Narcissus hidden heart
If there is no love there is nothing23 total reviews
Comment from ellie6
Wow ! I loved this one, It flows and stops short of sentimentality. One of the nicest stories I have read in a while. Nice artwork as well. No nits that I could see.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Wow ! I loved this one, It flows and stops short of sentimentality. One of the nicest stories I have read in a while. Nice artwork as well. No nits that I could see.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much, I totally appreciate your review and encouragement
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo that complements your story very well. It is not Narcissus story but an other nice one. And the guy who had his heart removed kept it as a deep secret. When he marries his wife found out. He got it put back in, but never found her back.
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Excellent photo that complements your story very well. It is not Narcissus story but an other nice one. And the guy who had his heart removed kept it as a deep secret. When he marries his wife found out. He got it put back in, but never found her back.
Comment Written 03-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Thank you, I am so happy you. Licked my story !
Comment from justafan
-"So( a typo)
I enjoyed this writing prompt you have penned here. I was taken on a little private journey into one man's soul. You have what I could say as an OLD SOUL. Being from the south in the USA. Well done author.
Always justafan,
Missy
You have my vote!
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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-"So( a typo)
I enjoyed this writing prompt you have penned here. I was taken on a little private journey into one man's soul. You have what I could say as an OLD SOUL. Being from the south in the USA. Well done author.
Always justafan,
Missy
You have my vote!
Comment Written 03-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 03-Jul-2015
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Thank you so much ! An old soul sees and perceives life better
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I agree :)
Comment from meggie13
What a love story! The man had his heart removed so he could not love. He found a woman he liked but could not love her, she left him. Finally he had his heart put back in his chest and was able to love. In order for him to live he had to return the love he received for the heart needs love to grow. He started to search for the woman wherever she was. Great imagery in this write. ***** virtual stars
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What a love story! The man had his heart removed so he could not love. He found a woman he liked but could not love her, she left him. Finally he had his heart put back in his chest and was able to love. In order for him to live he had to return the love he received for the heart needs love to grow. He started to search for the woman wherever she was. Great imagery in this write. ***** virtual stars
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
Comment from Ric Myworld
Without love there is nothing. I mean, in reality, all of us spend our whole lives searching for that one special person who can love us as much as we do them. But sadly, some go a lifetime without ever finding that person, and others don't realize that they have found them, until it's too late. Great job. :-)
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Without love there is nothing. I mean, in reality, all of us spend our whole lives searching for that one special person who can love us as much as we do them. But sadly, some go a lifetime without ever finding that person, and others don't realize that they have found them, until it's too late. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
Comment from Judgement Dave
Really enjoyable, fairytale-like story.
Nice summing up of the human condition in: "You will not live long like this. You will die little by little every day. Love can save you, but only if you return the love you receive." The witch finished her prophecy.
Loved "her crystalline voice".
But I'm afraid that there's quite a few typos/issues...
- In the second paragraph (and again near the end when he digs it up again) I don't think 'Amphora' should be capitalised.
- The space and fullstop/period have been reversed ("remembered .She") in the following paragraph:
"No, that was not it. It was something else. She was like a dear, sad, and happy memory at the same time, like a forgotten song suddenly remembered .She made him smile and when the mysterious beauty smiled back at him, he became filled with song and light."
- "As he thought about her every awake moment, it was suddenly clear to him that he would have liked to have her around every day." I think it's fine as is, but in the past he thought he'd like to have her around for his future, so I think it may read better as "As he thought about her every waking moment, it was suddenly clear to him that he would like to have her around every day." I do think this is possibly just a judgement call though...
- "Knowing she was new to the City," How? You've given no indication until now that she is new to the city. It would be better if she said she was new or we'd been told that the merchant knew everyone in the city but she was an unfamiliar face.
- "And what will I do? "She asked.
I think should be (space & caps):
"And what will I do?" she asked.
- A stray full-stop/period instead of a comma, and space in wrong place ("songs .together") in:
"The light that seemed to encircle and follow her, the stories and songs .together with all the little things that made her happy kept his eyes looking for her everywhere he traveled. "
- "I love you! " should be "I love you!" (remove stray space after '!')
- The woman wondered
"You do not love me? "
should be:
The woman wondered, "You do not love me? "
Or
The woman wondered.
"You do not love me? "
- missing apostrophe & stray space in "I cannot love, my hearts not in my chest. "
should be:
"I cannot love, my heart's not in my chest." and I suspect the comma should be a semicolon, colon or full-stop (with the first 'm' then capitalised).
- "But where is it?
missing closing quotes:
"But where is it?"
- -"So that your heart is filled with my love," she responded happy.
should be:
"So that your heart is filled with my love" she responded happily.
or
"So that your heart is filled with my love" she responded. Happy.
[Note - I'll skip detailing them, but there's a few similar errors]
- "A heart needs love to grow" the witch explained .The only place for a heart is in the chest, where the love of the woman you desire can reach it "
should be:
"A heart needs love to grow" the witch explained. The only place for a heart is in the chest, where the love of the woman you desire can reach it."
BTW I presume he never found his Queen... it doesn't actually say one way or another and I think it should. Or maybe just that he's still searching to this day or something...
Hope this all makes sense, and hopefully helps.
JD
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Really enjoyable, fairytale-like story.
Nice summing up of the human condition in: "You will not live long like this. You will die little by little every day. Love can save you, but only if you return the love you receive." The witch finished her prophecy.
Loved "her crystalline voice".
But I'm afraid that there's quite a few typos/issues...
- In the second paragraph (and again near the end when he digs it up again) I don't think 'Amphora' should be capitalised.
- The space and fullstop/period have been reversed ("remembered .She") in the following paragraph:
"No, that was not it. It was something else. She was like a dear, sad, and happy memory at the same time, like a forgotten song suddenly remembered .She made him smile and when the mysterious beauty smiled back at him, he became filled with song and light."
- "As he thought about her every awake moment, it was suddenly clear to him that he would have liked to have her around every day." I think it's fine as is, but in the past he thought he'd like to have her around for his future, so I think it may read better as "As he thought about her every waking moment, it was suddenly clear to him that he would like to have her around every day." I do think this is possibly just a judgement call though...
- "Knowing she was new to the City," How? You've given no indication until now that she is new to the city. It would be better if she said she was new or we'd been told that the merchant knew everyone in the city but she was an unfamiliar face.
- "And what will I do? "She asked.
I think should be (space & caps):
"And what will I do?" she asked.
- A stray full-stop/period instead of a comma, and space in wrong place ("songs .together") in:
"The light that seemed to encircle and follow her, the stories and songs .together with all the little things that made her happy kept his eyes looking for her everywhere he traveled. "
- "I love you! " should be "I love you!" (remove stray space after '!')
- The woman wondered
"You do not love me? "
should be:
The woman wondered, "You do not love me? "
Or
The woman wondered.
"You do not love me? "
- missing apostrophe & stray space in "I cannot love, my hearts not in my chest. "
should be:
"I cannot love, my heart's not in my chest." and I suspect the comma should be a semicolon, colon or full-stop (with the first 'm' then capitalised).
- "But where is it?
missing closing quotes:
"But where is it?"
- -"So that your heart is filled with my love," she responded happy.
should be:
"So that your heart is filled with my love" she responded happily.
or
"So that your heart is filled with my love" she responded. Happy.
[Note - I'll skip detailing them, but there's a few similar errors]
- "A heart needs love to grow" the witch explained .The only place for a heart is in the chest, where the love of the woman you desire can reach it "
should be:
"A heart needs love to grow" the witch explained. The only place for a heart is in the chest, where the love of the woman you desire can reach it."
BTW I presume he never found his Queen... it doesn't actually say one way or another and I think it should. Or maybe just that he's still searching to this day or something...
Hope this all makes sense, and hopefully helps.
JD
Comment Written 02-Jul-2015
Comment from Michaelk
Wow! That story sounds so familiar. Like something out of Aesop's fables.
Well done to be compared to such excellence. Your story was completely compelling and wonderfully told. Even the language gave the feeling of an old fairy tale.
What a wonderful moral in the end. Use your heart or it will die.
I am confused what this had to do with Narcissa. To me, that speaks of vanity.
In either case, a wonderful tale. Well told.
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Wow! That story sounds so familiar. Like something out of Aesop's fables.
Well done to be compared to such excellence. Your story was completely compelling and wonderfully told. Even the language gave the feeling of an old fairy tale.
What a wonderful moral in the end. Use your heart or it will die.
I am confused what this had to do with Narcissa. To me, that speaks of vanity.
In either case, a wonderful tale. Well told.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
Comment from padumachitta
Hi...wow, quite a story for a writing prompt..and it is a decent lenght as well. I like the undercurrent to it...and the darkness that pokes its head out.
good luck
padumachitta
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Hi...wow, quite a story for a writing prompt..and it is a decent lenght as well. I like the undercurrent to it...and the darkness that pokes its head out.
good luck
padumachitta
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Thank you , I appreciate your time and input
Comment from K. Lorraine
This is an enchanting fairy tale. I was enthralled by the story from the beginning to the end. The story was creative and well written. A job very well done. The ending wasn't a 'happy ever after' and yet there was happiness in it. I don't think the story could have ended in any other way.
Best wishes in the contest.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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This is an enchanting fairy tale. I was enthralled by the story from the beginning to the end. The story was creative and well written. A job very well done. The ending wasn't a 'happy ever after' and yet there was happiness in it. I don't think the story could have ended in any other way.
Best wishes in the contest.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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I am so happy you liked my story as much as I did! Thanks so much for the generous rating .
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You are welcome
Comment from dmt1967
This story was very like a fable as in the message was clear. Don't hide away from love. It's better to love and loose that love than to ever love at all. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
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This story was very like a fable as in the message was clear. Don't hide away from love. It's better to love and loose that love than to ever love at all. Good luck in the contest and thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
