haiku (man-made toxic clouds)
Breathe. Can't.68 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Potent haiku and presentation too. Such a sad subject, well-explored. The words manmade and toxic give a great edge to the opening. I think man-made might need a hyphen because my spell check underlines it, but spell checks are often incorrect, so it's up to you.
The flow of line two is superb and the word choices descriptively apt. It gives an almost gentle tone for a lead in to a dramatic closing line.
While all the above is superb, what nudges this to a rare six from me (for a haiku) is the phonetics. Sounds great read aloud. The consonant medley of C, M, B, Y and (especially) S sounds, as well as assonance of I and O, are exceptionally well blended.
And the word economy is masterfully achieved. No syllables wasted.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2015
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Potent haiku and presentation too. Such a sad subject, well-explored. The words manmade and toxic give a great edge to the opening. I think man-made might need a hyphen because my spell check underlines it, but spell checks are often incorrect, so it's up to you.
The flow of line two is superb and the word choices descriptively apt. It gives an almost gentle tone for a lead in to a dramatic closing line.
While all the above is superb, what nudges this to a rare six from me (for a haiku) is the phonetics. Sounds great read aloud. The consonant medley of C, M, B, Y and (especially) S sounds, as well as assonance of I and O, are exceptionally well blended.
And the word economy is masterfully achieved. No syllables wasted.
Bravo!
Warmly, rd
Comment Written 16-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 16-Sep-2015
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Thank you, rama devi, for your generous, six star review and for your correction. I checked and man-made contains a hyphen. I made the correction for this poem on FanStory, although it is too late for this same poem I submitted to the International Haiku Competition in Japan.
One of the things I enjoyed about your review is that you voiced the process I intuited. I was unconscious of the phonetics I employed as I felt my way through this poem. I am glad you acknowledged my craft even before I do. Thanks for your review.
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Thanks for your gracious and thoughtful response. So glad you enjoyed hearing about your handiness in the craft! :) Warmly, rd
Comment from w.j.debi
It is so sad that we are slowly poisoning ourselves and the planet. I don't think we even realize it except when something startles us like the smog killing babies. You have made a timely statement in an artistic manner which gives the reader something to ponder....and perhaps act upon?
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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It is so sad that we are slowly poisoning ourselves and the planet. I don't think we even realize it except when something startles us like the smog killing babies. You have made a timely statement in an artistic manner which gives the reader something to ponder....and perhaps act upon?
Comment Written 09-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2015
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Thank you for your kind review. I thought my imagination was making this up when I wrote this haiku, but then I saw the pictures of thousands of Chinese babies filling Beijing hospitals and wearing ventilations masks because they cannot breathe. Thousands of elderly and infirmed are dying because of smog. The life expectancy is dropping. I am glad I went ahead and posted my poem and submitted it to the International haiku contest in Japan. Thank you for your encouraging review.
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I had a friend whose mother moved to Idaho and because the air was cleaner. In fact, she suddenly could stop taking her medication for breathing. What are we doing to ourselves?
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We are killing ourselves and future generations. We are killing the planet.
Comment from TAB_that's me
You have done very well with this haiku. It has very vivid imagery, two interconnect lines and the overall gives us that aha moment. Well done!
Teresa
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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You have done very well with this haiku. It has very vivid imagery, two interconnect lines and the overall gives us that aha moment. Well done!
Teresa
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Teresa, for your kind review. This haiku is a rewrite of an earlier smog haiku that was disqualified from a contest. I am glad my new version gave you an "Aha" moment. Thanks for your review.
Comment from themundanegirl
This is a very well written piece of work.
Very sad that it is true as well. If only we were nicer to the world we live in...
Thanks for sharing! Keep writing.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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This is a very well written piece of work.
Very sad that it is true as well. If only we were nicer to the world we live in...
Thanks for sharing! Keep writing.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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And thank you, themundanegirl, for reviewing! Yes, my subject is sad but true.
Comment from Ben Colder
A great tribute to man's stupidity. And society says, "What is all the fuss, it is good for you." Cough, cough, give me another cigarette. LOL. Would make a good contest piece.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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A great tribute to man's stupidity. And society says, "What is all the fuss, it is good for you." Cough, cough, give me another cigarette. LOL. Would make a good contest piece.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Ben, for your encouraging review, especially your comment, "Would make a good contest piece." FanStory disqualified from a haiku contest an earlier version of my poem for violating haiku rules. I rewrote my poem and submitted it to the International "Kusamakura" Haiku Competition in Kumamoto, Japan. You should submit, too. Thanks for your review.
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Fan Story committe is a joke. Very bias. I am glad you contacted them. Makes you know you are really not stupid.
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Yes, if my haiku wins anything in the international contest, I will make sure the FanStory committee knows about it. Thanks for the support.
Comment from Benny Beeharry
Polution has come not to go. The more we speak of it the more we see it around. It is the greed and the competition in world economy and could not care less mentality. Yes one day it will reach the babys crib.
Benny Beeharry
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Polution has come not to go. The more we speak of it the more we see it around. It is the greed and the competition in world economy and could not care less mentality. Yes one day it will reach the babys crib.
Benny Beeharry
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Yes, Benny, pollution is reaching baby's crib now. Babes, the elderly, and sick are hospitalized with breathing ailments because of it. Thank you for your encouraging review.
Comment from jmdg1954
manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib
I am not a poet, but to me your haiku certainly transmitted the feeling you were trying to achieve.
Nicely done, John
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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manmade toxic clouds
obscure city's gray moonrise
smog chokes baby's crib
I am not a poet, but to me your haiku certainly transmitted the feeling you were trying to achieve.
Nicely done, John
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you for your review. It always gratified me to hear that my poem transmits a feeling to a person who is a non-poet. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Jacob Collins
I think that your haiku touches on an important issue that we face today. The way things are going with pollution and all the other things going on the world, it doesn't look good for future generations. I thought that you constructed your piece well and I couldn't find anything to critique. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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I think that your haiku touches on an important issue that we face today. The way things are going with pollution and all the other things going on the world, it doesn't look good for future generations. I thought that you constructed your piece well and I couldn't find anything to critique. Thanks for sharing...Jacob
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, Jacob, for your encouraging review. No, it doesn't look good for future generations.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..wow and a good one it is...sure does make one think and it has the emotion of hailu and the image ...no need for a picutre
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi..wow and a good one it is...sure does make one think and it has the emotion of hailu and the image ...no need for a picutre
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Yes, thank you for the review. I wrote the first version forty-one years ago and rewrote it this week after the first version was disqualified in a contest. I am thrilled to hear my haiku works without a picture because my poem is so vivid.
Comment from LIJ Red
Beijing and Mexico City are not places to be young or infirm, and too many other areas are not far behind them. I'm no master of Haiku, but this seems excellent
to me.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Beijing and Mexico City are not places to be young or infirm, and too many other areas are not far behind them. I'm no master of Haiku, but this seems excellent
to me.
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you, LIJ Red, for your generous review. Yes, Beijing is not alone for having bad smog. Thanks for your review.
