haiku (man-made toxic clouds)
Breathe. Can't.68 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
This haiku gives the effects of the pollution we create and don't seem to care enought about tho change. It will block out light of light and kill us all.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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This haiku gives the effects of the pollution we create and don't seem to care enought about tho change. It will block out light of light and kill us all.
Keep writing
dragonpoet
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, dragonpoet, for your kind review. The more I read about smog in Beijing, the more concerned I become for us all. thanks for your review.
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You're very welcome.
dragonpoet
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
I enjoyed this write, but haiku do not generally refer to humans. I think you could rewrite it using nature imagery.
The last line mahes it sound like the crib is choking, rather than the baby. Excellent choice of topic.
Best wishes with your writing, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed this write, but haiku do not generally refer to humans. I think you could rewrite it using nature imagery.
The last line mahes it sound like the crib is choking, rather than the baby. Excellent choice of topic.
Best wishes with your writing, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Debbie, for your review. Both classic haiku and contemporary haiku occasionally refer to humans. This is one of my favorites from Issa:
oh you bawdy breeze . . .
thatcher bending on the roof
I see the bottom!
Thank you for wishing me best wishes with my writing. I just submitted two haiku, including this one, to the 20th Kusamakura International Haiku Competition in Japan.
Comment from Gweneviere
I have not read many Haiku, so I'm not sure I am a qualified reviewer, but this did create a terrifying image in my mind. Those poor innocent infants. We are our own worse enemies.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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I have not read many Haiku, so I'm not sure I am a qualified reviewer, but this did create a terrifying image in my mind. Those poor innocent infants. We are our own worse enemies.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Gweneviere, for your generous review. Google "babies, Beijing, and smog" and you will be terrified by what you see and read. My humble haiku hinted at the horror.
Comment from loveofabook
I love haiku and have been experimenting with it a lot lately. So much can be expressed in a few words and you proved this with your poem, painting a scene that I can easily see and touch and unfortunately breathe.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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I love haiku and have been experimenting with it a lot lately. So much can be expressed in a few words and you proved this with your poem, painting a scene that I can easily see and touch and unfortunately breathe.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, loveofabook, for your generous review. I am glad my haiku touched you. Thanks for stopping by.
Comment from Lynar
Your word picture haiku left a deep mind impression. Even a baby stands little chance to breathe with toxic, man made vapors that's worse today than before. No adverse comments. Exceptional haiku.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Your word picture haiku left a deep mind impression. Even a baby stands little chance to breathe with toxic, man made vapors that's worse today than before. No adverse comments. Exceptional haiku.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Lynar, for your generous, six star review. The more I read about this subject, the more horrified I become. At age ten I wrote the first version of this poem when I live in smoggy Los Angeles. Forty-one years later, I rewrote my poem about smog far worse in Beijing. Thanks for your review.
Comment from thee-name
Excellent Haiku. I enjoyed reading this writing.
manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Excellent Haiku. I enjoyed reading this writing.
manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, thee-name, for your review. I am glad you enjoyed reading my excellent haiku.
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thank you!
Comment from Ekim777
A Haiku depends on the uncanny relationship between lines. Your connections might be too obvious. I like your central line. For the final line; how about; "Chokes kid in a crib." -Ekim777
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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A Haiku depends on the uncanny relationship between lines. Your connections might be too obvious. I like your central line. For the final line; how about; "Chokes kid in a crib." -Ekim777
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Ekim777, for your generous review and suggestion of "Chokes kid in a crib" but the proposition "in" and the article "a" weaken the poem with unnecessary words which can be replaced by strong, visual words. Nevertheless, your comments show that you think deeply about haiku. I appreciate that.
Comment from livelylinda
Sis Cat: great job here! This little haiku slaps our face with the reality of the effects of smog. I saw some show on TV recently that stated that the Chinese officials deny the heavy smog has any ill effects of their citizens rather than finding ways to fix the problem. No citizen dares raise the subject or they will be tagged and bagged as traitors. livelylinda
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Sis Cat: great job here! This little haiku slaps our face with the reality of the effects of smog. I saw some show on TV recently that stated that the Chinese officials deny the heavy smog has any ill effects of their citizens rather than finding ways to fix the problem. No citizen dares raise the subject or they will be tagged and bagged as traitors. livelylinda
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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China denies smog effects its citizens? What about the pictures of 1,000 hospitalized babies wearing gas masks? Those pictures are not Photoshop. I am glad my haiku slapped our face with the reality of smog's effects. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Sis Cat,
This is good. A thoughtful commentary on today.
It works on many levels. What we are doing to the planet, and how we are leaving it for our children as well as on a more literal level.
Nicely done.
G
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi Sis Cat,
This is good. A thoughtful commentary on today.
It works on many levels. What we are doing to the planet, and how we are leaving it for our children as well as on a more literal level.
Nicely done.
G
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, giraffmang, for your generous review. I am glad my poem works on many levels with you.
Comment from robina1978
Excellent photo that complements your poem perfectly. It is an excellent Haiku. Smog in the skies, that is toxic. Now the babies are at risk in Beijing. I must have missed that on the news.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Excellent photo that complements your poem perfectly. It is an excellent Haiku. Smog in the skies, that is toxic. Now the babies are at risk in Beijing. I must have missed that on the news.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Oh, robina1978, the problem is far worse than my haiku hinted. Here is an article about 1,000 babies hospitalized:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261968/Smog-Beijing-Babies-hospitalised-air-quality-hits-worst-record.html
We do not talk much in other countries about the impact of smog on the young, the elderly, and the infirmed, but it is a daily problem in Beijing. Thank you for your review.
