it be implied). Also crisscrossed is on word, I think.
Somerton was a narrow residential street in a pre-war estate, fed by identical streets that crisscrossed the road.
Great closing line:
Ess faced front, her mouth a thin line and her knuckles white on the wheel.
She stamped on the accelerator.
With edits and fine tuning, this would lean towards a six, so five stars for you--but a strong recommendation to tweak the nits noted above.
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 26-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 26-Jul-2015
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LOL I knoew this was you before ever I got to the end. No one reviews quite like you. Awesome as ever. I'll revisit it, but I'm afraid this whole book is going to need a major rewrite .
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Thanks for your gracious response, as always, B. I'm doing this professionally these days! :) just a brief visit here this week...then back to all those clients (some were late sending the files, so I decided to offer pro bono here-ha ha ha)
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Then I'm doubly honoured
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:-))
Comment from Adri7enne
Gee, it's good to read you, Snod. Seems like ages. I still love your characters - strong, interesting people with good moral fibre. You continue to create tension, while flavoring it with humour. I still enjoy reading you. I suspect Ess is getting ready to ram the van into Whitmarsh's car. Gutsy witch! Good reading, snod.
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Gee, it's good to read you, Snod. Seems like ages. I still love your characters - strong, interesting people with good moral fibre. You continue to create tension, while flavoring it with humour. I still enjoy reading you. I suspect Ess is getting ready to ram the van into Whitmarsh's car. Gutsy witch! Good reading, snod.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 23-Jul-2015
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Thanks. Glad you liked it. yeah, sorry for the low volume, life keeps getting in the way
