Reviews from

haiku (man-made toxic clouds)

Breathe. Can't.

68 total reviews 
Comment from visionary1234
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An unusual take on the prompt Sis Cat - love it! (Most of them are on the beautiful aspects of clouds and mists ,so your approach is unique. Bravo!)
:)Sharyn

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
    Yes, Sharyn, this is an unusual take on the contest prompt that requested poems on mist, fog, and smog. I read all the entries after an earlier version of my smog haiku was disqualified. Every single last one of those seventeen haiku spoke of mist and fog. My disqualified haiku was the only one that spoke of smog. I am glad you enjoyed my unique approach.
reply by visionary1234 on 30-Jun-2015
    You're not SERIOUS!
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
    I am.
Comment from danpald
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True in some places now
The smog is strong in the skies
The need to clean these places is right
With the best of developed sites

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Thank you, danpald, for your kind review. We even have spare the air days near San Francisco where I live because the smog gets so bad. Thanks again for your review.
Comment from Joan E.
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We visited Beijing fourteen years ago and were very, very lucky to have clear weather. Thank you for your notes of additional context. I admired your descriptive images and powerful, jarring satori. -Joan

 Comment Written 29-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Thank you, Joan, for your kind review. That must have been some trip fourteen years ago. The air there now is worse. The jarring satori haunts me. Thanks again for your review.
Comment from Ben Zedrine
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I love effectively written haiku. So much can be said in so little. This one nails it with a powerfully poignant ending. Makes you think about the cycle; smog was an issue all those years ago when the first version of this was written, is still an issue now and will most likely still be a serious issue when the baby in this crib is old enough to have his/her own baby in a crib. Again, so much said in so little. Love it!

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Thank you, Ben, for your kind review. I wrote the first version of this haiku at age ten in Los Angeles when that city was held up as the example of the worst smog in the world. I never dreamed that Beijing would best (or, should I say, worst) it in several decades. I am glad I took another crack at this issue which has not gone away.
Comment from jennahall733
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Lovely job creating a nice haiku. The image is strong. I don't know what else to say, but I enjoyed the nice, little read :)

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Thank you for your kind review. Yes, the image is strong. Thanks.
Comment from Glasstruth
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Very powerful. Each line has something unique, and the last line is a real killer. Not meant to be a pun. I give you credit for going back 41 years to rewrite a poem. That's the true spirit of a poet. Superb haiku! Les

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Yes, Les, I am shocked at the quality of the haiku I rewrote 41 years after the original I wrote at age ten. The kid had a kernel of an idea that my 51 year old self updated by asking my younger self for advice. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Mark Schardine
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The atmosphere has changed due to human activities, and we see the results once the moon appears. It does not have the color one would expect, and air pollution affects more than moonwatching.

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
    Yes, Mark, the air pollution affects more than moonwatching. It affects our health. Thanks for your observant review.
Comment from I am Cat
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Oh wow... you know, I have lots of poems I wrote years ago... I should rewrite a few of those... (you're so inspiring!)

I liked this... smog is a terrible killer... it truly is.. (I say that as my husband
stands next to me in a cigar fog... he isn't actually smoking it... he was outside,
but he reeks of it) lol

and yeah... it's really hard for children, old people... and those of us with breaking difficulties...
I once had a doctor tell me I could die some day from second hand smoke even though I had never smoked. My father did... luckily we got out when I was 11...
but I have asthma... and things like smoke, smog, dust, pollen, aerosols... they're just deadly...

yep... you say it well, as usual.

i especially liked the middle line:
'obscure city's gray moonrise '

well done!
Cat

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
    Thank you, I Am Cat, for your generous review. After the contest committee disqualified my forty-one year old haiku yesterday, I rewrote it, retaining two words: "moon" and "smog." I thank my ten year old self for coming up with the initial idea. The winner of the haiku contest has been announced. The new version of my haiku was not in the running, but I won by proving to myself I can write powerful haiku. I encourage you to rewrite old poems if you feel a need. Thanks for your review.
reply by I am Cat on 28-Jun-2015
    hmmm... you're the second person I've heard that's been disqualified from a haiku contest... who knew that 17 syllables would be so difficult? Did they say why?
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
    Yes, I am Cat, here is what they said:

    "Unfortunately, LIGHT, BRIGHT MOON, OLD MOON capitalizes each line, does not use minimal punctuation, and does not have two lines that connect grammatically to show an image:

    "Light, bright moon, old moon,
    what are you doing up there?"
    "'Cause I hate old smog.""

    I agree with the decision of the contest committee. Even though they disqualified my poem, I rewrote it and submitted it to the International Kusamakura Haiku Competition in Japan. I may have the last laugh yet.
Comment from amahra
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Wow, there's smog in China. I thought only Western nations suffered from that. Thank you for posting. The poem was well written, entertaining, and informative. Great job.

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
    Yes, amahra, the smog in China is the worst in the world. Google images of Beijing smog, which is so bad it floats across the Pacific Ocean and arrives in California. Thank you for your review. I am glad you learned something.
Comment from harmony13
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Excellent poem! The first two lines of this poem flow and connect well. The last line says it all. The artwork is perfect and compliments the theme of this poem.

 Comment Written 28-Jun-2015

reply by the author on 28-Jun-2015
    Thank you, harmony13, for your generous review. Writing this haiku took me forty-one years. I am glad my poem impacted you.