The Misjudgement
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 " Decisions Made"Acts of Conflicts
18 total reviews
Comment from MissMerri
You are writing a most interesting story here, and I am already anxious to read on. You do have a gripping way of telling a tale and creating interest and mystery. If you hope to publish this, (and I hope you do) there are a few editing items you may want to check.
*We were lead (led) to an interrogation room
*behaved, as if they didn't believe a word I said.(no comma needed after behaved)
*James did his best to hide a sigh. (since you have just used this phrase a few lines previously, (Sarah did her best to hide a yawn) you might want to think of another way to say this. You could simply say, "James sighed.")
* I suppose, (no comma) I am to blame for being stupid, and will be charged with aid(ing) and abetting. But, we'll see.'
*Sarah looked at James, doing her best (again!) to show the sympathy
*A quick shower and he made his way (you just used "made his way" in the line right before this one.)to the kitchen
These are minor things that, if changed, will make your writing sound more professional, but they don't really distract much from the overall story, which is excellent.
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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You are writing a most interesting story here, and I am already anxious to read on. You do have a gripping way of telling a tale and creating interest and mystery. If you hope to publish this, (and I hope you do) there are a few editing items you may want to check.
*We were lead (led) to an interrogation room
*behaved, as if they didn't believe a word I said.(no comma needed after behaved)
*James did his best to hide a sigh. (since you have just used this phrase a few lines previously, (Sarah did her best to hide a yawn) you might want to think of another way to say this. You could simply say, "James sighed.")
* I suppose, (no comma) I am to blame for being stupid, and will be charged with aid(ing) and abetting. But, we'll see.'
*Sarah looked at James, doing her best (again!) to show the sympathy
*A quick shower and he made his way (you just used "made his way" in the line right before this one.)to the kitchen
These are minor things that, if changed, will make your writing sound more professional, but they don't really distract much from the overall story, which is excellent.
Comment Written 01-Jul-2015
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2015
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Hello MissMerry, What a wonderfull review. You are so right and I have corrected the writing. I also think it reads much better now. Yes I would like to publish and all help is very appreciated. I am glad you like the story and thanks again. Ulla
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..you leave us with an aching head to know more.
Well written and just enough supense to keep me reading and not skipping through(sometimes if it is too suspensfull I have to skip to the end)...hey ho.
paudamchitta
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi..you leave us with an aching head to know more.
Well written and just enough supense to keep me reading and not skipping through(sometimes if it is too suspensfull I have to skip to the end)...hey ho.
paudamchitta
Comment Written 30-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi paudamchitta, I sure hope your headache has gone ynow. I am pleased that you liked it. There is more to come. Ulla
Comment from MelB
A very interesting chapter. This is the first chapter I have read, so will have to go back and catch up to this chapter. Can't wait to find out what happens.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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A very interesting chapter. This is the first chapter I have read, so will have to go back and catch up to this chapter. Can't wait to find out what happens.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much andI am glad you enjoyed it. Ulla
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You're welcome
Comment from Tomes Johnston
This is an interesting post that the author has created with this piece of work. Lending tour boat to complete strangers is not a good idea. Well done.
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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This is an interesting post that the author has created with this piece of work. Lending tour boat to complete strangers is not a good idea. Well done.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi there, I am very pleased that you liked it. Ulla
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My pleasure.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
You leave Sarah wondering where James is - an enjoyable
chapter, Ulla.
James looked at Sarah not feeling comfortable. -HERE - since you've just said "James looked at Sarah"- (first line of chapter) - might I suggest you alter this line - perhaps:
James thought Sara looked uncomfortable.
OR Sarah appeared uncomfortable.
ORJames saw that Sara was not feeling comfortable
And again - James turned to to the drink cabinet AND LOOKED AT SARAH (that's 3 times in the first few lines) perhaps simply - As James turned to the drink cabinet, he asked, 'Care to join me?
'I have no idea[,](.)' as this is followed by action, it needs to be a period rather than a comma.
t was dark inside, so she waited to let her eyes adjust(,) listening out for any noise.
I hope you don't mind me mentioning about repeating certain lines, Ulla - I've done the same myself, but for some reason we don't always notice our own errors.
Margaret
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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You leave Sarah wondering where James is - an enjoyable
chapter, Ulla.
James looked at Sarah not feeling comfortable. -HERE - since you've just said "James looked at Sarah"- (first line of chapter) - might I suggest you alter this line - perhaps:
James thought Sara looked uncomfortable.
OR Sarah appeared uncomfortable.
ORJames saw that Sara was not feeling comfortable
And again - James turned to to the drink cabinet AND LOOKED AT SARAH (that's 3 times in the first few lines) perhaps simply - As James turned to the drink cabinet, he asked, 'Care to join me?
'I have no idea[,](.)' as this is followed by action, it needs to be a period rather than a comma.
t was dark inside, so she waited to let her eyes adjust(,) listening out for any noise.
I hope you don't mind me mentioning about repeating certain lines, Ulla - I've done the same myself, but for some reason we don't always notice our own errors.
Margaret
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 30-Jun-2015
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Hi Margaret, first I want to say that I am so happy with your suggestions and that you even read it through to make them. It is an immense help to me and I appreciate it a lot. I have made corrections and hope it reads better now. Thanks again. Ulla
Comment from thee-name
Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
It was dark inside, so she waited to let her eyes adjust listening out for any noise. In that instant she sensed, more than heard the movement. There was somebody there. Just then something hit her head, and everything went black .........
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Excellent chapter. Seen no mistakes. Writing was interesting.
It was dark inside, so she waited to let her eyes adjust listening out for any noise. In that instant she sensed, more than heard the movement. There was somebody there. Just then something hit her head, and everything went black .........
Comment Written 29-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. I am glad you liked it. Ulla
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thank you!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
I enjoyed reading your story, you did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format and picture that enhanced the story. Good job!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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I enjoyed reading your story, you did a great job developing the characters and the plot; also, I like the attractive format and picture that enhanced the story. Good job!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Thank you so much. I am really pleased that you liked it. Ulla
Comment from amahra
This is a fine 'Who Do It" chapter. Who really hit this woman over the head. And I think this is the way the police would actually act in a situation like this. Very good chapters. Very suspicion driven, Great job.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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This is a fine 'Who Do It" chapter. Who really hit this woman over the head. And I think this is the way the police would actually act in a situation like this. Very good chapters. Very suspicion driven, Great job.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Hi amahra, Thank you very much and I am glad you like the story. I am enjoying writing it. Ulla
Comment from Mastery
Hello, my friend. Your story rolls along very nicely. I like the way you wrote interaction between people in this chapter: "'In that case,' her voice trembling, 'why don't you stop drinking? This is my house and I don't remember asking you to spend the night. But, I'm not inclined to ask you leave either, so I suggest you use the guest bedroom on the first floor.'
James looked at her and realised how much he'd underestimated her. He also understood, he'd hurt her more than he'd imagined. The reason he'd come was to show her he hadn't forgotten, and that he wanted to congratulate her on the launch of her new collection.
Suggestions: "Always start a new paragraph when a different person speaks: "Well, I want another drink,' James turned to the drink cabinet and looked at Sarah.' Care to join me?' Sarah nodded. 'Go on,' handing her glass to James. (New paragraph should begin with "Sarah nodded and handed her glass to him."
Also: She sniffed the aroma. (I think "she "savored" the aroma would sound better, Ulla)
And: "Taking a gulp from his drink, James continued" Sometimes it's best to use a pronoun instead of the proper name too many times. Here for instance I would have said, "He took a swig of his drink and continued."
Good job overall for sure, Ulla. Bob
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Hello, my friend. Your story rolls along very nicely. I like the way you wrote interaction between people in this chapter: "'In that case,' her voice trembling, 'why don't you stop drinking? This is my house and I don't remember asking you to spend the night. But, I'm not inclined to ask you leave either, so I suggest you use the guest bedroom on the first floor.'
James looked at her and realised how much he'd underestimated her. He also understood, he'd hurt her more than he'd imagined. The reason he'd come was to show her he hadn't forgotten, and that he wanted to congratulate her on the launch of her new collection.
Suggestions: "Always start a new paragraph when a different person speaks: "Well, I want another drink,' James turned to the drink cabinet and looked at Sarah.' Care to join me?' Sarah nodded. 'Go on,' handing her glass to James. (New paragraph should begin with "Sarah nodded and handed her glass to him."
Also: She sniffed the aroma. (I think "she "savored" the aroma would sound better, Ulla)
And: "Taking a gulp from his drink, James continued" Sometimes it's best to use a pronoun instead of the proper name too many times. Here for instance I would have said, "He took a swig of his drink and continued."
Good job overall for sure, Ulla. Bob
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Hi Bob, Thanks ever so much for your high rating. I am really pleased. I have read your suggestions and I agree. I have made the changes. Thanks for pointing them out. I am glad you like the story and thanks again. Ulla
Comment from alexisleech
Oh dear! Looks like their worst fears were well founded. I don't blame Sarah for being worried when someone phoned to speak to James. I'd be worried too!
It was a good chapter, although there seem to be a couple of words missing here and there that interups the flow. I've made a couple of suggestions below, but it may just be the way we Scots speak, so they may not be relevant. I look forward to reading on and hearing what has happened to them both.
Alexis xxx
but not (there's not) much we can do about it tonight.'
James (told her as he)turned to the drink cabinet. [to look]
happened at the police (station) this morning?'
'What [is to] happen(s) now then?'
ask you[r] to leave either
Sarah[,] looked at James, surprised by the
'Good night(,) James. (Let's)speak in the morning.'
A(fter a) quick shower, [and] he made his way to the kitchen where
at him as (if) in sympathy with his mood.
so she waited to let her eyes adjust(,) listening out for any noise.
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Oh dear! Looks like their worst fears were well founded. I don't blame Sarah for being worried when someone phoned to speak to James. I'd be worried too!
It was a good chapter, although there seem to be a couple of words missing here and there that interups the flow. I've made a couple of suggestions below, but it may just be the way we Scots speak, so they may not be relevant. I look forward to reading on and hearing what has happened to them both.
Alexis xxx
but not (there's not) much we can do about it tonight.'
James (told her as he)turned to the drink cabinet. [to look]
happened at the police (station) this morning?'
'What [is to] happen(s) now then?'
ask you[r] to leave either
Sarah[,] looked at James, surprised by the
'Good night(,) James. (Let's)speak in the morning.'
A(fter a) quick shower, [and] he made his way to the kitchen where
at him as (if) in sympathy with his mood.
so she waited to let her eyes adjust(,) listening out for any noise.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2015
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2015
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Hi Alexis, Thank you so much for your excellent review. I have made the changes you have suggested. You are so right. It flows better now I think. I should have known better, my husband is Scottish. Have I not told you I lived in Scotland for several years?
Ulla xxx
