haiku (man-made toxic clouds)
Breathe. Can't.68 total reviews
Comment from linsbm
This is so imaginative that reveals truth in reality. An intellectual showcase of a creative talent that this poet possessed.
Getting into mind the thoughts expressed in first two lines coherently gave the conclusion so precise on the third line with perfect delivery.
Excellent write. Thanks for sharing.} Lin
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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This is so imaginative that reveals truth in reality. An intellectual showcase of a creative talent that this poet possessed.
Getting into mind the thoughts expressed in first two lines coherently gave the conclusion so precise on the third line with perfect delivery.
Excellent write. Thanks for sharing.} Lin
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Lin, for your generous review. I first wrote a smog haiku at age ten when I lived in smoggy Los Angeles. I rewrote this poem after it was rejected by the mist, fog, and smog haiku contest on FanStory. I agree with the reasons for the rejection of my earlier version, but I am thrilled how I rewrote my haiku. Thank you again for reviewing.
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You are most welcome, Sis Cat. Have a nice day!
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You are most welcome, Sis Cat. Have a nice day!
Comment from giftsun
You make a very strong statement in very few words. This is a powerful statement
on the state of our world. You did an excellent job in reaching the reader with your message. "Smog chokes baby's crib" says it all.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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You make a very strong statement in very few words. This is a powerful statement
on the state of our world. You did an excellent job in reaching the reader with your message. "Smog chokes baby's crib" says it all.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, giftsun, for your generous review. Every time I read that line "Smog chokes baby's crib" I feel nauseous because it is such a horrible image. I am glad you felt the power in my poem's statement.
Comment from Winslow
Dear Sis Car,
A miasmic fog descends. Oh what have we done? The earth was a pristine place until we tried to modify it. Very sad.
Warm regards,
Winslow
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Dear Sis Car,
A miasmic fog descends. Oh what have we done? The earth was a pristine place until we tried to modify it. Very sad.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Winslow, for your thoughtful review. Yes, it is very sad.
Comment from CD Richards
A very strong statement, and well put. Although I'm no expert on haiku (or anything really), it seems to me to tick all the boxes. The image you've used to accompany it is most appropriate. Well done, and thanks for sharing. Craig.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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A very strong statement, and well put. Although I'm no expert on haiku (or anything really), it seems to me to tick all the boxes. The image you've used to accompany it is most appropriate. Well done, and thanks for sharing. Craig.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Craig, for your encouraging review. This haiku is a rewrite of an earlier one that was disqualified from a contest. I am glad you felt my poem's strong statement.
Comment from Terra Dane
I think I would expand it to address solely babies choking in their cribs--that's powerful imagery. Perhaps don't call it a haiku--there's something else, but since not a regular poet I can't think of it.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I think I would expand it to address solely babies choking in their cribs--that's powerful imagery. Perhaps don't call it a haiku--there's something else, but since not a regular poet I can't think of it.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your kind review and suggestions.
Comment from barkingdog
I remember prior to the Olympics, China had factories closed and driving halted in order to clear the air for the many expected tourists.
It never dawned on me that babies were choking on the smog.
Excellent, visual( toxic clouds; gray moonrise; smog chokes baby's crib) haiku with a startling message.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I remember prior to the Olympics, China had factories closed and driving halted in order to clear the air for the many expected tourists.
It never dawned on me that babies were choking on the smog.
Excellent, visual( toxic clouds; gray moonrise; smog chokes baby's crib) haiku with a startling message.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Yes, barkingdog, babies are choking on the smog. Here is an article about 1,000 babies hospitalized with respiratory ailments:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261968/Smog-Beijing-Babies-hospitalised-air-quality-hits-worst-record.html
My haiku only hinted at the horror. Thank you for your review.
Comment from rjuselius
"manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib"
this is a powerful haiku and a sensitive philosophical and social commentary dear sis cat! the satori is perfect and the imagery outstanding! i nearly never grow sixes for haikus but this is an exception:)
thank you for sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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"manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib"
this is a powerful haiku and a sensitive philosophical and social commentary dear sis cat! the satori is perfect and the imagery outstanding! i nearly never grow sixes for haikus but this is an exception:)
thank you for sharing!
blessings!
rebekka x
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Rebekka, for your generous, six star review. Other reviewers said I should use haiku to focus on pristine nature and not on what man is doing to it. I am thrilled that you feel otherwise. Thank you again for your review.
Comment from GregoryCody
Oh I love this. Although not a true haiku (who cares) it is Beautifully done. You have a huge statement in one small poem. Tough feat! Great notes too.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Oh I love this. Although not a true haiku (who cares) it is Beautifully done. You have a huge statement in one small poem. Tough feat! Great notes too.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Gregory, for your enthusiastic review of a small poem that made a huge statement. Thanks.
Comment from Leineco
sad commentary :-(
unfortunately - oh, too true.
excellent juxtaposition of two images (the grandiose world view and the intimate "personal" view).
Nicely done :-)
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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sad commentary :-(
unfortunately - oh, too true.
excellent juxtaposition of two images (the grandiose world view and the intimate "personal" view).
Nicely done :-)
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Leineco, for your kind review. I juxtaposed "manmade toxic cloud" with "smog chokes baby's crib" to bring this horror in an intimate, personal level. Thanks for your review.
Comment from artemis53
Geez, Sis. Ouch on this one. It ties well together and is so appropriate for our times. I like the emotional pull of the child in the crib. Very innovative!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Geez, Sis. Ouch on this one. It ties well together and is so appropriate for our times. I like the emotional pull of the child in the crib. Very innovative!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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artemis53, I just read an article about 1,000 babies hospitalized in Beijing due to respiratory ailments:
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2261968/Smog-Beijing-Babies-hospitalised-air-quality-hits-worst-record.html
I am horrified at the scope of the tragedy at which my haiku hinted. Thank you for your review.
