haiku (man-made toxic clouds)
Breathe. Can't.68 total reviews
Comment from zanya
A current 'message' here in this Haiku about Man's unrelenting, damaging actions - and sometimes in the name of 'growth' and economic progress - towards our beloved planet home
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
  |
A current 'message' here in this Haiku about Man's unrelenting, damaging actions - and sometimes in the name of 'growth' and economic progress - towards our beloved planet home
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, zanya, for your generous review of my "message" poem.
Comment from sibhus
Hmm, that's some sobering thoughts. We have created so much pollution that children are dying in their cribs. This simple really helps to emphasis this bleak reality. Great poem that really causes you to think. Again, a wonderful poem.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Hmm, that's some sobering thoughts. We have created so much pollution that children are dying in their cribs. This simple really helps to emphasis this bleak reality. Great poem that really causes you to think. Again, a wonderful poem.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, sibhus, for your generous review. People are dying by the thousands in cities like Beijing because the pollution is so bad. I am glad my poem focused on this problem.
Comment from Debbie Noland
Hawthorne experimented with the idea of manmade toxins vs. nature in "Rappaccini's Garden." Although he spoke symbolically and you literally, you both target man's irresponsibility as the cause of unfortunate consequences. It would seem that the nature of man doesn't change much, and the outcome of his relentless pursuit of knowledge/science is always deadly.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Hawthorne experimented with the idea of manmade toxins vs. nature in "Rappaccini's Garden." Although he spoke symbolically and you literally, you both target man's irresponsibility as the cause of unfortunate consequences. It would seem that the nature of man doesn't change much, and the outcome of his relentless pursuit of knowledge/science is always deadly.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Debbie, for your thoughtful review. I will check out Hawthorne's work. I get nauseous thinking about babies breathing that air. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Gloria ....
Hi, Sis. While I think your idea is wonderful it seems to me to also be somewhat misleading, particularly the final line that reads: smog chokes baby's crib which means to me, smoke chokes a child's bed rather than the baby which may or may not be in the crib.
Also the first line has me wondering why you wouldn't write:
pollution
clouds city's etc. etc.
No articles have been used, so that's good. Two concrete images have been formed, and it is perhaps an "empty" crib symbolizes the death of babies from smog.
Nonetheless, nicely done and current social commentary.
Gloria
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Hi, Sis. While I think your idea is wonderful it seems to me to also be somewhat misleading, particularly the final line that reads: smog chokes baby's crib which means to me, smoke chokes a child's bed rather than the baby which may or may not be in the crib.
Also the first line has me wondering why you wouldn't write:
pollution
clouds city's etc. etc.
No articles have been used, so that's good. Two concrete images have been formed, and it is perhaps an "empty" crib symbolizes the death of babies from smog.
Nonetheless, nicely done and current social commentary.
Gloria
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Gloria, thank you for your review. I worked to eliminate articles and enhance my concrete images. The empty crib was intentional.
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. This is a depressing scene from the author. The smog choking the baby's crib could refer to the future generations paying the price for our short sighted actions.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
This is an interesting poem that the author has created with this piece of writing. This is a depressing scene from the author. The smog choking the baby's crib could refer to the future generations paying the price for our short sighted actions.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Tomes, for your kind review of my dark poem. In Beijing today, babies are choking on the smog and have to wear masks. The future generation is paying a price for our short sightedness now. Thanks for your review.
-
Indeed.
Comment from Dawn Munro
What a sad commentary on humankind, and unfortunately, there's truth in it, I think...air pollution is only one of many problems we have caused. Even a dog won't soil where it sleeps...
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
What a sad commentary on humankind, and unfortunately, there's truth in it, I think...air pollution is only one of many problems we have caused. Even a dog won't soil where it sleeps...
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Dawn, for your kind review. I was horrified to look at pictures of babies wearing gasmasks in Beijing. It it hard for me to get that picture of a smog choked crib out of my mind. Thanks again for reviewing.
-
I am horrified by the thought of it too - appalling! You are very welcome.
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Sis Cat - this is a very good haiku. Lines one and two interconnect well and your third line is a very good and revealing satori of the dangers of pollution - well done. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Hi Sis Cat - this is a very good haiku. Lines one and two interconnect well and your third line is a very good and revealing satori of the dangers of pollution - well done. Good luck in the contest. Warm regards Dorothy x
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Dorothy, for generous review. An earlier version of this haiku was disqualified from the contest for using too much punctuation. Here it is:
"Light, bright moon, old moon,
what are you doing up there?"
"'Cause I hate old smog."
Although my rewrite will not be considered for the contest, I won by coming up with an effective solution in one hour. Reading your review cheers me to know I have succeeded. Thanks.
Comment from scd41
Your haiku is a grim reminder of self-inflicted harm man has invited for the sake of his own development. The toxic clouds, acid rains and choking smog are the result of irresponsible human actions. Environmental degradation is a chilling global issue - no more restricted to one city.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Your haiku is a grim reminder of self-inflicted harm man has invited for the sake of his own development. The toxic clouds, acid rains and choking smog are the result of irresponsible human actions. Environmental degradation is a chilling global issue - no more restricted to one city.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Yes, satellites in space can see our smog travel across entire regions. California even gets smog from China. It chills me to think about that smog-choked crib. Thanks for your review.
Comment from Delahay
I does seem as if China has been unable, or unwilling, to learn from the mistakes other countries made when they each went through their own unregulated rapid growth in industry.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
I does seem as if China has been unable, or unwilling, to learn from the mistakes other countries made when they each went through their own unregulated rapid growth in industry.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Yes, Delahay, satellites in space can see our smog travel across entire regions. California even gets smog from China. It chills me to think about that smog-choked crib. Thanks for your review.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Your haiku certainly makes a powerful statement about the state of pollution in major cities - something the haiku is not noted for!
Original and thought-provoking.
Good luck in the contest.
Steve
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
|
Your haiku certainly makes a powerful statement about the state of pollution in major cities - something the haiku is not noted for!
Original and thought-provoking.
Good luck in the contest.
Steve
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
-
Thank you, Steve, for your kind review of my original and thought-provoking haiku. The original version was disqualified from the contest for violating the form of haiku. I read all of the seventeen remaining entries, but not one discussed smog. Pollution is a real crisis in major cities. I am glad I hit the issue head on. Thank you for your review.
